What do you do when there's one huge repetitive obstacle in an otherwise perfect relationship?

[vixen1]

Hi all,

I've been with my husband for 10 years, since I was 18. I love him, I love our family and I love our home. He's an amazing dad, we get on really well and have a great sex life...

However...

We have massive arguments at least once a week which are making us both miserable and question our suitability for each other.

I'm going to put my side forward as that's all I can do. I know he probably has a different story to tell but that's half my worry, I don't think either one of us is right or wrong just that we might not be very well suited.

I feel as though he always disagrees with the way I conduct my personal life (for want of a better phrase) and he is unable to accept that I am different from him and as such I like to do things in a different way.

For example one of our latest HUGE arguments was centered around the fact that I prefer to text my friends rather than speak on the phone. [Bear in mind that he KNOWS this about me because we have had this very same conversation/argument in excess of 5 times over the years] He told me that I should phone because that's what "normal people" do. I explained my reasons for preferring to text and he then starts to appear moody saying "For God's sake here we go again, arguing on a weekend. Your trouble is that you won't ever take help from anybody, just like that time at your mother's... blah blah blah" He says all this in a very angry way and it escalates from there.

This always makes me mad because it doesn't have to be an argument!!! I try really hard not to react although it's REALLY difficult. Even if I manage it he sulks for the rest of the day and usually brings it up later - I end up feeling like he's sparring for a fight. It always ends badly We try really hard not to argue in front of the boys but I'm ashamed to say that's not always been the case. Even if we manage not to there's an almost tangiable atmosphere... I don't want my boys to have to grow up in that environment.

Let me just make it clear, I know it all sounds very trivial but that was just an example. From my point of view he's always telling me to find a hobby, do my finances differently, phone Anna or go for riding lessons. It's not that I mind these suggestions but what I do mond is the massive one sided argument which ensues should I choose not to do what he suggests.

I also want to make it clear that these "suggestions" are unsolicited. I'm perfectly happy with my life and never make any complaints that would warrant his kind of frustration. I feel like he just wants me to be a different person sometimes.

My feeling is that he's generally dissatisfied with his life. He's always complaining that we don't organise our social life well enough (even though I really do go out of my way to do so, I can't do any more). He's also always complaining that he doesn't get enough time down the gym/playing tennis. I know that he's quite likely projecting his dissatisfaction on to me hence the constant "suggestions" about how I could improve my life. But to be honest after trying to deal with this for 10 years I feel it's finally getting the better of us. It's damaging my self esteem and I'm worried about any lasting effect our constant arguments might have on our boys .

It doesn't help that I work shifts, it makes our life incredibly complicated. It's another thing he's always angry about. I know he's not angry at me as such but I'm sick of it always being thrown in my direction.

Thank you so much for reading... what do you think, honestly?

We've tried talking and talking and talking, it gets us nowhere. Everything I've said on this post I have said to him but to no avail. We want to try relationship counselling but we have no babysitters at all... help

You recent posts are making me feel sad. You said you think he doesn't want you (who you are): I think he wants someone less opinionated (not that I am particularly, but I think he'd prefer someone with no real opinions), quieter, lots of hobbies, someone who's best mates with all his friend's wives and someone who doesn't have a real career
Ah, you mean an invisible, obedient woman with no personality or life? A blow-up doll, perhaps, with domestic appliances attached?

Funny, that's exactly what I used to feel X#2 wanted.

ItsGhoulsAgain - That first link was very close to home... contering, discounting, confusion, denying a conversation ever happened... the list goes on and they're all things I can identify with. What's worse is that, having put up with it for so many years, I can now see a couple of these things in me like calling him names whilst arguing. It makes me so sad because it's really out of character for me but recently I've been trying to fight fire with fire (wrongly I'll admit). Our relationship is bringing out the worst in me and it shouldn't be like that. I guess a bit part of me is scared that if we separate I might find out that I am really like that and it wasn't the relationship making me a spiteful cow but just how I've become

The other thing that makes me incredibly sad is what if he does have Asperger's? I certainly hope that my son will get more understanding of his condition in the future (whatever it turns out to be) than I'm potentially giving DH.

He sounds a bit like my ex in some ways. XP couldn't stand anything that was irrational or illogical. We had so many arguments where I had to break down my feelings, actions and opinions and give a logical, rational explanation or he wouldn't accept the validity of my point of view. He reached the conclusion that he had Aspergers (though I'm not sure if he ever got an official diagnosis) and I'm inclined to think he was right.

Like you we got together when we were in our teens and didn't really know what we wanted out of life. We split after seven years, once we realised that we were basically trying to mould each other to be the person we wanted rather than accepting each other as we were.

mountainmonkey - That all sounds very familiar! Are you in another relationship now? Is it very different? With my H it's all black or white. A good example of this is when we were trying to talk through things the other night. I said ti him "I don't want to split up because 90% of the time we're happy but the other 10% we argue." He said "actually it's less than 90% becuase we're arguing 1 day out of 7, that's not 90%"

Also tonight we've fallen out again because of his tone with DS1 (special needs - he cries ALOT). I told him I wish he wasn't constantly sounding disappointed in him because he'll pick up on it. His argument was that he doesn't constantly sound disappointed but I finally got him to accept that he acts that way more than he should. I told him it was a figure of speech and obviously he wasn't like that 100% of the time but 70% was bad enough. He then told me that that's proof that I blow things out of proportion.

Is that a fair figure of speech or was I using the word constant unreasonably?

Oooh, and bearing in mind that I used the word constant because we've had this same conversation several times in the past.

It's incidents like these that make me think we would all be better off if we split

Crikey, I was much worse than you! I became the shrieking, suspicious harridan he divorced Trying to fight fire with fire is normal. When people feel cornered they either go quiet and try to be invisible or they spit n' struggle - I know which type I am. I am incredibly sorry you're finding this stuff out, Vixen - and impressed by your moral strength.

Understanding of ASDs is going up on a very steep curve these days, as are learning and coping strategies. Asperger's was out of fashion as a diagnosis until the '80s, so people born with an ASD before the '90s were basically treated as if they'd chosen their behaviours. This undoubtedly led to psychological difficulties. If Amberlight sees this thread, she'll be able to assure you that Aspies who are treated compassionately in their youth, as she was, are very capable of growing up 'different' rather than disordered :)

you know what it sounds like to me is that you're quite a strong person actually. it sounds like he'd like to get you doing what he wants, how he wants all the time and because of your strength he isn't able to and that makes him angry.

really when you look at those arguments it's about him getting angry that you do things your way and don't just do as you're told, his way.

the no interest in child's needs/progress - could that be no interest in anything that comes before him, threatens his importance to you?

what is his parents relationship like out of curiosity?

fwiw well done, by the sounds of threads on this board lots of women would have caved into obedience and non questioning by now.

Not understanding figures of speech is an ASD trait. Picking on your words is an abusive trait. Using 'constant' slightly inaccurately isn't a figure of speech. The percentage business does sound a bit Aspie, but I think you'll find most of the posters to the NPD threads remember similar comments from their ex-partners. It's just another way of making you wrong & belittling your point.

Oh, and 1/7 is a larger fraction than 10%

I am in another relationship now and am very happy. I think because I was a bit older when I met DP (well ok, was only 24) and had a good idea of what I was looking for (and what I definitely wasn't looking for). I ended up with someone who's very different from my ex- looks nothing like him, has different interests etc. Plus I'd learned to be happy in myself and love being me.

ItsGhoulAgain - Thank you SO much. I did think to myself if I had known that hypothetically he had Asperger's our relationship might have been different from the start. But that's not the case so we have to deal with the here and now. It made me feel a bit better about DS and what we're doing for him and even reaffirmed why we're pushing for a diagnosis. Are you still a shrieking, suspicious harridan or was it just in that relationship? Hehe, it makes me chuckle asking a question like that! And thank you for the links you provided earlier, it really helped during our disagreement tonight. I satyed clam because I can see his remarks in a new light and I know I'm not going mad.

WallowsInFlies - I think you're right that I make him angry by not conforming to what he expects. And I think the reason he's not interested in DS1's reports is more to do with the fact that he is pretty selfish - even I can see that. He's just not that interested. Thank you so much for saying I sound strong, it really helps to hear that right now.

You are! And I should have read your 'arithmetic' post more carefully I'm glad to hear your thread is helping you remember who you are, as it were. Please keep posting.

ps: of COURSE I am a suspicious, shrieking harridan! I've got it in writing, on a Court-stamped document

i was with a guy who turned me into a suspicious shrieking harridan eventually. when you've tried being rational, being upset, being angry there isn't much left than the mad woman routine.

I've never posted here before, but really enjoyed reading this discussion and everyone's comments. I'm in my late 30s, single with no kids, and I've never had a happy equal relationship :(. Your posts have helped me understand what to aim for - so thank you.

'I certainly hope that my son will get more understanding of his condition in the future (whatever it turns out to be) than I'm potentially giving DH.'

God, that's a tough one -- but your son will also have more understanding of his own nature and the ways in which his behaviour afects others, because he was understood better as a child.

It saddens me too, on behalf of my son, when people start saying, 'Must have Asperger's -- leave him, the unfeeling so and so.'

My DH is somewhat similar (though he reckons all the kids' Aspie traits came from me. Humph). He sometimes carries on as if the kids either don't have, or don't have a right to, their own feelings so if a child is getting a tricky bit of music practice wrong, for instance, he'll interrupt them and start shouting the rhythm into their ears while you can see they're trying to work it out, even when the child is wailing 'You're distracting me!' Same for homework tears, or tiredness, or nightmares, or reluctance to join in activities according to him, they're just putting it on. They must be bloody good actors, then.

It all sounds so trivial, but I now pull him up on it every time, and now I'm the baddy. And a soft touch. And quite possibly 'not tough enough' on the one with, y'know, the full-time statement and special autism unit, who probably just needs lecturing to keep his nose to the grindstone and develop a work ethic. Hey ho. I've probably outed myself nicely to anyone who knows the family by now. Hoping this is just a rough patch and he'll do as I say realise the kids aren't his clones and learn some more empathetic ways of dealing with them.

if a child is getting a tricky bit of music practice wrong he'll start shouting the rhythm into their ears while you can see they're trying to work it out Ouch, Lancelottie! That's bullying :(

HumpMeBogart, can I just congratulate you on your nickname?

Ghoul Yup, I agree. He'd see it as 'helping', though really doesn't seem to see that it's anything but. Short of kicking him in the shins, I don't know how to get him to see that children are children, not substandard adults.

The sad thing is that he is extraordinarily musical (as are two out of three of the kids), but because he DOES bully them during practice, they now refuse to do it when he's around. So everyone misses out, as he'd always looked forward to sharing music with the kids, and instead of useful help they get me saying 'Umm, are you sure that bit was right? How do you play an E-flat anyway?'