Need help! Don't know what to do.

[Hullabulloo]

sorry thus is so long.
Dh problems. He's basically told the kids he was going to leave on a weekly basis throughout their childhoods. He's not violent but I am scared of him. He screams at me, tells me shut up numerous times a day and goes into long rants telling me my fault and tells me I'd better not dare speak back. I'm constantly nervous of the next outbreak. Tonight he's gone ballistic as kids didn't go to bed the minute they were told. Screamed at them that he's leaving and it's all their fault, tells them they've ruined his life. Swore at them. Ended up with him downstairs drinking wine and me trying to calm 3 kid. 7 year old ds sobbing, 11 year old dd saying please don't divorce and my teenage dd shaking and sobbing on the floor. I know it will hurt them if I leave but if I stay Arnt I damaging them? He's always said it's his house and he's not leaving. I've not got a penny as he never wanted me to get a job- said it would split the family up. Don't even know how I would leave. Feel so trapped and alone. I'm an awfull mum :(

Must preview!!!!

Thanks kickarse kind of figured that ;)
can't do cashback, I only have access to the cash he gives me, it is just enough for food and he demands wine, beer etc out of that so none to spare. Half term in a week, think that will be my target date. Will ring womansaid but feel I'm waisting their time as so many people need their help and are in awful situations. Feel ashasmed. I was trying to be a good mum with stories, hugs, homecooked meals but let their dad treat us like this. It's gradually built up And I just didn't realise how bad it's got. Kids crying in bits Tonight and he just didn't care.

Oh and thanks all for the advice about clearing browser history. He doesn't no Im registered with mumsnet and I'll clear tracks/ hide phone.

Thankyou!

You have been a good mum! He's let you down, he was supposed to support you.

You ae not wasting womens aids time. Please ring them.

Collect together everything that you can and just go. Grab your life back, you don't have to be frightened of him all the time.

WomensAid can easily tell you that 99.99% of the people that ring them start with that phrase:

"Will ring womansaid but feel I'm waisting their time as so many people need their help and are in awful situations. '

You are in an awful situation. Most victims of domestic abuse keep claiming "oh well, he is not that bad, really..." even if they are constantly abused or battered. I guess that the abuse increases so gradually that by the time things get really bad, they hardly notice.

Agree with everyone else. He sounds vile. I hope he gets hit by a bus.

You say there's no one you can stay with because there are so many of you - that isn't true. I'm sure if a friend or relative knew how bad your situation is they would have you to stay in a second. Two kids in a double bed, sofa, bed of blankets on the floor. You can easy fit 4/5 people into even a small house if it's an emergency, which this is.

Will maybe talk to my brother only trouble is he lives about 20 odd miles away. Might be able to put me up for a couple of days over half term.
Will take credit card and take kids out for the day as a start.
I do ask him to stop when he's shouting I say please don't upset the kids. He just keeps saying i'd better 'shut up,I earns all the money you don't get a say'. Or even worse says don't you dare speak in a scary voice. Last week he was screaming up the stairs at kids and trying to force me to sit and eat my dinner while he did it. I said i couldn't and he started throwing things aound.
I can't shout back even if I had the guts to as that would be worse for the kids. More shouting and noice.
Don't want things to go on like this.
The other day one of the kids said 'please don't leave' really quite and in a sad little voice. Made me want to cry, he just said 'well you'd better be nice then. It's all your fault.' in a self rightous kind of voice.
Don't even really understand how this has got to this point. My friend asked when it started and I couldn't say. It's crept up on me.

Hulla

How are you today?.

Can you leave before half term?.

Abuse like you all are experiencing here is insidious in its onset and is highly damaging. Also your own experiences when growing up with such toxic parents likely also played its part here in marrying such an abuser.

I hope you do call WA or have already called them; you are not wasting their time at all. Your situation at home is not at all tenable and you are all being affected by the actions of this abuser; the after effects of which also need to be dealt with through counselling and support too for yoru children. None of you are safe within the home.

He's still in bed. Definately ending this just don't know how? Think I need to talk to my brother and let him know what's happening. Dh won't be up for a few hours on a weekend. Waiting for teenager to wake up then going to take them all out for the day. Need to make plans I think. But also need to spend time showing my kids some love today.
Thanks so much for all your support. Never really spoken of this till a week ago and just assumed I was lazy/annoying/hard to live with.

Will definately go down the counceling route Attila. One child painfully shy and one has had problems being bullied till I moved his school so think they need some help. :(

If I were you I'd go down the Womens Aid route. They can look after you in a safe environment till you are housed. It definetely sounds serious enough for that. I didn't go down that route and am paying way over what I can afford for a private rental. The more secure you are in your new life the better

Hulla,

8 years ago I was in your shoes, except that my EX used me like a punchbag, please ring womens aid they will help you, they did me.

I'm sitting here today with a job that I love, two very happy DS, and a lovely happy home, you don't have to put up with it. I'm not going to lie, it was hard but so so worth it.

Studioussal, so glad you got out. You sound like an amazing woman.
I'm not really scared of the future as long as I've got my kids. Grew up with nothing, doesn't take much to make me happy. Just want a quite safe little sanctuary. It's the whole process before that point that scares me iyswim? :(
the horrible thing is he's so nice sometimes and then I feel like I'm being unreasonable for being so unhappy.
Btw, will ring womansaid for a chat as soon as I can without kids around.

"The other day one of the kids said 'please don't leave' really quite and in a sad little voice. Made me want to cry, he just said 'well you'd better be nice then. It's all your fault.' in a self rightous kind of voice." Thats emotional abuse hulla :( You are doing the right thing. Ring WA as soon as you can.

Hope you have a lovely day on the credit card :)

Damn! Sorry you are going through this.

You have made the first most important step. You have realised there is a problem and you have spoken about it even if it is to a bunch of internet strangers.

Your 14 year old daughter if she has seen this for all her short life probably thinks this is the way relationships should be. Do you want her spending years living with a man exactly the same as you have?

Do you want to imagine your son, his face probably screwed up screaming the way his dad does at his girlfriend/wife because that is what he thinks a relationship is.

If he realised you have changed in some small way because you have realised he is wrong and are even the slightest bit stronger he could get much worse or go the opposite way and be sweet and loving (would you have stayed with him for over 14 years of constant abuse with out and redeeming parts?).

It is very easy for me to say leave.

It is very hard for you to do so, especially with 3 little ones who are conditioned to love their dad despite the way he is.

Please please keep posting, when he screams at you next please post here so we can all reassure you that it is HIM who has a problem not YOU.

No matter how long it takes we will be here with as much support as we can.

Please be very careful and take care of yourself.

Thanks Xales. Your post means alot. Its so good to have support. Definately need to end things just need to work out how and when.
Now that ive realised how abusive this is to my kids and as its getting worse I think it needs to be sooner rather than later.
will make appt CAB and talk to a lawyer.

Good luck! You must find this all really scary.

You are one hell of a brave lady to be planning this.

Hulla

Your toxic parents taught you many damaging lessons as a child so it is not totally surprising you went on to marry an abusive man. You can break this abuse cycle, the first step to get out is often the hardest but it needs to be done and it can be done. You can show your children that it is not acceptable to be treated in such a manner. There is support here online and also WA can and will help you and the children.

Your children sincerely do not need all this chaos in their lives, they are currently living in chaos and you would all be far safer not just to say happier apart from this individual.

Am cheering you on from the sidelines

Am also cheering you. I've nothing really I can add to this thread apart from constantly being awestruck by just how brave you, and anyone else in your situation, is.

You are bloody amazing :)

Another "Go, girl, go!" from me, too :) I hope you've had a great day out with your kids and will phone your brother, Womens Aid and the CAB the very next time you get the chance. All good wishes.

I don't have much to add either, but just to say that you are doing an amazing job. Keep strong. Try hard not to show how much stronger you are (don't show your cards yet) so that he doesn't suspect anything has changed.

Please keep posting, especially if you start to doubt your resolve or start thinking you could be a little bit to blame. There are women on here who I am in awe of, and that includes you. One day, you will help others get through dark days like you are having now.

Hug your children, and go to bed to dream of a life full of happiness and joy. It'll be yours for real soon!

Thanks everyone. Am meeting the one friend that I've spoken to about this tomorrow. Will ask her to support me through CAB and solicitor appts. Also going to ring WA tomorrow. Dont think hes noticed a change in my attitude yet as he never feels guilty after the outburst never apologizes just sulks and thinks he's hard done by that me and awfully behaved kids drive him to this. (funny how schools, clubs etc always say what wonderfully, behaved, clever and sweet kids I have but not their own father!)

Had a nice day with them yesterday, oldest always seems desperate to get out of house at weekends. Can't leave this too long or think she'll end up leaving home at 16 like I did.
On another note does anyone know if I would have to pay for counciling. Would like to start but havnt got enough money. Could I go to GP? What would I tell him? It's all so shameful.

It is very likely that you would, it is sometimes be provided by the NHS but to be honest, there is not much budget for it and IMO the very little spaces they have are allocated to the most serious/chronic cases. Relate is an option, they adapt what they charge according to your income. So that may be a possibility.

If you are trying to get some support for the children during the breakup, Parentline, Gingerbread, Relate Teen, can help you all through the bad patch. Many refuges offer counselling too to the persons they are supporting.