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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

SandSad's World Fell Apart a Little more

33 replies

sandsad · 15/10/2010 16:26

...to those who helped me on my previous thread. Thank you.

It is still going on Sad

OP posts:
bisybackson · 15/10/2010 16:37

sandsad - I didn't see your previous thread - I'm sorry - but I didn't want you to go unanswered. I am sure someone who knows your story will be along soon and able to offer comfort/advice.

Meantime I am here if you would like to tell me about it.

sandsad · 15/10/2010 17:28

Thank you Bisybackson, you are kind.

Another thread about betrayal and infidelity, found out by text. Sad

There's some amazing support on here, which got me through those dark days, but H, despite my hurt has continued his textual affair.

Gutted.

OP posts:
gettingeasier · 15/10/2010 17:53

I do remember you but not your exact thread and I cant get it under search.

sand do put a link onto it if you can. Are you still with your H ? I am thinking yes or texting wouldnt be a problem ?

Theres so much of this but it doesnt make it any less painful when its happening to you Sad

GypsyMoth · 15/10/2010 17:55

i dont remember it either

bisybackson · 15/10/2010 17:55

I am so sorry Sad

Do you know, I am reasonably new to MN and sice getting here I have been horrified by the number of shit men out there. (Led a very sheltered life, me)

But I am also amazed by the number of supportive people and the number of women who have come through experiences like yours and are out there happy, strong and independent. And I am sure that, in time, you will be one of those happy, strong people.

Just right now though it's shit.

I have to pop out for a bit to take the DCs swimming but will look in later to see how you are. Keep your chin up (how British) and have a glass of wine!

Triphid · 15/10/2010 18:28

sandsad I've thought about you since your thread. I'm so sorry to hear that things have nosedived.

sandsad · 15/10/2010 18:57

Thank you. I had to pull the original. Bit too much info IYKWIM.

MN is an amazing place.

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 15/10/2010 19:00

Oh SandSad I'm so sorry. Is this the same woman as last time?

It explains a lot doesn't it?

I do hope you will now suspend this waiting period and take decisive action, because really, this man is never going to be monogamous or even partially truthful. As we said on your previous thread, he's also clearly got some very fucked-up attitudes about women.

Pour it all out and we will help in any way we can.

gettingeasier · 15/10/2010 19:01

Ah that explains it.

As you've started a new thread do you want to talk ? Might help ?

sandsad · 15/10/2010 19:07

Thanks, he tells me it is one of the women he met when he was away. On his stag do.

Trouble is he was away for a few weeks and got back today. He isn't going to tell me it was the one in the same City as where he was, is he?

I don't believe him anyway. What's the point?

Yes, the waiting period has been suspended. I decided I would give it another go, despite his horrid actions. I do (did) believe he is better than that.

I decided to stay because of the children. We'd go to counselling together, create a level playing field, and in the New Year, new start, we'd really try to work at it. Because up to lunch time today I still believed we had a chance. Staying because of the children isn't the best place to be, but its a start. The heartbreak he caused telling them we were going to spend some time apart was devestating. My son begged us to just try harder.

OP posts:
sandsad · 15/10/2010 19:10

Bloody hell, he sounds like he's got a girl in every port.

In short, 3 inappropriate texting scenarios, one of which was an infidelity.

He continues to do it.

It's a no-brainer, as they say.

OP posts:
gettingeasier · 15/10/2010 19:25

Sand Sad.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 15/10/2010 20:02

I don't believe him either. This could be the more recent woman, or even someone new for all we know. Did you see the number texted and did it cross-match with any of the others and did you see text content?

So what's next SandSad? What have you told him you are going to do?

mathanxiety · 15/10/2010 20:48

I remember your thread, SandS, and this is horrible news. Sad and Angry for you, because you have such integrity and generosity of spirit. He doesn't deserve you at all.

Is he even living on this planet? Seems so completely oblivious...

bisybackson · 15/10/2010 22:06

Oh bloody hell. I think math is right - he does not deserve you. WWIFN is much better placed than me to help you but I will be thinking of you and wishing you strength.

sandsad · 16/10/2010 09:18

Oh Math you made me cry there!
Probably shouldn't have drunk so much last night, or sent her photos of the children Blush
have told him I'm going to the solicitors on Monday.

OP posts:
gettingeasier · 16/10/2010 13:09

OK Sandsad ? How are you feeling now ?

sandsad · 16/10/2010 15:12

Thank you for all of your kind words.
I've pretty much begged her to tell me what the truth is, via text, but no reply.
I just want to know and I can't believe anything he says.
I had it all clear in my head and had moved on to coming to terms with his behaviour and giving him another chance. Now I'm back in that crappy place.

I just want the truth.

OP posts:
AutumnLady · 16/10/2010 15:27

Hi Sand I didn't see your other thread but sorry you're in a crappy situation. I have no words of wisdom other than to discuss your options with a solicitor. My exh cheated when I was 7 mths pg with someone who was a friend of both of us. I tried to be 'grown up' and offered to go to Relate but he declined. Short story is that I asked him to make a choice and he ummed and ahhed but eventually I found out he was still with her so I filed for divorce when DS was 2 months old. You will get nothing from texting the OW so don't stress yourself doing it. You won't get the truth from either of them IMHO, so again, don't stress about it. There are many unanswered questions from my exh but I have settled myself now that I will never know (and don't much care anymore). DS is nearly 2 and we are settled in our new home with friends and my parents nearby. It's tough and upsetting but you know you are worth more than this. It will get easier - promise. Take care xx

AutumnLady · 16/10/2010 15:27

Hi Sand I didn't see your other thread but sorry you're in a crappy situation. I have no words of wisdom other than to discuss your options with a solicitor. My exh cheated when I was 7 mths pg with someone who was a friend of both of us. I tried to be 'grown up' and offered to go to Relate but he declined. Short story is that I asked him to make a choice and he ummed and ahhed but eventually I found out he was still with her so I filed for divorce when DS was 2 months old. You will get nothing from texting the OW so don't stress yourself doing it. You won't get the truth from either of them IMHO, so again, don't stress about it. There are many unanswered questions from my exh but I have settled myself now that I will never know (and don't much care anymore). DS is nearly 2 and we are settled in our new home with friends and my parents nearby. It's tough and upsetting but you know you are worth more than this. It will get easier - promise. Take care xx

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 16/10/2010 15:28

I understand your need to know the truth sandsad, but really, how will this change things? He's been secretly texting an OW, and according to him, this is the woman before the one he was sexually unfaithful with. Isn't it more likely that he has been sexually unfaithful with all of these women? The story he weaved about the most recent woman was such a ludicrous tale and like I always say (and did on your original thread IIRC) the lies that people tell often show them in a worse light than the truth.

I cannot imagine what this woman could say that would alter the position, but if you really feel you must hear it, bear in mind these points:

There is a relationship going on with your H and it is in her interests to corroborate whatever story he is telling you.

Texting her is not the appropriate means of communication. Phoning her from a withheld number will be more effective, although I suspect she will know it is you after the texts and will ignore your call.

It is obvious that she knows he is married with children. You will need to get into her mindset and work out how she is justifying her behaviour to herself. What script is she following? Talking to you will force her out of any ridiculous justifications she is giving for her behaviour - and she won't want to do that.

I imagine that you are trying to appeal to her sisterhood/humanitarian instincts, but if she had these in any measure, she wouldn't be doing this. She has probably had to demonise you to let herself off the hook for doing this. If she is not a parent herself, she will not be moved by the effect all this will have on the DCs.

Ultimately though, I don't see how this changes the end story. I want this to be your watershed moment, because if he is doing this with yet another woman when he was meant to be fighting for your marriage, what does that tell you?

overmydeadbody · 16/10/2010 15:35

SandsadI am so sorry for you.

WhenWillIFeelNormal speaks a lot of sense though.

You do not need to contact the OW, you do not need to know all the gory details, you already know enough to know your DH is unfaithful.

I think you need to concentrate on moving on now, get the ball roling for divorce, he's not going to change and you or him or the OW cannot take back what has already happened, it won't make the pain you are feeling go away even if OW does contact you.

Ultimately it's your H who is in thw wrong here, as horrible as it is for you, with strength and support you can get through this into a newer better life.

spidookly · 16/10/2010 16:36

Hi Sand

I'm sorry this is still going on.

And by that I mean I'm sorry your marriage is still going on as it was when you last posted, because it was clear then that he had no intention of ceasing his infidelities but it seemed possible you would decide to stop putting up with it.

It must hurt dreadfully to have thought you could move past it and then to be back where you are again, but hopefully this time the mist will clear from your eyes because you seemed to believe the last time that you could change the reality of your situation through sheer force of will.

The man you are married to is a philanderer. The only mistake he has made is getting caught. He tried to blame the last episode on you because you had found out about it.

I hope you meant it about going to the solicitors. You can't live like this. As strong and wonderful as you are you can't magically turn this man into the kind of husband you want and deserve.

Sandsad · 16/10/2010 18:51

According to H she has grown up children and grandchildren. Which I suspect is a lie. Grannies aren't generally referred to as 'sexy little minx'.

I called her about 150 times last night from 2am to 3 am. I had no idea until I looked at his phone (I did it from his) just now. Not really much of a chance of hearing from her after that!

No, it doesn't matter, I just want to know so I don't feel like such a mug.

I told my sister this morning, and I got drunk with a new friend whom I met since moving, which was a huge help. The getting drunk wasn't a good idea, but hey.

OP posts:
gettingeasier · 16/10/2010 19:02

My xh ow is a granny shes late forties

Sand I should be the last person to say this but if you rang as described I am guessing you were drunk . Do yourself a favour and ease off because you dont want to do something you regret the next day and I know my emotions are shredded by hangovers .