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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Man here... needs sensible advice...

39 replies

Guy99 · 13/10/2010 22:31

Hello all

I've been looking around this site for a while and you seem like a good bunch. If I'm not welcome here then tell me to go away and I will.
My situation : I've got kids that I love more than life. My gf wants lots of kids, I don't. Before you shoot me down I love her more than I've loved anyone and we get on so well in every part of life. She adores me, which is an amazing feeling but I don't want anymore kids. What do we do? Split up... we'll both miss each other it hurts so much that we won't know what to do. Or stay together and she'll hate me in a couple of years.
Just wanted to talk.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 13/10/2010 22:33

Hi,
welcome.

How old are your kids? How many do you have? How often do you see them? Where do you see the relationship with your girlfriend heading? Have you explored with her why you dont want any more children? Has she met them?

grapeandlemon · 13/10/2010 22:33

Difficult one. I take it you have been honest to her about your feelings on this? What does she say?

I totally respect your choice but many Women feel that a man will change his mind.

QuintessentialShadows · 13/10/2010 22:33

Sorry, I am bombarding you with questions. Blush But I feel we need to know a little more background.

furryfungus · 13/10/2010 22:33

If neither of you can compromise then you need to go your separate ways.

ninah · 13/10/2010 22:34

How old is your gf?

suzikettles · 13/10/2010 22:36

Is your girlfriend not the mother of your children? How old is your girlfriend?

If she's in her 30s with no children of her own and you definitely don't want any more then you need to be completely clear to her that you will not change your mind and that if she wants children she needs to find a new relationship.

If you've made yourself completely clear, and emphasised that you won't change your mind (and tbh, if you're that definite have you had a vasectomy?) then it's up to her whether she chooses you or the possibility of children with someone else.

DioneTheDiabolist · 13/10/2010 22:37

I understand your reasons for not wanting any more children. I understand your girlfriend's reasons for wanting children. Unfortunately this incompatability is a deal breaker in relationships. If you really love her, you will end this relationship. If you don't it will probably eat away at both of you. Sorry for the gloomy prognosis.

late30s · 13/10/2010 22:37

Hi Guy99, for me, it's simple - you BOTH have to want kids, remember they become teenagers and then adults. They are also very hard work and demanding, you need to discuss this at length with her. Ultimately this is her call, does she stay with you and forego having kids or move on and have them with someone else? ultimately, all you can do is explain how you feel, she will then have to make the ultimate decision - you will both, unfortunately have to live with that outcome. All I can say with 100% certainty is don't have children to keep her happy, you will resent her for it in the long run and this now happy relationship will turn sour, hope this helps....

Original poster
Guy99 · 13/10/2010 22:38

Yes she's met them. And they all get on brilliantly. I see them as most divorced Dads do... at the weekend. I'd love to stay together and make a life with her. Just not with nappies, buggies and 'can we get them into a decent school' conversations. Sorry but thats how I feel. Thanks for the prompt reply !

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 13/10/2010 22:40

If neither of you loves each other enough to compromise then the relationship is doomed anyway.

Of course from a personal perspective I would look at a man who it seems gets such joy from his childrne but wants to deprive me of that in a different light so it may resolve itself for you anyway.

My brother really wanted children, his (much older) fiance didn't, she agreed to have one becasue she loved him and knew it would be a deal breaker for him if she said no. They had two in the end and are now divorced (after 25 years so not related to the kids!). Both of them would I think agree that the the kids were the best thing they did together.

Original poster
Guy99 · 13/10/2010 22:45

I'm amazed by the quick response by you all. Thankyou it means a lot. What 'late30's' said is true... they don't stay babies long and they soon turn into teens and adults. I don't want to be the oldest Dad down the school gates. Its so hard giving up a perfect relationship huh?

OP posts:
late30s · 13/10/2010 22:53

I don't think it'll be as cut and dried as just giving up the relationship, she's going to have to have a good old think. On the other hand, if she wants kids then maybe you could agree that she takes all of the responsibility for raising them and you just do the fun bitsm which doesn't involve waiting at the school gates! Just a thought ....

Original poster
Guy99 · 13/10/2010 23:02

I appreciate what you are saying late30's. Surely she would want a Dad that does get involved tho - like I am with mine? I dunno, theres been some good points made here tonight and better than my mates make. Thanks. Just feeling very sad about a fantastic relationship. If she wants babies and I don't then it's doomed. I have looked at so many message links on here about horrible guys and failed relationships that I feel so gutted that something that works so well is about to crumble. I so understand her need to have children but I just so don't.

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 13/10/2010 23:09

Guy99 you want a future free from children that you don't already have. Your GF wants a future that includes children of her own. There is no compromise in this. One of you must sacrifice (I assume that you would not be as keen on GF if she conceived by artificial or other means).

The relationship isn't perfect. No relationship is. You have to decide are you willing to give up a long held belief in order to continue your relationship with this woman? If not, you are stringing her along.

late30s · 13/10/2010 23:10

Good Luck with whatever happens next, sorry for your situation, be strong.

mylittlemonkey · 13/10/2010 23:12

Guy99 i think you already know the answer to this one but are desperately looking for some alternative which i am afraid you are not going to find - not even with all the wisdom and brains on MN.

You both want fundamentally different things. Your gf is not going to be happy in the long term without kids and you do not want kids and if you know you will never chnage your mind (and be happy with this) then there is no compromise. There are no alternative solutions i am afraid.

I was in a similar situation with an ex a number of years ago. We dragged it out for a year as we could not bear to part, hoping one of us would change our minds or that a solution would magically appear. Eventually we seperated. It was devastating but we both got over it and are now both blissfully happy with our current husband/ wife.

You need to have an honest chat with each other. It is a very difficult situation for you both - you have my sympathy.

kat2504 · 13/10/2010 23:15

I don't know much about you or how old you or the children you already have are. Or how many you have, but clearly at least 2.

But, if you love your girlfriend as much as you say you do, and this issue is a dealbreaker, is there no room for compromise such as having just the one child together and then no more? That is the only solution I can see. If she has no kids it is quite natural that she will want some, but if you have some already, lots more is unreasonable for you to be able to support. Perhaps she would be happy with one?

Otherwise I can't see any solution. If she agrees not to have any, you know that she really wants to and in the end she would end up resenting you for this.

Original poster
Guy99 · 13/10/2010 23:26

This website is amazing. I've had more sensible advice tonight than I can say. I think you're right. I've got to let her go. It kills me to think that what we have, she'll find with someone else. But I love her and I love my kids so it's time to move on. Easy to say. Not easy to do.

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 13/10/2010 23:31

True. You have to let hr go, it's not fair on her.

DioneTheDiabolist · 13/10/2010 23:31

Good Luck Guy99. You will find someone that is for you, and so will she.Smile

caramelwaffle · 13/10/2010 23:34

Glad you have found MN helpful - I think you have made the correct decision. Good luck.

Kewcumber · 13/10/2010 23:37

If you truly are prepared to lose the woman you love because you don't want more childrne then you should indeed end things as soon as possible.

he needs to know that you would rather live wihtout her than with another child, it may radically chnge her view of the relationship (unless she already knows this and thinks you will cahnge)

Original poster
Guy99 · 13/10/2010 23:42

Thanks. I'm a good guy, always treat people with respect and can't help feeling this isn't fair. But you're all correct. Time to move on. I can't to begin to explain the pain that this will cause to a woman that I will never, ever get over.

OP posts:
animula · 13/10/2010 23:48

You have my sympathy, too.

I know of one couple where she didn't want children and he did, and he compromised and kept the relationship. But I guess you must prepare yourself for the (possibly more likely) outcome when/if you have the "serious talk".

I, too, hope that all ends well for both of you, however that may be.

And congratulations on your self-knowledge and honesty. So many of us deal with difficult situations like this by just ignoring, and ... hoping it'll just resolve itself through being ignored. (I know I do.) That's an act of emotional courage. (Which I guess may be small comfort to you.)

Kewcumber · 13/10/2010 23:52

Oh I've been in her position and took the decision to have my DS alone. Have never regretted it although its hard, living without the joy of having a child in your life (if its something you want) is way more difficult than gett8ing over a man in my case. Partly because I couldn't get over that a man who purported to love me was prepared to let me go thorugh life whtout being a mother because he was quite happy with his lot thanks very much. I know its a very personal perspective but I could never again quite believe his declarations of love once I'd truly accepted he was prepared to consign me to a life of being his partner but nobodies mother.

Probably not the best person to advise you as it raises bitter memories and if I knew your gf I'd be advising her to run like the wind!