Do I continue down the divorce road?

[Whatanob]

I'm a regular but please don't out me if you recognise me.

Have come to the end of my patience with H and have asked for a divorce. Background: H works away during the week (400 mile commute) and is home if we're lucky 2-3 weekends per month. We have 3 young children, youngest being a breastfed grumpy as hell 6mo.

H has always played football on a Saturday, it's caused a few problems in the past, I'm happy for him to play but if there is a family problem he refuses to cancel, (he missed DD1 first birthday party for a match) and this causes huge rows.

When I got pregnant with dc3, I asked him if he would mind stopping football until he was working back here again (March next year) as I was anticipating exhaustion looking after all 3 dc on my own for weeks at a time. Fine he says and all is well for 2 weeks, then he starts moaning "ooohh I need to do some sport I feel so unwell" repeat x 10 every Saturday P.M. This carried on a few weeks more and when it became clear I wasn't going to send him on his merry way he told me I was controlling him by not allowing him to play. I relented despite struggling with the kids he put me in a position where I could hardly say no.

This weekend he told me he was going to take DS with him as they didn't want him to play only needed him to help, off they went, 10 minutes later he's back and says he getting his boots, DS went in his room and got into his football kit by the time he was sorted H was already in the car and pulling away. DS burst into tears and with a screaming baby on my hip I ran to the door to see why he'd forgotten DS, turns out he wasn't taking him now but hadn't bothered explaining this to his crying 4yo son. .I asked him to stop (hanging out the door with 2 crying DC) but he just shrugged and drove off and left me to sort it out.

I am sick to fucking death of him just walking/driving off from his family when it comes to football. Not the first time it's happened and not just football related. He's never around and when he is he'd rather kick a ball about than spend the time with us. What's the point?

I am appalled - totally horrified - at an adult pulling a trick like that on a small child. Whatever else the issues between you, a man who could do that to his own son is a totally empathy-free zone. He started to take him out, went back on a pretext and dumped him? Never mind leaving you to take the fallout, which is pretty awful, but even thinking of it as fallout rather than not wanting to hurt his son (or anyone else's child actually, or a small fluffy animal, or... or anyone! but especially his own young son) is just... I dunno, I can't think of a phrase to describe how bad that is without descending into foul language.

Basically he Does Not Care. I don't see how you can make a relationship with a man like this unless he has an empathy implant. Which, as far as I know, medical science has not yet worked out how to do.

whata

I think your last sentence in your original post says it all really.

Have you considered actually going to Relate on your own?. You can do this. Would this man want to actually attend such sessions anyway?.

I dont actually quite see why he will need to stay with you at all, when you separate.

Can he not just remain in Scotland? And if the footie with his mates down south is so important for him, can he not crash on a mates floor, or find a bedsit?

It seems to me he is coming home for the weekend to play football with his friends, not to see his family.

Oh they're not his friends though, makes it worse doesn't it?! He doesn't like any of them!

I could go to relate alone but it'd mean arranging childcare and finding a spare minute in the day.

He's an arse

He willl stay in Scotland but he'll need somewhere to stay down here when he has the DC.

My DH used to travel a lot for work, about 1-2 weeks a month when the kids were small. It was hard for me, as we were living abroad at the time. He also comes home at about 7.

He has a hobby he started with when the kids were smal, which took up 1-2 days at the weekend.

He said his job was a sh$t job and he needed something to look forward to in the weekend.

We have had LOADS of arguments about him doing this, and me saying I was upset he did not want to be with us.

I hate the way men can just take on as much parentinga s they like, and bugger off whe it suits them.

We have a compromise now where he only goes for half the year.

Not perfect, I know.

But importantly, I started taking time off MYSELF at weekends. So if he went to do his sport on Saturday, I would disappear on Sunday. Fairs fair. I joined a gym, and would take a book (theres a caf) and spend a day there.

He said it was such a shame we did not spend any time at the WE as a family. I said if hed give up his Saturdays away, Id give up my Sundays away.

I had to really DO this though, not just threaten it, but just disappear. And no, no food ready for him in the fridge or anything.

Had a panic call a few times saying: "Are you not coming back to do tea for the DC`s?!" me: " there is plenty of food in the house, just go and find it".

I would come home to a grumpy DP; but HE DID GET MY POINT! And changed his attitude. He would say: "it`s bloody hard work looking after them on my own all day", and I would say: "yes dear. it is".

Personally I did not contemplate divorce as I knew I loved him, even when things were tough, and wanted him to change rather than leave.

really wary of disappearing myself, the lack of family time has already been noted by our 4yo and he's quite upset that his Dad is never around . I have just upped and left on occassions and left him to it, doesn't bother him though.

I just want him to grow the fuck up!

Whatanob, what a miserable story with your 4yo DS, I feel deeply sorry for him. My DS is only 2.5yo but does get upset if his daddy is away.
Generally, I am in a similar position. My DH sometimes behaves as teenager, very selfishly indeed. He can spend hours ironing his clothes/cleaning his work shoes/showering/eating but when it comes to taking care of DS, everything is done extremely quick and with sort of anger. If I leave DS with him then usually DH is on computer and DS plays on his own. DH also took up a hobby where he spends every second weekend away, and is not bothered by my comments that we should spend more time together. He says he is not drinking/not going out with friends/not cheating and that makes him a perfect man . In my opinion, he only cares about himself and does not have family values and sets a bad example to his child.
On the other hand, I still love him and I don't want to divorce. He does try and help [sometimes]. DS loves him. DC2 is on the way. I agree with Chandon that the best way is to take time off for yourself and let him take care of children. Although I find it very difficult emotionally, it is very hard to relax and not to think of what is happening at home.
Also, when my DH is at home, I load him with household works so he feels involved. He probably feels a bit guilty, because he does not argue, but does things with grumpy face :)

He's trying to win me round but we've been here so many times before.

Toja I also get the "I'm not a drinking man" line.

Just bumping this up.

He's home this weekend and I'd like some more opinions. Will probably show him this thread.

How's it been? More of the same?

Thing is, I don't think you want a divorce. I think you love him and need him. What you want is to find a way to control him and make him do what you want him to do. What you should be doing, if you want control, is finding a way to make him want to spend more time with you and the kids.

Showing him this thread won't help at all, I really wouldn't do that. You're giving him all the power in the relationship at the moment, with your dramatics and your divorce-threats and creating these threads. I realise you life is VERY HARD with the 3 DC, but divorce will only make it harder.

Does his job pay well? If so, use some of his money to get a bit of childcare during the week, and/or a cleaner. Take better care of yourself - start exercising and eating healthily - and leave him alone. Find something to do with the kids on Saturdays when he's playing football. I think it's unfair to take that away from him, I honestly do. The season finishes in the spring - why not then make Saturdays YOUR day to go to the gym, or start a class in something?

Stop focussing on what you want him, him, him, him to do all the time - what do you want to do? Do that.

IME the football season doesn't close in the spring...It goes on well into the summer...

My Saturdays are eaten up by football as well, but it's DS playing. DO you think your DH will take an interest in DS once he starts playing? Couple of years away though...

How's it going?

I do think beautiful has a point - no sure you want to divorce but feel you will be forced into it.

Are you able to talk without arguing? Can you talk this through and find a way to get some downtime so you're not resentful.
I'm sure some counselling would be available at the weekends..even saturday mornings??

My feeling is he's thoughtless, he doesn't really appreciate what it's like to take care of 3 DCs week in/week out but I hope you can work through it.

o.k., I would second BEAUTIFUL`s advice.

I remember that I also used to do this, go out with the kids somewhere nice and have a great time.

He would come home to empty home saying Where are you?. "Beach" or "Zoo" or friend s house, and I would not hurry home.

I would defo not sit at home waiting for him to return.

Also, DO go out and do your own thing tooª

How is life going to get any harder? He's basically not present. If they split up then at least he would have to devote some time to the kids when they were with him, and op would get a break. Assuming he could prioritise contact over football.
Saying she is trying to 'control' him is stupid. He is controlling everything really isn't he? Treating his child like that is horrible.