Kind of swinging!!!

[nickname2]

My partner has recently itimated that he would like to fulfill a fantasy of having some oral connections IFYSWIM !! with another bloke. He swears hes not gay and I believe him he likes women too much!!

Anyway we had this discussion and I was kind of up for it, so that he wasnt missing out on anything he really wanted to try. I felt we could maybe meet a guy who was bi and they could do the oral stuff and I would watch etc. Hes adamant that he doesnt want penetrative sex with a bloke, just oral.

My question is... Is this going to open up a can of worms so to speak? Am I letting myself in for alot of trouble and heartach? Im sure I probably know the answer to this, but need some prospective from you guys please.

How do you know? Well if your initial reaction isn't horror or disgust, then try it. Just know that nothing will be the same after it, because if he is using this as an excuse to find out whether not he is comfortable being 'gay' in a sexual sense, then you have to be prepared for him to come to you one day and say "I can't be with you any more, I prefer cock".

How would you feel watching him taking it up the arse? Genuine question. It will reach that level at one point. If you don't think you could go that far, then personally, I'd tell him to go and explore without you.

A straight, monogamous relationship is no place to explore your sexuality imo.

SGB we are oxfordshire/bucks borders

my initial reaction wasnt horror. thats what worries me!

Look, you're two curious and consenting adults, if you want to try it, then try it. Set some clear boundaries, be completely open with each other about how it made you feel, and go from there. Just don't go into this thinking that this alone will satisfy his curiosity, because chances are it won't.

nickname2, I would ignore the shock/horror being directed at you from many of the posters and at least celebrate the fact that your DP can be honest with you about this.

Only you know if this is something you can handle. The most important thing is that you and your DP keep talking to each other about it - and that you MUST tell him the minute you start to get uncomfortable or feel unhappy.

I actually think this kind of honesty in a relationship is really healthy. So what if he's not 100% heterosexual... He's talking to you about it and that's what counts. As long as he's going to respect what you want too, then keep talking and make the decision that YOU feel comfortable with.

Good luck!

We will have to definitely have further discussions and boundaries would have to be set. I dont want this to ruin an otherwise great relationship. I am curious as to what else we can bring to our sexual relationship, im a great believer in keeping things alive and when this came up I wasnt horrified and running away.
Has anyone else ever done anything like this?

thanks MabelMay, that was a really helpful post. Im not immature and I know what I want and dont want and I have already told him. We are still talking about it and how it would work etc, It may not even come to it, we may not be able to agree on how it would work. He has never been anything but honest with me and is a very open person about this sort of thing. No secrets!!

Well, I am neither shocked nor horrified but I am concerned that it's being minimised - it's important that the OP realises that her partner is bi or gay and not try to minimise it as 'exploring his feminine side'.

If they are talking to each other in those terms then they are treating it as something either wrong or minimising their genuine sexual feelings.

Repressing what he feels can lead to feelings of shame and secrecy - I urge the OP to talk to her partner in more explicit terms (particularly to keep her safe from sexaully transmitted diseases) as if her partner is ashamed then he may sexually experiment without telling her.

What Laurie said.

I am not shocked/horrified/disgusted etc.

But, imo, this has nothing to do with his feminine side.

There are a few couples who swing both ways on the Lovehoney forums - it's not a pick up site and you will get good, honest advice on there.
Unless you want to get into having sex with others, having one partner who does it is bound to upset the balance in a relationship, I known there of plenty of men who are into the hotwife thing, tbh I've not ever seen anything about women who get off purely on watching their men have sex with others.
I agree with the others who say it wouldn't end with oral, you have to think of the health risks (to you) if he starts having sex with men, even oral with a condom has risks.

Laurie and Geek - How do you know its not exploring his feminine side?

Difficult one. I, personally don't think this has anything to do with you OP. If he wants to get his rocks off sucking another man's cock, you are going to be sitting on the sidelines feeling pretty left out. Or is he hoping to have a powerplay of two people blowing him?

Either way it's not great for you, what are you meant to be doing while this is going on, sudoku?

I second SGB's suggestion to try a swingers club, rather than just picking someone up, that way everyone knows where they stand. From what I've learned, things like this rely on continious open and honest communication, and clear boundary setting. Even if you never go through with it, you are clearly enjoying talking about the fantasy together, which can be just as fun!

There is no reason why this has to go horribly wrong and lead to him 'turning gay' and leaving you as some have suggested. Many people's sexualities exist on a spectrum and aren't either/or. And it is ridiculous to suggest that he will inevitably need to progress to anal penetration with a male partner (god forbid!). Many gay men never participate in this act, and he's said he's not interested. Even if he was in the future, it won't 'turn him to the dark side' as has been suggested (!)

Attraction to men in a sexual way has nothing to do with being female - that's why.

Just thought I would add a little anecdote here. A couple I know got involved in a menage a trois with another woman (single) who worked for him. All consenting with the man especially enthusiastic.

Turns out that his wife falls for the other woman...talk about the wrong script! eg: you would have expected the tired old cliche of the husband running off with the single woman, not the wife.

Long saga ending up with the wife coming out, eventually, as completely gay, not even bi.

Just be aware that you are opening up a pandora's box here (probably inappropriate expression....!)If you are completely happy to take the risk, and the possible consequences (eg: possibly eventually splitting up, with all the trauma involved with children etc) then try it.

Whenever friends ask me about any kind of situation involving sexual experimentation with a third party, I always take the view that, yes, consenting adults can do anything that is legal, but they have to be able to cope with the consequences.

thanks Mal - we are struggling to know where to look for advice and find out others experiences.

There are certainly lots of places where you will be able to find other people who have experimented along these lines. It doesn;t 'always end in tears'. It might - but also, if you put your foot down and insist he doesn't do it, there may come a point where he decides to leave you anyway. This doesn't mean that you have to accept him wanting to experiment if the idea horrifies you, just that there are no guarantees that you refusing to entertain the idea will mean that he gives up on it.
FWIW quite a few nominally heterosexual people experiment or fantasize about sexual activity with their own sex but do not consider themselves gay or even really bi. Sexuality is a far more diverse thing than the heteromonogamy cult would have you believe, and as long as everyone involved is a consenting adult and does their best to be considerate and honest with everyone else, it's perfectly possible to accomidate a bit of bi fun in a relationship.

SGB - thats what it is, its experimenting isnt it? Its like anything - you dont know till you try!!
He is so open and honest and has said that if I dont want any part of it, then he will put it to the back of his mind and keep it as a fantasy and I believe he will. But its his fantasy and we are curious and I want to be able to let him find out without it breaking our relationship. the question is how do we do that?
Swinging clubs is sounding like a better option than what we had originally thought of which was to post on a site looking for another bi-curious male.

The great thing with swinging clubs is that you don't have to do anything you dont want to. Also, though you usually have to provide some ID at the door, you don't have to tell other people your address or phone number if you would rather not and you are meeting people straight away rather than trying to judge if the photo they've sent you is 20 years old or of their good-looking mate rather than their unappealing self...

thanks SGB. Our area is Oxon/Bucks, Any ideas of clubs in those areas?

Nickname: Sadly there doesn;t seem to be anything in the Oxon area (I had a rummage around and found a club listed on SH but its website has closed down - SH are crap at updating and a lot of their links have expired). Mind you, many people prefer, at least for their initial ventures onto the scene, to go somewhere that's a bit of a distance away from home so they are less likely to run into the neighbours/bloke from the betting shop/their dentist. WHat are the chances of you and your H getting a weekend break together and leaving DC with grandparents or something?

Yes that is a possibility. And you are right we wouldnt want to be in this area, definitely need to go away for this!!

I have no experience of your specific situation but it's great that you & DP are able to talk about it.
If iut helps, I'd strongly recommend a swinging club.
I went to one (am in North so cannot offer advice about your location) a few years ago, before I met DP and it was a very good experience. Good clubs will be frequented by people who are there for sex not love or relationship wrecking and who respect everyone else's wishes. No means no always and generally members would lynch anyone who got stupidly drunk or disrespectful.

As with more or less everything in life there are no guarantees and there is a risk, as others have pointed out, but there are also couples out there whose re;lationship has benefited from this sort of thing. Each to ther own and no one should judge. Be realistic and honest and if it feels right, good luck.

go for it

just make sure you come back and tell us alllll about it

If your husband want to suck another man's cock, or have another man suck his cock - he is gay, or at least bi-sexual.

It's really that simple.

I am not being homophobic, and if you really don't mind then fair enough - but he is NOT straight and this is not part of a heterosexual marriage.