Can anyone offer some insight. (Violence against women inside)

[ScaryFucker]

I posted about my best friend here a little while ago.

The financial situation was never sorted properly but she had drawn a line under it. (he still owes her money, but she got some, and wrote the rest off, following advice)

Things went quiet for a while. Then he started bombarding her with texts/calls. He wants her back, is not happy in his r'ship bla bla bla. She tried to fend them off, not assertively enough, IMO

Friend lost patience, and (stupidly) went to his house to confront him. He attacked her in the street. She is black and blue from where he dragged her along the ground and kicked her. His partner was there, witnessing this.

The police were called, by both parties. Long story short, they say both were at fault (he said she also assaulted him...she did, in self-defence) and have kept the reports on record. But have given her no support or encouragement to press charges.

I have tried to convince her to press charges. She can hardly walk today and is bruised badly in several places. I have offered to accompany her, get the injuries documented, and take it further.

She refuses.

What else can I say? Sorry this is so long, and I had to link to old thread, but the context is important, I think.

it has, ditt

and another close friend who introduced them has blamed himself, many times over

(this bloke was in a circle of friends from school times) and was re-introduced as a direct result of her husbands very sad death

her husband was a well-known and well-known character in the local community (and a wonderful, giving friend)

her Dh's death affected us all greatly, hence my protectiveness

I don't think my posts are making sense, tbh

Ok its good that she knows it SF ,then you have hope.She will know it was a negative thing to go there last nite and that it is what i would cling onto here.She needs tremendous self disipline to break away from this,no matter how bad a bloke this guy is she has found comfort in his arms and everyone needs a hug ,right!Especially if your dearest love got taken away from you.She has to learn to see his love is bad love it is not the right path to bring her peace.Grace might be able to help with this re what path to take i dont know enough about all the psychological treatments but she has to break this pattern ,its all wrapped up in a self loathing and she will be ashamed of her own behaviour ,but she can turn it all around with help.She can find acceptance in her loss and love her life again ,she doent need this bastard in it thats for sure .Its great she can share with you but it also shows your strength that you didnt leg it months ago.

I think it's a matter of keeping the conversation open, AF. You know how you get threads on here, where there are 90 replies all saying the same thing in slightly different ways - then, after the 91st, the poster suddenly seems to get it! This is what makes the difference between a good counsellor and an OK one, imo - really good ones just know the exact words to use, at the exact moment. I don't know how they do that, unfortunately, so the rest of us are stuck with patiently, gently, trying lots of different tacks.

It struck me that your mate might be suffering from survivor guilt. If she hasn't got a history of being abused, could it be that she somehow felt she deserves to suffer after the death of DH? I honestly don't know how you'd broach this with her, especially if she's averse to counselling. If you feel there's something in it, maybe try talking around the subject & see if anything clicks?

we speak in unison, Patience :)

I agree Ghoul re good counsellors my bloke completely turned my view point around ,in an ideal world SF your friend would go to a counsellor/therapist and in a single session she would see it is not her fault,the counsellor would pick up on all the behaviour
she is showing and show her this is all perfectly normal re everything life has thrown at her.She is only trying to cope but has got a bit lost but she doesnt need to feel ashamed or to punish herself anymore.The secret is getting the right person to talk to ,someone with a proven track record someone that gets results.You will be able to read this as in when she is ready to go there and i agree it has to be her choice,but if she recognises this pattern is negative and is keeping her from moving forward then maybe she isnt too far away from making this decision now,help is out there.I remember going once and pouring my heart out re how much i was still in love with my husband even although he had been such a bad bsatard to me and the guy just looked up at me and said "And you want to be with this man ,why"It sounds daft even typing it now.I couldnt have written a thread on MN because i knew if i wrote the facts down then i knew what all the answers would have been and it would have made me feel even more shame for wanting to be with my H.But i chose to change the cycle of dysfunction it has been the hardest thing i have ever had to do ,but i know mentally i am healthier for it and i have a greater chance of finding peace without him in my life,but it takes strength ,courage and determination.I know i still have years to go and that can seem daunting and the hardest thing for me was no physical contact thru the lonely times.Sending you and your friend great strength SF x

Sorry I had to disappear last night (have a bit of a hangover this morning, silly me )

Thanks for the continued thoughts, they are very helpful

The counselling aspect...has been recommended before by several people, including her GP. She refuses. I shall gently raise it again.

I think that one day, she will get it, one day soon I hope.

I think you have be prepared to play the longest game of your life.

Speaking to WA is a great idea I think. Keeping a diary of her life if she won't, to be used as an insurance policy.

Keep taking her out and about and showing her how real men really are.

One day that utter excuse for a human being will slip up, and she will see what he really is, and you will have to be there to capitalise on it.

Wish I were closer...

thanks Lil

he has certainly showed his true colours now (no compunction about hitting a woman)

I have seen her today, and she is stiff as a board

I can't wait to see him

OOh, if i were closer, I'd be up there with you AF...

Honorary Northern Bird me... I'm not quite 15 stone, but with a bit of speed, a bit of momentum and another person running hard at him with me, I could do some serious damage...

Keep talking to her. Keep telling her that no-one decent does this.

Could you play the ultimate card, the one that is That her Dear dead H would be so sad to see his Queen treated like this? Or is that too hard a hit?

Is there such a group for women in these situations, like an AA for DV victims?

I have played that ultimate card, Lil

It was a sneaky one, a hard-hitting one, a from-out-of-left-field one

She agrees with me

Thought you may have done. If it had any power at all, Keep repeating it.

good points dittany. AF, bereavement counselling? would she entertain that idea? might be a new angle to try? Do charities like CRUSE have group sessions, could you go with her?

I know you wont, cos you are not that kind of person at all, but don't give up.

thanks dittany, it is a good thought

I don't get that feeling here though

Her husband is a constant topic of conversation with her family/friends. Don't want to go into too much detail but there are various things set up in his memory.

Even 10 years on, we have a curry/wine night every few weeks and inevitably it all comes pouring out. She is very generous with her grief...she says "we all lost someone on that day"

I think it is as "simple" (bad choice of word) as she is hooked on an emotional abuser. He pitched up ata vulnerable time, making her more suscptible (as these types often do). At first we encouraged it. Bad move...but tbh he she is a strong will (believe it or not) and she would do her own thing.

In some ways, I think it is her "strong will" that is keeping her hooked. She cannot accept she has been defeated by him, that he has done a whole fucking series of numbers on her...emotional, financial, sexual and now physical

a strong woman doesn't allow that, you see (from her POV, not mine)...so she keeps trying to make it "right"

Lil...she refuses counselling "they will tell me what I already know"

she has accepted meds from the GP though (that was a fucking struggle )

yeah, she has lost one DH and doesn't want to be seen to losing/failing to keep another.

She must see that in terms of him doing 'numbers' on her that she has the full set now, the royal flush, the full house?

keep banging the drum for her, keep telling her that it's HIM that is failing her, that HE is not good enough for HER and that EVERYONE who knows her, KNOWS she can and needs to do better than this....

what's the MN term.. cockmuncher... twunt doesn't cover it... hideous excuse for a skin.

The poor woman, hasn't she suffered enough, isnt it enough and she has to perpetuate this horror?

I think you have a possible chance to capitalise on this last development.

Oh and the "they will tell me what I already know"?

What that he will KILL HER? She already knows that does she? cos that is where this will end.

Poor poor woman. Kidnap would be justifiable.

< weak smile >

stroke and a pat, and a squeeze for you AF

(these are DS (4) top notch soothers btw)

night night

night, Lil, a squeeze sounds nice

and thanks again for all responses on thread x

Oh, SF.

Good counsellors don't really tell anyone anything. They just ask really pertinent questions that sometimes one isn't ready to answer. I bet she knows that. Denial is such a powerful mechanism and is often a lifesaver, if it is temporary. But it can also be so very destructive, as we all well know.

You are being such a great friend to her. The only other suggestion I can make is to ensure that your are using active listening with her, if you aren't already quick example Loads of stuff on the net about it. It helps.

Have any of the rest of your circle of friends had words with the guy?

better link

Dont know if this is any use but some things that swung it 4 me was when i realised ;
He was manipulating me,
He was controlling me,or i was letting him,by abusing my love for him,
I accepted that he scared me,
He was disrespecting me as a person,
He was humiliating me as a wife and mother,
He was taking the piss basically ...end of!
I was confusing sex for love !
The relationship was making me unhappy and i would always be living a lie .
I worked it out when we split, never thought it was that bad when we were together.

thanks guys for the late night thoughts

How are things today SF? Have you seen your friend yet today?