Feel like dh has lost respect for me

[kt444555]

DH and I have had relationship problems for a while (not had sex for a couple of years, mismatch in expectations about affection - he never hugs me without me instigating etc).

Until now I felt that as long as the above wasn't being discussed at that time we did get on okay as friends. Not enough but I don't know what else to do.

But today I realised that I think he has lost respect for me as a person in that he will talk to me quite often as if he doesn't believe what I'm saying e.g. I'm making something up because I have a hidden agenda. Not in a paranoid way - never about really big stuff - but e.g. we were talking about what time ds should go to bed which is a big source of arguments between us. He reckoned I was just saying ds should go to bed earlier as I was being selfish and wanted more of an evening when actually I said it was because I don't want him to get over tired. Dh didn't seem to believe me.

It makes me so sad as this sort of thing has happened quite a few times recently. I want my dh to believe me when I say something - it's like he's lost respect.

But how devoted a dad is he if he insists on putting his needs (to be right) over DS's needs (to not be bloody tired)?

He truly doesn't believe ds is tired.

LUAI is completely right about the deterimental affect lack of sleep has on young children. My 2 ds's were in bed at 6.30 @ 5. ds2 is now 10 and still in bed at 8, he needs his sleep. ds1 is 16 and has to go to bed at 11pm lol. Google the sleep thing, show it to dh :)

On the sex front, do you not miss physical affection? I was in a relationship like that once. It was soul destroying. Counselling is the way to go I reckon. Good luck.

I have shown him and told him about the detrimental effect of too little sleep and he buys into that. He does not buy into the idea ds gets tired sometimes though and thinks the amount he has is enough.

God yes I miss sex. I miss affection and I miss someone giving me (reasonable) unconditional love.

Has he said how he feels about the lack of affection? We are all human after all. Could be a good starting point to suggest counselling.

He thinks there is a mismatch between our levels of emotional need. We have discussed counselling but not started yet - need to get on with it!

I think counselling could be an idea, if nothing else to broker a settlement on this sleep power trip he has going.

I know my DS, when he is leaping around being the life and soul of the party and if you ask him, are you OK are you tired and he says no... He is on turbo, and is absolutely worn out...

You are his mum, you know the signs to look for, H is trying to suggest he does too, but this is the sense you get when you are the primary carer, the subtle nuances, the slight indicators that DS is on his last legs.

When I read your OP I thought of this

You may find it useful/interesting.

BLOODY HELL Hobb...

That's saved ME a thread.... and actually saved me bothering with the expense/time involved in counselling!

Cheers for that!

I'm not sure whether to be happy for you or not! Happy the link may have been useful though.

I first read about Gottman in the book 'Blink' and was intrigued by this issue of contempt being a turning point...plus the fact that a seemingly 'happy' couple can be seething with contempt almost undetectably.

LOL, neither am I tbh, but it does put a heck of a lot into perspective...

I will go and read that now.

Dh would say and has said that he has got like this because I am frequently 'aggressive' about things (verbally not physically he agrees - have never been physically so).

He wants me to be more even in my moods. I don't think I fly off the handle all the time but sometimes am a bit short about things, partly the way I am, and partly because I am worn down by not feeling loved. We are in a vicious cycle.