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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My mother's not talking to me. Advice please.

36 replies

FoundWanting · 15/10/2010 11:54

Let me give you the (brief) back-story.

At the beginning of the summer holidays, I asked my Mum if she would baby-sit one evening so that DH and I could go out. She said she didn't have her diary on her but would have a look and let me know when she was free.

Heard nothing although we texted/spoke about other things. I didn't push it because I know she's not keen on driving home late and anyway if she doesn't want to look after DCs, then I don't want her to.

Then I get this text: "Stuck at X's (DSis) again. Girls bored. Can you come over?" Turns out that she's been baby-sitting for DSis' children 2 days a week through the holidays, 8:30am to 5pm. The 40 minute drive obviously isn't an issue there.Hmm

I was annoyed (and hurt) by the implication that although she can't be arsed to do something for me, I was expected to go and entertain her and DNeices. Whether I was right or wrong to feel like this is debatable, but I was a bit peeved, and sent a "Sorry, too busy" reply.

A week later, Mum popped in for a coffee and said she had a thing to go to and would I go with her because "You never go out." I told her that I never go out because we have trouble finding baby-sitters, and that I was hurt that she didn't want to help us out.

Mum then told me that I was pathetic for letting myself get upset. To which I replied that I hadn't let myself get upset, she had upset me. Mum then grabbed her bag and slammed out of the house without a word.

Since then I have sent her one text with some information she had asked for to which I received a curt "Thanks" and nothing else. My eldest and youngest sons both started at new schools in September and she has not asked how they are getting on.

I don't really know what I want to hear. Should I get in touch with her? Can anyone help me understand why she's being like this?

OP posts:
Original poster
FoundWanting · 15/10/2010 12:45

No-one? Not really a problem?

Should I just get on with life then?

Thing is, she's the only person I know who watches Strictly and I feel the need for a chat about how the slebs are getting on, but I really think it is up to her to make a move because she had the teenage strop.

OP posts:
Thingumy · 15/10/2010 12:54

Call her and take it from there

Original poster
FoundWanting · 15/10/2010 12:56

Yeah, I suppose. She's not going to acknowledge that perhaps I have a point, is she?

Thanks for replying, Thingumy.

OP posts:
snowmummy · 15/10/2010 12:59

I'd feel exactly the same as you in those circumstances and I don't think you did anything wrong at all. She's helping out Dsis but doesn't want to help you out at all and she expects you to drop everything and help her out when she asks. Good for you for telling her how you feel.

Whether you get in touch or not is a tricky one. How is your relationship with her in general?

Thingumy · 15/10/2010 13:00

No point speculating what may happen,if you call and she is frosty or rude,you can then ask her what her problem is.She sounds very childish.

I've only seen my mother once since February and that was at a funeral.Sad as it is,my life is stress free when my mother isn't speaking to me.

proudnscary · 15/10/2010 13:03

Hi Foundwanting - I really understand your upset and pain over this. In my opinion, your mother has ran roughshod over your feelings and is not being fair.
It is possible there is a reason she doesn't want to babysit your dc, to be blunt. It might be to do with you or to do with your dc's behaviour. You need to be ready to hear that.
Of course grandparents do not HAVE to help out or babysit. But when she is helping your (sorry is it step sister, I don't know what you mean?)...that is hurtful.
And to storm out. Very unhelpful.
I would ask her if she wants to meet up to talk. Then I would really really try not to be aggressive or take over the conversation but listen to her point of view and then put yours calmly and fairly.

How do you and your mum get on and communicate in general? I think the answer to this will be the key to this situation.

Pinkjenny · 15/10/2010 13:07

I agree with proudnscary. I generally have a very good relationship with my mum, but she is the most defensive person I have ever met. I could never suggest us meeting up and talking about our disagreements, we prefer to sweep them under the carpet and just move on.

I hope there won't be a giant explosion one day from either of us. Could be messy.

What happens with us is that we usually start texting very short, curt, nonsensical things, that just open the lines of communication. That usually gets things going.

Elsaz · 15/10/2010 13:08

Nope, she is not going to acknowledge that you have a point. Sad You have to decide how you want to live with that.

When I was younger, I went through a lot of anguish because of my mother's behaviour towards me. In the end, I decided that she is never going to be the mother (and now grandmother) I want her to be. As many people say on these boards, you can't change someone else's behaviour, but you can change how you respond to the behaviour.

Yes of course call her. See what happens. She is being childish for not speaking to you, but you can't make her say what you want to hear.

ToniSoprano · 15/10/2010 13:12

In our family, my brothers and I consider it a bonus and a nice bit of time off whenever our mother stops talking to us! Enjoy...

Seriously though, it sounds like you miss her so why not send her a strictly-related text to kick things off.

ChasingSquirrels · 15/10/2010 13:15

well - there is two of you in this relationship. And it takes one of you to make the first move. If you want to. Is there a history of problems or is this a one off?

proudnscary · 15/10/2010 13:22

PinkJenny, you don't need me to tell you your 'communication' with your mum is not very healthy and that you will indeed hit a brick wall one day, then KAPOWWW! I really sympathise though. My relationship with my mum is very tricky and can still be a source of great pain to me even though I'm an old bird of 40!

NB I text a lot too but keep it to arrangements or silly commments because if we're all honest it's a pretty childish, soulless, ineffectual, cowardly way of 'communicating'.

thatsnotmyfruitshoot · 15/10/2010 13:24

I understand your frustration. Do you have a good relationship with your sister? Are you able to discuss it with her at all?

The way I see it, you have three options - 1. to continue to ignore her - not great, as it sounds as though she is one for holding a grudge.

  1. To contact her on a pretext and then sweep it all under the carpet.
  2. To contact her and ask to meet for a coffee and a chat, and get it all in the open.

I think it depends on what kind of person she is generally, and the back story here. If she's narcissistic or toxic in any way, it might be better for you to have little contact. I'm afraid then you'll need to remove any need to rely on her for babysitting. Find a local teenager or start a babysitting circle instead, otherwise I think you're setting yourself up to be disappointed.

Really sad, I know. There is a fairly similar situation in my family and the inequality drives me nuts.

Pinkjenny · 15/10/2010 13:24

proudnscary - I completely agree

Original poster
FoundWanting · 15/10/2010 13:32

Thanks for all the replies.

I don't think she has any problems with my DCs, they are very well-behaved with her because they are not ever so familiar with her ways. The most she has said is that she doesn't know what to talk to DS1 about (he's 11).

Like pinkjenny, we tend to avoid confrontation. I don't have an issue with her helping Sis - she works full-time and her youngest is only 5 months. My problem is hearing what a chore it is, how ungrateful Sis is etc. etc. Last time Mum did have mine, we bought her a nice bottle of wine as a thank you, and she said that Sis takes it for granted. But that is between them.

I suppose I will have to get in touch, but if she tries to make things my fault I think I'll lose it and I don't want a row. In a way it has been quite relaxing not hearing all her moans and groans. I think she has been using me as a sounding-board for so long that she has forgotten I have feelings of my own.

OP posts:
Original poster
FoundWanting · 15/10/2010 13:39

thatsnotmyfruitshoot Is she narcissistic or toxic?

One brother has as his ring-tone for her 'It's All About You'; one sister has 'Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead'.

Does that help?

OP posts:
thatsnotmyfruitshoot · 15/10/2010 13:56

Grin sounds like you should enjoy the peace and quiet then!

Original poster
FoundWanting · 15/10/2010 14:13

Ok. I'm going to send her a text. Fingers crossed.

OP posts:
Original poster
FoundWanting · 15/10/2010 14:15

Oh God. Now I've got to wait for her reply.

I'm 42, she shouldn't be able to wind me up like this.

OP posts:
Thingumy · 15/10/2010 14:16

why don't you call her?

Pinkjenny · 15/10/2010 14:19

Now I have to go into a meeting where I will spend the entire time wondering whether she has replied to you!

JustDoMyLippyThenWeWillGo · 15/10/2010 14:20

Can't really help, but am also old bird, and my mum refuses to text,"because it's too difficult", so actually have to speak to her when, as now, she and dad have been vile (although also under-the carpet-sweepers). These parents very stressful! Good luck with yours

Original poster
FoundWanting · 15/10/2010 14:25

Thingumy Don't want to call her because she turns everything round to make things everyone else's fault, doesn't listen and will hang up if she doesn't like what she hears.

Plus, I really think she should have phoned to ask how the boys have settled in at school. (We had to pull DS2 out of school last spring because he was so unhappy, it's not just about him moving up from infants to juniors or whatever.)

OP posts:
Original poster
FoundWanting · 15/10/2010 14:30

I just got a load of guff about Goldie being kicked out.

Obviously we are not going to address the issues at hand.Hmm

Oh well, I tried. Made the first move. I'll let her get on with it now.

Thanks for listening/reading.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2010 14:30

Your Mum sounds like she wanted her own way and when she did not get what she wanted she's had a strop. Its a control type behaviour.

My guess is she's always been difficult like this as well with all her relations.

You may actually want to read "When you and your Mother cannot be friends" written by Rebecca Secunda.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2010 14:31

Also such people never ever take any responsibility for their actions and are more than adept at blaming others for their own shortcomings. She may well be what is classed as a "toxic parent"; she certainly comes across to me as a difficult type of person to deal with.