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Original poster

This is weird, isn't it? Or is it normal?!

35 replies

notruddylikely · 14/10/2010 16:33

Name changed I'm afraid, but just need to know whether this situation is odd.

I once got involved with someone from work, it didn't work out when something better came along, dealt with it, moved on, still felt a bit of something but deep down, knew he was a bit of a knobber (and suspect has narc 'qualities'). Sometimes saw him but not too frequently. They broke up and like a nobber, I kept him occupied for a bit if you see what I mean, but then he decided to end it with me and they got back together. I told him that I didn't want to see him or hear from him again - at least on a personal basis - I suspect our paths may cross again professionally, but I can deal with that.

All has been quiet - I have literally only seen him once, and I did say hello, not because I wanted to, but I didn't want to be accused of being unreasonable at work. He has been keeping his distance and I'm not sure if this is because of me (I actually feel bad that he thinks he can't come to the building, though to be honest, he's never had any regard for my wishes before). So I'm getting on with my life and he with his.

Yet last night, I received an email from his girlfriend asking if I would meet her for a drink and a chat. Now, I can't imagine she wants to compare notes, and he and I were never involved while they were together. Is this odd?

I have not responded.

OP posts:
KnitterNotTwitter · 14/10/2010 16:37

Tis a bit weird... I'd send back a carefully worded email to check everything out. And if you do meet up be careful because she may quote you back at him...

VinegaRigamorTits · 14/10/2010 16:39

Yes its odd, my guess is she suspects him of doing the dirty on her, and wants to know if he did it to you too

Original poster
notruddylikely · 14/10/2010 16:40

In my head I thought shall I email 'what would you like to discuss?'

It's obvious there's only one thing on the agenda! I can't really see what it would achieve. I just want to move on from the sorry situation.

OP posts:
PotPourri · 14/10/2010 16:40

I'd steer well clear. Just ignore her.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 14/10/2010 16:40

Was he abusive? (Emotionally/verbally, not necessarily physically) Maybe she's starting to notice things, and wants to see if you did too?

Taghain · 14/10/2010 16:43

Be a sister, go along.
At the worst you may have a screaming match, at the best you may make a friend.
She may need your help in dealing with him if he's being a tossbag to her too. Or she may ask you for suggestions for his Xmas present.
:)

Original poster
notruddylikely · 14/10/2010 16:44

Oh and the other thing is, he must know she has messaged me for her to have my contact details.

From previous conversations with him, I get the impression that he pretty much wants to have us arguing over him so maybe its that. It's not a conversation I care to participate in.

Or she could be wanting words about the fact that he is working from home a lot and that not being fair, but surely he could speak with me about that? When I told him not to contact me, I can't see how he would think I would be any more willing to talk with her.

OP posts:
overmydeadbody · 14/10/2010 16:45

Well I would probably email back asking what she wanted to meet up about. Do you know her anyway? I would not bother wasting my time meeting up with her, you don't need to and it won't enhance your life. I value my time though.

Yeah it's wierd.

overmydeadbody · 14/10/2010 16:46

Their problams are nothing to do with you. Politely decline. There is absolutely no good reason why you and she should meet.

And you need to get over him.

overmydeadbody · 14/10/2010 16:47

Why is it your problam if he's working from home a lot?

SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass · 14/10/2010 16:49

Do you know her? If not, ignore her. She's not your problem. If you do, and like her, then it might be nice to go along, though if she starts being aggressive, just get up and walk out.
Bear in mind that you have done nothing wrong. You had a fling or two with this man when he was single, and it didn't work out so you cut contact (apart from any necessarily professional contact).
As to this stuff about him working from home, are you senior to him workwise so thatyou have been able to order him to work from home more? IF so, then that would be unreasonable of you, but I don't get that impression from your posts.
TBH if it were me in this situation I would want to go simply because I am incredibly nosy and would want to know why she had contacted me.

Original poster
notruddylikely · 14/10/2010 16:51

He is emotionally abusive, yes Oldlady. He told me when they were together that he used to nag her to dress a certain way and that she didn't like it (it happens to be how I dress). I know that's his side of the story, but I've been subject to criticism of my appearance, so can't imagine what she's been subjected to.

I know I have been a bit of a thorn in her side really - because I was the Ex, at work, he's tried it on with me while they were together (which I refused his advances) and I wonder if he winds her up by telling her how I have felt about him in the past (as he used to me about one of his exes). While they were together, he wasn't allowed to socialise with me - which I understood and which suited me.

Taghain, he does have a big birthday imminent. He once asked me if I'd have a threesome with them. I politely declined. I doubt it is that though!

OP posts:
Original poster
notruddylikely · 14/10/2010 17:02

I do not know her. I have met her very briefly on two occasions, but we've never exchanged more than an awkward 'hello'. So, yes, quite why I would go for a cosy little chat with her - frankly, there are people who aren't my exes' girlfriend that I'd rather spend my time with.

Overmydeadbody, I am getting there regards the getting over him - behaviour like this is a good reminder that he's not right.

Regarding him working from home, the only reason I feel bad is that I don't want to do anything that would jeopardise his career - partly because I'm Too Nice (why should I care) and partly because I don't want the narc twat to blame me. I only said stay away from me - what I meant by that was don't phone me, don't knock on my office door. I have not ordered him to work from home and am not senior to him.

And yes solid, there is a bit of me that is curious and wants to go. But most of me is thinking I'd rather pick my toenails.

OP posts:
proudnscary · 14/10/2010 17:08

I wouldn't meet her. She (or he) wants to drag you into a quagmire of their own relationshop issues. Why the feck should you get involved?

At the very most, I would ask her politely what it's about and go from thre.

MidnightsChild · 14/10/2010 17:10

Erm ... I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss thoughts about the threesome. By which I mean that she could well be about to make that suggestion ... equally, she may not, but best to be prepared eh?

It may not be her thing, but if he's got a big birthday coming up, he could have persuaded her that this is the only thing he wants and how much he would love her for arranging it. You've said he's a knobber after all ...

Original poster
notruddylikely · 14/10/2010 17:15

No one in their right mind would do that would they MidnightsChild???

I mean a threesome is one thing, but one which brings a hated ex (me) into the scenario???!! But yes, he is a knobber and is a bit fixated on women wanting him.

I'm still inclined to ignore the email at the moment, and at the most ask what she wants, but I don't even feel inclined to do that.

OP posts:
MidnightsChild · 14/10/2010 17:55

Sorry notruddy, think I must know some very odd people 'cos that just jumped out of the thread at me Hmm

Hopefully that won't be it ...

I have to admit my nosiness might make me turn up, but I think the best decision is to do as you are planning.

SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass · 14/10/2010 22:09

OH, just ignore. Like I said, I am nosy so I would want to go but I would know it would be a bad idea. It sounds as though this man is a horrible piece of work you are best off without, and she is simply not your problem.

And it could well be the threesome, which I would definitely advise against (much as I like threesomes this one has 'Toxic fuckup situation' written all over it).

Original poster
notruddylikely · 15/10/2010 16:35

Cheers all.

Solid, would definitely avoid a party of that nature with those two particular people! Would not have any one to one sexy time with him, let alone be the third party! Plus, is bad enough seeing him at work knowing he has seen me naked and some of the things we have done...that little scenario would send me over the edge!

OP posts:
Antalya1 · 15/10/2010 18:13

hmmm...why would an ex provide a new GF with an exes contact details?? That in itself is a little suspicious (unless she has found them out in another way)...you sound like a together, strong women, do you suspect that she's in trouble and asking for this chat so that she can compare notes and get some advice on how you dealt with things?

Although I'm bloody nosey to and would be severely tempted to go along....there is a danger that you could get caught up in any cross-fire that results from this and if you are connected in anyway work-wise then that could also cause a whole other post of problems as you never know if you will be falsely quoted, quoted out of context etc. and you really wouldn't want to get into that whole "he said - she said" scenario. However if everything is by e-mail then that may give a little more control on your part. You could perhaps say that you're going to have problems meeting up but ask her to put it an e-mail???

ItsGhoulAgain · 15/10/2010 18:31

I think I would email her back. If someone begins to suspect their partner is a bit off (abusive), I often recommend contacting the ex if possible. There could be other reasons, as mentioned above but, as you know he is a bit of a wanker, I'd want to find out if she was looking for help/validation/etc.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 15/10/2010 22:30

I asked about emotional abuse because I had a (male) friend who was fine with me (because I have DH, so he was not sexually interested in me) but who turned into an utter horror when he dated my friend for a short time (and worse after he dumped her.) He always painted his exes in a very bad light. I'm wondering if this chap is telling the current DP that his ex (the OP) is nuts, psycho bitch etc, and she wants to see for herself? (Because she's wondering if it's him, or if it's her that's always at fault, really...)

I'd be inclined to reply to the email asking what she wants to talk about, but then I'm nosey. Blush

How do you feel yourself about your ex, notruddylikely? I mean, does/might he still have some "hold" over you? (emotionally, I mean, not blackmail!)

Original poster
notruddylikely · 16/10/2010 09:47

thanks Antayla, I definitely don't want to get caught up in thia cross fire (might be late in the day for that, but hey ho...).

I strongly suspect you are right oldlady -I'm sure that I am on the one hand being painted as the villain in all this, but on the other hand, used as leverage to keep her on her toes - e.g. he will tell her that I'm in love with him.

I know this sounds really heartless, but I really couldn't give a toss if she needs help/validation (I don't think that's it at all though). It is not my problem - it has been very difficult trying to cut myself off, I can't help anyone else.

And in response to your last question oldlady, I suppose he does have some emotional hold over me...I had been getting better and thought I was getting past it, but the fact that this email has bothered me, that he hasn't contacted me himself but has managed to get in my head, the very fact that I have started this thread suggests he still has some power over me. Not good. If I'd truly got over this, surely I'd have deleted the email without a second thought. I'm cross with myself.

OP posts:
EleanorHauntedHandbasket · 16/10/2010 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 16/10/2010 12:38

I don't think it's heartless; you still have to protect yourself, and that takes priority. Delete the email now, and dismiss it (and them) from your thoughts.

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