Friendships reaching their sellby date. Do they?

[dejags]

A very good friend of mine (known her for 16 years) is a bit of a slob when it comes to ?friendship maintenance?. I have long since accepted that for the most part I am required to visit her (we live 45 minutes drive apart) and that I will for the most part make the telephone calls etc. I cheerfully accepted this because she is a good friend and I got something out of the friendship. Lately this has changed. I tried to call her repeatedly to wish her a happy birthday, she ignored all my calls (which would have shown as she has caller id on her mobile), she also ignored all three messages I left (one of which with her Gran just in case she had lost her phone). Anyway a week later she sends me a text to say sorry, things are rough and that she hopes I am not disappointed in her as a friend. To which I replied of course not, I understand that things can get on top of a person.

Anyway once again she did it again, at which point I sent her a text to ask if I had offended her, she responded immediately and was really sorry and we parted on good note. To add insult to injury she had a bday part for her DD1 and didn?t invite my DS, this in itself wouldn?t be a big deal but she lied about it ? denied that she was having a party when I know full well she did.

I finally lost it this morning when she didn?t reply to my text asking how the party was and sent her an email saying that I thought I was wasting my time and that she would end up lonely if she sidelined her ?proper friends? the way she has me. To this she responded immediately acting as if she was the injured party. I told her I couldn?t talk to her as I was at work and she is going to phone me later.

Please tell me I am not the one in the wrong here? I think that this a friendship past its sellby date.

What do you think?

It certainly sounds like it. But listen to what she has to say when she phones, you can make up your mind for definate then. I recently lost a friend in a similar way.

oh god leave her to stew imo

wait till she make the initative
s ound s like oyu are doing all the running

Should I bring up the party. I don't want to sound as if it's about the lack of an invite - I can accept that it might have been a small do, what cheeses me off is that she lied to me about it.

oh god htink that was a hint
bin her

good point cod.

I am doing the running, trainers are looking rather threadworn in this instance.

yes think you are flogging dead horse here dj

i think women expect a lot form their friend ships and sometime need to let go

Don't think it's worth getting stressed about. If she's going to lie, what kind of a friend is she anyway?

I am such a coward - I can't stand confrontation.

I need to learn to stand up for myself.

you dont need to confront
just be busy

I think friendships do run their course. I had a similar experience with a really close, good friend - it got to a point where I realised I was always ringing, mailing and trying to arrange to meet but she started always being busy - we'd been previously meeting every week for coffee, meals out etc.

In the end I decided I wouldn't contact her again just to see if she would then email/ring to find out why I'd not been in contact - she never did and that was about 2.5 yrs ago.

It's really odd actually and sometimes I do think about it and try to think back if I did something to upset her. We were really, really close friends and suddenly it just stopped. I've no idea where she is now, how her dd is, whether she had more children...

I agree with the others though - let her come to you now and if she does, then listen but don't do any more chasing.

thank you all

Would love an update!

I've had a similar experience with my oldest friend.

After repeatedly being let down by her/feeling as if she was avoiding me, I finally stopped making the effort when she didn't turn up for a meal at my house - my partner had gone out to pub to leave us to it, so I spent the evening alone, eating the food I'd cooked.

I gave up on her after that. 2 years later, she got back in touch with me, with no explanation of why she in effect just "dumped" me as a friend. I have no idea what happened to our friendship, we had been very close.

I accepted an invite to her wedding recently and went. She was very friendly. But I don't think I'll consider her a good friend again, unless she's got something to say about it all to me.

Absolutely!!
My ex best female friend (my dh is my absolute best friend)used to cause me so much stress and anxiety, and it's only now that we are no longer talking, that i can see it.
We were best mates for about 5 years and would talk about everything. She was and still is my ds Godmother (in name only) and she was a great laugh. But, she always made me feel inferior to her. I'd worry if i text her and she didn't reply... if i emailed her and didn't get an almost immediate response, i'd immediately think i'd done something to offend or upset her! It makes me mad now to see how much she got to me and for no reason whatsoever!!
She seemed unable to hold a relationship down and whenever one came to an end, she'd expect me to drop everything and go rushing to her side, even though i had a tiny baby and a husband battling skin cancer. I guess thats what friends do but my dh and i have been through some time times financially and we didn't have enough money for the train fare to visit her. We had our phone disconnected a few times too and she'd get arsey with me for not calling her! I'd text her as much as i could but that was never enough. She didn't contact me for a few days and then sent me a stinking email really slagging me and my dh off, saying how much we'd let her down and at least she knew who her true friends were!
But then she'd call me, put on her pathetic twee voice and apologise.. and she'd say that it was only because she thought the world of me that she got so annoyed!
Well, this went on for a year or so and then finally, a year ago yesterday, she just completely lost her temper with me! She waited for my dh to go out and then launched the most vile verbal attack at me! To this day, i have no idea what the hissy fit was about and the thing that saddens me slightly, is that i couldn't give a flying f**k!!
The day that we cut ties, was the day that i felt a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders and not one day has passed where i've felt even the smallest twinge of sadness over losing her friendship.
I thought she was a true friend but nothing i ever did was ebough.. and i didn't have any more to give. She wore me down.. who needs people like that in their lives?

Blimey.. sorry... didn't mean to go on so much but i've never said all that before and it feels good to have got it all off my chest!

Dejags, it's sad when friendships end but sometimes it's for the best. It just allows extra room in your life for new friends and aquaintances... and who needs the stress!

That just about says it all. I can relate to that.

Why is so hard to be honest with your friends when you're not getting what you need from a friendship?

I've dumped guys in my time (ooooohhhh, hark at her!) and recovered from the guilt pretty quickly. But the idea of sitting down with someone (and let's face it, we probably all have a 'heartsink' friend, who we'd really rather not see any more) and saying to them: 'look, it's just not working any more, shall we not see each other for a while' - why, I'd rather gnaw my own arm off with wooden false teeth.

I don't get it, although I know I couldn't do it. Instead I just kind of, don't return their phone calls for a while and drift away.....

Had something similar, I have been good friens with this person for a few years. Mainly drinking buddies on a girly night out once a month and a few texts in between. I was moving house the day of her wedding reception and didn't make it and although I have emailed her and text her to which she has replied and said she isn't upset with me. I still feel bad

She hasn't text me or emailed since

I'm going to disagree here.

If things really are rough with her, as a long-term good friend you should be supportive, not petulant if she doesn't immediately drop everything when you contact her.

There may be a bunch of reasons why she didn't invite your ds, and was perhaps just too tired to disect them all with you - felt it was easier just to deny it was happening. Given the situation, I'm not surprised she ignored your text about the party, it must have felt to her that you were trying to start an argument and she just wasn't feeling up to it.

If you don't feel you want to make the effort any more, fair enough - then don't. But it seems a bit mean to me. Do you know what she is going through that is 'rough'?

You can make friends, but you can't make old friends.

Friendships move on and need to evolve just as we do. You sound like a great friend though. She's lucky. Perhaps you two need to redefine your friendship but have a little break first. It sounds like she's doing different things with different people for the moment.

Keep it sweet though and she might well come back into the friendship.

I sound so wise. I'm actually really crap at friendship maintainance.

update:

My friend called me last night and left a message on my home phone. Her tone was bored and disinterested, however, I did the polite thing and returned her call this morning. She didn't take the call, I left a message, and guess what, she hasnt returned my call.

I can definitely take a hint and for the most part I just think she can get stuffed.

phillipat - I think I should clarify that this behaviour has gone on for a long time, I have always supported her through every rough time she has had. Recently I don't actually believe things are that rough (more like she cant be bothered) - her excuse is that her 15 month old doesn't sleep through the night - how does that stop her returning my calls. If I hadn't returned any calls for the duration DS2 was getting me up at night, I'd be blighted off the face of the earth - friends-wise that is.

I am now a believer in friendship running it's course. Not bitter and who knows we may pick up something in the future, but I doubt it.

Thanks for your input everybody.

Sorry dejags.

thanks Spidermama but actually it isn't nearly as much of an issue as I thought.

That's the beauty of mumsnet. Sometimes when you read back a thread you start you get a certain clarity on an issue which is bugging you (not exactly sure how, but it's not the first time for me).

I am certain I did everything I could to keep the friendship going and it didn't work out. I don't plan to over analyse it, it isn't worth it.

dejags, I'm going through a similar thing myself with an old friend who lives quite far away from me now. I've concluded that I only have so much energy in life and have to conserve it for relationships where I get pleasure not frustration from. I'm in a place now where there is almost nothing she could do which would upset me. I've been upset by her for 5 years and am numb to it now. I see her when she visits if I feel like it, I don't invite her to christenings, birthdays, etc anymore, and I wish I could just say bugger off but I can't. Dont know why. I think Cod's right, no need for confrontation, just be busy! That's pretty much how I've been playing it anyway. But in answer to your question, yes friendships do run their course.