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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP and his ExW

49 replies

honestlynotatroll · 12/10/2010 16:40

I was going to post this in AIBU but i know i am.

Dp's XW cheated on him. she had been having ana affair for at least 6 months. he recieved an anonymous letter telling him so.
he pulled up outside OM's house and rang her, she answered saying she was at work. he was stood beside her car!

he went home with the resolution that he would be there for his kids and his relationship with her would remain as icy as it had been for ages anyway. thogh obviously he was hurt, being there for his children was all that mattered.

He never even mentioned to her what he knew.

a short while afterwards she told him she wanted him to leave. that she would pay him off £50k to just leave the house and give her a divorce.

Being an idiot he just accepted and left. (idiot being that he could have fought for half the house etc but she had calculated this all well in advance and she knew he would just roll over)

Within a month she had moved NM into their home.

Dp says he stays civil for the sake of the DC and he see's them pretty much 50% of the time.

it has been a few years now. Dp has been with me for 2 years.

Now here's what is pissing me off. he got a text last night saying that she had gotten engaged with NM at the weekend.

He didn't tell me about this. a friend of ours did.
I also know that he involves her in every aspect of his life. not just stuff that would have an impact on the children but everything

Something will happen and rather than asking me for advice he will text his XW.

When he was involved in a car crash he sent her a photo before he sent me one.
He will often send her the same text he sends me.

He should hate her. he should want nothing to do with her. yet he still tries too hard to be friends with her for my liking.

I am beginning to think that maybe whilst he hates her for what she did he still holds a bit of a thing for her.
Whilst i guess i could understand that i just dont think it is something i can live with.

I am fairly certain you will all come on and tell me i am over thinking it and that i should stop being so precious but....i am hurt.
and if i am brutally honest a little bit

OP posts:

ScaryFucker · 12/10/2010 20:13

"stepping stone" relationship

have seen it happen...that may not be the case here though, OP

Original poster

honestlynotatroll · 12/10/2010 20:25

pithy - That was more teh response i was expecting. I don;t know. He is seemingly doing it all the way we would want an ex husband to behave. to remain civil in order that the children are kept secure.

that's not what i am worried about.
It is more the case that i fear he is more than just civil. its not just for the childrens sake.

AF & SGB your advice is as always superb. if a little difficult to read. I fear it is the advice i would be giving anynoe else in my postion.

I think wewill be having a conversation tonight. Though tbh i have no idea how to raise the issue

OP posts:

spidookly · 12/10/2010 20:30

Not being a bastard is not enough on its own to justify staying in a relationship.

ScaryFucker · 12/10/2010 20:31

show him this thread ?

Original poster

honestlynotatroll · 12/10/2010 20:35

he won't have anything to do with MN. he sneers whenever i mention it.

he thinks your al a load of hormonal men hating chore dodgers

he clearly bases this theory on me

OP posts:

ScaryFucker · 12/10/2010 20:36

gosh, what a charmer

VampireMouseface · 12/10/2010 20:36

Does your XH know me OP?

Original poster

honestlynotatroll · 12/10/2010 20:39

god i hope not Mouse - your gorgeous. he'd be off!

OP posts:

ScaryFucker · 12/10/2010 20:45

yesyouknowme · 12/10/2010 20:46

I really worry about you saying "he should hate her"

It's not for you to say how he should feel about her.

Original poster

honestlynotatroll · 12/10/2010 20:47

i am going to sign off and go have a chat.

wish me luck. i may well screw this up and just cry a lot instead.

OP posts:

ScaryFucker · 12/10/2010 20:48

good luck, love x

and don't cry, state your feelings simply and clearly

phipps · 12/10/2010 20:51

I half think it doesn't really matter what he does or says or how he feels about his ex wife. The fact is his actions make you feel like crap and therefore he should want to stop to make the woman he says he loves, feel better.

VampireMouseface · 12/10/2010 20:53

Good luck.

ManiDeadi · 12/10/2010 21:08

Completely and wholly agree with what phipps said.

VampireMouseface · 13/10/2010 09:21

honestlynot

How did it go??

And, BTW, I meant 'DP' in my first post to you, not XH!! Doh!

Original poster

honestlynotatroll · 13/10/2010 10:02

Thank you all.

Well the update is that....i whimped out. I took myself to bed early and didn't even mention it.

I did however spend all night thinking it over.

The bottom line is that i'm not ready to call it a day. I don't want to.

Obviously we will need to address just how much he involves her in our life. I will (when i work out how without making myself sound like Glenn Close) talk to him about it and explain that whilst civility and even friendlyness is to be encouraged, i would prefer it if he would only make contact regarding the children.

I guess there is nothing i can do to stop how he feels about her.

Whilst i don't want to be second best i also have to realise that i am a 30 something with kids and my own history. I am asking for quite a lot to find someone without a history of their own too.

I have found someone i love and who says ( and i believe) he loves me.

I can hold my romantic ideals as law or i can be realistic.

depressing as that realisation is.

OP posts:

VampireMouseface · 13/10/2010 10:27

honestlynot - oh course they have a history, they were married and have children together.

That doesn't mean that you aren't important. He is with YOU now so he should behave accordingly. Surely you aren't holding him hostage there? He is free to leave shoule he choose to?

He has chosen to be with you, he needs to get his priorities right. Yes, his children are important and are a part of your lives, but his XW is not.

Civil is great, friends even but that has to be where the line is drawn.

It's never easy but he needs to know how his behaviour makes you feel. So talk to him.

Write it all down as you think of things so you don't miss anything out. Even if he says you are being pathetic, blowing it all out of proportion..... it is important to YOU and he needs to know.

How would he like it if the situation was reversed?

Original poster

honestlynotatroll · 13/10/2010 10:39

that's the thing. My ex is a total arse and we barely speak.

He will just use that to tell me that my idea of what a good relationship following a split should be is completely skewed.

The thing that i am having trouble with is that he can argue that each peice of "evidence" is perfectly reasonable.

It is only my feeling that he is still emotionally attached to her and he will simply deny that.

OP posts:

VampireMouseface · 13/10/2010 10:50

Of course he'll deny it, especially if it's true.

If that is the case then I guess you can only try to talk to him.

If his behaviour remains the same towards her and continues to upset you then I guess you have a much tougher call to make.........

ScaryFucker · 13/10/2010 14:10

^"he won't have anything to do with MN. he sneers whenever i mention it.

he thinks your al a load of hormonal men hating chore dodgers

he clearly bases this theory on me"^

this worries me too

love, sweeping this thing under the carpet won't make it go away < shrugs >

ScaryFucker · 13/10/2010 14:11

gah, what happened to my italics ?

ManiDeadi · 13/10/2010 15:09

I'm really gutted that you wimped out.

I've been in a similar situation to you and I know that if I hadn't spoken up about things, then we probably wouldn't be where we are today.

AF is right - sweeping it under the carpet will just cause a huge pile of dust - and one day when someone takes the carpet away, the dust will still be there....

FWIW, I don't think he is still in love with her. I just think that he doesn't want to lose the connection with her. I don't think you and he will ever have a proper relationship unless he severs the ties with her.

They do need to be able to stay in contact, but only really regarding contact/issues with the children.

BEAUTlFUL · 15/10/2010 01:33

"Whilst i don't want to be second best i also have to realise that i am a 30 something with kids and my own history. I am asking for quite a lot to find someone without a history of their own too."

Yeah, but there's history and history. This goes past baggage. Come on, they text each other every day, he doesn't want to marry you, he puts off all talk of the future...

You're only in your 30s. It sounds like you secretly worry that this man is your Last Chance. Sweetheart, there's no way that's true! There are lots of men out there, plenty who will go for a lovely single mum who's still young, and a golden handful who would fall in love with you and not give their ex a thought, let alone a daily text.

Let go of your fear. He is not the last man on earth. And the only way you could make him realise what he DOES have with you is by calmly and unemotioally taking it all away because it's not enough for you. And it's not. It's truly not.

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