How do I turn a casual sex-only relationship into a more meaningful one?

[Banks]

I am in the process of getting a divorce. Amoung exdh's many issues was that he was pretty much uninterested in sex-- we had it maybe twice a month and it was BAD.

So after exdh dumped me (for other reasons that I won't go into here) I decided to find the most beautiful man I could and have my way with him.

I found an incredibly beautiful man who is far and away the most amzaing lover I've ever had. We see each other on the weekends. I always leave first thing in the morning. Everyone has been telling me that I'm not ready for anything more than just sex, and I've been trying really hard to let him know that and to keep it that way.

But, as was inevitable, I'm starting to really like him beyond that. Is the relationship sort of dead from the start? Or is there some way I can back it up and make it into something more? Anyone have experience with this kind of thing? Or any general advice?

And why is a sex-only relationship seen as not meaningful?

I learned a lot from the ones I had.

I was not in a place where I could handle any other type of relationship when I started having them, having just separated and moving towards divorce. I was too messed up for that.

But as time moved on, I learned that I was less and less capable of separating emotions from sex, and so I learned I didn't want a sexual relationship anymore that didn't include other things.

But none of them was meaningless at all.

Even my one-nighters had their place in the continuum of my life.

Completely agree, Expat.

I'd say, stay for breakfast next time or arrange to meet somewhere in town before heading for his place - give your selves time to chat. It's not difficult. See if he amuses you outside of bed, too.

Banks - you sound to be in exactly the same place as I was after I left my abusive, but you won't see it for a while. I didn't for years!!

I think you're trying to find affection, and replace the attention you were getting. Even though that was abusive. I suggest that you keep this relationship as NSA or finish it all together. What you really need is time on your own to recover and re-group. You don't need to be in a relationship (of any sort), you can be on your own or hold onto your NSA.

Once I realised this I felt like a huge weight had been lifted. I had lots of counselling, and when I finally met my now dh, I was able to recognise what could be a healthy, happy and normal relationship. I had a couple of NSA's too, one is now a lifelong friend. They served their purpose .

There are small/safe/incremental ways of showing affection...but I think you should continue to make the relationship fun. You probably need to ensure that you stay in control and build your confidence rather than suffer more rejection. Your boyfriend may even be more attracted to that type of woman. SGB and WWIFN are wise as always

I posted a couple of days ago about a male friend who seems to be in your situation Banks.
He is weeks out of his 3rd marriage ( separated but not yet divorced) yet is already dating, but says it doesn't "feel right". The woman is evidently mad keen.

I suggested he took time out to get over his marriage. he says the problem with just having NSA is that the women always fall for him and then he feels terrible.

WhatI'd say to him and you, is why do you need to rush into anything with anyone? You don't have to replace model A with model B almost overnight, just to complete you in some way do you?

Happiness comes from within and being emotionally self-sufficient is no bad thing.

It is a very fangerous game to play IMO to decide that you want NSA as a means of getting over someone; the otehr partner may fall for you, or you for them and either one willbe hurt.

It could work but IMO people often say they want one thing when they mean another, or think they want one thing, then their hearts get involved.

Can't you fill your life in other ways and find meaning for it which does not involve another person?

You have already found the NSA is not working for you, for the reasons Ihave said.

I have to be honest and when I read your 1st post I thought the situation withthis guy had been goin g on for months or years. 3 dates is nothing. If you are thinking this deeply after 3 dates then there is no way you can handle a no strings relationship- so stop kidding yourself that this is somehow the solution to your problem.

We'd all like to have amazing sex and feel affection- but it comes at a price- you can't just use people for that and not acknowledge that sometimes it really is a wholelot more complicaated than shag, go home, shag, go home.