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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need help! Don't know what to do.

47 replies

Hullabulloo · 15/10/2010 22:50

sorry thus is so long.
Dh problems. He's basically told the kids he was going to leave on a weekly basis throughout their childhoods. He's not violent but I am scared of him. He screams at me, tells me shut up numerous times a day and goes into long rants telling me my fault and tells me I'd better not dare speak back. I'm constantly nervous of the next outbreak. Tonight he's gone ballistic as kids didn't go to bed the minute they were told. Screamed at them that he's leaving and it's all their fault, tells them they've ruined his life. Swore at them. Ended up with him downstairs drinking wine and me trying to calm 3 kid. 7 year old ds sobbing, 11 year old dd saying please don't divorce and my teenage dd shaking and sobbing on the floor. I know it will hurt them if I leave but if I stay Arnt I damaging them? He's always said it's his house and he's not leaving. I've not got a penny as he never wanted me to get a job- said it would split the family up. Don't even know how I would leave. Feel so trapped and alone. I'm an awfull mum :(

OP posts:
chandra · 15/10/2010 23:01

Ok, one step at a time.

-He might not be beating you or the children but you are obviously a victim of emotional abuse. That is more damaging than physical abuse, both for you and your children.

  • Yes, you are damaging if you stay, they learn from example so, you are teaching them that growing up scared and abused is "normal". Boys will learn that that's the way to deal with their future partners, girls will learn it is normal for partners to treat them that bad.
  • Are you married? or do you have the mortgage/tenancy on joint names? If so, he can say whatever he wants but that house is half yours, he may not want to leave but he needs to buy you out.
  • Whatever you do, don't leave the children behind, even if it is just while you sort things up. He will get them.
  • As for the money? please have a look at www.entitledto.org.uk, you might be surprised at how much help you can get. Things aren't going to be easy but one day you will look back and realise that even with less money your life is so much better.
nemofish · 15/10/2010 23:01

You are not an awful mum, but you are in an awful relationship. And yes it will be damaging for your dc's to see you being treated so badly, never mind living in fear of their dad. Even though he hasn't been violent to you (or you dc's?) he has abused you emotionally.

My mother used to tell me that I had ruined her life, everything's my fault etc and it is very harmful and will be chipping away at you and you childrens' self esteem.

I know that it's easy to say 'dump him / leave' and that the practicalities of life get in the way and the fear of being alone and 'can I do it / survive on my own?' can seem scarier / worse than the shit you are having to deal with now.

If I were you, I would have a think and look at my options. Start planning now and in time it will do easier to do.

chandra · 15/10/2010 23:04

oh yes, plan ahead, start looking for a job, start having a look at what is available, go to the CAB for advice on benefits, etc etc. Now, if things get really bad, get out as soon as you need to.

whenallelsefailsmaketea · 15/10/2010 23:08

Hi hullabulloo

So sad for you and the DC.

Does he drink a lot of wine? Does he shout more when he has been drinking? :(

whenallelsefailsmaketea · 15/10/2010 23:09

Oh and ring Women's Aid, they will be able to help you think it through and do what is best for your DC

Original poster
Hullabulloo · 15/10/2010 23:12

Thanks for the answer. In tears here. Don't think I'd admitted to myself how bad things are. Sometimes he's really nice and I tell myself it's all ok now.
It's not that I care about having things. Just need somewhere to live I don't think I can make him leave the house. He's twice as big as me. He's never hurt the kids physically but I wouldn't leave tge kids with him chandra. He has no patience with them and has never cooked, cleaned or cared for them.
I know I need to go but I only have a couple of hundred pounds and we have nowhere to stay.
Thanks for all tge advice.

OP posts:
chandra · 15/10/2010 23:14

Hulla, how old is your youngest kid? do you have 2 or 3 kids?

Original poster
Hullabulloo · 15/10/2010 23:15

He does drink a fair bit of win whenallelsefails but can go without. Don't really know if it effects his temper just seems so resentful of us most of the time x

OP posts:
Original poster
Hullabulloo · 15/10/2010 23:17

Sorry chandra. Yes we are married, the house is in both our names and we have 3 kids between 14 and 7. Lovely kids that he says are spoilt brats who care for no one and only want his money x

OP posts:
Original poster
Hullabulloo · 15/10/2010 23:19

Sorry for typos. I'm posting on my phone in bedroom.

OP posts:
chandra · 15/10/2010 23:24

Ok, according to the calculator, if you go into job seeker allowance, you can get £143 for tax credits, £65.45 of JSA, plus 47 of Child benefit. All these a week.

I know that that is hardly enough to pay the basic costs, but you might qualify for housing benefit as well, and council tax benefit.

You are not trapped. That should give you a good base to keep your head above the water, while the separation of assets goes through and you find a job.

Original poster
Hullabulloo · 15/10/2010 23:33

Chandra. Thank you so much for working that out. Kind of assumed I wouldn't get anything until settlement sorted and didn't know how I would cope until I find work. Have always wanted to be a childminder but he didn't want other peoples kids in the house.
So scared of facing up to him and telling him it's all over but it's getting worse and I need to look after my kids. They have to come first. Just wish we had somewhere to stay for a few days to escape the worst of the storm!

OP posts:
TrappedinSuburbia · 15/10/2010 23:40

I know everyone screams 'womens aid' for all sorts, but really they would get ypecou sorted in this situation, especially because of the emotional abuse to your kids.

Sorry typos, but sounds like your kids are really suffering.

chandra · 15/10/2010 23:41

I'm sure that starting to plan your "freedom" will give you some sense of direction. Use the time when the children are in school, go to CAB, try to talk to Womans Aid, start looking for a place where you may stay, go to a Job Centre, they are good at providing options to help out single mums and to help you apply for benefits.

Mermaidspam · 15/10/2010 23:42

Do you have any family you could stay with?

Are you anywhere near me? I'm in the North East.

PotPourri · 15/10/2010 23:47

What chandra just said. If there is no violence, then perhaps you can afford to spend some time planning, and getting yourself organised.

CAB, solicitor - to understand your situation on benefits, jobs, divorce and other rights.

And start building a nest egg that he doesn't know about asap. And you need RL support - do you have any good friends/family? It can help alot

If it does turn violent - you need to go faster - so Women's aid is your best thing.

Longer term - you can think about counselling to build your self esteem

YOU ARE NOT A BAD MUM. YOU REALLY ARE NOT!

You are going to make things right, and in years to come your children will be proud of you and learn from your strength for doing the hard thing for their benefit

Tortington · 15/10/2010 23:49

you need to get all your facts about you.

go to a free advice session with a solicitor and specifically ask him about the house and that situation.

whether you can force hhi to leave and pay the ortgage 0 or whether you ahve to sell up

next get money - tell hi you have spent more on shopping than you did

sneek to the cash achine and draw a tenner

anything

then get all your iportant docuents together

bills in your joint names, birth certificas, passports etc. and photographs. keep them in a safe place.

then whilst he is at work.... the suitcases that are on top of the wardrobe or wherever they are gathering dust...stick some things in that wont be missed, some clothes, those documents, stuff for the kids, like gaes consoles, jewellery etc. just in case you have to go at a minutes notice.

you must divorce him and put the house on the market.

ring womens aid

go to the cab

chandra · 15/10/2010 23:50

BTW, you may also qualify for legal aid.

Original poster
Hullabulloo · 15/10/2010 23:58

I will start planning. Don't know how long I can stay as oldest dd seems depressed and not herself, not sure what this is doing to her. We don't see him much during tge week as he works all hours and at weekends this seems to happen all the time now.
Don't think I can build much of a nest egg over a few hundred as he is very controlling of any money I get. Barely ever have a penny left over ater feeding kids.
Can't really stay with anyone as there are too many of us. No one has enough room.
I do have a joint credit card. Don't know if I could pay deposit on Somewhere on that. Will have to ask him in the morning if he will go. He's the one who keep saying he wants his life back.
Definately want counciling in future as father is a sociopath and mother was an anorexic when I was growing up. Think I got a bit to used to being treated like rubbish.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hullabulloo · 16/10/2010 00:02

Feel awful that I let this happen didn't actually realise how bad this was till I broke down to friend and saw her reaction. Little things like him screaming at me for forgetting to buy peanutt better when I did a weekly shop while suffering from broncitis. Her face made me realise what a silly cow I've been :(

OP posts:
KickArseQueenOfTheDamned · 16/10/2010 00:07

Hulla, you have been a silly cow! you've ended up in a situation and you've had the wit to realise its not right! That makes you intelligent and a good mum. Hang on, looking for a link.

Original poster
Hullabulloo · 16/10/2010 00:09

Oh and thanks mermaid spam I'm in the south x

OP posts:
KickArseQueenOfTheDamned · 16/10/2010 00:12

Right, this is a link to womens aid I really recommend that you ring them tomorrow. They will be able to talk through lots of things with you, and btw a friend of mine recently called them and they rehomed her very quickly with her dcs in a hostel. She said it was lovely. Not at all what she had expected and she's just moved into her own place.

There are people who can help if you reach out for it. :)

There is a list of things you should try to take with you documents wise and if you can get them ring for duplicates and ask to have them sent to a friends address.

Don't let him get hold of your phone, he could fing this thread.

Imregular · 16/10/2010 00:13

AS custardo said, a way to get money is to get your shopping and ask for cashback. So a £60 food bill could be £100 (£40 saved for you). If you're going soon, could maybe go for it and get several shops in with £50 cash backs

Could you sell stuff on eBay to get some money? Few days sorting (while he isn't there), 3 day listing, 3 days for posting etc. Could be done and dusted in a fortnight. Only worth doing if you have larger value things to sell though as it's alot of hassle, when you could be focusing on your get out.

Make sure you clear the history tonight on your PC and from now on use In Private browsing. As a precaution. And don't reveal too much about yourself or your plans on here. Maybe you could change name if you think he might know yours and access mumsnet from another route from now on so it doesn't flag (e.g. through google)

Only you know what you want to do. But I would be wary of asking him to leave if he is the controlling type, it could make things worse for you without knowing what your own position is. I know if I asked husband to leave he would say no.

You have not been a silly cow. He has failed you. He was supposed to love you all and support you and nurture you. Like someone else said, you are going to do the right thing now. You will make things better

KickArseQueenOfTheDamned · 16/10/2010 00:14

Hulla please read that as have NOT Been!!!!

omg typo of the year Blush!! so sorry! Sad