Do you forgive and forget after a "sorry"?

[Beb]

Imagine your DP/H suddenly flipped over something minor. Something small like you didnt hear him because you were engrossed in the tv, and he flipped out, pulled the tv off the wall and screamed at you for ignoring him. Imagine you were subjected to a foul mouthed rant and called horrible things for about 5minutes.

You then walked away, and 10minutes later got a grovelling apology. Tears from him, the works. He just didnt know what came over him, he knows how wrong he was etc etc.

You've been together a number of years, and this is a rare occurance, so you won't leave him over it. He is generally a kind and wonderful man who you love. But do you forgive him now you've had a grovelling apology? Because in our situation, I'm still upset over what has happened, and don't want to talk to him at all at the moment, but I don't want the argument to escalate if it turns into him saying "I have already apologised, you know how bad I feel, why do you keep dragging it out?" etc.

OP, you know when "those posters" tell us one thing, and then back-track when they get a unanimous response ??

You are doing it now

And you said this was a rare occurrence, suggesting it has happened before, and that you don't quite believe it won't happen again

So which is it...first offence or subsequent offence ?

You say he has a drink problem but is "dealing with it on his own"

he is failing

OP, what are your feelings about what happened? Has he asked you that?

Apologies can end up being all about the person apologising, I'm really sorry, I feel really bad etc and just give them more attention at the expense of the person they're supposed to be apologising to.

Where are you in all of this? Why not, when you talk about it with him, concentrate on how you felt when he did this and when (if) he's done similar things previously, and get him to do the same-acknowledge your feelings and talk about how his actions affect you.

That may be the acid test that reveals his thinking here. I do think remorse needs to be shown, not stated and if it is (by him listening to you first of all),the two of you will find a way forward.

Sorry to go on, but it just sounded from your last post as if for him all the onus is on you to fix this by forgiving and forgetting, and you accept that.

"Surely if he has proven in the past he is capable of controlling himself, I should give him one more chance "

he isnt capable tho is he? he showed you he is not capable - he lost it...or - he knew exactly what he was doing and did it on purpose. cant play it both ways....

you said yourself he is low about not having a job. he really needs to get that addressed.

get him some counselling about his self esteem. what doe he do all day? is he applying for jobs? retraining? looking after thedc? what?

I'm probably not explaining myself clearly, sorry. I'm saying this is the first occurence because its the first time I've ever seen him like this sober. I meant it as a 'rare' occurence, because it used to happen a while back when he was drinking, but hasn't happened since he curtailed his drinking. I sort of see this new 'non drinking' him as a 'new' him, and it hasn't happened with the new non-drinking him, if im making any sense at all.

His being out of work is only temporary, he broke his leg playing football a couple of weeks back and is out of work for another month approx, and he doesn't get sick pay, so him feeling reliant on me financially is only temporary. Its because this is such a temporary thing that I think I'm reluctant to see the doctor re: depression or anything - 99% of the time he is a perfectly happy, affable bloke. I guess all the stress he has been under regarding not working culminated in last night's tv throwing.

I emailed him to say 'sorry' was not enough this time, and I wanted time apart, and even though it seemed I was 'dragging the fight out' by not just accepting his apology, I was just ensuring it was not shovelled under the carpet, as I needed to make it clear how crucial it is nothing like this could happen again. Essentially, I just copied and pasted a lot of what you all said above re: sorry not always being enough, so thank you all for being eloquent enough to put it into words for me!

His reply was that he completely understands, and he is more apologetic than I could possibly explain to you all. I do feel he is listening and acknowledging my feelings. Thank you all so much for your advice.

good luck, beb x

you have obviously decided all will be well, and you know him best

I am just trying to imagine how only 2 weeks being laid up with a broken leg merits such out-of-control behaviour

and trying to picture how someone with a broken leg could wrench a tv off a wall

that is some anger response

I hope you make him pay for the TV...and yes i am serious about that.

Apart from scaring the shit out of you it is totally unacceptable to destroy other peoples property...he needs to face the consequences of such stupid dangerous behaviour

Have only read the OP but you'll be treading on eggshells for ages, particularly if this is out of ordinary for your DH.

You need to work out what's gone wrong with him - and in the meantime make yourself safe, whatever it takes. Ask him to leave and stay elsewhere for a while? Go and stay with a friend?

I couldn't be in the house if someone had lost it like that.

my dh has done some sorry shit over the years, and whilst sorry is the only thing they can say, its a long way from kissing my FUCKING arse for weeks. so no, a sorry and lets forget about it won't do.

a sorry and kiss my arse for weeks you sorry prick is the was to go.

i think time apart is a good idea.

OP I can understand that although angry, you don't want to blow things out of proportion. However, his behaviour was unacceptable and in this case sorry isn't an end to an apology, its the start.

His outburst is not about you, he has issues going on in his life which he needs to address and the only one who can do that is him. In light of his historical issues with alcohol, suggest he sees his GP who can refer him for counselling.

This kind of behaviour seldom disappears but often escalates, seize this as an opportunity to tackle the underlying problem/s.

Look after you, him and your relationship by
by demanding action not excuses.

Take care

it does sound like a one off. DP does mad things occasionally (hasn't ripped the TV off the wall but has broken things in frustration) most of the time it's alcohol related.

If he gets really random I just bugger off for a couple of days.

I know this sounds awful, but he's the most pessimistic of men ever, me being around only feeds that, and tbh he needs the kick up the arse when (once in a blue moon) he acts like an arse.

He's the most loving man I've ever met in my life. He will never hit me, this I am sure of. He is not abusive in any way shape or form, but his ridiculous work plus toddler madness plus my depression does, understandably, get on top of him at times.

[cans it. I'm oversharing all over the place tonught]

I think that as an adult he needs to be prepared, at the very least, to have the conversation about why this happened. An apology, in these circs. is just a way of stopping the conversation, IMO.

Good that he seems to be listening to you, but I also think he needs to talk.

... sorry - I say this because you are doing all the guesswork (probably accurate) about the reasons for this, but for him to manage his emotions better, he needs to voice them.

This may sound patronising, but I am currently working on this with my son! I used to be prone to fits of rage myself, and I never learned to manage it when I was a child.

He does sound like he's acting like a spoilt brat...

TVs would be treated with a lot more respect than this in a Jeremy Kyle-esque universe.

Words are cheap.

If he was really sorry, he wouldn't have done it in the first place.

Being unemployed can be a hard and fustrating time, as well as having to rely on someone else fincacially, it changes the dinamic of a relationship as one person is more in control than the other and the one at home feels inadequate. You both need to chat about what you can do to make sure this doesnt happen again. You dont need expensive councilling when good communication and a major injection of romance will do more good. try doing some of the things you did when you first met up, only keep it cheap or free so that he doesnt feel paid for.
Good Luck x