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Original poster

Do I continue down the divorce road?

41 replies

Whatanob · 13/10/2010 21:55

I'm a regular but please don't out me if you recognise me.

Have come to the end of my patience with H and have asked for a divorce. Background: H works away during the week (400 mile commute) and is home if we're lucky 2-3 weekends per month. We have 3 young children, youngest being a breastfed grumpy as hell 6mo.

H has always played football on a Saturday, it's caused a few problems in the past, I'm happy for him to play but if there is a family problem he refuses to cancel, (he missed DD1 first birthday party for a match) and this causes huge rows.

When I got pregnant with dc3, I asked him if he would mind stopping football until he was working back here again (March next year) as I was anticipating exhaustion looking after all 3 dc on my own for weeks at a time. Fine he says and all is well for 2 weeks, then he starts moaning "ooohh I need to do some sport I feel so unwell" repeat x 10 every Saturday P.M. This carried on a few weeks more and when it became clear I wasn't going to send him on his merry way he told me I was controlling him by not allowing him to play. I relented despite struggling with the kids Angry he put me in a position where I could hardly say no.

This weekend he told me he was going to take DS with him as they didn't want him to play only needed him to help, off they went, 10 minutes later he's back and says he getting his boots, DS went in his room and got into his football kit by the time he was sorted H was already in the car and pulling away. DS burst into tears and with a screaming baby on my hip I ran to the door to see why he'd forgotten DS, turns out he wasn't taking him now but hadn't bothered explaining this to his crying 4yo son. Angry.I asked him to stop (hanging out the door with 2 crying DC) but he just shrugged and drove off and left me to sort it out.

I am sick to fucking death of him just walking/driving off from his family when it comes to football. Not the first time it's happened and not just football related. He's never around and when he is he'd rather kick a ball about than spend the time with us. What's the point?

OP posts:
Katisha · 13/10/2010 21:57

WHat was his reaction to the divorce idea?

Original poster
Whatanob · 13/10/2010 22:00

he's bought me some milk tray and bunch of flowers by way of an apology.

OP posts:
YanknCock · 13/10/2010 22:05

It seems like you are alone and raising the kids alone most of the time--not much of a marriage/partnership there.

How serious are you about the divorce? Have you looked into the process, or was it just something you said in the heat of the moment?

valeria78 · 13/10/2010 22:07

Wow what an apology. He is clearly an egotist as which kind of father would happily run to play football leaving behind a crying 4 yo??

Original poster
Whatanob · 13/10/2010 22:09

serious enough to have made an appointment with CAB to get advice.

It's not so much the doing it all alone part that bothers me, it's that he knows I'm tired and struggling and he just ignores it, he was an utter shit this weekend, poor DS.

OP posts:
YanknCock · 13/10/2010 22:14

OP, what you wrote does make me think of the 'last straw' moment I had with XH. For me, I finally realised that I was never going to come first for him. Our issue wasn't football, but the point is, I had this moment of clarity where I was just done trying to change him, to get him to see my point of view, to wait for him to want to be in the marriage in the same way as me.

We're actually friends now, and having talked it over, one of us was always going to be unhappy if we stayed together. If I got my way, he would have been unhappy. If he continued to put computers/geekery meetups/friends ahead of me all the time, I was going to be unhappy. So we ended it.

Dunno if that helps you at all.

DioneTheDiabolist · 13/10/2010 22:16

Have you considered couple counselling? It seems to me that your DH has not moved with the times, adapting to the changes of having children. You have OP and done it admirably but you cannot and should not be doing this alone. He is not listening to you, he is not being fair. Do you think that with help this could change?

VictoriasLittleKnownSecret · 13/10/2010 22:17

I feel sorry for you. My ex worked away and felt his weekends shouldn't involve childcare.

My life has been transformed by divorce because he has them for 24 hours each week. 24 hours rest.

I would recommend that you sit him down and say the marriage will fail unless he takes a turn at family life, agrees to make time for you as a couple and recognises that his behaviour has been lacking

VictoriasLittleKnownSecret · 13/10/2010 22:18

My husband resisted my efforts.

Then at the point of divorce when the reality of divorce hit him he poured out his regrets.

Too late :(

Original poster
Whatanob · 13/10/2010 22:21

Yank - it does help, I love him but I'm unhappy. His job (or maybe just his personality) has left him quite immature, if he goes on a night out he'll say he'll be home by 11pm, when I phone him at 1am he makes up some stupid story or say I'm on the next train and then turn his phone off and roll in at 10am. He's done this 3x, 3x too many when you have young kids at home IMO. I don't trust him to be around when I really need him any more.

OP posts:
YanknCock · 13/10/2010 22:23

Is some of the problem that he isn't used to 'family life' because he's away from you so much? Basically during the week he's a single guy doing what he wants. How long has he been working away for? What was he like when you lived together full time?

Can't really tell you what to do, but if you've made the appointment with CAB and are going about all this in a cool, rational way....well, I'd say continue on. You have to be separated for some time before it all goes through, and it takes longer when children are involved. There are lots of stages where you can change your mind.

YanknCock · 13/10/2010 22:27

sorry xposted with you.

XH and I didn't have kids, but we had a lot of that type of thing you describe as far as not being able to trust. Not turning up when and where he said, not being reachable (there were always excuses excuses excuses). If you look down the road a few years, can you still see yourself putting up with things as they are now?

Original poster
Whatanob · 13/10/2010 22:27

thanks all, it helps seeing that I'm not being unreasonable and demanding too much of him.

He's so helpful at home when he's actually here but he's not around enough for me to benefit from it IYSWIM, I'm mentally and physically exhausted and he wonders why I'm tired and moody most of the time.

He's been working away for the past 3 years but from next year he'll be working back here and apart from some weeks/months away he'll be home every night.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatanob · 13/10/2010 22:31

and no I can't see myself putting up with it, especially now DS is old enough to understand that Daddy is likely to let him down and just because we don't see him during the week doesn't mean we're important enough for him to spend a whole weekend with Angry.

and it's not like he doesn't play football when he's at work either, he finishes work at 4pm.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatanob · 13/10/2010 22:33

Dione - DH suggested Relate yesterday when he realised I was serious, thing is I think he's only suggesting it because by the time we'll be able to do it it'll be April and he's hoping I'll have forgotten.

OP posts:
YanknCock · 13/10/2010 22:38

IF you think you can hang on, maybe you can research the divorce aspect now but hang fire until March. Counselling can be helpful, but not always. XH and I had counselling from Relate and a private therapist. It helped us stay together longer than we would have otherwise, and I suppose it did help me as far as being sure I'd done what I could to save our marriage. Trouble is, both of you have to be interested in saving it!

Relate can also help if you do decide to split up...can help you to do it amicably. Or they can help you explore whether you want to stay together. There can be a wait for services, so perhaps you can call them now? If he is only available on weekends it might take a while for them to have a counsellor with space on Saturdays.

You can also ask for a separation while this is going on.

QuintessentialShadows · 13/10/2010 22:42

Why can he not play football where he lives and work during the week? Why can he not exercise during the week days?

My husband lives with me, and I would be LIVID if he wanted to spend his time on himself rather than with us every saturday. We both do our sports/exercises during the week. So, your dh is defintely a selfish nob, and I would also lose patience. Sorry, not helpful, I know...

YanknCock · 13/10/2010 22:43

I keep xposting, sorry.

If he suggested Relate, tell him to put his money where his mouth is and call them himself. When I did it, they scheduled an initial assessment appointment fairly quickly, but then there was a wait for the counselling appointments. Leave it in his hands. That will show you whether he's serious about keeping his family together.

He plays football during the week????? Was thinking Saturday was his only day for it...no, that's inexcusable, sorry. I'd be livid.

Original poster
Whatanob · 13/10/2010 22:43

I've told him we're seperating but he's going to need to stay here until he sorts himself out.

I don't think he believes me when I say we're seperating though.

OP posts:
YanknCock · 13/10/2010 22:44

Great minds QS, I didn't see your post but LIVID is the only word for it!

YanknCock · 13/10/2010 22:45

Where does he live during the week? Why can't he just stay there?

Original poster
Whatanob · 13/10/2010 22:48

He's in Scotland and we're on the South coast.

OP posts:
YanknCock · 13/10/2010 22:49

IIRC, when you separate, you have to meet certain conditions such as being in separate bedrooms, doing meals separately, basically living as roommates if you stay in the same house.

XH and I tried that but it was miserable. He was going to move out, then suddenly changed his mind, so I ended up leaving. The date you 'separate' will be an official date in divorce proceedings. I'd read up on it and tell him exactly what has to happen for you to be 'separated'.

DioneTheDiabolist · 13/10/2010 23:24

You will not forget, because if the problems are there, then they will always be there. April is such a long way a way. Why then and not now?

Original poster
Whatanob · 14/10/2010 07:48

He's not home often enough to get the sessions.

OP posts:
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