standing on the sidelines of my own sex life

[sideliner]

I have name changed for this just in case by DH sees it.

I don't really know what I'm hoping for by posting here, maybe some perspecitve, shared experiences ?

Ive been married 3 years, have a 2 yr old DC.

Not long after DC was born I developed an as yet undiagnosed condition of the vulva which makes sex difficult and infrequent.

I don't know if it's because of this or what but I just have no sex drive whatsoever - not even if I think about George Clooney! There is literally nothing there and I'm only in my early 30's.

My DH OTOH has a massive sex drive and is always telling me how much he loves and adores me but I know he is frustrated. I try to "do my bit" by sorting him out around 3 times a week (usually at his request) but I've started to feel a bit pissed off about doing this because I'm so totally uninvolved and I've begun to find his (perfectly normal) sexual response just far too much for me.

My DH would do absolutely anything for me to enjoy myself and with some effort I can still enjoy penetrative sex on the rare times I can manage it.

But this is at the point where it's eating into our marriage, we're both quietly resentful while trying our best for each other.

My DH wants his passionate young wife back and instead he has this shrivelled up fridgid old cow.

And I feel that his sex drive is weighing very heavily, he knows that everything we do is about giving him relief and he doesn't feel fancied or wanted - what a horrible feeling that must be.

I'm aware that I could be doing A LOT more for him but I need it to come from a place of genuine desire.

I feel that he's missing out on the rampant sex life he thought would continue beyond our wedding (with parenthood adjustement) But where do I even start? I feel like I've forgotten how to even BE or THINK sexy! If I'm honest, I feel quite repelled by it and that is just so :(

Does anyone have any advice?

You need a night alone together, Tell DH that sex is not on the cards (even tho it may actually be if the evening goes right, him thinking its not will take pressure off you to 'peform')

You need candles everywhere, a bottle of something good to drink, a bottle of massage oil, you getting the picture?

In between times when you do get some time alone, read some erotic lit, all you have to do is reawaken your sexual mind. Just follow those directins and you'll be well on your way. GL.

Oh and also get some lube

Are you recieving treatment or having investigations as to what is causing your problem, or have you basically been told to sod off and deal with it? Because if it's the latter, you should definitely go back to your GP and insist on further investigation and seeing a specialist. Some GPs basically think that sexual dysfunction in women is just not very important.

thanks for posting. I have been to see about it so many times and have eventually (after much pleading) been given a referral - that was in April.

Since then I've been seen once and they have said they don't know what it is and just to see how I get on !!!!! I have another appoinment in a few weeks and will take DH to back me up.

But yes, I am getting it loud and clear that sexual problems in young and healthy women are insignificant.

On a more exciting note I would be open to the idea of erotic lit but have NO idea where to start, a quick google revealed lots of badly written crap. I'd love to hear suggestions for some good stuff!

TIA

Jumping in before any of the other Twisluts - come on over to the TSA thread on Adult Fiction and we'll see you right with erotic fiction .

Or try some Emma Holly - Menage is quite saucy .

Dear sideliner... I am in a rush but want to say two things

1. your priority is to get ANSWERS for your physical condition. Insist to be referred to a consultant or a specialist, and don't leave them alone until they do. GPs and MWs can be incredibly dismissive (and ignorant) of these issues and really there is no justification, in this day and age, to suffer from this kind of problems. Most things can be fixed.

2. Hard as it might be (and it might not happen until 1 has been sorted) you need to work on seeing yourself as a sexual being again. That means a myriad of things.. eat well, exercise, buy nice clothes and racy underwear, read erotic fiction (another vote for twilight fanfiction although most MNetters tend to look down on it), let your dh take you out for dinner etc. Also... sex doesn't have to be about penetrative sex, so... get creative. Talk to your dh about it, and start from scratch... You clearly love each other so it might be that you need a bit of joint therapy to overcome this (but a racy movie could be all it takes...)

My experience was that after having dd1 I was left with a badly healed scar whcih made sex excruciating. Add to this a baby who didn't stop screaming for months, and a difficult pregnancy which had meant no sex for a long time... things were looking pretty dire. GP and MWs were all about "have a glass of wine, get some lube", but i finally went to see a consultant (privately, but i couldn't wait any longer), and within a few weeks I had an operation to rectify it. It was scary as hell but it fixed the problem almost instantly.

Dh and I then had to go back to basics... literally, learning to kiss, and touch, and explore each other again, very slowly. Just because you can, doesn't mean you want to. But it was all worth it, in fact it was a lovely time in our relationship. Oh and then I found twifiction, and now everything is hunky-dory. Literally

I wish you the best of luck. THis isn't it, for you. Really.

Sideline, READ FIC. DO IT.

And what Mystic said.

I could happily have lived without ever having sex ever ever again until I found the fic. Now, well, you don't really need to know...

Does any of this sound familiar? Not that you can diagnose yourself online, but I know there are lots of forums to support sufferers of this condition, and I would agree that your first priority should be to push for more help from the medical professionals dealing with you.

I can't find this raunchy thread you are talking about....help!!

(ahem: here's the thread)

i agree that you need to see a specialist. can you afford a private consultation?

Read Anais Nin, Delta of Venus - Very erotic

re sexy fiction

Try www.scarletmagazine.co.uk

Mag is now defunct but if you sign up to newsletter they send you an online mag called Harlot every week. Has erotic fiction plus articles about all aspects of sex

Very good reading

wow! Thank you so much, I have got some homework to be getting on with

DH will be so pleased just to see my trying

Just to ask some more questions, DH and I have spoken before about going private but I have no idea where to start, can anyone recommend somehwere in London?

Seville - I know it's not Lichen as I had a biopsy done (OUCH) so at least that is one thing off the list.

thank you all again, maybe there is hope after all.

and thankfully for me, I could wear a bin bag and my DH would like it! it's just ME who has the problem.

Further reading recommendations: Xcite Books (good anthologies mostly written by and aimed at women) Filament magazine (pictures of men in the scud that don't look gay).
And you are welcome to have a rummage around here as well.

I was going to recommend Anais Nin, but see someone already did! (great!)
:o

But maybe another tip, do everything without penetrative sex, to build up the desire again.

And definately go for a second/third/fourth opinion on the physical problem! Don't let them fob you off till you get to the cause of it!

whereabouts in london are you?

haha, I have been reading, some of you are DIRTY!!

Warthog, I'm in SE London but at this stage, I would travel anywhere.

I've also been thinking that I might try to put an end to the charitable offerings to DH (where I feel quite uncomfotable) and restrict things to sessions where we are both part of the action.

They will be few and far between but hopefully of a higher quality.

you guys have made me feel like a bit less of a freak. thank you.

I think thats a good idea, his sex drive might be so high because he isn't getting true fulfilment out of your "charitable offerings".

Fewer occasions of good and mutually enjoyable sex are far superior to you just sorting him out, that's not satisfying for either of you and is leading to the resentment you speak of.
If he needs more in the way of physical release in between, then I'm sure he can see to himself, you've become his wank sock in effect so I'm not surprised you're feeeling down about it all.

I hope you get a quick diagnosis and treatment - I remember a woman on Embarassing bodies last year with a very similar complaint to yours, it might be worth having a rummage on the website to try and find it.

www.channel4embarrassingillnesses.com/conditions/vulvodynia/

That's the one.

Have you been investigated for this condition?

Nerve.com used to be v good - did a compilation book of stories, don't know if that's still around.

How horrific for you both to be in this situation. I worry that you sound a bit cut off from it all when really this must really affect how you feel about yourself. Losing your libido is a big deal and (IME) also impossible to tell when not having sex starts to become a vicious circle, which tends to make doctors less than helpful I think - hence your experience. The hormonal issues around pregnancy/birth/mothering cannot be helping your situation either.

Am I being hopelessly naive about what sexual therapists do, but can you scrape up the cash for a good, private sexual therapist who might have more knowledge/understanding, possibly point you in the right direction for medical help, and be able to help in the short term in terms of you and your partner remaining erotically in touch, if not fully sexual? Petra Boynton is a well-respected, intelligent sex educator online perhaps can offer some leads?

I think your partner is going to have to step up to the plate here as well in terms of finding answers you are both comfortable with - it is not nice to have a high sex drive and be unable to have sex with the one you love, but you also have to take responsibility for that and the comfort of your loved one. It is possible for human beings to survive without penetrative sex. There is wanking for instance. if you were able to find ways to express yourselves emotionally/erotically as others have suggested then he might be less desperate to penetrate you.

sorry where i said 'you' also have to take responsibility... I should have said 'one' - I meant the person with the high sex drive, not you.

and in the next sentence as well! 'if both of you were able to find ways to express yourselves...' - it's come out sounding really accusatory, really didn't mean it to be

Rereading your post, also want to add 2 things: it's taken 2 years for me to feel I am getting back to myself following birth of DC and most women I know think this is the time it took them to 'return'. For a while there I too thought my libido had died for good, even without any physical problems having sex. so the first point is an optimistic one: the passage of time may be in your favour at the moment as you are hopefully in the last stages of recovering from the changes around birth.

Second point is about being good to yourself: I didn't have such bad physical issues as you post birth but I have experienced bad vulva pain and issues around arousal in past so i have an idea what you mean. When I was experiencing this, I found it very frightening and usually got really emotional and actually scared during sex, it was horrible, an ordeal. Is this anywhere near what you feel? Does your DH understand exactly how you feel when you have sex? He needs to. And possibly you both may need to accept your experience is a traumatic one and not 'expect' you to deal with it easily or quickly.

Sideliner, i have been mulling over this... in the beginning of your op you say "I don't want dh finding out", but actually, all you've said about him points to a loving and committed partner who would do anything to help you overcome this temporary obstacle.

Don't be ashamed or embarrassed about it- opening up about it is the first step to increasing your libido imo.

So, i think... start off by having a good, honest conversation with him. Tell him you want to get your groove back, and that there's things you'd like to do, both on your own and together. Tell him about your plan to change your sexual routine. Talk about non-penetrative sex. Ask him to help you- I bet he would only be too happy to oblige :)

You are not in this alone. You and DH can take this journey together.

Good luck!