Can anyone offer some insight. (Violence against women inside)

[ScaryFucker]

I posted about my best friend here a little while ago.

The financial situation was never sorted properly but she had drawn a line under it. (he still owes her money, but she got some, and wrote the rest off, following advice)

Things went quiet for a while. Then he started bombarding her with texts/calls. He wants her back, is not happy in his r'ship bla bla bla. She tried to fend them off, not assertively enough, IMO

Friend lost patience, and (stupidly) went to his house to confront him. He attacked her in the street. She is black and blue from where he dragged her along the ground and kicked her. His partner was there, witnessing this.

The police were called, by both parties. Long story short, they say both were at fault (he said she also assaulted him...she did, in self-defence) and have kept the reports on record. But have given her no support or encouragement to press charges.

I have tried to convince her to press charges. She can hardly walk today and is bruised badly in several places. I have offered to accompany her, get the injuries documented, and take it further.

She refuses.

What else can I say? Sorry this is so long, and I had to link to old thread, but the context is important, I think.

You can't "assault" someone in self-defence. He has committed assault by battery and she should press charges. Have the police taken photos of her injuries? It would be a good idea to take pictures yourself (use the date-time on your camera and uppload them somewhere online, so there's a record of the date). Also get her to a doctor. She may have internal injuries and fractures.

What's she scared of? Reprisal or looking "weak"? Knowing this will help you to help her ...
You're a good pal, Scary :)

I would imagine the reason they dont want to take it further is that there were two of them and one of her, they are both saying she attacked him she is saying he attacked her.

I understadn why you want to do this, but bullying her to try and tak ethis further isnt going to help. I would talk to her about it one last time, make all the same offeres and if she refusing tell her that you will not bring it up again but that if she ever wants to take it fuether you will be there for her.

Ghoul, she won't allow me to take photo's either

The police came to her house at 2am, and basically talked her out of taking it further (this is not a police-bashing thread, honestly...but am certainly )

She won't visit the GP, nor A+E

Tbh, her bruising is just bruising, no fractures/internal stuff etc (I work within a medical field). I know just is the wrong word...but YSWIM

She just wants to draw a line under it. Perhaps that is best all round...she is certainly saying it is best for her, so difficult to push her further, tbh

Mardy...I think you are right

She is going to be in soooo much pain tomorrow

The man (we used to socialise a lot as a foursome, so a big shock for us all...) is a fucking animal, no more, no less

Sorry, that is disrespectful to animals

BTW...the difference in size (height/weight/strength) between them is very, very marked

Gawd :(

Yes, Mardy's approach seems the ony sensible one - though I'm worried about the longer-term emotional & psychological impact of "acting like it never happened", perhaps she'll feel more able to process it once the physical shock has settled. The problem with that, as the police know is that physical evidence will have become blurred by then. Sounds like they were trying to keep their workload down ... I guess we all have to brace ourselves for more of this

Maybe discuss with her, later, using the law to control his harassment. At least the incident will have been logged, so she shouldn't have too much trouble getting a restraining order/injunction.

Sorry for her. Hope she knows you can take paracetamol AND ibuprofen; she's gonna need 'em :(

ghoul yes, my friend herself said "this is all about cutting down the paperwork isn't it?"

apparently the two officers never even sat down in her house, offered any comfort/sympathy knowing she lives alone and she felt intimidated into agreeing

I feel really upset for her

thanks dittany

whilst I was with her today, her phone was buzzing with a with-held number several times...we reckoned it was him but she ignored

we talked about what his agenda might be wrt calling her today

it was never going to be anything good, she knows that

I wish she could be more assertive though, but that is my issue, I know

why wouldn't police officers comfort a distressed woman at 2am, who had been attacked (regardless of who they thought was "at fault"), knowing she was spending the rest of the night alone

I can't get my head around that

her clothes were torn to pieces too

sorry, getting a bit maudlin now

have had good advice that confirms my imression, thanks

SF, what an awful situation. For her and for you.

Years ago, I had a good friend who was in a similar situation. She wouldn't take it further and would always be reluctant to report it at all. I spoke to an older friend of mine (who didn't know her but had experienced DV herself) who suggested that I keep a diary of what my friend said to me and what injuries she suffered. That way, she had a contemporaneous record if she needed it in the future or she could read it back if she split up with him and was wavering about getting back together. She did stress, though, that the moment of revelation of the existence of these notes had to be handled with the upmost care and to put them out of my mind when speaking with her after an episode so that I didn't ask leading questions and forget my compassion.

I did keep them, but luckily they didn't need to be used and I got rid of them after she met the man who is now her DH and had clearly moved on. I did tell her what I had done on one drunken girly night in and she was very touched. I appreciate that not everyone would feel that way, so I only mention it as a possibility. It is so hard when you are powerless in these situations and I felt at least I was being her witness as well as offering her my ear.

I should say - those notes were only for her future use and not for anyone else, including me, to take independent action.

Foot, thanks for your input, that is a good idea

I am glad your friend managed to move on

my friend is very stuck....much of it is of her own making (she admits this freely) by letting him remain in contact and submitting to his headfuckery (she still loves him...I hope last night has killed this, but I dunno)

dittany..thanks, your understanding is important to me. I don't wish to police-bash, like I said, but they have a poor record in supporting women of that I am aware

we are told though that cases of DV are taken more seriously these days...I am not so sure

I saw my friend today, she is bruised (the bruise on her arse is a perfect boot shape ), stiff, had her back wrenched so can hardly walk, showed me her torn clothes

what more is there to say....9 stone, 5ft 2 has no comparison with 6ft, 15 stone

I feel sick for her

Maybe someone in legal would know better what the chances are of a prosecution succeeding?

I'd have thought though, if she goes to court she is likely to have to put up with his current partner being a witness for him and putting blame against her plus her character being assassinated by a defence lawyer? Not something someone in a vulnerable state needs to go through.

The one hope is that this violence he has displayed will convince her to completely detach from him?

Not sure where you live but maybe your local Samaritans accepts face to face callers? If she can be persuaded to go, she might find it a relief to talk?

Must be very upsetting for you. All you can do I suppose is keep encouraging her to engage with mental health services, and disengage completely from the violent tosser.

thanks euro

she has seen her GP previously (this is a long-running issue for her) and been put on anti-D's

I think she actually had a breakdown a few months ago (when I last posted) although I am no MH professional

how can one man precipitate such carnage ?

He is no Johnny Fucking Depp, I promise you

I cannot understand it

Not going to be a whole lot of help if she won't admit that he's abusive - but most (all?) police forces have a DV advisor with appropriate training. I'm sure the quality will be variable but the police did make a very public commitment to this at Government level, and Women's Aid was involved in the training programme. At the very least, they should be better able to view things outside of the traditional win-lose frame.

Your friend might come around to it if he carries on bugging her (which, of course, he will) ... I just thought it important to remind other readers about this police facility. Here is a list of Police Force websites.

Be there for her AF, I'm sure you will be, but let her trust you. :)

I think the clothes were ripped as he dragged her back up from the ground so he could shove her down again

ghoul, thanks, I have advised her if she tried again to press charges she might get a better reception

loopy, she does trust me, we have been through much together, I am honoured to be her friend

dittany, the devastating bereavement was the accidental workplace death of her husband, father of her Dc's and childhood best friend of my DH who witnessed it (they were business partners at the time)

we were very close friends back then, with her DH and my DH

we took her new partner (2 yrs after her Dh's death) into our circle

this is how he has repaid us all

ditt, I think there is mileage in what you say. And I have been drinking, so sorry for the self-pity, it is not about me

Sorry, I didn't mean to suggest otherwise.

You are angry for her, upset and frustrated, but she probably is feeling the same herself, and needs to be treated gently. You sound like an amazing friend to have, just make sure you keep it at her pace and don't pressurise her. Hopefully she will decide to log and press charges, but she has to be the one to make that call.

Glad my comments werent seen as harsh.

Agree re the police, have to say I know serveral people who have joined up and one especially, was certainly not who I would ahve wanted dealing with me if the need arose.

Have you thought about contacting WA to see how you can help her? Also maybe getting her int couselling would be a good idea.

She is lucky to have such a good friend

loopy, I know

I didn't take your post as anything but supportive, thanks

Mardy, thanks

I may contact WA tomorrow myself, just for some advice

our history is very entwined though, so I have to be careful I keep it about her and no way about me IYSWIM

Thats really what I was getting at, not the same I know, but I worried myself silly when a very good friend of mine confided in me that she was seeng a married man from work. You'd have thought it was me

thanks mardy

believe it or not, I am usually very clear-headed

but this is faaaaamily as far as I am concerned

She needs to learn to love herself again SF she has been thru so much emotional trauma in the past this is all fallout from that.She needs to distance herself from him.This chapter of her life needs to close.Not asking why or how re his behaviour just close the fucking chapter.She will want someone to take the pain away re her Hs death but she has to realise this blokes bad love wont do it.Its dysfunctional and she needs to be on her own for a bit and deal with the unresolved issues re her Hs death .How does she do that without help i dont know ,but she will not get there with this man in her life ,hopefully this weekend will help her to draw a line under this relationship for good.He is only keeping the door open to keep her hooked ,she has to learn whatever pain she is feeling will never pass if she keeps in contact with this bloke .

patience, you have articulated it all

we have discussed this, at length, many times

with wine, without wine

with friends, with my DH (who was also extremely traumatized), just us two without kids far from the madding crowd (wonderful husband of mine took all kids on while we spend time away), with others

she knows it, she struggles with it

I hope the events of this weekend will draw a line under it

I dunno