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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dh is making us all miserable

50 replies

carelesswhispers · 10/10/2010 15:46

Ive been with dh for half of my life time but im not sure i can stay with him much longer . He picks on the dc's calling them "spoilt fuckers" & slags me off for being on this site . He comes home every day from work in a bad mood & points out any housework that i haven't done & makes comments like "oh bet you found time to go on mumsnet today though" etc then sits drinking for the rest of the evening & watching his war programs on TV ignoring us unless its to make a sarcastic remark . He suffers from depression but refuses to see a doctor . He drinks 7 nights a week & has done for the last 8 years Sad .
He is in work again today & has listed all the chores he wants done before he gets home tonight . I just feel like my life is spent being a skivvy & walking on egg shells .

OP posts:
Portofino · 10/10/2010 15:48

I would NOT put up with this! He sounds like an arse. Other's will be along with practical advice, but you have my sympathies.

DooinMeSizers · 10/10/2010 15:48

He has listed all the chores he wants doing??? What like on paper??? I know what I'd do with that list Angry

Would he go to Relate? Do you want it to work?

OnionBhaji · 10/10/2010 15:50

He sounds hideous!

Why are you still with him?

He would be out the door if he were mine!

Sounds like an alcoholic to me and a list of jobs!! ha! no way.

CheerfulV · 10/10/2010 15:52

He sounds like a complete knobend. But then you must know this. What are you going to do about it?

TheButterflyEffect · 10/10/2010 15:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
carelesswhispers · 10/10/2010 16:10

No not an actual list but he followed me upstairs this morning while i was getting ds's bath ready & told me what he wanted cleaned / tidied away before he gets home tonight , and to iron him a clean shirt for tomorrow . I wash out the floors (wooden) every day & hoover twice a day & am constantly picking up toys after the dc's . I do ALL the housework & childcare & cooking , he has nothing to do when he gets in from work . I have a disability that causes me a lot of pain some days & can make me quite ill . There's no way he would go to relate Sad . When i ask him for help with anything he always says the same thing = " well if i help you at your job then you can do my job for me " . It feels as though he resents me being at home all day while he goes to work but when i ask him is this bothering him he tells me im crazy .

OP posts:
TheButterflyEffect · 10/10/2010 16:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
carelesswhispers · 10/10/2010 16:34

Butterfly thanks for that hug , i really dont know why i started this thread tbh , i have never told anyone about any of this & its been bubbling up inside me for 12 years or more Blush . I feel so hurt & angry inside towards dh yet i still run around after him when he gets home & try to lighten his moods Sad . When i met DH almost 20 years ago he told me he was an old fashioned guy & silly me i thought he meant in a gentlemanly way , but what he really meant was he wanted to be waited on hand & foot . I feel worn out .
Yes maybe a few suggestions as to what you would do might help.
I was in the kitchen last night & the washing machine was on & dh said something but when i asked him what he had said he told me that he would never have married me if he knew i was going to ignore him , & i dont hang onto his every word anymore like i used to . Sad Sad

OP posts:
PfftTheMagicDragon · 10/10/2010 16:45

What would his reaction be if he came home and the house was a mess? Is he abusive (in any way)?

Clearly he needs to change for you to be happy.

Do you think he will, or is even capable of doing so?

HecateQueenOfWitches · 10/10/2010 16:51

so, why are you with him, exactly? He doesn't sound like he is enriching your life in any way. What would happen if you said "you know what, I've had enough of this, bye."

expatinscotland · 10/10/2010 16:55

I would not stay with or married to someone like this, for the overriding reason that I wouldn't want my kids to feel this is acceptable in a relationship.

Relate's not giong to help him or you.

He's an alcoholic, emotionally abusive arsewipe.

Original poster
carelesswhispers · 10/10/2010 17:01

pfft if he comes home & the dc's toys are on the couch or floor he will throw them into the toy box so hard he sometimes breaks them . Then blames me for leaving them out in the first place . He has never hit me but has pushed me out of his way . He is in his mid 40's & im in my mid 30's doubt if he will change now .
Hecate - I still love the man he used to be but with no chance of ever working again i stay out of fear of not being able to raise my dc's alone . I know i sound pathetic but i really dont know what to do . He tells me the dc's walk all over me & treat me like crap but so does he Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
carelesswhispers · 10/10/2010 17:10

Sorry x posts with expat .

I agree relate wont help either of us . He jokes about trading me in for a " Thai bride" but that would be doing me a favour really .

OP posts:
Katisha · 10/10/2010 17:14

So which makes you feel happier and calmer? Life with him or life without him?

GeekOfTheWeek · 10/10/2010 17:15

Get rid.

atswimtwolengths · 10/10/2010 17:19

He sounds really horrible. I don't think it's his depression that makes him like this, I think he's just not a nice person.

Can I ask whether the children do treat you badly? How old are they? What does he mean when he says this?

ItsGhoulAgain · 10/10/2010 17:23

Somebody asked if he's abusive in any way. Your OP says this:

He picks on the dc's calling them "spoilt fuckers" & slags me off for being on this site. He comes home every day in a bad mood & points out any housework that I haven't done & makes comments like "oh bet you found time to go on mumsnet today though" etc then sits drinking for the rest of the evening & watching his war programs on TV ignoring us unless its to make a sarcastic remark.

Yesh, I'd say he's abusive. In several ways, and that's only what you've told us.

JoanHolloway · 10/10/2010 17:24

So when you go together you were a teenager and he was late twenties?

Tippychoocks · 10/10/2010 17:28

He sounds vile and someone who said that about my children would not be staying around, regardless of the other horrors.

Don't stay with him because you feel afraid of raising your children alone - he sounds very much like he is amking all your lives worse.

Do you want to leave him/for him to go?

DooinMeSizers · 10/10/2010 17:31

D'ya know what I'd do? I'd bugger off to my friends for a long weekend. Leave him all the house work/childcare etc and see how he copes.

I doubt he would resent it so much then. I presume you're not worried he will hurt/hit the dc/you?

And I'd stop doing anything for him. If he wants clean ironed clothes he can do them himself.

I'd walk away from any argument and answer every request with a smile and a vauge 'maybe' and then file it in memory under 'things to forget'

I'd also sit and have a good vhat with him about how he is maing me feel and about his drinking. I'd tell him if I don't see things start to change I am leaving.

Original poster
carelesswhispers · 10/10/2010 17:35

I think i would be happier without him but ive been with him for almost 20 years . Where do i go with the dc's ? He told me before i married him that marriage is for life and i know for sure he will never move out of this house .

The children are very demanding with me , they will shout at me & request one thing straight after another just for the sake of me getting it for them . They will keep shouting at me until i get them what they want & this drives dh mad . I dont want to say their ages but they are under 12yrs .
Joan - yes i was a teenager when i met him & he was in his late 20's .

OP posts:
Katisha · 10/10/2010 17:40

What you do is go to CAB or a solicitor (they do free initial sessions quite often) and get advice. Knowledge is power.
You sound like there are grounds for divorce and unfortunately for him he can't dictate the terms.

Tippychoocks · 10/10/2010 17:41

Well if they see him treating you like that it stands to reason that they will follow suit.
If he makes you unhappy and will not agree to try to work things out through relate or similar then you need to make plans to make your life better. He can think marriage is for life all he likes, it's not just up to him.

DooinMeSizers · 10/10/2010 17:41

Of course the children are demanding of you. They are copying their father. If it's okay for him to do it's okay for them.

BelleDameAvecBroomstick · 10/10/2010 17:43

The DCs treat you the same way as your husband does - they have learned this from him. How ironic that it annoys him...

You know this is intolerable. It's wrong. He clearly has a drink problem (at best) and is also a bully.

I am sorry but I have no advice other than to tell him how unhappy you are and if he won't do anything about it/doesn't care, I think you know that you need to end this relationship.