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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

just because you didn't get pregnant out of wedlock does not mean the sun shines out of your arse!!

40 replies

booooooooooyhoo · 15/10/2010 18:50

arrrgghh!!!

mud fecking sticks doesn't it?

just sitting at parent's house after dinner. ds asks dad "what are those lines on your face?" dad replies that they are worry lines caused be me and Dsis. we have a giggle. Dsis then can't resist saying, "to be fair i think it was your mum (me) that caused all those, i didn't cause any of them" and i said (sarkily) "no, cause you're an angel" and she kept on saying "well it's true, you caused them a lot more stress than i have." and i asked her what she meant. she said "what do you think i mean?" before dad not so subtly changed the subject.

i mean ds is 5 now, my mum and dad have always loved him to pieces, they never bore any grudges and have never told me they were disappointed that i was 19 and not married when i had him. they have been nothing but supportive since i had him. why the fuck does she have to throw that shit up at me? this is the UK in 2010 not rural ireland in the 1950's.

OP posts:

PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker · 15/10/2010 18:55

Ignore ignore ignore! I would imagine even if it were the worst stress ever for them having a beautiful grandson more than makes up for it...

Original poster

booooooooooyhoo · 15/10/2010 18:58

i am firmly biting down on my tongue. there is no point trying to challenge her view of me as she just holds that opinion of teenage/single parents. it makes me so cross. you would think having a sister that is one would have helped her see she was wrong but no it seems i am just as bad as all the other single mothers and deserve to be told it.

OP posts:

PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker · 15/10/2010 19:00

I hope she's perfect! Perhaps you could find your own prejudice to make her feel shit.

FreudianSlippery · 15/10/2010 19:04

Your sister, for example, is a teat.

Hmm actually wrote TWAT there - damn autocorrect! :o

Original poster

booooooooooyhoo · 15/10/2010 19:05

there's no point, she will always be better than me. i have blotted my copybook for all to see. she is the smart one, she keeps her little moments of shame to herself.

i was actually sitting trying to work out what the difference between her and i is, apart from the fact that i have the dcs. and you know what there are none.

we are both educated to the same level, niether of us are working at the minute, i am the one keeping my own home and family while she is still living with parents while waiting to go to aus for a year on their money.

OP posts:

PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker · 15/10/2010 19:06

Well seems to me you have more to be proud of, perhaps she's jealous.

Greenwing · 15/10/2010 19:08

It's sibling rivalry - which doesn't stop when you reach adulthood. She is seeking approval from your parents by pointing out that she has been a 'good girl' and wants a pat on the head from them.
Feel sorry in her insecurity, be grateful for your loving, supportive parents and for your Dad's tact in changing the subject. They probably find her annoying too and hope she will 'grow out of it'.
Might you be so upset because you are a little worried that she is right? Have you ever talked to them about it? They sound wonderful and you might feel happier for some reassurance, which would make it easier to deal with annoying sister comments in future.

bumpybecky · 15/10/2010 19:09

sounds like she's jealous

FreudianSlippery · 15/10/2010 19:10

Oh so she doesn't even have kids? I'd assumed through skim reading that she had her own perfect husband and 2.4 children...

Yep, she's jealous.

Lynli · 15/10/2010 19:10

If she remained a virgin until she was married, then maybe she has a point.

If not then she was lucky.

She maybe jealous.

Original poster

booooooooooyhoo · 15/10/2010 19:12

oh, i know they were disappointed, i know they were stressed about it but they never once openly told me or criticised me for it. it just seems like i am fair game to her.

OP posts:

Original poster

booooooooooyhoo · 15/10/2010 19:14

nope she is not a virgin. although i don't see how that would justify her treatment of me lynli. are you saying she is right to look down on me because i had premarital sex?

OP posts:

PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker · 15/10/2010 19:18

No, Lynli was saying if she'd never had sex then in a grim reality she may have a right to look down upon you!!

Original poster

booooooooooyhoo · 15/10/2010 19:21

for having sex????

OP posts:

PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker · 15/10/2010 19:27

No.....(this is like explaining a joke to my four year old!!) it's ridiculous that your sis looks down on you for having a child because the only difference between her and you is that your sex lead to pregnancy!!! So unless she's never had sex she really has no right!

See???

Original poster

booooooooooyhoo · 15/10/2010 19:31

yes i get that, the only difference is she didn't get 'caught'. but i still don't think her not having sex would make her any better than me or give her any more right to look down on me. anyway she has had sex so we are the same except i have the dcs.

i hope she gets a rude awakening when she goes to Auz. although with her attitude i think she might find herself without friends very quickly.

OP posts:

notevenamousie · 15/10/2010 19:34

Mostly I agree with you... except for this...
"I am just as bad as all the other single mothers" - the other single mothers are bad but you somehow aren't. Really???

Original poster

booooooooooyhoo · 15/10/2010 19:37

what i meant by that was in her mind all single mothers are bad. i don't for one second hold the same opinion so don't go starting that.

OP posts:

notevenamousie · 15/10/2010 19:52

Fair enough, that's just how it came across :)

PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker · 15/10/2010 20:16

OP...I think the previous poster was trying to highlight her hypocrisy, not in any way to justify anyone thinking they're better than you whatsoever.

noteven OP said"you would think having a sister that is one would have helped her see she was wrong but no it seems i am just as bad as all the other single mothers and deserve to be told it." This means that her sister's stupid POV should have been challenged by knowing a single mother who is, quite obviously, not the same as the prejudiced stereotype she believes. But instead her sister is now prejudiced against her too. Basically Op's sister is acting like a spiteful and petulant child.

ullainga · 15/10/2010 20:17

well as you say yourself, they were stressed and disappointed?

No it's not nice and it's very childish to rub it in, but I kind of understand - I'm the child that never caused any troubles and my sister was the one getting into all kinds (including having a baby being 19 and single). And it actually hurts to see how my parents fuss over her and worry about her and do everything for her...whereas I, the sensible one, had to take care of myself.

No, I don't think my sister is bad or anything and I'm not looking down on her like it was suggested here (we have a very good relationship). I guess..I resent the fact that I kind of did everything "right" and instead of this being awarded and appreciated, I was neglected as my parents were too busy worrying about my sister. I think your sister might feel the same way and just can't help herself sometimes. And yes I want my pat on the head! Not likely to happen though..

whomovedmychocolate · 15/10/2010 20:21

Gosh how boring your sister must be to be so focused on what happened five years ago. I would next time yawn loudly and reply: 'and what's new in your life then' preferably while rolling your eyes.

The person you are now is the not the person you were five years ago, nor is your sister, nor your parents. Most people evolve positively. Try to remember that in families people cling to the position they feel most secure in. In your family that seems to feature you as the wayward one. So what? It's not true, so don't let it phase you. My mum would have me believe that I am constantly having small accidents and am clumsy.

I was like that when I was a kid, but I'm 37 now and have changes a tad

Ce la vie. Don't let the buggers get you down.

mathanxiety · 15/10/2010 20:32

On your own behalf, I think the high road is the one to take, but she involved your DS in this conversation. I would be spitting bullets for trying to snidely insinuate her pov to your DS though, or through him.

I would be tempted to take her aside and ask her how she feels about her little nephew and tell her she must never again express anything negative about his presence in the family again. I think your parents should tell her straight out that that's the end of it too. Your DS will be old enough to start understanding these undercurrents soon, and this sister needs to be stopped.

Original poster

booooooooooyhoo · 15/10/2010 20:50

ullainga, i can totally get that for her at teh time it would have been frustraing but it isn't how it is now. i moved out when ds was born and believe me there is no fussing and worrying over me now. i have more than proven to them that i am capable of doing a good job as a parent, they know how independant i am and they know i wouldn't want them to be fussing and worrying. my sister certainly has never had to take care of herself, and stil doesn't at 23. her life is exactly the same now as it was at 13 except she doesn't go to school. she gets all her washing done, her meals cooked, her room cleaned. she is definitely not, or never has had to take care of herself.

good idea whomoved i will try that one next time.

math she doesn't like my son. he is a nuisance in her life. ok for a bit of entertainment but overall she would rather he wasn't around, i don't think taking her aside would achieve anything other than her throwing a childish strop and telling tales to mum, and of course mum likes to keep the peace so wont take sides (which i totally accept and understand)

i have decided in the past to distance myself from my family but it seems i can't do that enough. well she goes to australia in a month so at least i wont have to bite my tongue at her narrowminded comments.

OP posts:

WriterofDreams · 15/10/2010 20:56

Ah, sisters. They will always know how to get on your nerves. My sister is exactly like this - constant barbed comments and criticisms.

Coming from anyone else it would be pathetic and sort of funny but coming from a relative it's so much harder to deal with. I try my best to ignore my "dear" sis. I think her problem is jealousy actually - why would she feel the need to put me down if she wasn't trying to make herself feel better? I know how wearing it can be. I'd love to have a better relationship with my sister but I don't think it'll ever happen :(

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