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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I tell the OM?

35 replies

westie1969 · 12/10/2010 11:58

I would like opinions of whether you think it's right to tell the OM about his wifes affair. I found out that my partner was having an affair about 3 months ago. We are trying to work it out but I don't know what the truth is anymore.
Do you think it's right to tell the OM bout his wifes affair and do you think by talking to each other we can discover the real truth?

Thanks guys.

OP posts:

celticfairy101 · 12/10/2010 12:03

You seem not to still trust your partner which is the crux of the matter. Keep it in the family for now.

I think more information is needed. If you do suspect he's still seeing her then you should reassess the relationship and ask him to leave, either as a temporary measure or permanently.

Mummiehunnie · 12/10/2010 12:07

I agree you are focusing on other things to take your mind off your own problems. Having said that I would tell om about his unfaithfull wife, she is no doubt telling him lies and hurting him also, don't expect any thanks for it!

I don't think you will ever get the whole truth, I do think it may help you have the determination to either kick you man out or work on your relationship and put this behind you x

MsGee · 12/10/2010 12:23

No, no one will thank you and you run the risk of your partner having further contact with the OW. You risk causing hurt to an innocent party and he is unlikely to want a nice chat with you (sorry to be blunt).

The OW 'truth' about the affair is unlikely to be the same as your partners 'truth'.

Mummiehunnie · 12/10/2010 12:26

msgee, if he can't help himself re contact with ow, then it is a huge question as to is it worth trying to save the relationship?

Original poster

westie1969 · 12/10/2010 12:30

Thanks for the replies so far. I know deep down that I will never get the answers I'm looking for. I do wonder if this man has a right to know though. I know he's blissfully unaware ans from the information I have gathered his wifes affair with my OH may not be the first.

OP posts:

Mummiehunnie · 12/10/2010 12:32

if it helps you right now do it, there may be no thanks in it...

sometimes when you are hurting from being the injured party in an affair and feel a victim you want to lash out and hurt the other party, it may then make them feel like a victim and attempt to hurt you back, if you are ok about it do it!

FakePlasticTrees · 12/10/2010 12:35

Oh, he's not the other man, he's the husband of the OW (sorry, was getting confused).

Is your OH affair with OW common knowledge? I would say you don't tell, because if she's no longer part of your OH's life, then the state of their marriage is not your business. However, if he is someone you're likely to bump into, have to make polite converstaion with, whilst knowing your 'D'P has been shagging his wife, then I can see that would be a different matter.

And there's always the 'shooting the messager' risk - you might get the blame for ruining their marriage, rather than the OW.

zippy79 · 12/10/2010 12:37

I think that you should tell him. Your marriage has suffered as a result of their actions so why should she get away with it?

Original poster

westie1969 · 12/10/2010 12:38

MH - yes I'm still hurting but I wouldn't do this out of vengeance. When this all came out I asked the OW to tell her husband. She hasn't done it. What are the consequences for people like this. I've sat on it for 3 months and sometimes I think yes I'm going to do it then I think why would I want to hurt this man? I also think by telling him it might help him. Help him save his marriage or move on to bigger and better things.

OP posts:

MakingRisotto · 12/10/2010 12:43

Agree that techinically speaking, your marriage is not your business - even though it might feel like it now.

Is there part of you that wants to do it to get at him? Tempting as it may seem.

Furthermore - let's say you say something to him and his marriage breaks up, this would you be comfortable knowing that he was single again? It could get nasty. Would you be worried that he would try to restart things or cause even more trouble once he has nothing to lose.

MakingRisotto · 12/10/2010 12:44

Oh I'm confused, should read properly, sorry!

zippy79 · 12/10/2010 12:44

You would be doing him the best favour ever. If I was being cheated on it may hurt at first, but I would want to know so I could make a decision whether to leave or forgive my OH.

The husband of the OW is being taken for a ride. She was big enough to nick someones husband so she should face the consequences of her actions

PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker · 12/10/2010 12:44

I'd definitely tell.

abedelia · 12/10/2010 12:52

I'd tell also - this topic comes up here quite a bit, to be honest. But my view is always to get everything out in then open to allow everyone to make informed decisions about the future. If he knows and allows it, he won't care. If he doesn't know, he can maybe validate some of the feelings of something being wrong that occurred during it (or at times before, also).

Your H also has to face up to the other family's existence and cannot continue to view her H as some sort of nebulous non-person whom he shouldn't care about. It will also help for there to be two people making sure no contact is enforced. Again, if it isn't, you can see this and make a decision based on his actions (seeing as rightly at this early point, it is hard to trust his words).

swallowedAfly · 12/10/2010 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WowOoo · 12/10/2010 12:55

I can see why you would and I think I probably would. Not out of revenge, just openess and honesty for all.

kittya · 12/10/2010 12:58

I wouldnt. Its been three months why drag it all up? I bet you any money she will use it as a reason to get in touch with your husband and you will come out the bad one. Ive seen it happen before. Their affair could flair up again.

Are you sure its completely over anyway?

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 12/10/2010 12:59

I would.

follyfoot · 12/10/2010 13:00

No dont tell. Be very honest with yourself about what your motives are for wanting to do so.

I cant think of a single good reason to do it. It will hurt someone else, it wont stop your husband seeing this woman if he still is (which I have a feeling might be the motive), and once you've said it, it can never ever be taken back. I dont think it would even make you feel better in the longer term, and it certainly wouldnt stop your husband straying in the future.

Having been through this previously, I felt that when you cant walk away with anything else, you can at least walk away with your dignity. Keep quiet would be my advice.

Original poster

westie1969 · 12/10/2010 13:31

My motives are to be fair to the OH.
I told the OW when I found out about the affair the if she didn't tell him I would. I'm trying to get my life back on track. My husband has changed jobs, as he works with this women, changed his mobile numbee, deleted her numbers and we've done things that we think should be done. We have counselling and are trying to save our marriage. I think the OH needs to know so he can either move on or work at what is wrong with his relationship.
I do wrestle with how I'm going to do it though. I have the OH home number and address or do I do this in person?

OP posts:

TaudrieTattoo · 12/10/2010 13:41

My feeling is this.

You need to put your energy into your own marriage. You don't need to try to sort out the OW's as well.

If I were you I would really examine your motives very carefully about your reasons for telling this man.

For all you know, he might know already, either implicitly or explicitly. You have no idea what his reaction might be. Everything might blow up in your face.

You have enough on your plate already. You might be stirring up a huge hornet's nest, and if your husband has already made such a huge effort to put distance between himself and this other woman, why on earth reconnect with her, for any reason?

Leave well alone, look after yourself, perhaps look into counselling for yourself alone.

Good luck.

CheeseandGherkins · 12/10/2010 13:48

I would.

talleyrand · 12/10/2010 13:50

it's too late.

if you had told him at the start, when you found out yourself, then whether that was right or wrong it would have been understandable, and no one would have really criticised you.

telling him now, three months on, it looks like either

vindictiveness (you want to hurt someone)
insecurity (you don't believe the affair is over)

Not so good for you.

Also you and your husband are trying to move on, right? well raising now just rakes everything over again.

too late..

follyfoot · 12/10/2010 13:56

You dont have a duty (moral or in any other way) to be fair to the OH though and probably arent in a position to cool headedly judge what would be fair for him.

You think the OH needs to know? I'm assuming you dont know him as a close friend do you? If you do, then fair enough, you are in a position to maybe understand what he needs. If not, then sorry to be brutal, but its not for you to make a decision on what he needs, or to help him decide whether to move on or work on his relationship. Its entirely between him and his wife.

What tawdry says is spot on, put everything into your own marriage, not someone elses, it will give you the best chance of moving forward with or without your husband, and of finding long term happiness. And be really really honest with yourself about why you would do this and what you really want to achieve.

Best of luck

FakePlasticTrees · 12/10/2010 13:59

well, after your other post, there's more things to consider. Does your DH still work in the same company as OW or somewhere new all together? If he is still at the same company, is he in a senior role to her? (You don't want him losing his job over this - you will be blamed for that.)

Does your DH work in the sort of industry where everyone knows each other so that if this got out, it would reflect badly on his future career prospects? (If you are planning on staying with your DH, you don't want to be scuppering your own family finances)

The other woman's DH - is he the sort to blame her, or blame your DH? Is he the sort to turn up on your doorstep screaming the odds at your DH/turn violent/make sure the whole street knows your DH has been sleeping with someone else's wife?

Are you certain she hasn't told her DH? They could be dealing with this privately rather than having a showy split. Would people outside your close circle realise what's going on in your marriage or have you been putting a brave face on for the world?

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