Can anyone link me to emotional abuse site?

[dhjghjjdfukd]

I don't think DH is abusive, but I do think he leans that way, if that makes sense- humiliating me in public for minor transgressions, making the entire family walk on eggshells to avoid his temper, threatening to take the kids away from me, trying to ban me from having a job on the grounds that I don't do enough housework as it is, etc.

I remember a checklist somewhere- can anyone link me to it?

I told him tonight that I am willing to work on my problems if he is on his. Our kids are starting to talk about us arguing and Daddy being angry, which isn't good- they are all preschool.

I am getting help for my mental health problems, which he thinks are rubbsih and that I should just buck my ideas up a bit. He accepts that I used to be ill (when I was in hospital) but thinks my CPN coming out now is just indulging me.

Women's Aid is good, a good place to start. I'm afraid it's out of my sphere of knowledge but could you speak to someone there for advice?

The fact that he wouldt even discuss it when things were 'fine' is a very bad sign.

I was hoping he had agreed to work on his faults if yuo ahd worled on yours. Sorry to hear he didnt.

blinks - Grow up.

dhj - I've heard that it can be "a thing" but only through hearsay (e.g. women with disabilities who have suffered abuse speaking in person/on radio).

Certainly it seems common that abusive men pick women who have had very difficult childhoods/early traumas that have "softened them up".

Also I imagine a lot of people with disabilities have depression/low self-esteem due to pain/frustration/negative perceptions from others - and predators will always pick on those who don't like themselves much. Makes them that much easier to convince that they are worthless. Public humiliation is never ok - and this is awful: "there is always the worry that he will flip and that other people will see how he talks to me".

Why is that your worry, people finding out? Rather than him talking to you like that in the first place being your worry?

Footlong - it's not man hating - it's abuser-hating. Man, woman, or dog - if someone is making their partner and children's life a misery then they need to change or sod off.

It just sticks in my mind that apparently his ex wife (wheelchair user) felt the need to get her Dad and brother round when she told him he had to leave.

I have only heard this in the context of how unreasonable she is, but...

Footlong has there ever been an occasion where you have been a useful participant in a thread, offered welcome advice maybe?

Not even once you say?

Do fuck off then......

Don't get him to look at the checklist - it's to make YOU stronger and more aware, not him.

That's certainly a warning sign - two male relatives to help out with what should have been a non-scary (though very upsetting) occasion.

How does he humiliate you in public? that sounds grim.

TheDevilWearsPrimark - I am struggling to care less about your opinion. So I am sure you will understand when I ignore your suggestion.

Thats list that was linked states

If the person you are with does any ONE thing on this list, put on your running shoes

The list then includes inane things like 'comic book' collections. Or if had a serious relationship in the last 1.5 years.

I am all for sending this person to informed sites that list emotional abuse traits... but that one is a joke.. a very bad joke.

Actually it says any one thing on the list - put on your running shoes, 2 or more things - run away.

And it says it's a subjective list of warning signs based on personal experience, not the Holy Bible.

So, given that he wouldn't discuss it - what should the OP's next move be, Footlong?

The other lists linked to are great, OP.

Except you forgot the last one.... which basically a makes 1 also equal 2.

You read this list, and when one of these things seems to apply to your significant other, you think "Well, he/she does this, but it's different because of his/her situation"

And this is a gem as well...

He comes from a much wealthier family that is readily accepting of you

But I am glad we agree that list is not to be taken seriously. Shame it was posted as a reference to someone in need.

As for the OP I agree with the other posters who sau to got to Womens Aid, I think the fact he refuses to discuss anything even in 'good times' is a bad sign. As stated previously.

APPEAL TO EVERY SINCERE POSTER ON THIS THREAD:

PLEASE IGNORE FOOTLONG COMPLETELY. HE IS A MISOGYNIST AND A TROLL WHO HAS NO BUSINESS JOINING ANY THREAD ON ANY TOPIC TO DO WITH WOMEN AND THEIR EXPERIENCES.

I was in an abusive marriage for 27 years and on reading the OP - I instantly thought -GET OUT. Thats my opinion based on far too much experience of this sort of thing. I know that doesnt make me an expert but I do think it gives me an informed idea of what makes a bully - and so much of the OP sounds familiar - horribly so. Just because these sites and links do contain some questionable advice sometimes - which is true if you google anything to be fair - so the only thing is to use these links to get the overall picture and then decide - with any subject really.

My exh used to do all the cooking - that was his antidote to being seen as a bully. He would always insist on doing it - be quite a martyr about it really - then throw it back at me - that he had to do all the cooking because I was a lazy cow etc etc. if I ever dared to complain about his less savoury traits. As if to say how can I be this monster you're portraying me as when Ive just cooked you and the children a lovely Sunday dinner ? Bullies and control freaks always have 'good' points to barter with.

GET OUT AND STAY OUT - but thats just my opinion from my experience.

OP, under no circumstances should you share any information from any sites that are helpful to you, any lists or abusers' traits, etc., with your H.

He is sincerely not interested in changing. Do not try to make him see the error of his ways. Do not appeal to his better nature. He has none. What he is getting out of the relationship as it stands is what he wants from the relationship -- a punchbag and the thrill of making you and the children afraid of him. He is not interested in having a loving, healthy relationship with you or the children.

I agree MATHS - these kind of men are at their most dangerous when they have nothing to lose and have lost or are losing their control over you.

I learned that the hard way too, Suda.

were you on that other thread - one who was leaving as we speak sort of thing - God it brings it back - I had to come off it was a bag of nerves !!!

Was it AboardtheAxiom's thread?

No it doesnt ring any bells - but I think it had he threatened to hit me in the title or something and by the end of it she was 'doing one' and really scared about being caught in act. I was so jumpy for her had to come off it - but I think she did get away safely with her children.

Footlong - would you ever just foot off somewhere.

I'm sure you have some usefulness, but not on abuse threads.

I can see your point Footlong about some of the 'red flags' on the list being arbitrary. But from what the OP had already posted her DH meets a fair few of the serious ones already, so it's completely irrelevant that there might be a few dodgy items in place on the list.