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Original poster

DP and his ExW

49 replies

honestlynotatroll · 12/10/2010 16:40

I was going to post this in AIBU but i know i am.

Dp's XW cheated on him. she had been having ana affair for at least 6 months. he recieved an anonymous letter telling him so.
he pulled up outside OM's house and rang her, she answered saying she was at work. he was stood beside her car!

he went home with the resolution that he would be there for his kids and his relationship with her would remain as icy as it had been for ages anyway. thogh obviously he was hurt, being there for his children was all that mattered.

He never even mentioned to her what he knew.

a short while afterwards she told him she wanted him to leave. that she would pay him off £50k to just leave the house and give her a divorce.

Being an idiot he just accepted and left. (idiot being that he could have fought for half the house etc but she had calculated this all well in advance and she knew he would just roll over)

Within a month she had moved NM into their home.

Dp says he stays civil for the sake of the DC and he see's them pretty much 50% of the time.

it has been a few years now. Dp has been with me for 2 years.

Now here's what is pissing me off. he got a text last night saying that she had gotten engaged with NM at the weekend.

He didn't tell me about this. a friend of ours did.
I also know that he involves her in every aspect of his life. not just stuff that would have an impact on the children but everything

Something will happen and rather than asking me for advice he will text his XW.

When he was involved in a car crash he sent her a photo before he sent me one.
He will often send her the same text he sends me.

He should hate her. he should want nothing to do with her. yet he still tries too hard to be friends with her for my liking.

I am beginning to think that maybe whilst he hates her for what she did he still holds a bit of a thing for her.
Whilst i guess i could understand that i just dont think it is something i can live with.

I am fairly certain you will all come on and tell me i am over thinking it and that i should stop being so precious but....i am hurt.
and if i am brutally honest a little bit Envy

OP posts:
Original poster
honestlynotatroll · 12/10/2010 17:00

how do i either talk to him about it all, or get over it???

OP posts:
BEAUTlFUL · 12/10/2010 17:21

He sounds like he's still keen on her. How did he react to the news of her engagement? If he still loves her, he'll be gutted.

Any word on his wanting to marry you?

msboogie · 12/10/2010 17:23

ooohhhh dear. I wouldn't like this one bit. Not one little bit. Have you actually had it out with him though? Does he realise what he is doing?

maduggar · 12/10/2010 17:24

If he is putting her before you , then YANBU! You shoudl be coming first, though he should always remain friends with ex-w for teh sake of teh children.

bigchris · 12/10/2010 17:25

Have you got children with him?
It sounds like he's still in love with her and I don't think you can do anything about that sadly
it depends how much you love him and how much you're prepared to cope with Sad

ManiDeadi · 12/10/2010 17:29

I would not like this either.

Yes he should be civil with her for the sake of the children, but that is where it should end, if he wants to carry on in a serious relationship with you.

Sometimes I think men just don't realise that they are being unreasonable. You need to spell it out to him that you are not happy for him to continue this level of friendship with her.

RealityBites · 12/10/2010 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oldenoughtowearpurple · 12/10/2010 17:41

He didn't want to get divorced. He is still clinging on to her. My XDH does this a bit. It's like trying to leave a howling toddler at playgroup so you can go and have a glass of wine do the ironing.

My question is - why doesn't she just tell him to bugger off?

Time for a hissyfit methinks.

Original poster
honestlynotatroll · 12/10/2010 17:45

He treats me very well but can be a nobber.

He does stuff with the very best of intentions but he fails to see just how it would appear to me/outside world.

I agree that they need to be at least civil and friendly if possible.

But imho she shouldn't know anything about his OUR life unless it directly affects the DC.

No we don't have Dc together. He hasn't got anywhere close to asking me to marry him and despite me speaking about children he is quite adament about that not happening "for now"

I do love him. But, call it vanity if you like, i simply will not play sloppy seconds to someone who cheated on him and treated him appallingly.

How do i go about explaining that without sounding like a totally neurotic bunny boiler though??

OP posts:
Original poster
honestlynotatroll · 12/10/2010 17:47

oh i think she is quite happy to still have such a hold on him.

I don't know whether it is guilt over the way she treated him, the fact she cheated or what but she does like to be seen as the oh so reasonable one.

I would say that they text at least once a day.

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 12/10/2010 17:58

I think for your own peace of mind you need to sort this out now. I would not raise it over one specific incident, but talk about how you feel and only bring up 'examples' when you're able to speak calmly about them.

It sounds like he still carries a torch - sorry. Sad

Having said that, raising it with him might just make him realise how much you mean to him.

Original poster
honestlynotatroll · 12/10/2010 18:16

I don't doubt that he loves me.

but this is the woman he married.that he had children with. That if he has his way he would still be happily married to.

He didn't want an end to his marriage.

by all accounts he spent the first year after she kicked him out sat in his pants being utterly depressed.

I just think that he will never love me the way he loved her. and i really don't want to be anyone's runner up prize.

I know that when i raise it he will tell me i am imagining it. that of course he loves me and that he is only nice to her for the dc sake.
I am glad you agree that im not being silly for thinking it more.

now to work out how to broach it

OP posts:
moraldisorder · 12/10/2010 18:20

Oh dear. I dont think you are being precious. It is absolutely unacceptable behaviour.

ScaryFucker · 12/10/2010 18:20

do you see yourself staying with this man for the rest of your life ?

it is OK broaching it, but not sure what you expect him to do

it is up to you what happens here, not him

he has already told you what he thinks...you are seeing a different picture, so do you expect him to turn his feelings off like a tap ?

you can attempt to stop the texting etc, but it only scratches the surface really

accept you will always be the second prize...or move on and find someone for whom you come first

SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass · 12/10/2010 18:24

Setting aside his contact with her, does he make you feel loved in other ways? Generally? Is he kind to you, supportive of you, interested in your work? Does he make it obvious that he is sexually attracted to you? Do you have as much sex as you would like? Or reasonably near as much as you would like?
If so, then you need to deal with your issues around the XW yourself.
If not, then it's possible that he does see you as a kind of convenience woman, one who's there to look after him etc, and this is soul-destroying to live with.
Unfortunately, people often do feel a lasting, all consuming love for people who don't love them back, and because they can't have the 'perfect' partner, conveniently forget that the perfect partner is either a nasty bit of goods or someone who simply doesn't want them.
It is bloody hard to deal with this. I did have a relationship, of sorts, with a man who was mourning the Great Love Of His Life (who sounded like an appalling silly bitch to me but there you go...) mercifully it didn;t last and I never had DC with him.
Fiction (and to an extent, life) is full of women who are NotRebeccas: the way to work out whether or not YABU is, like I said, look at all the rest of the ways he treats you.

Original poster
honestlynotatroll · 12/10/2010 18:52

i very much want to be with him until i am old and grey.

but when marriage once came up in conversation i remember feeling uneasy about how i would feel about him marrying me. my special day having to be dictated by what he had already had in his frist wedding.

maybe i am just a jealous neurotic weirdo.

I don't know anymore.

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 12/10/2010 19:02

well, FWIW

I think if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, they should make you feel secure and that it shouldn't be this much hard work

people start new r'ships all the time, but bringing baggage (other than dc, of course) is highly unfair to the new partner

particularly if he/she is made to feel they can never measure up (no matter what you do) to the one before !

there was a thread the other day, where a lot of posters were saying they would never contemplate taking on a man/woman with children from a previous r'ship

where there are children from a r'ship, there are (rightly, in some ways) a lot of heightened emotions, often more so than a child-free one

sgb, loving the Hallowe'en name, btw

spidookly · 12/10/2010 19:12

You want to get old an grey with him, but after 3 (?) years he is nowhere near wanting to marry you and is not prepared to discuss when you might have children?

How old are you?

Too young to be settling for a lifetime of feeling second best, I reckon.

ScaryFucker · 12/10/2010 19:15

spid, hopefully she is young, and not mid-30's and currently childless (if it is children she really wants...)

spidookly · 12/10/2010 19:34

Yes, Scary that's what I'm hoping too.

Original poster
honestlynotatroll · 12/10/2010 19:40

i am early 30's Blush I do have children from previous relationship though.

God you lot are a lot nicer than i was expecting and tbh that is causing me more greif.

if yo had all come on and told me to stop being such a silly mare and pull myself together, that would have been easy. I could tell myself i was just over reacting.

But you aren't.

I am going to have to actually do something. Im not sure what though.

It is all a litle depressing

OP posts:
pithyslicker · 12/10/2010 19:44

Isn't it good that he doesn't hate her?

ScaryFucker · 12/10/2010 19:45

nicer than you were expecting ?

did you realy think we would tell you to pull yourself together ?

gosh, he certainly has done a number on you....your self-esteem and faith in your own ability to judge a situation is taking a bit of a knock here

worrying stuff Sad

strong words, OP, strong words needed before this situation grinds you down even more x

SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass · 12/10/2010 20:04

SOrry, but it really sounds like he is Not That Into You. IF he has made you promises of marriage/babies in the future or asked you to wait while he sorts himself out, then he is being rather selfish.
If he's not, then unfortunately you have maybe assumed rather more than what was on offer. It is literally soul-destroying to try to 'make' someone love you as much as you want to be loved by that person. Because it simply isn't possible.
WHile if you enter into a relationship with someone who has DC with another person, you do have to accept that the DC's other parent is going to feature to some extent in your partner's life (unless your DP's XP is such a horrible human being that all contact has been severed) and in that of the extended family - s/he will probably also have some sort of relationship with your DP's parents and siblings, and with the DC who may become your stepchildren.
However, when your DP becomes your DP ie the relationship becomes serious and a commitment is agreed, then you feature in all these people's lives too, and shouldn;'t be made to feel like second-best. Your DP defnitely sholdn't compare you constantly to his XP even if the comparisions are in your favour.
SOme people are just crap at being single, so if they can't have the partner they actually want, they will scout around for someone who loves them, and allow that person to do so while they heal from the loss of the partner they did want.
Unfortnately, they often subsequently fall madly in love with someone else and the poor sod who did all the rehabilitation work on them gets dumped.

pithyslicker · 12/10/2010 20:11

He has children 50% of the time.
He didn't try and screw his wife financially.
He maintains a civil relationship with his ex for the sake of the children.
He sounds a right bastard.