My Husband lied to me today and got caught out...how many more lies has he told?

[MyHusbandTellsMeLies]

Today - My husband and I had an appointment, which I called my husband to remind him about 30mins or so before. He answered the phone and said he'd forgotton and wouldn't be able to make it - he was at a meeting at XXXXX (25miles or so away) and wouldn't make it in time..I asked could he be there in 15 mins or so - he said no.
My eldest dc was also coming along to this appointment (anual flu jabs) and meeting me there. I got there first - had my jab - explained to the nurse DH would not make it as he was delayed at a meeting - then in walks Dc and says - oh - just saw dad drive past with XXXX (work mate)....
I then realise he'd probably been at the bakery buying lunch - not stuck in traffic or at XXXX location. I was hopping mad - having made an excuse for him and rebooked his apppointment - and as soon as I got outsite called his mobile to tell him he was "busted"! I was so angry at the lie - I don't know why he told it - (apart from he didn't want the jab and wanted to get his lunch - which by the way he could have got after the jab).
He ignored my call - just let it keep ringing (he must have spotted dc - and realised he was "busted").
I rang again - ignored again. Texted him "call me urgently" - ignored.
I got home - called again - this time witholding my number - he answered straight away!
I went somewhat mad - saying why had he lied - he was laughing - and his mate was laughing - and he said - "Oh but I was only at the bakery - why are you going crazy - you're mental".....
I told him to "f off - he shouldn't have lied - and not to bother coming home" - he continued laughing - I hung up.
(background is we've been together for 10y - have 4DC neither of us have been unfaithful - as far as I know - but my previous husband - and previous bf before H was - and lots of lies - so lying really really unnerves me and brings up a lot of bad feelings from the past). Usually H is respectful - but sunday at the checkout at the supermarket he struck up a conversation (with the young female cashier) while I was packing bags and minding the kids - and they were giggling together - and looking at me). I took the kids and waited by the shop doorway - leaving him to finish packing and pay as I felt uncomfortable. He came out and said "Oh that was a laugh - I told her you were a shoplifter"!!! (WTF???) I wasn't privvy to the joke and felt put down and upset.
DH did not call me back after the phone call earlier.
I don't know what to do? This is so not "over" yet (the talk we need to have!).

Am I a bit mental? Or do you think (like I do) my husband is being hugely disrespectful?

Two options have crossed my mind - well three. 1) Pack his bags and have the locks changed. 2) Get a taxi to my mums (£400 - it's a LONG journey)... or 3) issue him with some "stupid tax" (buy some nice things to make me feel better)..
None of the above are very rational or grownup I suspect but I'm upset right now.

Have had enough fags to make me want to vom - (I don't smoke).

My hormones are all over the place - recently had a miscarriage (10w or so) followed by surgery. But I don't think this is why I'm so upset today. Just thought I'd throw that in there.

I have low self esteem and possibly a bit of a persecution complex (the latter my husband told me).

I think he's acting like a twat and would be pissed off with him for lying. But then he should man up and tell you that he doesn't want the jab and if you don't like it - tough.

"I don't like him making fun of me - and not in public."

Are you referring to the shop assistant? In which case I don't think this is him making fun of you. He wasn't singleing out one of your features and teasing you about it, he made a joke about something which was obviously not true. That's just a joke, he wasn't picking on you. If you had been wearing a hat he thought was funny for example, and made a joke about it to her, that would be making fun of you. Or if he made a joke about your hair, or clothes. But he was just joking about something irrelevant and clearly not true. I think you sound a bit over-sensitive love.

Yes. Not this latest bit - just stuff that's been upsetting me a long time... bit by bit.

He can be very controlling.

I usually don't shop with him anymore because I feel ashamed and upset the way he talks to me in the supermarket. Everything I put in the cart is questioned or wrong (wrong bananas from wrong continent - wrong brand of bread - wrong margarine - wrong bacon blah blah) - and has to be another brand or something different to what I chose, or has to be put back because it's not what he chose. sounds so trivial - but I can't do anything right.

Now when he starts a row - and says why do you do it this way or that way - or whatever he's questioning me on - I just tell him it's because I'm really stupid and crap at everything and perhaps he should have got to know me better before he bred with me or married me.

I can stick up for myself - but doing that constantly during a shopping trip is quite wearing - and I just don't see why I need to.

I'm feeling very negative and sad still right now. So I'm not telling you the good bits here you understand! There are some - when I remember them I'll write them down!

colditz you could be right.

I need to let go of some of his responsibilites and let him carry on with them his way.

No - I think I was being a teeny bit sarcastic.....but I also know it's right.

If he had said outright he didn't want the appointment - I would have moaned a bit - but I would have not made the appointment. I guess knowing he doesn't like jabs and wouldn't have done it for himself - I was wrong to make his appointment for him. I've been too "motherly"!

There are a lot of issues going on here, I think maybe you should book an appointment at Relate to discuss things together.

You obviously have busy lives with 4DCs etc. The lying is an issue, after my DH's affair I will not tolerate any "low level" lying now as it can easily turn into lying about big eg if it is easy tell little lies, it doesn't take a lot of justification to tell the big ones IYSWIM.

I also had "controlling" issues but only because my DH would not take responsibility for anything - this was pointed out to him in therapy, he had never grown up etc. So basically the more he started taking control of the things he should have been taking care of, the less controlling I became if that makes sense. It was also to do with my issues with security/insecurity.

You both probably need lessons in communicating and both your behaviours need addressing - "your relationship dance".

My DH makes all his appointments now and organises his own diary

Good luck.

nybet - yes I am very sensitive. Probably oversensitive.

H also knows this - as he's pointed out "I have a persecution complex".

Yes we need relate for definate! I will look them up and book an appointment.

DH is perfectly capable of making appointments - he normally does for most matters - but he sticks his head in the sand when it comes to medical appoinments. To the detriment of his own health and has had to have surgery and be hospitilised in the past because of this.

I know the lying was "low level" - it just triggered a huge reaction - along with the not answering the phone which just pushed my buttons even more. The low level lying sparking me off so bad was undoubtedly to do with my past not my husband himself.

I did overreact.

Will get the kids to bed early and have a talk with him.

You probably do have a persecution complex - anyone would if they're criticised to the extent he criticises you when you go shopping. My DH has a tendancy to criticise/undermine me a bit, I don't think he realises he does it. He does it to my mum as well. Then he accuses me of being too defensive/sensitive. Sounds like your DH is a bit the same. I hope he agrees to go to counselling.

Just wondering why you are all having flu jabs? Is someone in the family in a high risk category? If so, then very selfish to put them at risk but if not...why is it necessary?

I think you have overreacted TBH.

He did lie but maybe because you never take no for an answer? My DH has forged a particular vaccination cert for a particular country (it's not a required vacc because of inf, simply because of beaurocracy - AWA) because he is sooo frightened of needles. It's not something he's proud of and I wouldn't recommend this but it is a fact. If I made an appointment for him to have the flu jab he would simply refuse but then our relationship dynamic sounds very different.

I think you need to have a serious talk and maybe relationship counselling.

You need to back off and let him grow up. He needs to realise that in backing off he may lose some benefits as well as gain some freedom and that he should step up to the mark on those lost benefits (eg the travel ins).

He needs to understand that lying in any way is unnacceptable, and you need to back off a bit and let him make some of his own decisions.

Oh, and the undermining at the supermarket with the cashier? Lighten up. It was a joke. Not sure what you do about the brand disagreement though. Leave him at home?

I don't understand about three-quarters of the responses to this thread - mainly, I must add, from posters I have great respect for and usually agree with. I'd be livid with anyone over the age of 10 or so for such a stupid, transparent, pointless lie and cowardly avoidance tactics. Lying is a big deal in relationships. I'm not surprised the OP got upset at him laughing at her with other people, either, as it seems to be of a piece with his general attitude towards her, ie a total lack of respect. Maybe over-sensitive in the shop case, though understandable (assuming he wasn't lying about what they were discussing, how could one trust him on that?), but I'd have been totally furious at being laughed at by his friend as well as him when he had been such an irresponsible prick. And what a brilliant example to the DCs eh!

I also think if she still loves this idiot, as one does, and he has this terribly cavalier attitude towards his own health, it's quite understandable that she has tried to take control of this aspect of his life, since he has shown that he won't. He has had to be hospitalised because of this... phobia? That isn't just his choice, it impacts on the whole family. And if you care about someone you don't just let them die, or do you? I don't think I could. Where is the line between caring and controlling? "You're not his mum" is undeniably true, but it's also a trifle callous.

That said, a heavy dose of couples counselling probably would be very beneficial. I do agree they seem to be stuck in an unhealthy parent-child dynamic in which the DH is behaving like a naughty toddler in reaction to being controlled, whilst the DW can't see any way out of controlling him in case he does something silly. So he does something more silly. Someone or something has to break through this and help them find a more adult-to-adult way of relating.

My first thought is that he is behaving like a 12 yr old.
I would not be able to have a relationship like this - I just wouldn't.

I don't think the things you suggested as ways of dealing with this incident are 'good' - I think you'd be inviting him to look down on you for behaving in a retaliatory way (and please, getting him to buy you things to make up for it, it's a bit like feminism never happened).

It sounds like there are years and years of niggles and problems to work through. The supermarket trolley scenario is like a young, young teenager trying to assert himself. He might well need to assert himself in some way, maybe he is the one who's desperately insecure for whatever reason, but that shouldn't be done via his partner, that's just a sad way to be and a sad way to live.

Would he go to Relate?

I have met a couple where the man had serious health issues that he ignores to the point of serious hospitalisation and the woman feels bound to take over a carer role, because she loves him, because the guy seems to be incapable of enunciating or even recognising why they are being so irresponsible, and because it's hard for her to see anybody deliberately wrecking their health without stepping in.

I don't know what the answer is about that, suspect it's something about simply not wanting to accept your life has limits/responsibilities and thus making somebody else responsible for the illness.

Given that, and the fact the OP has had a recent miscarriage and that doesn't seem to be in her partner's frame of reference (surely he could be behaving a bit more kindly and more helpful to her?), I think this incident isn't a 'little' thing but indicative of bigger issues on both sides that are interlinked. It sounds as if they are both freewheeling on with these issues getting bigger and bigger and some kind of counselling will be important.

I think you have a very unhealthy dynamic in your relationship, your husband is acting in an infantile way whilst cosntantly criticsing you...does he really feel he needs to criticise your shopping? Stop shopping with him.

He also sounds controlling and you may need to read: this to see if he has any of the behaviours discussed.

If he insists it is all your fault Relate might be a problem, he doesn't want to take responsibility for himself. If he gets ill or dies you will left a widow with young children, this is a big worry and you need to point that out to you.