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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Man here... needs sensible advice...

39 replies

Guy99 · 13/10/2010 22:31

Hello all

I've been looking around this site for a while and you seem like a good bunch. If I'm not welcome here then tell me to go away and I will.
My situation : I've got kids that I love more than life. My gf wants lots of kids, I don't. Before you shoot me down I love her more than I've loved anyone and we get on so well in every part of life. She adores me, which is an amazing feeling but I don't want anymore kids. What do we do? Split up... we'll both miss each other it hurts so much that we won't know what to do. Or stay together and she'll hate me in a couple of years.
Just wanted to talk.

OP posts:
EvilAntsAndMiasmas · 13/10/2010 23:56

Also, have you had a vasectomy? Because you really should, if you're that sure. Spare your next girlfriend the bother of pill-taking, and make your feelings clear from the off.

Good luck with it, relationships can be so hard sometimes, we've all been there :(

Kewcumber · 14/10/2010 00:12

Thats a good point evilants

YeahBut · 14/10/2010 00:17

You have to end it quickly. Don't hang around and dither or she'll think that if she sticks it out, she'll be able to change your mind in time. If you're absolutely sure that you don't want more children, book your vasectomy and tell your GF straight.
It won't be easy. It will be painful. If you're looking for us to give you a way to avoid that, you won't get it. You sound like a nice bloke, so do the nice thing and be honest.

SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass · 14/10/2010 00:22

A vasectomy is a good idea if you are sure you don't want any more children. Though it doesn't necessarily mean you are Excused Condoms in perpetuity, you know - ie if/when you move on to new partners.

maktaitai · 14/10/2010 00:28

I have to say that like yeahbut, I believe that the vasectomy can help a woman see straight about this.

Good for you for thinking this through and for your serious commitment to your kids.

QuintessentialShadows · 14/10/2010 09:27

Guy99, you have been given sensible advice, and you seem to have great self insight.

Just another thought to add to the mix, and you dont have to answer, but think about it.

Very few women are going to chose a life without any children of their own.

In your next relationship, will you look for a woman like this who is adamant that she will not want, or cannot have, children? (She may chance her mind a few years down the line, when she is happy and secure in your relationship)Or will you look for a woman who has a family already, and effectively become the step dad to your new partners kids. (You will still get the "oh, can I get them into a good school/university" discussions then)

I have a friend who at the age of 18 declared she did not want kids. 20 years later she has not changed her mind. She has always been upfront with any man she has met, to ensure she would not waste time on a relationship where the man would want children. Her last relationship ended a few years ago when her partner of ten years decided he wanted children after all, and set out to find a woman who in her late 30s did not have children allready, and were keen to settle down and start a family. (He is still looking). My friend is ok-ish, she got over the relationship, it was after all "just a man", she has her cats, she will be 40 next year, she is the aunt of 5 nieces and nephews she rarely sees, but has her cabriolet and her career in finance, and her horse.

My point is: People change. Goalposts change. And people think others will change, or that they can change others. If you are sure you will never want children, and you have analyzed your motives for not wanting kids and you are certain they are valied and longterm, I agree you should have a vasectomy.

You need to ensure not only that you dont waste the time of a woman of childbearing age who wants children but think you will change when you have been with eachother long enough, but also that you dont end up sad and lonely when your next partner decides a life without children is not for her after all. Especially if she is much younger than you.

My other friend left her 60 year old partner at the age of 35 when her biological clock started ticking, after over 8 years together. He was devastated. He said: "Who would want a sixty year old ugly sod?"

My first friend is now considering getting a dog to avoid the void after her partner left. Two cats and a horse (and a sportscar)is not enough, clearly. And at the age of nearly 40, she has a hard time finding a man who is neither
a) divorced and with children;
b) still single and living with mum;
c) unable to form any relationship - ie total twat

Second point: You need to weigh up carefully what you want in your life and with your future. Do you really want to give up on life with a woman you love, just to avoid fathering her children. And what is the alternative future for you?

Tillyscoutsmum · 14/10/2010 09:39

Guy99 - I'm afraid I agree with everyone else. The wanting/not wanting children thing really is a deal breaker and is not really something most people are able to compromise on without feeling huge resentment.

Kudos to you for recognising it and and having the discussions now though. I married my ex husband on the basis we would have children "one day" and when I hit 30 and wanted to start planning a family, he admitted he didn't think he wanted them any time soon, or indeed at all. We divorced. I re-married and have 2 dc's. He has met someone who never wants children and they are very happy together.

QS has a point though. What are the alternatives ? Future relationships are likely to involve women who already have dc's or ones who don't but want them in the fututre. Ime women who do not want children at all are quite rare and those women are probably not minded to become a step mum to yours.....

Are you absolutely sure there is no way you would have any more ? Was the stress and strains of having children with your ex wife fundamental in your relationship breakdown ?

I do feel for you - horrible situation.

deepheat · 14/10/2010 15:10

Shit mate, this is horrible. Have to say though, that I'm not going to go agree with most of the other posters on here (poss because I'm a bloke? Dunno).

It sounds like you genuinely love each other, but there is obviously a huge issue. I don't think that it is for you to walk away here though. You love her. She loves you. There will be a huge amount of pain for both of you whatever happens but I think you need to give her the option, not in a pass the buck way (you've been totally clear in your position and you can be clear that this means that any break up is a shared decision) but simply to lay it out before her. You can tell her what you can give her, what you can't give her and you can even tell her that things may change (obviously only if this is true). Don't make the decision to leave for her.

Btw, agree with everybody else that having a baby for the sake of the relationship is clearly not on, but I'm guessing you're level headed enough to know that.

Was completely gutted for you reading this. Sorry, and all the best.

deepheat · 14/10/2010 15:11

Should stress that my post above is in no way trying to suggest that the lady is in the wrong in any way - didn't want it misinterpreted.

dogfish · 14/10/2010 15:24

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Spero · 14/10/2010 15:34

What everyone else has said.

Only way through it is to be honest. This is too important for both of you to try and dodge the issue or ignore it. If you are completely honest, then the ball is in her court as to how she deals with it. But as long as you give her the necessary information, it is up to her what she decides, I agree you shouldn't make a decision to end the relationship on her behalf. She is likely to end it if she really wants children, but let that be her decision.

dogfish · 14/10/2010 15:38

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celticfairy101 · 14/10/2010 15:43

I agree totally with what dogfish has said. If she wants children this will be her overriding factor in a relationship, but only if she's assertive enough to do something about it. She may well sacrifice her wants and needs to be with the OP. Many women do this as well.

ItsGhoulAgain · 14/10/2010 15:53

I don't know whether OP's still reading this thread. You sound like a very nice man, btw, and have your head screwed on :) If you haven't already made the decision for your girlfriend, I agree it's a case for mega-serious discussion. If you told her you're planning a vasectomy, that should focus her mind (in case she's harbouring hopes of winning you round).

I disagree that almost all women crave children. This is Mumsnet, so clearly a skewed sample! I have many friends who've never wanted children. I did, but never got broody and am fine with not having any. Where the 'urge' does exist, as with your girlfriend, it is a deal-breaker. But that urge is by no means universal.

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