Friendships reaching their sellby date. Do they?

[dejags]

A very good friend of mine (known her for 16 years) is a bit of a slob when it comes to ?friendship maintenance?. I have long since accepted that for the most part I am required to visit her (we live 45 minutes drive apart) and that I will for the most part make the telephone calls etc. I cheerfully accepted this because she is a good friend and I got something out of the friendship. Lately this has changed. I tried to call her repeatedly to wish her a happy birthday, she ignored all my calls (which would have shown as she has caller id on her mobile), she also ignored all three messages I left (one of which with her Gran just in case she had lost her phone). Anyway a week later she sends me a text to say sorry, things are rough and that she hopes I am not disappointed in her as a friend. To which I replied of course not, I understand that things can get on top of a person.

Anyway once again she did it again, at which point I sent her a text to ask if I had offended her, she responded immediately and was really sorry and we parted on good note. To add insult to injury she had a bday part for her DD1 and didn?t invite my DS, this in itself wouldn?t be a big deal but she lied about it ? denied that she was having a party when I know full well she did.

I finally lost it this morning when she didn?t reply to my text asking how the party was and sent her an email saying that I thought I was wasting my time and that she would end up lonely if she sidelined her ?proper friends? the way she has me. To this she responded immediately acting as if she was the injured party. I told her I couldn?t talk to her as I was at work and she is going to phone me later.

Please tell me I am not the one in the wrong here? I think that this a friendship past its sellby date.

What do you think?

aww im sorry to hear that dejags. im the runner in the friendships that i am in too. i get sick of it, but unfortunately i only have two friends i can go out with or whatever. its sad that things come to this, but least you dont feel like you're making all the effort no more

I'm sorry to hear you having trouble with your friend.

Just another view though - my best friend is my dh's brothers ex, so things have become strained lately as they had a bad break-up with affairs, domestic violence, the lot. We have kind of drifted apart recently (this year) because she and my dh have always hated each other and now the BIL is out of the equation, they just don't seem to make the effort to get along anymore...

Anyway, I have this stupid phobia of speaking on the phone and can only remember phoning her about ten times ever (best friends for 8 years) yet she phoned me at least once a day before the drifting (I did answer the phone though). I was always there in person/text/email though when there was a problem, when she was upset or whatever but still do not feel I am a fair friend to her. Esp. as she doesn't know about my phone-fear.

It gets even more complicated because she is now the partner of my SIL's (dh and BIL's sister) ex partner, who has custody of their two children, so I doubt my children would be invited to her step-children's parties and vice versa.

Very complicated, I know, but neither of us want the friendship to end and just goes to show their can be obstacles that the other party doesn't know about. If you know she is making effort with other friendships but not yours it probably is a problem, but if she's down/or lacking self-confidence etc she might genuinely want to be your friend but isn't really showing it that well.

I've known my best mate about 18 years and can cheerfully hold my hands up to being crap at friendship maintenance. She usually calls me to arrange stuff but I always answer/return her calls and would never dream of lying about a party and not inviting her.

I also went through a rough time last year with a small baby and critically ill dp, I was out of contact for ages due to going to and fro to hospital, but after a few weeks I managed to call her to keep her updated and was exceptionally glad to have her to talk to.

In answer to your question, ime some friendships do come to an end and it's a pity we can't do the 'it's not you it's me' conversation with friends when the time comes. If I were in your shoes I'd just stop calling and see what happens.

Dejags, I do think friendships can run their course. Sometimes you just can't forgive someone bad behaviour. But sometimes it is worth cutting someone some slack - sorry but when dd didn't sleep properly until she was about 15 months I was MAD and couldn't be bothered with anything much except obsessing about getting some sleep. I certainly didn't call friends or see them or do anything much! But if this has been going ona while and you feel it's the right thing to do, drop her. You're right about mn being great for chewing these things over, it really helps me in that way too. Good luck.

I agree friendships can run there course and just end. It is always sad when this happends. But I also think that long term friendships have cycles, just like marriages. Sometimes your happy spending time together and feel very close, other times you just need space and want to give up.
Take some time out, maybe give her a call in six months a year even you never you might become friends again. You were friends for a reason.

An old friend of ours has just come back into our life after an almost 4 year absence, am quite pleased that she is around again.

I have to say by having a baby you really begin to see who your friends really are. Alot of them i find stumble into your life due to circumstances and so when the status quo of life is changed ie through marriage, pregnancy etc they either run to find someone who is more "on their wave length" or they are true friends who see you as you always were and know that you will never change no matter what life throws at you.