Should I tell the OM?

[westie1969]

I would like opinions of whether you think it's right to tell the OM about his wifes affair. I found out that my partner was having an affair about 3 months ago. We are trying to work it out but I don't know what the truth is anymore.
Do you think it's right to tell the OM bout his wifes affair and do you think by talking to each other we can discover the real truth?

Thanks guys.

No I wouldn't for a couple of reasons.
I agreee with talleyrand.

Also he may know more than you think and has chosen to ignore things for whatever his reasons are.

You deal with your own marriage and butt out of other peoples'.

I can understand why you are angry but I don't think for one minute the OW has got off scott free. There are always repercussions somewhere even if you don't know what they are.

Besides which she has had 3 months to get a story straight in her head.

Leave it and look after yourself.

I would.

But have proof as she is obviously capable of lying well.

how exactly would you bring it up to him without looking silly?

I would keep well out of it.

As someone said upthread, her version of what happened will not be the same as your dh's. Even if they admit to the same facts, each will have put their own spin/motives on things to paint them in the best possible light. She may well tell her dh that your dh pursued her relentlessly, wore her down and in a moment of weakness she gave in. She may paint herself as the vulnerable victim and your dh as the ruthless seducer. I know only too well how, when you discover you've been betrayed, you want to blame the ow/om more than the person you love who is really the person who has done you harm. So, if it comes out of the blue to the ow's dh, he may well want to take revenge on your dh. This could take the form of violence. At the very least, he may want to talk to you and you might find yourself in a situation where you hear things about your dh that you don't want to know, or that aren't true but plant a seed of doubt in your mind about exactly what happened.

The scenario described by Fakeplastictrees is one I am sadly familiar with and I would urge caution unless you want a deranged and violent man outside your door. Just as, I suspect, part of you wants the ow's dh to know to make her suffer through him, he may have no qualms about making you suffer to get at your dh.

That's me with my sensible hat on. Of course I fully understand how there's nothing you'd like better than to spill the beans, and I'm very impressed that you've resisted so far.

I'd tell him.

Sorry. No mature explanation but if anyone went near my DP I'd kill her and ruin her life feel a moral obligation to tell her husband what has happened so he can make an informed decision about how to spend the rest of his life.

Oh, you cant do that three months after the event!!!

I just dont get how you could use 'moral obligation' as an excuse to interfere in someone else's (who as the OH is essentially innocent in all this) life. Its either about revenge or trying to make sure the OW keeps well away, its bugger all to do with moral obligation.

Poor OP but poor OH too

How do you know she definitely hasn't told him?

no way. Never

Crikey, I hadn't thought of the OH turning up on the doorstep wanting to belt the OP's DH!!

Another reason to keep your trap shut and look after yourself.