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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think I have been manhandled.....please help me understand what is happening

43 replies

cositjustisok · 10/10/2010 21:55

We always have had a lovely relationship but some thing has changed and I do not know how to fix things...tonight he grabbed me by my clothes but nipped my back doing so and pulled me into the garage to tell me what i had done wrong...so upset it has come to this.... my children seen this too.....that is why I am upset how he pulled me to tell me off. It hurt. Though so worried what the kids seen...they must be so upset...but to afraid to say anything in case he reacts...What I am asking is ...am I over reacting that he shoved me into the garage....please help me understand what is going on.......ios this what happens in realtionships when the going gets tough. Thankyou for listening. Sad

OP posts:
yesyouknowme · 10/10/2010 21:57

what did he claim you had done wrong?

yesyouknowme · 10/10/2010 21:58

and of course it is not ok for him to manhandle you

suburbophobe · 10/10/2010 21:59

Phone Womens Aid

Lionstar · 10/10/2010 22:01

No this is NOT what happens in relationships when the going gets tough.

And I have to say I'm speechless at "pulled me to tell me off"

I'm sorry I can't see this having a happy ending unless you get rid, fast.

Original poster
cositjustisok · 10/10/2010 22:02

That he was cooking tea.....and he assumed i was...so when I said it was his turn he said I had told him it was his turn to cook tea and the argument persued......that I was telling him what to do...this cant be right!

OP posts:
hairymelons · 10/10/2010 22:06

It's not right. Not right at all.

The fact that you are afraid to talk to him about it is a bad sign too. If DH did this to me I wouldn't be the least bit worried about telling him exactly what I think.

BelleDameAvecBroomstick · 10/10/2010 22:07

It isn't right. You know it isn't.

Original poster
cositjustisok · 10/10/2010 22:09

I know its not right I really do Sad Sad

OP posts:
Meow75 · 10/10/2010 22:10

Well, in contrast, isn't he trying to TELL you what to do.

On the other hand, why would he assume anything if you often share the cooking.

From all sides here, I can't possibly see how he's NOT in the wrong. Particularly as you are now concerned about bringing up the subject to discuss it.

All not good, IMHO.

Original poster
cositjustisok · 10/10/2010 22:20

If I tell him what I think he screams and shouts and I know this will upset the kids more than me getting my point across so I have to let him get on with it and say nothing more as I dont want the children involved or hearing our arguements.....this is just so awful.....He seems to not care when he is loud and shouting but I care what the children hear. Sad

OP posts:
yesyouknowme · 10/10/2010 22:24

I thought maybe you had murdered someone and dismembered the body, and he was manhandling you to tell you you had done something very wrong.

Original poster
cositjustisok · 10/10/2010 22:27

Ummmm...sorry yesyouknowme.......are you having a laugh like at my expense!

OP posts:
BonzoDooDah · 10/10/2010 22:32

I think you need to sit and talk to him now (hopefully) the kids are in bed. Tell him he hurt you and it upset you - see what he says. If it turns into your fault and your problem - think you know where it's heading Sad Good luck.

Greensleeves · 10/10/2010 22:33

I don't think yesyouknowme is laughing at you, at all - I read her post as shocked and angry that you are being abused like this over something so trivial - even if you HAD done something really horrific he would still have no right to manhandle you.

I sympathise. It must be horrible. You obviously have the children's welfare at the front of your mind, and I think you are right that this is not a good climate for them to live in. But YOU matter too.

BonzoDooDah · 10/10/2010 22:33

b t w you should never be afraid of your partner and never be fearful of pysical violence - if you are even irregularly then this is DV and you need to get help.

Original poster
cositjustisok · 10/10/2010 23:04

kids now in bed.....honestly he is growling to himself..proper wolf growling!!!!!..it is so weird & worrying I am in the kids den...next door.......I am worried that he is working him self up into a rage....think I will go to bed .....anxious and stressed but need to see that the child is ok..back in a min.

OP posts:
cherrytop · 10/10/2010 23:11

I am so sorry that this has happened. Please seek outside help.

KickArseQueenOfTheDamned · 10/10/2010 23:13

He is using your children as leverage over you.

Your children are not stupid, they will know that the situation is not "right" but by sticking around you are teaching them it is normal.

What would you tell your child if in 20 years they were in your situation?

Hope you are ok

cestlavielife · 10/10/2010 23:16

no this is what happens when the man is controlling and not getting his way - and if he gets away with this (ie you just tread carefully so as not to anger him - rather than confronting him) he will do it again and it will get worse...

what has changed? when did it change?

how lovely was he?

is it drink/drugs/???

mumonthenet · 10/10/2010 23:17

God, cosi, the physically pushing you around, the shouting the screaming....the mere fact that you are afraid. Afraid of what will happen next, anxious and stressed. All this indicates DV.

You poor poor thing.

This is not your fault. Please get some help. You are right, you DO need to protect your dc's from this.

I hope you are OK.

perfumedlife · 10/10/2010 23:20

That's not on, not on atall! When did this behaviour start?

Have you any family you can call if things get out of hand? Do you feel safe enough to stay there with him?

Original poster
cositjustisok · 10/10/2010 23:24

kAqueen..I would tell my child to leave..but it is just not so easy in the actual situation as I am sure you understand. My husband can be really lovely and I know he adores me and the kids but his rages worry me and they are getting more frequent..but he says he is only angered because it is only me that angers him . Obviously he has his view on all this but I cant voice them here and he may right and i am wrong but he worries me and what he could do. Should say he is lovely when things are great with us they are really great but when they go bad they are BAD Sad

OP posts:
Tortington · 10/10/2010 23:28

well he has you well and truly over a barrel if he is allowed to vent and you aren't

what would happen if you told him to fuck off being a dick?

if you think he would get violent and therefore its something you wouldn't do - then leave.

i think that all this ' i don't want the kids to hear' stuff is bullshit code for 'i am scared shitless'

TheLadyEvenstar · 10/10/2010 23:30

Should say he is lovely when things are great with us they are really great but when they go bad they are BAD

And that Cos is the way they ALWAYS are

perfumedlife · 10/10/2010 23:30

growling like a wolf Shock I am worried for you op, seriously. When did all this start? He is still at it?

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