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Original poster

Q for those who have divorced or split from P - did you "know" it wouldn't work?

32 replies

RitaLynn · 12/10/2010 11:10

My very brief story is that I married XH 9 years ago, and divorced 2 years ago. However, before we married I had doubts (I knew he had a temper, but he had so many good points and I loved him), but I didn't listen.

My question is, if you've divorced, did you "know" when you married (or got together) it wouldn't work, or could the breakdown not have been predicted?

I ask this question because I wonder how good our "inner voices" are. I know, deep down, mine was right.

OP posts:
garageflower · 12/10/2010 11:32

I was with my long term ex for 8 years and had the inner voice from about 2 years into the relationship. I wish I had listened to it sooner rather than later but I didn't. Never got as far as getting married, fortunately.

I think the day it really got louder was when I overhead a girl telling her friend that she had got engaged and all about the proposal etc. She just sounded so happy and I knew that I really didn't ever want him to propose to me.

It's easy to ignore the inner voice but I think it's important not to.

kitkat2507 · 12/10/2010 12:05

I met my now XH when is was 17, I fell Pregnant with my first when I was 18, maried when I was 20 had my second when I was 21, I am now 27 and divorced.I moved away now live with the most amazing man in the world who loves the 2 girls like hs own, we have been together for 2 years and are expecting our first baby together I feel happier now then I have ever felt. My family disliked my XH from the day I met him, begged me not to marry him and in reality I wish I had listened they say love is blind and I totally believe this, I was young and believed because I had my gorgeous daughters no one else would ever want me. I have now seen the light and have never looked back from the day I threw my ar**hole XH and his suitcase onto the front lawn. well glad I got that off my chest!! lol

lollipopshoes · 12/10/2010 12:08

I remember about six months before the wedding crying all over an acquaintance who had called her wedding off, telling her that I wish I had her courage and how I would love to call the whole thing off but didn't dare.

I was tres drunk at the time and when I sobered up I thought it was just the drink talking.

With hindsight - in vino veritas and all that!

Chrysanthemum5 · 12/10/2010 12:10

I knew with my xH but he had damaged my confidence to the point where I didn't trust my instincts. With lovely now DH I knew it was right when I was looking forward to our wedding day rather than dreading it.

Original poster
RitaLynn · 12/10/2010 12:14

A lot of this confirming what I suspected, our "inner voice", or whatever we call it, is a pretty good judge of things. It was in mine.

OP posts:
CheerfulV · 12/10/2010 12:15

I never married my xP, but from the start, I had doubts. I knew it was wrong, and we should just be friends or something like that, but I pushed them away and tried to convince myself it would be okay.
So, yes - I did have the little inner voice, and I ignored it, something I will always regret.

merrywidow · 12/10/2010 12:41

i knew things weren't right within the first year and i left him. He pursued me and thats when I fell pregnant; somehow I thought we would work it out. The day we married He made me cry even before the ceremony. I should have known better as I didn't break free til he passed away - 14 years later. I often reflect upon my naive stupidity and blind faith in the impossible.

hindsight is a perfect science

merrywidow · 12/10/2010 12:43

Oh forgot to add - and my ability to flog decomposing horses.....

maktaitai · 12/10/2010 12:43

For me, the outer voice was more helpful - like friends looking gobsmacked when I told them about the relationship. My inner voice was unhelpful until 3 days after the wedding, when it started talking. I'd probably kept it quiet with food, tbh.

stillcrying · 12/10/2010 12:45

No, I had no idea until the day he walked out six weeks ago that we weren't going to be together forever. Shows what I know. Though apparently it now turns out that there were a fair number of people out there asking themselves what I was doing with him all these years - I am grateful they never said anything (I think...)

shimmerysilverghosty · 12/10/2010 12:54

I have had that inner voice in every relationship I have been in, always seen the issues that would cause the split in the end (and it wasn't always their fault either!). I have been married twice and lived with two others, guess I need to start listening to that voice.

garageflower · 12/10/2010 13:05

It's comforting to hear that other people have had this voice, and the general consensus seems to be to listen to it, no matter how painful it is to do so.

I don't think I ever realised just how painful my break-up was going to be. Well, more to the point, how painful it would be when he got someone else despite the fact that I didn't want him. After eight years of knowing he adored me, he's finally going to be adoring someone else.

Now I'm questioning my inner voice but this thread is re-assuring me I did do the right thing in leaving him.

PrettyFeckinVacant · 12/10/2010 13:34

I used to think people must know when it isn't right but, I had no idea that my (then) 14 yr marriage was in any way flawed until h told me about the ow that he was madly in love with.

In hindsight I now know that we were not compatible but that is the joy of hindsight Grin

garageflower · 12/10/2010 13:39

Yes, I really feel for anyone that didn't have the voice, but it broke down anyway.

It's why my ex was so hurt and upset. He believed I was 'the one' and says he always will, but now he knows I didn't share the same view.

follyfoot · 12/10/2010 16:26

Yeah I had it (right from the start) and no, I didnt listen to it. Not until 12 years later anyway. Still, I'm a great believer in getting there in the end, no matter how long it takes Grin

Shodan · 12/10/2010 16:37

Yes I had it too, with xh. I even remember thinking as I walked up the aisle "Well, I can always have an affair" (I didn't, btw!)

But, with no real friends around and a family who really didn't 'get involved' I felt I had to go through with it.

ItsGhoulAgain · 12/10/2010 17:44

Yes. Mine was SHOUTING "No!" but I lurrved him ... Now, I'd never dismiss anyone's doubts as cold feet / pre-wedding nerves. I'd give them as long as they needed to feel their real feelings.

Did any of you look at him and think "I don't like you" then push the thought away?

stillcrying · 12/10/2010 18:00

I did, on occasion, think "I don't like you". But I always loved him, and I assumed that that was part and parcel of a long marriage. I am starting to realise that the faults I knew he had (selfishness, arrogance) were not part of his charm but were in fact fundamental flaws. I can see that now, even after a short period of time.

BoneyBackJefferson · 12/10/2010 18:00

Friends new

I didn't until a year into the marriage

susiedaisy · 12/10/2010 19:26

Yes my inner voice told me early on but i loved him hugely, eventually realised it was not reciprocated, but wanted it to work, and have spent 17 years doing most of the trying and wishing for it to work, have decided now i cant carry on anymore and have recently confided in friends and family, and most of them had always been able to see it and have spent all these years wondering when i would hit my 'tipping point'

MadameCastafiore · 12/10/2010 19:29

I knew before I got married - knew walking down the aisle that I was making a huge mistake but thought it had all gone a bit too far - 11 years later and after a huge custody battle and the loss of lots of money I am remarried and knew from the moment I saw him that we were made for each other and it was right.

garageflower · 12/10/2010 21:14

Madame, that is a really happy ending.

I am really angry upset with myself for wasting so much of my young life with the 'wrong' person. The longer we were together the more I was determined I would have that happy ending with him but a massive issue was that I didn't want to sleep with him anymore or even be affectionate. We'd be great down the pub, or in a group of people but my heart would sink when it was time to be alone and I know he would want to be intimate.

I can't believe I was so stupid and scared to be alone, but I suppose I have to be relieved that at least I'm one step closer to being truly happy.

And yes - many times I thought 'I just don't like you'. Grrrrrrr.

ChasingSquirrels · 13/10/2010 14:44

I didn't.
We were together 16 years, he said he didn't love me any more and couldn't stay.
I was completely floored by it.
As was everyone who expressed an opinion about it to me.

gettingeasier · 13/10/2010 17:05

Hmm yes I realised at some level my xh didnt reciprocate my love either but didnt have the courage or esteem to walk away.

Fortunately, 17 years later, he did. I am so much happier now but do wonder how/when/if I will ever be with someone again Sad

Original poster
RitaLynn · 13/10/2010 17:11

Gettingeasier, that's a very sad story.

I've also had another thought. Are there people who had doubts when they met/married, but it worked out? (Can our negative instincts be wrong?)

(there must be 4 options

  • doubts - didn't work
  • doubts - did work
  • no doubts - did work
  • no doubts - didn't work)
OP posts:
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