Do you forgive and forget after a "sorry"?

[Beb]

Imagine your DP/H suddenly flipped over something minor. Something small like you didnt hear him because you were engrossed in the tv, and he flipped out, pulled the tv off the wall and screamed at you for ignoring him. Imagine you were subjected to a foul mouthed rant and called horrible things for about 5minutes.

You then walked away, and 10minutes later got a grovelling apology. Tears from him, the works. He just didnt know what came over him, he knows how wrong he was etc etc.

You've been together a number of years, and this is a rare occurance, so you won't leave him over it. He is generally a kind and wonderful man who you love. But do you forgive him now you've had a grovelling apology? Because in our situation, I'm still upset over what has happened, and don't want to talk to him at all at the moment, but I don't want the argument to escalate if it turns into him saying "I have already apologised, you know how bad I feel, why do you keep dragging it out?" etc.

If it's a rare occurrence I would wonder what prompted him to have such an extreme reaction.

And I don't think a simple 'sorry' is enough..eventually you will have to forgive, forget and move on, but he needs to be honest about why he flipped like that.

Nope, not at all. Ripping the TV off the wall?! I'd not want to be anywhere near him for a good long while tbh

I'd suggest your DP/H seeks out some anger management.

Only you know if you can forgive and forget.

has he shown behaviour like this before?

A rare occurrence? It's happened before then?

Very frightening for you. "Keep dragging it out?" Damn right you keep on talking about it. He sounds like he just wants to shovel it under the carpet.

But sometimes, sorry just isn't enough. Sorry also means not doing it again. He's done it again or something similar to what's happened in the past.

Sorry means finding ways to prevent it ever happening again. Anger management?

Perhaps he needs a fright too? Ask him to move out for a while. How do you know this won't happen again?

that is not just a quick shout is it ?

ripped the tv off the wall ?

he has said sorry...shown remorse...ok

words are cheap

what is he doing to ensure he never physically intimidates you like that ever again?

I am not surprised you are feeling uneasy, there is only a very short step to the tv being thrown at you

these things escalate ...have you noticed his temper getting worse over the last few years ?

You say a rare occurrence. I am sorry love, but once is too many times and I think he has a serious problem

sorry can't read properly. its happened before then

I would forgive but I suspect that a barrier of resentment would creep in.

In the 3+ years we have been together, I have seen behaviour resembling this just a handful of times, normally under the influence of alcohol. He has since cut down on his drinking massively, and barely drinks at all when he is around me, because I said I would leave if it continued. He really is a good man, and despite his faults, he would walk over hot coals if I told him that was necessary.

I wanted to suggest anger management, but that seems like a very extreme 'punishment', I suppose. Plus, no doubt, an expensive one, and as always, money is tight.

I can't really fathom what prompted him... he has been out of work for a while and feeling a bit low as we are living off my wage alone, and I think its really making him feel very emasculated to be 'living off me' so to speak. I can only imagine that when he was trying to talk to me, he saw it as I was ignoring him (I just genuinely didnt realise he was speaking to me, so engrossed in spooks was I!), and perhaps the notion of me ignoring him made him feel even less important?

I really want a few days apart to make it clear how upset I am, and how much I won't tolerate this behaviour, but then from his perspective, apart from apologise, there is nothing else he can do, so I'm not sure if me moving out for a few days would do any good apart from drag this whole incident out for longer IYSWIM?

Even if this was a rare occurance, an isolated incident, it would still scare the beejeezus out of me.

To expect that an apology, even a sincere apology, would mean an end to it seems naive at best. Did he really think you could just forget what he did?

in what universe is it ever ok to rip a tv off the wall ?

Jeremy Kyle-esque universe, that is where

not a way to live

Anger management is not punishment though, it is help for him to find out why he overreacted so massively.

It is not you punishing him, it is him seeking help.

No! Sorry would definatley not be enough for me in this situation. I would would be furious and having a frank discussion about his unacceptable behaviour - rare or not it is still totally unacceptable for a mature adult to behave in this way.

Agree with other posters, don't push it under the carpet and pretend it hasn't happened. Get him to deal with it head on anger management etc. Actions speak a lot louder than words.

I wanted to suggest anger management, but that seems like a very extreme 'punishment'

Shakes head

why not get him to move out for a few days? not unreasonable

I think it would be entirely rational to tell him that you are expecting him to see his GP to discuss his anger issues and also to be evaluated for depression.

You can get counselling on the NHS

I have had this with someone who blew up on me then wanted to do the whole discussion thing right away. I pointed out he'd had his catharsis and all that anger he'd felt was now sitting on me, so I was going to take my time to deal with it and get back to him. I think you're entitled to time to deal with it too.

On the apology, I would not accept an apology that was basically a way of just smoothing things over until next time (even if that's likely to be a really long way off). If he's really remorseful, he'll want to get to the bottom of why on earth he did it, and frankly he should be initiating some treatment for himself. Otherwise a pattern will develop of him expecting to be forgiven, which is another way of saying he is allowed to behave like this.

I do appreciate all your input, and it does make me despair when all the posts on a thread are telling the OP the same thing, and she just doesn't get it... but surely one incident of anger does not constituate anger issues? His previous problems were all to do with drink, which he is dealing with sufficiently on his own, without outside intervention, purely because he knows how important it is for him to deal with that if we are to have a healthy relationship.

My head is sort of saying, therefore, that anger management may be a bit extreme in this situation? Surely if he has proven in the past he is capable of controlling himself, I should give him one more chance before insisting on anger management?? I just think we'd just look a bit silly if we went to the GP to get him referred, and all I could tell them was one incident, when in the previous 3years he had been wonderful?

No, because like the person who only lets their racist feelings out when they're pissed, this anger is always in him and only sometimes "allowed out". He used to allow it out when he was drunk. Now he's not drunk anymore he's decided it's ok to allow it out anyway. I bet he doesn't blow up like this if someone annoys him in the jobcentre or the chemist. He's very angry and wants to take that anger out on someone, and there you are peacefully watching TV - he decides that it's ok to take it out on you.

I would be bricking it if DP acted like this, totally agree with SF - next time something will be thrown at your head.

By demanding that you forget about it, he is asking for permission to behave like this, basically.

I would think that it would take a while to work through actually, and if he truly is sorry and remorseful, he should be prepared to take things one day at a time and let you get over it, allow you to be upset with him and take it on the chin so to speak and give you some space if that is what you need.

Only you know if you can ever really forgive and forget. Even if you buried it for a time, what are the chances you have another argument and you would be scared of it happening again? Would you end up walking on eggshells incase it happened again? Everytime you had a bad patch, would it be 'there' in the back of your mind?

Generally yes. A genuine sorry usually make me forgive and forget. But if I had been frightened and upset as you had been I think I'd need some time.

I think you would also need to find out why it happened. I was prone to outbursts at everyone when I was suffering from anxiety and depression - I went to the GP and sorted it out. That is something he needs to address.

Someone asked would he flip out at the chemist etc...no probably not, home is the place where you can let things go a little. But if it happens in such an extreme fashion something needs to change.

Beb
One incident does not necessarily mean that he has anger issues, but the severity of the reaction (to a completely normal everyday situation) is worrying.

I agree with Eldritch. He has unloaded his anger, now he has to deal with the fall out.

Ok, if anger management is a step too far, I would at the very least want a frank and open discussion with him.

• why did he blow up like that?
• how is he feeling about being unemployed?
• is there any way that he could regain some self-esteem (connected to being out of work)
• what he can do in the event that he feels this anger rising in him again.

Also talk about practical matters. What kind of job does he do, and if it is proving difficult to get a job in that field, could he retrain?

so he has a lot of feelings about being out of work... that sent my exP into depression and violence.... it got worse and worse...he had had a few isolated outbursts over the years previous ...

so - you and him need to really address his feelings about being out of work, what can he do to address that, does he have a hhobby, sport, can he do voluntary work?

he needs to go to GP, have them go thru depression questionnaire with him etc.

and you need to know from him what his strategies are next time he feels angry.

the anger/violence isnt jsut depression tho - because he has displayed it before (under alcohol) it needs addressing separately as well.
(and even tho it wasnt aimed at you directly - it was meant to scare you adn get your attention - and it only takes a second for your head to be in the worng place when he lashes out/throws the tv etc....)

Having a husband who has suffered a serious bout of depression previously, have to say after reading about his outbust, it was my first thought too.

Could you get him to go to the GP just to talk through what has happened, and to have an assessment of his mental health? That would be a positive way for him to deal with what happened, and might also help you with moving forward in the relationship if that is what you want to do. That wouldnt be a punishment, which if he IS depressed/suffering from some other mental health issue would be entirely pointless anyway, but might offer some hope for him and you.

All the best