My mother's not talking to me. Advice please.

[FoundWanting]

Let me give you the (brief) back-story.

At the beginning of the summer holidays, I asked my Mum if she would baby-sit one evening so that DH and I could go out. She said she didn't have her diary on her but would have a look and let me know when she was free.

Heard nothing although we texted/spoke about other things. I didn't push it because I know she's not keen on driving home late and anyway if she doesn't want to look after DCs, then I don't want her to.

Then I get this text: "Stuck at X's (DSis) again. Girls bored. Can you come over?" Turns out that she's been baby-sitting for DSis' children 2 days a week through the holidays, 8:30am to 5pm. The 40 minute drive obviously isn't an issue there.

I was annoyed (and hurt) by the implication that although she can't be arsed to do something for me, I was expected to go and entertain her and DNeices. Whether I was right or wrong to feel like this is debatable, but I was a bit peeved, and sent a "Sorry, too busy" reply.

A week later, Mum popped in for a coffee and said she had a thing to go to and would I go with her because "You never go out." I told her that I never go out because we have trouble finding baby-sitters, and that I was hurt that she didn't want to help us out.

Mum then told me that I was pathetic for letting myself get upset. To which I replied that I hadn't let myself get upset, she had upset me. Mum then grabbed her bag and slammed out of the house without a word.

Since then I have sent her one text with some information she had asked for to which I received a curt "Thanks" and nothing else. My eldest and youngest sons both started at new schools in September and she has not asked how they are getting on.

I don't really know what I want to hear. Should I get in touch with her? Can anyone help me understand why she's being like this?

"I was annoyed (and hurt) by the implication that although she can't be arsed to do something for me, I was expected to go and entertain her and DNeices... I was hurt that she didn't want to help us out."

You've every right to feel hurt, I would too, but your mother is quite within her rights to pick and choose which favours she grants. You can ask her to come over to yours, she doesn't have to. Whether she's allowed to go and sit at your sister's shouldn't influence the anger you feel. So, YANBU to feel hurt by this - but are BU over the expectation that your mum will treat your DCs/home in just the same way. People are complex, don't expect consistency from them - there might be a million reasons why she says yes or no to your favour request.

The most obvious one has already been discussed (your kids being too much to handle or something) but it might be something more innocent than that (maybe your sister seems like she needs your mum's help more)... i don't want to dismiss your feelings, because they are valid, i'm just asking you to remember that YOUR idea of your mother's obligations isn't neccesarily the right one here..

"To which I replied that I hadn't let myself get upset, she had upset me."

This sounds petty and immature (we can all be like this during an argument, I'm no angel myself) - and i don't want to come across as all zen-like on you, but you need to chill from these types of exchanges - this sort of chat doesn't help anyone - it doesn't resolve the underlying problem (that you feel hurt she didn't want to come over to yours, that you felt angry she expected you to go and entertain her instead) and only put her on the defensive. It wasn't constructive.

Maybe a good idea if you wrote a letter? You could explain how the children are getting on at school and how much she's missing out.

Then leave the ball in her court.

Atilla She certainly can be difficult. She is not at all content in her own life and hasn't been for quite a while. This comes out in her constant criticism of everything and everyone around her.

For a long time our relationship has been based on quite a superficial level, which suits us both. I asked her to baby-sit because she had been going on at me about never going out. But of course, she didn't want me to go out without her!

frgr How interesting that you picked up on that line. The 'you are pathetic for letting yourself get upset' is a classic mum comment. See, not her fault! 99 times out of 100 I let this slide, but this time she really had upset me. She could have just said that she didn't want to baby-sit for me.

Her discontent though is nothing to do with you and is not your issue to carry; you did not make her that way. She is actively choosing to behave as she does, she is choosing not to fully address why she is so unhappy in her life.

I would read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward as that may help you further.

I see, I didn't mean to come across as being nit picking about that line - it definitely sounds like there's loads of history there and I definitely thing you were provoked. Maybe i worded my reply wrong, but I was sort of thinking that, even if she does provoke you, it's still YOU that's letting yourself get upset, and retaliation makes things worse. Easier said than done I know :)

frgr I didn't take it as nit-picking. I'm so used to everything being switched round by my mother, I think I just decided to call her on it that day.

Thanks for the book reccommendation Attila although I'll probably ignore it for fear of having my suspicions confirmed. I've got used to the way our relationship has panned out. As long as she's not challenged, everything is fine.

Hi FoundWanting,

Re your comment:-

"Thanks for the book reccommendation Attila although I'll probably ignore it for fear of having my suspicions confirmed. I've got used to the way our relationship has panned out. As long as she's not challenged, everything is fine".

I would still advise you to read the book anyway; these types of problems do keep rearing their ugly head with the result that you end up feeling worse over time. Those suspicions you have need addressing. The book goes into how and why toxic parents operate as they do.

Attila you seem to be clued up on this subject. Can I ask at what point is a parent classed as toxic? My own relationship with my mother is not great but I'm not sure toxic is a fair description of her. I know I want to be nothing like her with my own DD's though and I'm just wondering whether its worth my ordering the books you recommend.

Sorry for the thread hijack - perhaps I should start another - I've been thinking about it for a while.

Snowmummy I too have ishoos with my mum although I don't think she's toxic, we're just opposites on the personality front. I am about to have a dd in the next couple of weeks after three boys and am actually really worried about the whole mother daughter thing and don't ever want to make my daughter feel the way my mum makes me feel about myself (basically, she makes me feel like a bad person, although I know I'm not). Ooh sorry, that's a bit me me me. Anyhoo, is it worth reading these things so you don't end up as a toxic parent yourself?

She sounds quite childish and unreasonable but I would swallow your pride and start to build bridges if that's what you want. She sounds manipulative and you are left feeling like the guilty party when in fact she is to blame.

Good point snowmummy and ILoveGregoryHouse. I have a DD and I hope I don't fall in to the same behaviour patterns as my mum.

Had a good chat with DH this evening and have decided that after two attempts to re-open the lines of communication, the ball is in her court now. We'll wait and see. As he pointed out, she doesn't really bring anything positive to our family, but she is still my mother.

I feel better for getting it out, so thank you. And I hope those of you with tricky mother-daughter relationships find a way to cope.