Feel like dh has lost respect for me

[kt444555]

DH and I have had relationship problems for a while (not had sex for a couple of years, mismatch in expectations about affection - he never hugs me without me instigating etc).

Until now I felt that as long as the above wasn't being discussed at that time we did get on okay as friends. Not enough but I don't know what else to do.

But today I realised that I think he has lost respect for me as a person in that he will talk to me quite often as if he doesn't believe what I'm saying e.g. I'm making something up because I have a hidden agenda. Not in a paranoid way - never about really big stuff - but e.g. we were talking about what time ds should go to bed which is a big source of arguments between us. He reckoned I was just saying ds should go to bed earlier as I was being selfish and wanted more of an evening when actually I said it was because I don't want him to get over tired. Dh didn't seem to believe me.

It makes me so sad as this sort of thing has happened quite a few times recently. I want my dh to believe me when I say something - it's like he's lost respect.

Bumping this. My OP was a bit incoherent but I feel really sad about this and would really appreciate some advice.

I think you should be the one to instigate the split. That would claw back a little bit of respect. But it sounds like there's no respect, no affection, no amiable companionship............

Life is short.

I have to say, it doesn't sound good. Relationships like this do dreadful things to your self esteem. I agree with valiumskeleton, take control and get out. At least then you'll have self respect...and his respect will be unimportant.

I don't think I've explained myself very well - maybe writing it down on here will help. We do have amiable companionship 95% of the time or whatever. But when there's an argument it becomes clear he thinks I'm selfish e.g. this thing about ds and the bedtimes is quite typical.

God it's all sht really. I feel tonight like he actually doesn't love me. Until now it was more that he is not an affectionate person and didn't fancy me anymore (which is crp in itself) but I did think he at least loved me.

Crossed posts there sorry.

I feel really down about it tonight. I had thought that for the last couple of weeks, despite the two big issues, at least we were getting on well as friends.

What do you mean by 'amiable companionship'? Do you just mean you don't argue?

Do you laugh? Joke around? Smile? Look forward to seeing each other?

No sex for a 'couple of years' is not normal. Neither is lack of affection.

What are you getting out of this relationship?

Yes we have a laugh and interesting conversations. We have a nice time with ds too.

I know we have some serious issues though and it's not normal. But on a day to day basis you can sort of forget about it for a while.

Dh has never been affectionate - nothing changed there - but at least before he did respect my opinion on things and believed me generally.

I feel so crap. I know I have valid opinions and that I was telling the truth though so it won't get to my self esteem. The lack of sex thing is another matter and does.

I am so angry I can't talk about it with him tonight or it'll turn into another argument.

Have you had relationship counselling already?

No and we definitely need it don't we....do you guys think this is salvagable?

No idea but at least it would help you work out the answer to that question.......

I want to ask him if he loves me but don't have the energy tonight to deal with the inevitable argument.

That's a difficult question to ask...or at least, the answer might be difficult to hear.

I was once given an interesting piece of advice....when you're asking for people's opinions, you always know what you want them to say. So...you have to look deep inside for the answers, not to a bunch of random strangers on the internet. Do you want us to say 'leave him, you deserve better'? or 'It sounds savable, work on it'?

If you decide you don't want to end your relationship, then your next step is to find out what he wants.

Perhaps a question to ask whilst in counselling so it doesn't descend into an argument?

Dansmommy that is really good advice....

I hope you sort it out, either way.

If he is so insistent that your son can cope with a later bedtime, let him try it for a few days.

I'm not suggesting that you use your child as a guinea pig as such, but he must have some sort of basis for his view that your son could go to bed later.

How long have you been together? How old is your son? How old are you both?

Could it just be a case of "Better the devil you know?" that makes you not want to admit defeat on this relationship?

How old IS your DS and what times are you respectively saying should be his bed time.

We have tried it and I know he gets tired. It's seemingly such a minor issue but does cause tension.

Ds is 5 and goes to bed much later than all his friends and has less sleep in total. It is me who is with ds after school who sees that he gets stroppier if he's tired and in my view it's totally preventable if he goes to bed at a decent time. But that's another thread...!

Been together 13 years. He is 45 and I am 38.
He has pretty much said he doesn't fancy me anymore.

Dh thinks it's ok for ds to only turn the light out at 9pm (in bed for about half eight if dh doing bedtime and I'm not in).

He gets up quite late on a school day compared to some though - 7.30 or 7.45.

If you leave him to sleep normally, how long does your DS like to sleep?

If there are repercussions, ie melt downs, then it clearly sounds like 9 is too late for lights out.

My DS is lateish to bed, late riser, he goes up at about 7.30 usually, 7 if I can get away with it, stories and milk together and lights out at 8, and he'll usually drop off in 30 mins. I know that is even too late for him, and am slowly bringing it forward.

OK, so your self esteem needs a boot up the arse. If you are the one dealing with the fallout, then YOU are the one that has the last say. You have to set the routine if you can see it's negatively affecting your DS and all the more if you are the one who takes the brunt of it.

Ideally kids this age need as close to 12 hours as poss, give or take an hour either side.

School is so tiring, my DS is nearly 5 and in Reception, he ends up howling tired at the end of the week, hence the need for me to bring it forward.

I HATE dads that have FA to do with the end result, but have the cheek to lay down the law.

Parenting is a responsibility, first to the child, then to the parents, with the emphasis on the parent that has the bulk of the child care.

Can you not reach a compromise with him, because of the schooling, the melt downs H doesn't see, and because 9 IS too late in the week. Could you not say 7.30 lights out for 8 on a school night and later Friday and Saturday.

If you can't reach a compromise, then tbh, on your watch you need to set the norm. DS will get used to it, and once in a while, providing you make an adjustment the rest of the week, you ought to get away with it.

I found treating sleep like a bank balance, ie, a late night is a withdrawal, and needs to be made up, ideally in instalments. I'd make sure that if he had a late night, then I'd have to be a bit more regimented and not do too much with him for the next few days to allow him to catch up.

So get the DS sleep thing sorted, cos it needs doing, and then we can work on the rest of your issues!

If H is on the wane, then all the more reason for you to stand up for yourself. One, you have nothing to lose, and 2 if you do split, you'll be doing this on your own, so need to set YOUR routine.

You have more power than you think. Use it!

Sorry, that was long...

I did compromise - he stays up later sometimes at the weekends and also I let dh move it from 8ish to 8.30 in bed.

He is really obstinate and doesn't buy the idea that if it's me getting the fallout on my watch when he's at work then it should be my decision - doesn't seem to want to be 'over-ruled' by me or to give in.

NO!

This is detrimental to DS....

AND

F*cks up YOUR afternoon...

That's 2 strikes... DH opinion is OUT on this.

That is too late for a 5yo.

Use CBeebies as a cut off, when they've done the singing, upstairs for a story, milk and bed.

No-one teaches us to lead a family, to be the matriarch, and this is what you have to become now.

you heard the expression Mother knows best? This is why...

Be firm, with the pair of them.

it's 7 for 7.30 on a school night.

No further discussion.

He's obstinate (and WRONG) so that's OK is it? LIKE HELL IT IS! You can be stubborn too and protect the best interests for your DS.

Take a stand, you start rolling over on this and it'll not get any easier.

Google the effects of insufficient sleep for young children, you'll find those that don't sleep enough suffer at school, and don't take in as much as they could with a proper night's sleep.

No,i would not compromise on my DS health/well being for the sake of an ignorant obstinate man who doesn't even take the time to see the results of his fatally flawed stupidity decisions.

There are battles to pick, and this is one of them.

Meant to say, I know what I am saying here is potentially a big ask.

My 'P' has been a bully, has hit me and humiliated me in every manner possible.

Would I now if in your situation but with my P - a previously violent man - stand my ground and TELL him this is how it's going to be on a school night?

Yes. I would.

What strikes me about your original post kt is that you mention the lack of sex and affection in your relationship.

And you connect this to a difference in opinion re the bedtime of your ds.

It's that connection that stands out to me - ie, if you were at it like rabbits and mutually sexually satisfied, you wouldn't be disagreeing about bedtimes.

I don't know if you would or wouldn't be but it sounds like you fear the foundations of your relationship are threatened

Heck yes I do fear that - you're spot on.
The bedtime thing was but one small example.

Lil, I have mentioned the research on insufficient sleep ad infinitum. I even have some credibility in this area thanks to my work but no, he knows better than me.
To be fair he believes that ds needs less sleep than average and is mostly well-rested which is almost true but sometimes he gets tired. So it's not as extreme as it might have sounded.

But why can't he just let me be right for once?!

He is always bloody right. I'm sick of so many things being a battle. I'm sick of not feeling loved. I'm sick of trying to bury my head in the sand and not think about the fact my husband doesn't want to sleep with me and doesn't find me physically attractive.

But then there's ds. And even though I've read a thousand times on here that putting up with unhappy marriages for the sake of the children is a bad idea as it sets a bad example, I can't quite believe separating would be better.
If he hit me or was a drunk I'd be out of here in a shot but he's a devoted dad even if he's not a devoted husband. I have a gorgeous well-balanced ds and am scared it'd mess him up and make him sad.