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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Clueless - my first proper date in 5 years: If he was into me he would have called by now right?

30 replies

Nogoodatthis · 14/10/2010 16:02

Have name changed for this because I am being such an out of character nutter and I'm actually embarrassed to be so uncool.

So met a man last week (in real life, not internet dating), he asked me out, we went out, had a great night, lovely lingering kiss at the end, both said we really wanted to see each other again, finding a day when we were both next free might be tricky but we'd work something out, got very complimentary text from him later that night once I'd got home (to which I replied in kind), but haven't heard anything since.

It's only been a couple of days. Am I just freaking out because I haven't done this in ages? Or, if he really liked me, wouldn't he have been back in touch by now to set the next date up?

He's def. not married or attached or a crackhead or anything.

How long would you wait to hear back from someone before you think 'ok, they're not interested' and write it off?

OP posts:

Hulla · 14/10/2010 17:08

He could just be doing that thing that some people do, you know, wait an "appropriate" amount of time before getting in touch (about 3 days in my limited experience).

I know what you mean, it is the worst feeling not knowing. I'd rather know where I stood.

You need a distraction. Can you go out with friends?

Original poster

Nogoodatthis · 14/10/2010 17:38

Yep, it sucks. To have that big high and then the anticlimax afterwards is rubbish.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nogoodatthis · 14/10/2010 17:40

Oops, meant to say also that yes have lots of friends I can see, am going to be busy doing stuff all weekend so should be able to distract myself. I guess I'm just kind of surprised at how little confidence I have in myself. My ex did a right number on me and maybe I thought I'd moved on more than I actually have iyswim.

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pippop1 · 14/10/2010 18:09

Wait a few more days. If you can't bear it any longer then text him and just ask how he is. He might, for example, have a cold or have a problem with his phone.

bigfootbeliever · 14/10/2010 18:17

I wouldn't contact him - if you were the last to text (after your date), then the next move needs to come from him.

Good luck.

kallima · 14/10/2010 18:36

I am back in the dating game... I made a decision for myself that I wouldn't text a man unless he texted me first, which really helps me feel in control of myself. And I've also found that it can take men over a week to get back in contact - yet doesn't seem to always mean they are't keen?

I guess the thing to do is to try and keep your mind off it as much as you can, keep busy.

picmaestress · 14/10/2010 18:58

blokes often take a week or two to get in touch...you have to bear with it

frenchfancy · 14/10/2010 19:07

i would text him. Why in this day and age do we always expect the man to make the next move. Say you are busy at the weekend but would really love to find time to meet up. Then you have put the ball firmly in his court.

Actually I hate texts for this type of thing, my phone is forever left in the car, or has run out of battery, so I often get text messages 3 days late.

bigfootbeliever · 14/10/2010 19:17

frenchfancy its a long time since I dated - but don't men get put off when they think a woman is "chasing" them?

I know it's old fashioned to expect a man to make the moves, but in my past, I always found they ran a mile if I showed I was really keen.

The DH (when we had just started dating) told me he was going to be really busy for a week or two and couldn't see me. I thought "OK - that's that!" and didnt call / text him.

After 3 days he was ringing me constantly and proclaiming undying love.

Original poster

Nogoodatthis · 14/10/2010 20:20

I've been very good, I haven't text or called him or anything. On the one hand I'm thinking 'sod it, I can text him if I feel like it, it's the 21st century', and on the other I'm thinking that he said he wanted to see me again and he said he'd get in touch when he knew when he'd be free, so I should give him the chance to do what he said he was going to do before I jump the gun and come across as pushy.

That's it. I'm not calling or texting.

Man, I hope I get better at this. Or, that I don't have to do it any more because I meet the man of my dreams tomorrow .

OP posts:

MooMooFarm · 14/10/2010 20:27

Nogoodatthis - don't text him, sit on your hands, delete his number, anything, but don't text him!!

I know it's old fashioned, but it's still true, men still like to feel like they're chasing you, not the other way round. And anyway, a couple of days is nothing at all!

Just remember before last week you had never seen him at all, so waiting a few days before you see him again won't kill you! He will be so much keener if you leave it up to him, honestly. There's nothing wrong with him waiting a week before contacting you again - it could just mean he has a life, and friends and family he has commitments with, which is all good and means he's a good prospect and probably not a f'd up nutter!

Wait it out, be cool (or try to look that way, even if you're freaking out inside!) and it will pay off. He will either call you which means he likes you, or he won't which will mean he doesn't. Either way you'll be ok, and at the worst it's good practice!

Good luck

anothermum92 · 14/10/2010 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Nogoodatthis · 14/10/2010 20:58

Thanks ladies. I feel much better now! You're right Moo, at least he hasn't been texting me ten times a day and meeting me outside work with flowers after one date. I just need to chill out I reckon.

Lol @ me.

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mylittlemonkey · 14/10/2010 22:24

I definately agree not to text him and wait until he contacts you. If for no other reason than if you do text and he does not text back then you will be icking yourself wishing you had not text him and worrying that he will think you are being too keen.

I think it is good he is leaving it for a few days. There is nothing worse than a lapdog who texts you constantly, follows you round and hangs off your every word. I think he has played it well so far and would not be worried at all.

If he is interested (and if he did text you later than evening i would say there is a good chance he is) then he will text/ call you back to arrange another date.

Its all very exciting! Let us know when you hear from him.

Original poster

Nogoodatthis · 14/10/2010 22:52

I'm just worried that the longer it's left, the more likely he is to forget about me!

Argh. Enough. I'm going to ignore my brain and have a good weekend with my friends. Thanks for indulging my fragile ego.

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kittya · 15/10/2010 01:42

its so really hard, isnt it? The book's would say, dont text, if he's into you he will ring but I would text. I might be wrong. How long have you left it though? If its just a day or so I would text if not, leave it.

Its a minefield!! I wish we were more like the Americans and date afew at a time with no worries.

Good luck!!

AllGoodNamesGone · 15/10/2010 02:06

There is probably a men's board out there somewhere with a thread titled "She's lovely. How soon can I ask her out again without scaring her off?"

sparkuptheelectricchair2 · 15/10/2010 02:10

Terrified! Have my first date in 8 years tomorrow - yelp, today! To top it off, he's 18 years younger than me and he's going to see me in daylight with no beer goggles! Spoken on the phone for nearly an hour but am wanting to pack and run!

BTW I left it four days then teted him - was fun meetin how was his week going? Now he's all keen!

purplepeony · 15/10/2010 07:37

If he siad he'd be in touch, then let him be in touch.
If he had said to y ou "give me a call sometime" that would be different.
Don't chase. if he is keen he will act.
If you chase you will aways feel insecure, thinking whether he will contact you next time etc etc. it's a downward spiral.

stubbornhubby · 15/10/2010 10:49

oh FFS life's too short: text him.

but don't text him with 'hey it's me, have you forgotten me? please pay me soem attention? I am so sad@ why haven't you called'

text him with 'hey it's friday - do you fancy a quick drink that new wine bar tonight at 6.30'

men are not a different species:

everyone likes to be liked
everyone likes to be invited.

BrigitBigKnickers · 15/10/2010 11:07

He may well be sitting by his phone wondering why you haven't contacted him too!

Text him casually- nothing ventured nothing gained. If he ignores the text you will know where you stand.

Original poster

Nogoodatthis · 15/10/2010 11:16

Well he said he'd call me so I kind of feel like if that's what he said he'd do then he should do it.

But, yeah, maybe he's bottling it and hoping I'll get in touch? Ugh, this isn't fun, I wanted dating to be fun!

I can't see him this weekend anyway so if I haven't heard from him by Sunday I'll drop him a text and ask him whether he fancies getting together in the week. Either he can say yes, no, or ignore me all together but at least I'll know the score.

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stubbornhubby · 15/10/2010 11:24

I think you're over-complicating everything.
It's not like you're 15

it's prety simple -

if you like him invite him to do something with you.
if he likes you he'll say yes.

kallima · 15/10/2010 11:41

One bloke I metwho I thought seemed pretty keen took 6 weeks to send me a text!! So I'm glad I didn't text him first - we're meeting for drinks date tonight!

Original poster

Nogoodatthis · 15/10/2010 11:53

He text me!

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