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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I could use some help/advice wisdom anything.....please

33 replies

Tambasher · 17/10/2010 16:50

My husband left me for another woman 4 weeks ago, he met her on the Saturday and moved in with her on the Tuesday. We have been married 15 years and have 2 children.

The first week he denied he was with OW. The 2nd week she phoned me.........he then started texting/calling saying he makes stupid mistakes sometimes etc. He then turns up next day and I ask him what he was saying (the phone kept breaking up) and he said nothing and took off again.

He has made no effort to see his children, he has gave us no money since leaving, I have applied to CSA, he has since been off work with depression but tells me, he has finally found the love of life, someone to hug him, care for his every need and moving in with someone so quickly only happens once in and lifetime and he loves her and wants no contact with the kids.

How do I move on. I have (hopefully) finally managed to get him to stop calling me and texting to say "you mean the world to me, never wanted to hurt you,I will always be here for you"??? and "where is your car, why is not outside overnight" and "why is your bedroom light on at 4.45am"?

My head is just a mess and I don't know what to tell the children anymore.

OP posts:
LoveBeingAMardyBum · 17/10/2010 16:53

Couldnt read and run, im so sorry you are going through this. It doesnt ring true to me that someone can meet another woman and in three days he has mleft his wife and moved in with her. How did he meet her? Are you sure it was that quick? Has he been going through a rough time recently?

Pumpkinbummum · 17/10/2010 16:54

unfortunately I have no words of wisdom but others will have, but he sounds like a plank and you are well rid

phipps · 17/10/2010 16:55

OMG, that must have been the biggest shock of your life. I would be tempted to tell the children he doesn't want to live with mummy anymore so he has moved somewhere else. How he can just abandon his kids is just incomprehensible Angry.

See a solicitor asap and get your finances sorted.

Original poster
Tambasher · 17/10/2010 16:55

We have been going through a rough time, I have been very depressed.

I couldn't believe the only knowing her this amount of time but it's true and thinks it was meant to be, hence him moving in so quickly.

She makes him feel "wanted" and "loved".

I didn't

OP posts:
LoveBeingAMardyBum · 17/10/2010 16:57

In other words, shes not got kids to look after Wink

anothermum92 · 17/10/2010 17:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Tambasher · 17/10/2010 17:09

No my first thought would have been "utter bullshit" but his best friend who introduced them who has now fallen out with him over it assures me they met on the Saturday, she texted him for a few days and by the Tuesday had asked him to move him.

He thinks this is why it feels "so right"!

I could understand it if he had been seeing her longer to be honest. She is younger, she has 2 children. She loves nothing better to text away with details of their sex life etc etc.

I was actually so pi$$ed off with him before he left I was basically ignorning him.

I didn't expect this though, I was in the middle of making a Chicken Korma........

Then when she is not there, he texts saying "It's X pls speak to me" so we speak and he's nice and asks "why I sound so happy"? and have I met anyone else etc but nope, he is in love after meeting someone and moving in after 4 weeks.

Bit like Jeremy Kyle really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tambasher · 17/10/2010 17:11

No I have no support.

My family live nearby but they are not the "supporting" type.

OP posts:
msboogieHallowqueen · 17/10/2010 17:21

Jesus they sound like a pair of lunatics, well met.

Get own the GP an get something sorted for your depression. And stop indulging his silly texts. Tell him you have met another man an are moving to Timbuctoo.

Original poster
Tambasher · 17/10/2010 18:48

Yup I have done all that. I am ignoring him now, even his silly little "it's me can we talk" ones.

I guess I'm just shocked someone could just walk out without a backwards glance to their children.

I knew he was a barsteward but not this big a one.

OP posts:
ImSpartacus · 17/10/2010 18:53

How old are youe children?

What a complete fuckwad he sounds.

Original poster
Tambasher · 17/10/2010 18:59

One is 10 and one is 6.

He came on Wednesday to collect the rest of his rubbish (which collided with them returning from school) and told them he would see them soon, then texted to say how nice it was to see us??

So now they are asking when will they see their Dad.

He said I have poisoned their minds against him but I have not, I have told them he is unwell just now and living with a man named, John. I don't know what to tell them.

OP posts:
Frrrrightattendant · 17/10/2010 19:00

Tb completely honest, it sounds as though he is flipping out a bit.

The only person I've known who met someone then immediately wanted to move in with her was a nice, slightly bumbling but very kind hearted bloke, who had some big issues going back a long way - he was devoted to his missus but still kept on about moving in with this girl he just met.

About a year later he started going round his street kicking people's doors and claiming to be Jesus. He was sectioned obv.

Poor guy...but your husband sounds as though he is having a similar sort of crisis - he's not being rational is he.

Has he been to the doctor?

Original poster
Tambasher · 17/10/2010 19:20

Yes, he is signed off with nervous disposition and no he isn't being rational, I think I shall ignore him for a few weeks/months and try get myself and life of some sort.

OP posts:
ItsGhoulAgain · 18/10/2010 06:25

I know you must be all over the place, Tambasher, after such a devastating shock. But can I just tell you I love your attitude? I imagine there are a few more tribulations on the way - if you stay as pragmatic as you are, you'll have them sorted pronto and there's a damn good chance your depression will be over for good. You're doing great. Wishing you continued strength & common sense :)

Original poster
Tambasher · 18/10/2010 11:55

Yes, I guess I come across like I don't care. :)

The thing is I do, I don't want to, I want to move on, I want sleep at night, I want to start being able to eat as 4 weeks on I am looking rather skeletal (sp), I want to stop this pityful crying, I want him to stop being the 1st thing I think of in the morning and last thing at night. I think if I didn't have heart that would help as my head could take over start RATIONAL thinking.

Ie. not googling "how to win your bastard of an ex back" and reading the same things.

I just want to pain to go away and then me and the boys will be fine.

OP posts:
PirateScaredyCat · 18/10/2010 11:59

bloody hell, you poor woman.

he's lost the plot. i am so sorry. jeez

Original poster
Tambasher · 18/10/2010 12:03

Thanks you. :)

Yes he has definitely lost the plot.

I keep trying to see the negative of whenhe was here but sometimes it's just bloody difficult enough though he is an arse at least it was an arse to talk to IYKWIM.

OP posts:
MummyQueenofPutridFleshandGore · 18/10/2010 13:33

You are a stronger person than you think and can get through this.You know you can manage perfectly well.You know my number if you need a shoulder.

Original poster
Tambasher · 18/10/2010 15:39

Wow are you my mum Wink ?

Yes, its true I can get over this. I have no idea what to say to the boys to be honest.

He told them last week he would see them soon, then told me yesterday or possibly day before he wants nothing to do with them and they will know who to blame when he is older.

I have heard she is a drug user and a dirty little slapper, so no way they can go there but he could take them for a ....... salad pitta bread or something.

(I was going to say take them for a McDonalds but remembered I am on MN.

I have seen my GP, after telling her about texts etc she thinks he is abusing me even now outwith the marriage, sending me details of their love, sex, ......that's about it cos they have nothing else.

I feel quite sane atm. It's nice.

i think i may go and complie a good points, bad points list, that may help.

OP posts:
SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass · 18/10/2010 15:43

Get a solicitor involved and have this man officially informed he is not to contact you except for essential messages re the children. Tell the DC that Dad is not very well at the moment, that none of it is their fault and hopefully he will be well enough to see them soon. But cut contact with him as much as possible - he's either suffering from some sort of breakdown or he is a spiteful individual who is desperate to hurt your feelings. Either way, you don't have to put up with it: blanking him is the best way forward for you and your DC at the moment.

MummyQueenofPutridFleshandGore · 18/10/2010 16:41

Yes its me M Grin

Original poster
Tambasher · 08/12/2010 12:47

Husband is still having his crisis, he is in a B&B most of the time as him and his skank seem to argue lots.

poor man. (not)

He has paid zero since leaving, I am looking for presents which look more than they cost for the children.

Christmas will be a bit horrid, H thought he could pop in, see his children open their presents and then go back to his skank. Hmm

We will not be doing this, I offered him 5pm - 7/8pm but he is busy then watching Christmas TV with his skank and her children.

nice man. NOT

OP posts:
pottonista · 08/12/2010 12:59

He sounds like he's having a terrible mid-life crisis. How horrible for you!

Original poster
Tambasher · 08/12/2010 13:17

Yes, its not great. He has lost his job so just as I have set up CSA payments he loses his job.

His head is a mess, I have to distance myself from him as his skank is a nutter and detests me having any contact with him. Hmm

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