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Original poster

My Husband lied to me today and got caught out...how many more lies has he told?

41 replies

MyHusbandTellsMeLies · 11/10/2010 15:56

Today - My husband and I had an appointment, which I called my husband to remind him about 30mins or so before. He answered the phone and said he'd forgotton and wouldn't be able to make it - he was at a meeting at XXXXX (25miles or so away) and wouldn't make it in time..I asked could he be there in 15 mins or so - he said no.
My eldest dc was also coming along to this appointment (anual flu jabs) and meeting me there. I got there first - had my jab - explained to the nurse DH would not make it as he was delayed at a meeting - then in walks Dc and says - oh - just saw dad drive past with XXXX (work mate)....
I then realise he'd probably been at the bakery buying lunch - not stuck in traffic or at XXXX location. I was hopping mad - having made an excuse for him and rebooked his apppointment - and as soon as I got outsite called his mobile to tell him he was "busted"! I was so angry at the lie - I don't know why he told it - (apart from he didn't want the jab and wanted to get his lunch - which by the way he could have got after the jab).
He ignored my call - just let it keep ringing (he must have spotted dc - and realised he was "busted").
I rang again - ignored again. Texted him "call me urgently" - ignored.
I got home - called again - this time witholding my number - he answered straight away! Angry
I went somewhat mad - saying why had he lied - he was laughing - and his mate was laughing - and he said - "Oh but I was only at the bakery - why are you going crazy - you're mental".....
I told him to "f off - he shouldn't have lied - and not to bother coming home" - he continued laughing - I hung up. Sad
(background is we've been together for 10y - have 4DC neither of us have been unfaithful - as far as I know - but my previous husband - and previous bf before H was - and lots of lies - so lying really really unnerves me and brings up a lot of bad feelings from the past). Usually H is respectful - but sunday at the checkout at the supermarket he struck up a conversation (with the young female cashier) while I was packing bags and minding the kids - and they were giggling together - and looking at me). I took the kids and waited by the shop doorway - leaving him to finish packing and pay as I felt uncomfortable. He came out and said "Oh that was a laugh - I told her you were a shoplifter"!!! (WTF???) I wasn't privvy to the joke and felt put down and upset.
DH did not call me back after the phone call earlier.
I don't know what to do? This is so not "over" yet (the talk we need to have!).

Am I a bit mental? Or do you think (like I do) my husband is being hugely disrespectful?

Two options have crossed my mind - well three. 1) Pack his bags and have the locks changed. 2) Get a taxi to my mums (£400 - it's a LONG journey)... or 3) issue him with some "stupid tax" (buy some nice things to make me feel better)..
None of the above are very rational or grownup I suspect but I'm upset right now.

Have had enough fags to make me want to vom - (I don't smoke).

My hormones are all over the place - recently had a miscarriage (10w or so) followed by surgery. But I don't think this is why I'm so upset today. Just thought I'd throw that in there.

I have low self esteem and possibly a bit of a persecution complex (the latter my husband told me). Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
MyHusbandTellsMeLies · 11/10/2010 16:01

Oh - and as the title says - I'm now wondering how many more lies have there been - and were they "innocent" - he seems to have a nack for lying very "beleivably".
I really believed him - and it's really made me distrust him that this was a lie and there probably are more lies - but if they're not "important" lies - should they matter?
What if some ARE important lies? Like - he's been having an affair or something?

He works abroad a fair bit so will have the opportunity.

Do I need to check his phone now (well later)?

OP posts:
Pumpkinbummum · 11/10/2010 16:02

tbh although the lie would have pissed me off I would be more annoyed that he didn't answer the phone,
as he knew you were having flu jabs one of your dcs could have had a reaction etc and you were really trying to contact him,
he sounds abit immature & disrespectful imo

a serious conversation is needed I think

Hassled · 11/10/2010 16:06

I don't think this is marriage-breaking stuff but I do think you'd find it a hell of a lot easier to get past your trust issues if he didn't give you stuff to be mistrustful about. He needs to grow up a bit.

Would something like Relate help?

Original poster
MyHusbandTellsMeLies · 11/10/2010 16:09

I think we do need relate - and yes I think it was the not answering calls that really got me to boiling point.
Initially the call was going to be - "your busted" - but not answering - seems to have been very deliberate.
I did bring this up with him when I got him to answer by witholding the number - but he then started telling me he HAD called me back - but he absolutely hadn't and I can show him my call log that proves that...I don't think he was "muddled" - just trying to deflect my accusation!!!
Yes a serious talk is needed.

OP posts:
PandaEis · 11/10/2010 16:09

hi.

TBH i think you may have overreacted a little but your DH is not a child and shouldnt lie to wriggle out of getting a needleHmm my DH would most likely do this aswell...and get caught! he is rubbish a lying and i can usually tell (even on the phone) when he is telling a lie!
i suspect that your hormones may be not too steady (so sorry about your MC btwSad i had one at 9weeks in julySad) and everything seems alot worse when under hormonal stress sadly! i think you need to have a talk to your DH and find out why he is acting so childish...especially with regards to putting you down infront of random young cashiers and upsetting youSad
he needs a kick in the balls arse if nothing else!

wastingaway · 11/10/2010 16:26

Ooh, sounds like he's trying to make you doubt your sanity there OP, telling you he called you back and that you've got a persecution complex. Sad

stubbornhubby · 11/10/2010 16:30

OK - is he allowed to make his own decision about having a flu jab or (shrewd guess) do you force him to have it whether he wants to or not.

if you are laying down the law on this then it's a natural male reaction to quietly agree ... and then at the last minute not turn up, and invent a quick excuse.

wastingaway · 11/10/2010 16:32

natural male reaction to lie?

phipps · 11/10/2010 16:34

If he didn't want the jab, why book for it? You are not his mother so don't make excuses for him nor organise a new appointment. The not answering is really not on when you have children as there could have been a real problem.

You need to speak calmly to him, explain why he was out of order and he owes you a big apology.

Laughing with a young shop assistant at your expense is totally out of order and disrespectful.

stubbornhubby · 11/10/2010 16:39

I think if you are facing a flu jab, and subject to (I am guessing here) an immovable no-arguments mandatory order from your DW..
. then inventing a fictitious traffic jam 25 miles away is not unreasonable.

yes, when he realised he was rumbled he should have fessed up - but he probably panicked.

wastingaway · 11/10/2010 16:43

It's not just that one lie though SH, it's the gaslighting and laughing at her.

nbyet · 11/10/2010 16:43

I think you're overreacting. This is understandable given your recent mc Sad and problems with your exes. But I don't think packing his bags or you leaving is called for.

Perhaps you could just do something to calm yourself down, like have a cup of tea and watch something soothing on TV (like Friends) and when he comes home, calmly explain to him that you don't like it when he lies to you, and whilst it might seem a trivial matter to him, it's the lying, and the laughing with his mate about it that upsets you, not the fact that he didn't turn up for his jab.

I also don't think you need to worry about him having an affair. That would seem to be a case of 2+2=5, unless you have other reasons to think this. And as for the incident with the cashier, I don't think that was disrespectful, I think he was just making a joke and including you in it. I certainly don't think he was 'putting you down'.

Don't mean to sound unsympathetic, I just think you are understandably hormonal, and I am trying to give you an objective opinion.

DuelingFanjo · 11/10/2010 16:45

I think you are over-reacting somewhat to be honest.

RumourOfAHurricane · 11/10/2010 16:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

VivaLeBeaver · 11/10/2010 16:55

I think you've overreacted as well. He's an adult, he can choose whether or not he has a flu jab and instead he feels he has to lie to you to get out of having one. Does he feel forced by you into having it?

Xales · 11/10/2010 17:09

I don't think you have over reacted.

Not only did he lie to you, he then refused to take your calls, laughed at you with his work mates as if it was all a joke and then lied yet again to say he had called you back.

Maybe you are not his mother and it is not down to you to sort his flu jab but he has been completely disrespectful and insulting to you and to an NHS service that is over stretched and someone else could have made real use of an appointment that he wasted.

deste · 11/10/2010 17:10

I agree with the people on here who say that you should not be making appointments for him. You are not his mother, I suspect you make his dental appontments as well. Pass all resposibility back to him. If he doesn't or wont do it himself then thats his problem and if he asks you to do it, dont.

VivaLeBeaver · 11/10/2010 17:13

He maybe laughed with his work mates as he was totally embarrassed at being told off infront of them.

wastingaway · 11/10/2010 17:16

Yes, definitely stop making his appointments, including ones he asks you to do, don't buy cards for his side of the family, or do any paperwork type stuff that's in his name etc.

Original poster
MyHusbandTellsMeLies · 11/10/2010 17:20

Yes - he does feel pushed into having the flu jab - I make the families appointment every year and he usually goes along to shut me up!

He doesn't like needles.

I told him of the app over 2 weeks ago - and he's had plenty of time to cance himself, I think he had intended to go - then forgot and faced with a last minute reminder decided not go ahead - he wasn't prepared!

I've more issue about the laughing with his mate about lying (and getting away with it initially), then laughing at me when I eventually got hold of him on the phone and not taking me seriously.

I don't like him making fun of me - and not in public.

Perhaps I deserve it though - because of my overreaction. I still don't like it though! Sad

I won't make him anymore appointments. Nor will I chase up the blood tests his dr requests him to have anymore either....so I guess his health is now going to deteriorate - and he won't be allowed his prescription drugs because of not having the bloods done - but as he's a grown up he'll have to live with the consequences. Which are going to be painful for him.

Still, this is how he lived before I met him....

He's going on a long-haul flight in a few weeks so I hoped he'd have his jab before that (what with them recirculating air in the cabin on longhaul flights and the possibility he could catch flu in that scenario). I also made sure he had travel insurance (he didn't!) as he has an underlying illness that could cost ££££'s if he needed to be hospitilized while abroad (not in the eec).

I guess I should just stay out of these things - it is his life.

OP posts:
Miggsie · 11/10/2010 17:21

If you truly have low self esteem and a persecution complex (which I doubt) then it won't get any better living with someone who treats you like this.

As you are thinking of quitting the marriage over this, it suggests there has been a long line of stuff that has slowly been upsetting you and pissing you off?

VivaLeBeaver · 11/10/2010 17:23

My DH is 2 years overdue for his cholesteral check, he had raised levels at the last check and should have it done yearly. I'm not going to nag him to have it done even though he could have a stroke/heart attack/die if he has raised levels that are untreated. He needs to take responsibility for his own health.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 11/10/2010 17:25

Stop being his Mother and start being his wife.

colditz · 11/10/2010 17:27

I can't tell whether or not you are being sarcastic, but YES you SHOULD stay out of it, it is his life.

Honestly, if this is the extent to which you control his movements, if this is normal behavior to you, I wouldn't blame him for lying. You sound possessed!

wastingaway · 11/10/2010 17:28

It's common in our society for wives to do all the diary/reminders etc. in effect becoming a new mum.
You don't have to keep doing it though.

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