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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can anyone link me to emotional abuse site?

47 replies

dhjghjjdfukd · 14/10/2010 01:07

I don't think DH is abusive, but I do think he leans that way, if that makes sense- humiliating me in public for minor transgressions, making the entire family walk on eggshells to avoid his temper, threatening to take the kids away from me, trying to ban me from having a job on the grounds that I don't do enough housework as it is, etc.

I remember a checklist somewhere- can anyone link me to it?

I told him tonight that I am willing to work on my problems if he is on his. Our kids are starting to talk about us arguing and Daddy being angry, which isn't good- they are all preschool.

I am getting help for my mental health problems, which he thinks are rubbsih and that I should just buck my ideas up a bit. He accepts that I used to be ill (when I was in hospital) but thinks my CPN coming out now is just indulging me.

OP posts:
Original poster
dhjghjjdfukd · 14/10/2010 01:11

I asked him to look at the checklist. He refused, but I would ike the link if he changes his mind.

OP posts:
blinks · 14/10/2010 01:12

if you feel abused by him then he's abusive... don't let him dictate to you and if you feel threatened, remove yourself and your children asap.

blinks · 14/10/2010 01:13

you can't have a healthy relationship with him.

strandedatsea · 14/10/2010 01:15

Hi - not sure about a checklist but here is a link to a friend of mine's blog who was terribly emotionally abused by her husband before she bravely got out - taking her children with her. There are lots of other sources listed on her sight which should be able to help you. verbalabuseisreal.blogspot.com/2010_03_01_archive.html

3thumbedwitch · 14/10/2010 01:22

here's one

Original poster
dhjghjjdfukd · 14/10/2010 01:24

I know you will all say to leave him, but he is lovely most of the time and does housework etc, but there is always the worry that he will flip and that other people will see how he talks to me.

OP posts:
3thumbedwitch · 14/10/2010 01:27

here's another

You need to scroll down to the end on the first link I gave you; it's a page for all abuse, not just emotional, but emotional abuse is in there too.

BertieBotts · 14/10/2010 01:28

If he is abusive, then when you show him the list he will try to turn it all back on you. He won't recognise his own behaviour. He will decide that you fill all of the categories.

He won't allow you to get a job because you don't do enough housework? :( Is he your father or your husband?? (And surely you are a grown woman, nobody should be able to "allow" you to do or not do something :() Everyone feeling as though they are walking on eggshells and him threatening to take the children away (he won't be able to do this, BTW, since you are their main carer) are both abusive behaviours as well. You can give him the label of abusive if you want to, or not, but I'm really sorry, he's not going to change, it doesn't matter how many lists you show him (the lists are more likely to make someone like this angry, in my experience)

I wouldn't try to get him to look at any checklist but it's well worth you looking at one yourself :)

www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/redflaglist.shtml

strandedatsea · 14/10/2010 01:28

how is he towards your children? The thing that finally brought my friend out of her daze and made her leave him for good (she had left him once before but he wormed his way back in) was that he was starting to be very abusive towards her 3-year-old son.

I think you sound very typical of an abused woman. "he is lovely most of the time" etc.

Have you suggested counselling to him?

Original poster
dhjghjjdfukd · 14/10/2010 01:29

One of the most intimidating things he does, and it isn't violent, is to count to ten sowly under his breath, but just loud enough for me to hear, whilst clenching his fists.

That's not right, is it?

OP posts:
3thumbedwitch · 14/10/2010 01:29

OP - if you know we will all say to leave him, then what does that tell you? And if he is lovely most of the time, why are you and the DC on eggshells the whole time??

He is NOT lovely most of the time, from what you have said in your op - but as soon as people have suggested that you are actually right, and that you are in an abusive relationship, you have reverted to making excuses for him and his behaviour.

While doing the housework is an admirable trait in any partner, it shouldn't be at the expense of love, care and respect for you and his DC!

Original poster
dhjghjjdfukd · 14/10/2010 01:31

I tell him, for example, not to slam doors, and he says he was just shutting them. How can I make him see how it is for me and the kids?

OP posts:
3thumbedwitch · 14/10/2010 01:31

it's not actually violent but it's a clear and present threat of violence!! He's showing you that he's ready to hit you but only by a supreme effort of will is he stopping himself. One day he won't.

Footlong · 14/10/2010 01:31

you can't have a healthy relationship with him.

What??? Based on this scarce information? You just declare she cant have a have a healthy relationship with him? How arrogant.....

OP - When you said you would work on his problems if he would work on his.. how did he respond? Was this during an argument or confrontation?

BertieBotts · 14/10/2010 01:31

Most abusive partners are lovely most of the time though - it wouldn't be hard to leave if they weren't :(

Original poster
dhjghjjdfukd · 14/10/2010 01:35

I introduced the idea when he seemed to be in a good mood. He immediatly stormed off to bed.

OP posts:
strandedatsea · 14/10/2010 01:40

djh (err, could you have picked a slightly easier name?)- it doesn't sound like he is going to change and you do need to think about the effect he is having on your dc's. Even if he isn't physically abusing them, mental/emotional abuse can have a horribly damaging effect on them.

Can you put a limit on things? Give him a certain amount of time to at least show willing to change/work on his problems? And in the meantime, start to plan an escape. Are you financially dependent on him?

blinks · 14/10/2010 01:40

footlong. you are a knob.

Footlong · 14/10/2010 01:41

If he is abusive, then when you show him the list he will try to turn it all back on you. He won't recognise his own behaviour. He will decide that you fill all of the categories

Isnt that a bit like telling someone they are defensive? If they deny it.. they prove it, if they dont they prove it.

Isnt there a chance people might refute it because it isnt true?

That list you linked to danger signs is horrific!

One thing and you should run away??? I am truely stunned such nonsense is available let alone linked to as a resource.

Original poster
dhjghjjdfukd · 14/10/2010 01:44

Financially and emotionally/socially dependant.

Plus, I love him. He is great. If I was childless, he would be great- fun, exciting, highly strung, artistic.

He is talking about coming along to Labour Party meetings with me and I am dreading it. He has no concept of why describing in detail how he wants the lib dems to die horribly might not be the thing to do to people we have just met. EG that decribing a long slow death from cancer isn't ok, even for Lib Dems.

OP posts:
Footlong · 14/10/2010 01:47

blinks - Name calling is so purile and the last refuge of a person with no validity to their argument.

EvilAntsAndMiasmas · 14/10/2010 01:48

He sounds like a real angry sod, OP. "Exciting, highly strung, artistic" all sound like synonym for massive pain in the arse/drama queen. Does he like to be the centre of attention? Does he have a great ongoing artistic endeavour or ambition, to which everything must play second fiddle, does he storm around a lot, possibly tossing his hair?

Is he, in fact, Ted Hughes?

Your comment about childlessness is very telling - you know that he's scaring/damaging the kids then.

Need to try counselling or make another move.

EvilAntsAndMiasmas · 14/10/2010 01:50

Footlong, it must be so tiring being the one-man Male Human Defence Squad. Why not try to helpfully respond to the OP (who replied to your question) instead of slagging off resources that help people?

Original poster
dhjghjjdfukd · 14/10/2010 01:51

I just had a click about on the womens aid website. Is it a "thing" that men might only go out with women who are disabled or vulnerable in some way? EG that they might marry a woman in a wheelchair, then marry one with mental health problems?

God, if I am outing myself, please don't say.

OP posts:
blinks · 14/10/2010 01:51

fact remains you're a knob.

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