Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I turn a casual sex-only relationship into a more meaningful one?

31 replies

Banks · 13/10/2010 05:53

I am in the process of getting a divorce. Amoung exdh's many issues was that he was pretty much uninterested in sex-- we had it maybe twice a month and it was BAD.

So after exdh dumped me (for other reasons that I won't go into here) I decided to find the most beautiful man I could and have my way with him.

I found an incredibly beautiful man who is far and away the most amzaing lover I've ever had. We see each other on the weekends. I always leave first thing in the morning. Everyone has been telling me that I'm not ready for anything more than just sex, and I've been trying really hard to let him know that and to keep it that way.

But, as was inevitable, I'm starting to really like him beyond that. Is the relationship sort of dead from the start? Or is there some way I can back it up and make it into something more? Anyone have experience with this kind of thing? Or any general advice?

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 13/10/2010 07:26

talk to him ?

pick a time where sex isn't the only thing on the agenda and tell him how you feel

his reaction should guide you

allgonebellyup · 13/10/2010 09:22

Has he not given you any clues as to what he wants?
Does he imply he is only in it for the sex?

GypsyMoth · 13/10/2010 09:33

my relationship started off like this.....in MY mind it was just sex.....but HE had other ideas, together almost 6 years now with a ds

talk to him

what do you think so far? does he do the running? do you text?

electra · 13/10/2010 09:39

There's no reason why it can't become more if you both want that.

ItsGhoulAgain · 13/10/2010 13:12

Danger! Someone posted a link to this very interesting post about oxytocin bonding.

Do you actually have a relationship? What's his favourite colour? How does he spend his Sunday afternoons? Can you name his brothers & sisters? Ever met his friends ... etc?

colditz · 13/10/2010 13:12

You can't. It's dead from the start. You are in his fuckbuddy box, there is no way to climb out of that box.

veryweirdteacher · 13/10/2010 20:41

How do you know he is not saying the same to his friends?

What was the deal at the start? Did you make it clear you just wanted a FB- and did he agree he did too?

Be interested to know how you found him, and also whether this is an exclusive thing for either of you.

You must surely have some idea of whether he wants a relationship- either with you or anyone!

TDaDa · 13/10/2010 21:09

Don't spoil it! Just keep having good sex with him until you find Mr Right.

electra · 13/10/2010 23:52

I don't agree with that colditz - don't most relationships begin casually anyway?

shimmerysilverghosty · 13/10/2010 23:56

Agree with colditz if he wanted it to got that way it would have done already.

Yes relationships start out casually but when you reeeeeeally like someone and they like you back, like that, then it moves forwards with a life of its own iykwim?

shimmerysilverghosty · 13/10/2010 23:57

go not got

gettingeasier · 13/10/2010 23:59

Sorry find yourself without male input , I read your previous thread and felt for you big time but maybe its time to focus on Banks and Banks that is with NO men around

SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass · 14/10/2010 00:02

The only way you can do so is if he's up for making more of a relationship out of it. If he's not, then don't even try. It's pointless and also unethical.
What has he said so far, though? If he's said, especially if he's said more than once, that he isn't ready for a relationship, or just wants some fun, or anything along those lines, then believe him and don't start blaming him for not wanting a commitment - he never offered you one in the first place.
If nothing has been said on either side, then you could ask him out on some sort of date. Don't FFS make it a romantic dinner or invite him to meet your parents, just ask if he'd like to go to a gig/film/club/party with you and see how he reacts. He may agree enthusiastically. If he either shuffles his feet in embarassment or actually says, look, this is just a bit of fun, I don't want to get serious, then you have your answer.

shimmerysilverghosty · 14/10/2010 00:04

"If he either shuffles his feet in embarassment or actually says, look, this is just a bit of fun, I don't want to get serious, then you have your answer."

After which you will wish the floor could swallow you up and not be able to get out the door quick enough. God I hate the dating game.

SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass · 14/10/2010 00:17

Hey, it's less embarrassing than saying 'I want to talk about Our Relationship' and having the bloke simultaneously poo his pants in horror and spontaneously combust.

electra · 14/10/2010 00:24

SolidBrass - I often agree with what you say but you sound a bit cross on this thread.

Also to the poster who said he would have made it that way already if he wanted a relationship - why should it always be the man who is in control? Or either person?

The OP stated that she has not wanted him to think it's more than sex. Sometimes a conversation is required to know where everyone stands. But there isn't anything in her post which suggests he has taken any position yet.

purplepeony · 14/10/2010 07:48

Surely it all depends on what was said or not said at the start.

Where are you OP?

Either you both put your cards onthe table, or you did and he didn't, or neither of you did.

I find it a bit odd that you can exchange bodily fluids yet appear to know so little about what he wants.

Do you just turn up for sex every Saturday, get your kit off, get dressed and go home? With no converstaion about your hopes and dreams for the future- not necessarily about relationships, but you must surely talk and that must give you some clue?

I am not saying what you do is wrong, it just puzzles me how you can be clueless.

allgonebellyup · 14/10/2010 09:23

Ewwww at "bodily fluids"

SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass · 14/10/2010 09:52

Electra: Not cross at all Smile. Re: the OP not having mentioned anything which suggests the man feels one way or the other is why I suggested she ask him on a low-key date to see how he reacts, because that's easy enough to pass off as 'Oh well, I just thought you might like the gig/film/opera/whatever' to save face if he makes it clear that he's only up for friendly casual sex.

Bast · 14/10/2010 10:59

Very interesting link, ItsGhoul.

Original poster
Banks · 14/10/2010 20:17

Hi guys. Sorry it took me so long to get back to you all. I think it will be difficult for me to respond to each of you in one by one, so I'll just try to address the most common inputs.

We've only seen each other three times. I am the one that does most of the talking. He just listens and, I think, takes his cues from me. He only last time told me, when I reiterated that all I wanted was an NSA arrangement, that he had just exited a seven year long relationship too. But he didn't echo wanting only sex. Thinking about it, he honestly hasn't said one way or another what he wants. He is very reserved in that way and very hard to read. I guess I wasn't really trying to read him at the start, because I did think that I would want was sex.

I think I might start by just seeing if I can stay for breakfast next time and see how that goes. We did meet at this particular place that we both have an interest in, so I could try suggesting that we go to the next even there together... I dunno, is it too soon for all of this? It's been three weeks, but he lives and works in another city (a 45 minute train ride away) so we only see each other one day/weekend.

Any further thoughts?

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 14/10/2010 20:26

But Banks just a fortnight ago you started a long thread about how much you still love your exH, despite what emerged on the thread as a highly abusive relationship. Why therefore do you want a "meaningful relationship" so soon?

A bit of time spent on your own, or just having a sex-only relationship if you can handle it (and given your last thread and your romantic leanings, I'm not sure you can) might be best for you just now.

A lot of us also suggested that you had some additional therapy, but you disappeared from that thread too, if I recall.

Original poster
Banks · 14/10/2010 21:33

WhenwillIfeelnormal. Well, it's complicated. I do still love my ex and want him back, but I am starting to accept that it won't happen. I just feel that in order to get over it, I need to find someone else to get get me through. It's just the type of person I am. I don't want it to be totally serious yet, I just want to have some affection with the amazing sex. I want something in between a strictly casual thing and a full-on headed towards marriage relationship.

I am getting additional therapy and it is helping immensely.

I also wasn't aware that it was ok to post in "older" threads around here. I did get very busy and when I came back the thread was off the front page. In most forums, that means that it would be considered bad manners to resurrect it. Is that not the case here?

OP posts:
SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass · 14/10/2010 23:56

Ah. Didn't know your back story but I would point out that no matter what your circumstances, three dates in is a bit early to be trying to have any kind of Where Is This Relationship GOing? conversation.
And it's a very bad idea to decide that the only way to get over one man is to get under another. For one thing, it's not actually very fair on your new chap to be using him as a kind of emotional dildo. If he's just up for a bit of fun, it's not great to expect him to hold your hand and help you process your mixed up feelings, he didn't sign up as an unpaid therapist. If he is potentially interested in a serious relationship, it's not very kind to expect him to offer you one when you are still hankering after your ex.
Please do remember that the man has feelings too and is entitled to have them taken into consieration.

expatinscotland · 15/10/2010 00:03

What Solid and WWIFN said. 100%.

You've only seen him 3 times, I'd be inclined to leave it for now.

I've had a fair few NSA relationships and didn't even spend the night at all for months.

Nowt wrong with wanting affection and sex, but I think as you're just getting out of an abusive long-term relationship, you need to form a very important relationship with yourself, through lots of therapy, for a while before embarking on anything other than NSA.

Both for your sake and the sake of any potential relationship partner.