standing on the sidelines of my own sex life

[sideliner]

I have name changed for this just in case by DH sees it.

I don't really know what I'm hoping for by posting here, maybe some perspecitve, shared experiences ?

Ive been married 3 years, have a 2 yr old DC.

Not long after DC was born I developed an as yet undiagnosed condition of the vulva which makes sex difficult and infrequent.

I don't know if it's because of this or what but I just have no sex drive whatsoever - not even if I think about George Clooney! There is literally nothing there and I'm only in my early 30's.

My DH OTOH has a massive sex drive and is always telling me how much he loves and adores me but I know he is frustrated. I try to "do my bit" by sorting him out around 3 times a week (usually at his request) but I've started to feel a bit pissed off about doing this because I'm so totally uninvolved and I've begun to find his (perfectly normal) sexual response just far too much for me.

My DH would do absolutely anything for me to enjoy myself and with some effort I can still enjoy penetrative sex on the rare times I can manage it.

But this is at the point where it's eating into our marriage, we're both quietly resentful while trying our best for each other.

My DH wants his passionate young wife back and instead he has this shrivelled up fridgid old cow.

And I feel that his sex drive is weighing very heavily, he knows that everything we do is about giving him relief and he doesn't feel fancied or wanted - what a horrible feeling that must be.

I'm aware that I could be doing A LOT more for him but I need it to come from a place of genuine desire.

I feel that he's missing out on the rampant sex life he thought would continue beyond our wedding (with parenthood adjustement) But where do I even start? I feel like I've forgotten how to even BE or THINK sexy! If I'm honest, I feel quite repelled by it and that is just so :(

Does anyone have any advice?

Really, thank you so much everyone.

Mal I suspect it is Vulvodynia and my DH has found some possible leads to an organisation which might be able to help so I'm going to follow that up. I'll watch the Bodies prog when I'm not at work

Mystic - the only reason i say I don't want DH finding out is to do with my feelings of ick in relation to his sexuality. We do have regular and pretty open discussions about this but I really don't want to put things across in a way which might make him feel any more rejected. I can be more brutal with you lot!

Oma much of what you say is ringing very true, being cut off is exactly how I feel. I've been thinking that some form of sexual therapy might be good as even without the medical issue, there is a lot that we could be doing to constitute a sex life which I'm currently shying away from.

I am a bit scared of reducing the amount of sexual contact that DH gets from me as I know he has been looking at (very vanilla) porn online and that just makes me feel like such a failure. I wouldn't normally be too fussed about him looking at this kind of thing (I'd actually prefer if it was something we could do together) but I know that it's filling a gap for him IYKWIM. I hate the thought of him having to sneak off and do this in private, now it's gone into the ick category (along with almost everything else) I feel like I'm forcing my DH into "dirty old man" territory...

I actually feel a bit ashamed to admit that, when did I turn into such a prude?!

Ach, dealing with issues around arousal and your libido raise such mental monsters don't they? I really sympathise. I think what you're really expressing re the porn is the lack of self esteem and trust in your own body you're feeling, and so how disappointed you are that he is looking at somebody else, not you. If you were feeling confident and sexy you might be mildly amused/interested by the porn watching, but it eats into your soul when you're down - after all, porn is all about presenting bodies in the most attention-grabbing/enticing way, so of course it makes you question yourself and his feelings for you. And of course, when you're feeling resolutely unsexual and negative about your own sexuality, you feel 'ick' about sex in general. It doesn't mean you're a prude. It's like trying to read a gastronomic magazine when you're in the throes of food-poisoning...

Really try and open communications on this. You don't have to go the whole way at first if it's difficult. But talking in an unthreatening setting about everythign that's going on and what you both feel you need is going to be v important. I used to find walks in the (quite) countryside useful, cos then you don't have to look at each other if it gets embarrassing.

re: the Porn, the reason I feel sad about this is because he's looking at home made stuff and he admits that the turn on is watching real women getting really into sex - he'd never be into the fake industry stuff.

If only Pamela Stephenson wasn't busy on Strictly, we both love her!

Eeeww, I wouldn't want my DH watching amateur porn ( or any other porn).

Would a solution be to film a session of yours the next time you feel really up for it?
You would know that he was masturbating to you then and it wouldn't seem like a betrayal - you are compromising for him, it's perfectly fair and reasonable that he compromises for you too .

Well you can write to Pamela - worth finding out if she/her practice do personal replies to all?

Mal hahahaha, I will broach this subject tonight and see what he says. Not sure I could get through that without anything other than laughter and major ick

And yes, if I could control his mind, I wouldn't want him to watch it either. But then, I'd also make him dejunk and decorate our house.

I can't win em all.

But you can explain to him how it makes you feel, if he knows just how much it upsets you then surely he will stop using it? - he must realise that this situation is awful for you and surely he would want to help you through it, what if it is a long term medical condition that will be a permanent feature of your lives?

Mal I don't know if I'm being a bit naive but I don't really think i have a right to try to control his sexuality like that.

it's his mind, it's not hurting anyone and he leaves no dodgy internet history to let me know he's been doing it. I just know that it is lurking in the background.

Say I get into erotic lit and he asks me to stop reading it because it made him uncomfortable I wouldn't be too happy about it. He would never do that though!

I have a feeling that if I can get my groove back the porn issue will go away for both of us.

If he can see how distressing it is for you that he is using porn, then surely he will stop, especially if he understands that it is hindering your sexuality and not helping your sexual feelings towards him?
You have every right to reach a compromise with regards to your sex life - masturbation is a part of a couple's sex life.
Can he not masturbate without the aid of porn? He doesn't need porn to be able to satisfy his sexual needs, what about buying him a masturbatory toy, one that you have chosen?

Op I don't think you are being naive either. Mal vanilla porn wouldn't worry me that much either. OP 's dh sounds very supportive to me

Whether you are ok with porn or not isn't the real issue here, she has said that it makes her sad to know that he is getting off on watching real women enjoying sex - that is becoming a barrier to any intimacy between them, conciously or unconciously.
If I was in that situation I would feel like my DH was putting his sexual pleasures above my suffering, she hasn't voluntarily withdrawn sex, it is neither her choice nor her fault that she has this nasty condition that makes sex unpleasant and probably hugely painful.
Any decent man would rather go without than put his partner through that.
It doesn't sound like you have told him how you really feel, keeping it from him will just make your resentment grow unchecked.

Mal you are right on one aspect of this: I haven't made totally clear how the porn makes me feel. I don't really know why I haven't told him this straight up: don't want to look controlling / don't have anything else to offer / don't want to push him away / want to respect his right to do what he wants with his body (I would def draw the line if his tastes were to become more extreme).

I suspect that if I told him he would take my feelings on board, feel guilty about it but continue using it secretively which I would find more upsetting.

However, if I asked him to do start doing something for me I know he would be absolutely up for it 100%

A few months ago I had actually started to look at some (very very) vanilla stuff myself. I told him about it straight away and he was interested. Up until then I would have SWORN that he was the kind of DH who would never look at it - he is so anti the porn industry and the exploitation of the women.

He then confessed taht he had been looking at some home made stuff himself and had used it on and off since his teens.

I don't want to make you think the the porn thing into a massive issue in our relationship but I'm dwelling on it because this revelation made me thing he was hypocritical.

It also completely turned me off my own little adventure and I just thought, great, if DH is at it then there really is no man on the planet who doesn't use porn. Maybe it damaged my idea of the "specialness" of our relationship.

Sorry that turned out to be so long, just writing this down feels like therapy!

You need to stop putting his needs and "rights" before your own.
Why do you think that explaining to him how you feel will push him into being secretive?

I do think that there is a big difference between being an occasional curious observer to porn and a regular (secret) user of it, the latter I feel is hugely detrimental to a healthy sex life I'm not surprised you are upset at his hypocrisy - to find out that a man who is vociferous in his condemnation of porn is actually using it must have come as a big and unpleasant shock to you.
Why does he think that amateur porn is "better" than normal porm btw? I wouldn't feel comfortable watching it because there is no way you can be sure that the participants have the faintest idea that there sex life is on the internet as wank fodder. The filmed sex may well be fully consensual, the availability of it on the net may not be.

Sideliner, I don't really know how I feel about porn... have never watched it. However, I do think in this instance it's soemthing you and your dh should discuss. Maybe you can watch it together? you might surprise yourself.

Honestly, I think once you start reading some erotica you might surprise yourself with how easily you can get turned on. Then one thing might lead to another.... Increased libido (which is essential in order to have sex) is something tyou can, to a certain extent, work on on your own.

But I am 100% convinced that sex is above all about shared intimacy so it is essential you and your dh find some sexual activity (watching movies, reading stuff, experimenting with non-penetrative sex etc) that you can share.

TBH your dh sounds quite lovely to me, and he is probably quite depressed that he can't help you. I know that my dh has gone through a phase of thinking I didn't fancy him, but my issues were really quite independent of him. It can become a vicious circle which is hard to break out of.

All said and done i think you would benefit from some sort of counselling, joint or otherwise. But it sound like you're already starting to think about this

Try not to be too negative about his use of porn. He is looking at it for a quick relief wank because he knows that sex is problematic for you and he doesn't want to put you under pressure_ that's not the action of a vile sex-crazed beast. 'Amateur' porn is often the stuff that's done by people who are genuinely exhibitionistic BTW, swinges and suchlike.
However, why not suggest to him that you read some erotic fiction together? Maybe get hold of something like Foreplay mag, which is more words than pictures and has lots of 'genuine' readers' letters about having sex etc.

I had something similar and was diagnosed with vulvadynia until a small fistula made itself obvious and the cause of the pain/inflammation and I had surgery for it.

As I was TTC, my GP gave me some sort of numbing cream to apply pre-sex so it just took the vulva out of the equation. I could still enjoy the more penetrative sensations and got to enjoy sex again. In the build up we did a lot of massages and shared baths and things.

I truly love the range of opinions and experiences here, thank you all for sharing.

My opinion on the porn swings (geddit!) between how Mal and Brass think depending on my mood. I don't think he's looking at anything too dodgy, from what I can gather, it is some extremely brave exhibitionist ladies having their own fun. I think he would show me if I wanted to see it but he has asked me not to go looking for what he's been viewing as he says there is a lot of really nasty stuff out there which would shock me. I might suggest having another look together at the stuff I had found interesting.

mystic you have def hit the nail on the head, it's the intimacy that i've shut myself out of. but my DH is indeed a very lovely, caring and gentle man.

I know I will be able to talk about it with him and running this over on here has really helped me get my mind sorted out.

runner do you mind if I ask your symptoms and how you were diagnosed, is there treatement?

all the best

sideliner, i can CAT the name of someone to you. or you can find out the name of a local private clinic and ask for an appointment with a gynaecologist, but you won't be going on recommendation. or you could ask your gp for a recommendation for a private gynaecologist.