dh is making us all miserable

[carelesswhispers]

Ive been with dh for half of my life time but im not sure i can stay with him much longer . He picks on the dc's calling them "spoilt fuckers" & slags me off for being on this site . He comes home every day from work in a bad mood & points out any housework that i haven't done & makes comments like "oh bet you found time to go on mumsnet today though" etc then sits drinking for the rest of the evening & watching his war programs on TV ignoring us unless its to make a sarcastic remark . He suffers from depression but refuses to see a doctor . He drinks 7 nights a week & has done for the last 8 years .
He is in work again today & has listed all the chores he wants done before he gets home tonight . I just feel like my life is spent being a skivvy & walking on egg shells .

This is completely intolerable.

Please speak to your family and get support in RL.

Start telling the truth about what a an emotional and physical bully your husnband is, and stop running around after him. Shatter the illusion of the perfect family life you are killing yourself to try and represent.

Your children are following his lead and treating you like an unpaid skivvy. This bodes very badly for their own future r'ships, because very few people will actually put up with it. They will get a terrible shock when people don't do what they say.

It seems he is not going to amit that he is doing anything wrong, so I think you are going to have to decide something. Can you live with this for the next 20 years and take responsibilty for standing by while your children follow the lead of a terrible role model.?

Or do you, and your kids, deserve something better ?

Oh for heavens sake.

Kill him.

Or at least tell him to fuck right off.

Oh love - you known him half your life and this is why you are so emotionally entwined.

But balance this with the your statement that you 'don't know why you're posting'- you've been feeling this way for '12 years'.
This and 'I agree relate wont help either of us . He jokes about trading me in for a " Thai bride" but that would be doing me a favour really' - you have your own answer here.

Old fashioned could be a word for overly entitled twat.

I feel for you. You are clearly not in a position you'd like to be and feel both dh and your kids walk over you. Perhaps kids walk over you as they think that is normal because of what dh demands of you.

In your own time go get some legal advice. There is help out there for you should you need it.

One step at a time and you should be able to get what you want which is a happy family life and respect - this will most probably be without the dh - you might find that if you were able to strike out on your own with your kids everything will fall into place.

Thank you for all your replies & support . Its helping me just by typing this all out as up until recently i have just been trying to convince myself that it will all be OK & its just a bad patch that seems to be lasting forever . I was engaged to my dh when i found out i had this disability & his sisters warned him to leave me as i would only get worse as i got older this broke my heart tbh & i suppose i have gone out of my way to prove i can do everything for my family . Does that make any sense ? Two months ago i begged DH to cut back on his drinking & i was so upset he promised to have two nights a week without drinking , but he hasn't kept this promise .

You really deserve a better life than this, some great advice on this thread and I really feel for you. To echo some points raised;

Is there someone in RL you can talk to? family, friends?

Find a local solicitor or go to the CAB and find out what your rights are.

Tell your Husband how you feel, how unhappy for are and what needs to change, give him an opportunity to try at this.

If nothing improves divorce him and find your own happiness, my mum was married to my father (a serial cheater) for 20 years and she is so much happier without him, at first I know there were times where it was difficult but she came out the other side and regrets the wasted years she stayed with him, for us. Although I can't say the same for him, as far as being happier.

Big hug for being so brave as to write this down and post on mumsnet. I bet you've thought of doing it many times. All the best of luck

Can I just ask - Why on earth do you hoover twice a day and wash the floors every day?

Re the toys - get the kids to tidy them, just tell them if toys are out when Dad gets home then they'll probably get broken.

Oh - and don't waste any more years on this bloke - in another 20 years do you still want it to be like this?

Not really , my parents are elderly & in ill health so i dont want to upset them . Everyone i know thinks the sun shines out of dh , but my mum said something to me the other day that shocked me , i told her that ds is getting very moody ,hormonal & my mum said "oh well he gets that from dh "
lol i thought dh could win an Oscar for being the life & soul of the party whenever any one else was around . I guess he's not fooling my mum .
The only time i see a flicker of the man i met & married is when others are around but as soon as we are alone again the atmosphere changes & the smiles all stop .

I think it's illuminating that you got together you were so young, and he talks about trading you in for a thai bride - which he probably considers to be more compliant... you are an adult, trying to have an adult relationship as an equal with somebody who clearly doesn't treat you as one.

So could your mum help you? It sounds like she may know more than you'd think and would be able to support you. I know she's older and in bad health but it may actually be a relief - worth seeing how the land lies there perhaps?

Oh lal - wooden floors show dirt like you wouldn't believe. I also do floors like this.

Careless, people probably know more than you think. I have a bad relationship with dh. I was shocked when my own df explained the reason why we are not invited to his is because his wife finds my dh offensive to me and to her and he cannot tolerate him. My dm's partner feels the same.

You can cover up but people often do twig something's not right.The people that love you kind of have an idea.

He's horrible to your dcs and to you. You sound very likable and also very clever. I'm sure that you are the type of person who'd be able to achieve what they put their mind to.

I agree with Tippy It seems that your DH hasn't really fooled her and she's been polite all these years not to say anything.

He sounds like an absolute twat careless and you would be better off single x

Re the wooden floors - yes as giveitago says they show up every speck of dirt & with the dc's & a dog well you can imagine ...
Giveitago - that you are also having a bad time , Did you tell your dh why your parents dont invite him over ? I really hope things get better for you x .

well I've got wooden floors too - they get swept everyday, but certainly don't need washed everyday! But I guess this isn't a housework thread...

Oh you poor thing. Do you have a RL friend you can confide in, or could you consider having counselling alone if not? I really think you need someone to sit and talk this through with, it's a lot to have carried on your own.

Re the children, I would start with some baby steps towards change. You aren't doing them any favours by letting this continue, they'll turn into horribly spoiled, entitled adults. Stop giving in to their endless demands, get them helping around the house. Can they do chores to earn pocket money, or have toys removed if they don't help tidy them up??

Honestly careless, MOST men are not like this. Please DON'T feel grateful to this arse that he has "taken" you on with your disability. You should not have to proove your worth. A decent man would love you for who you are and would HELP you.

Agree with others that the dcs are learning how to behave from him. Please, please make an appointment at the CAB and phone women's aid. There is lots of help available!

Careless - this isn't about me.

My parents are aware of stuff and I'm glad I can confide in them but again I'm wary of going into every detail - but honestly those that love sort of just know.

Are you close to anyone in rl- can your see a way out of this.

I really think that the stuff about your kids is a mirror to how you are treated by your dh. If dh can treat you that way then it gives them scope to do it too. Away from that toxic scene they'd probably be more relaxed and helpful?

Ive only one real friend but i dont feel i could confide in her about this tbh , she would only end up telling dh off & then everything would blow up .
Ds1 is clearing up the toys for me now , lots of moaning going on but he's doing it .
lal123 maybe my lot are just dirty sods then

Do take some advice from here and get help. You shouldn't put up with it.

FWIW OP, my Mum knew a lot about my Ex and we lived in another country - she actually only met him a few times and I never said a word.
You obviously have great standards and I wish you would do my floors . 'll swap you a basket of ironing for them.

I was with Ex for 11 years out of my 31 which is a lot and I am just fine. My DD is fine. We're happy. You can do it, lots of us have and are better off. You say you think you'd be happy without him, I'm betting you would. He's closed the doors to working on this, not you.

The only thing that will upset your mum, I reckon, is if you stay with this man.

Have a frank talk with her and ask for her help.

Your children are learning how to behave by watching how their dad behaves - do you want them to be like him? You can turn things round if you get them away from him - if you don't, you can't.

Do you want this life for yourself? Do you want your children to live like this? Get help now and get away from this man.

As others have wisely said, you can't change another adult's behaviour, you can only change your own. It's time to stand up to your DH, I hope he doesn't become violent, if he does, then of course it is time to leave.

Spend some time having some fun and doing some courses that might lead to a job rather than hoovering and washing floors many more times than they need to be done - what a waste of time, electricity and water - not to mention energy that perhaps you can't afford to expend if you are ill?

The DC will start to behave better towards you if they see you stand up to the bullying alcoholic you are married to. He is clearly a very unhappy man and is taking his bitterness and resentfulness out on you. The damage to him was done long before you met, it's not down to you.

Your parents may also have far more resources inside them to help you than you give them credit for. However old and elderly you were, wouldn't you want your DC to lean on you if in trouble?

Careless - you only get one go at life y'know. Is this it? Is this really what you want? And is it what you want for your children?

Get some advice - www.womensaid.org.uk

You are in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic. Make it stop and start believing that you deserve to be happy - because you do, you really, really do.

You are in a horrible hell of a relationship, your DC are suffering, you are suffering.

You have confided in us, please talk to your mum, she sounds as if she's sharper and stronger than you think.

Contact WA, please do something, please don't live like this.

You deserve better, hell, anyone would deserve better than this.

Oh and don't let those kids off the hook either, time for them to help with chores. When you are free of this bullying alcoholic, they will all have to pitch in a bit more.

I always notice how easy it is to say "leave him" to somone posting here, it is an instinctive reaction.

But I know that it`s not that easy.

If things have been bad for a long time, you almost need an extra reason to leave now.

Make sure you have some cash of your own, I dont know how your finances are set up but make sure you have an independent bank account, that your DH doesnt know of, where you put some money regularly. This "running away" fund is a good thing to have, it is ironically something all Thai brides do!

That way you àvoid feeling "trapped".

It is also useful to try and find a part time job, or something you can do from home.

Try to reclaim your independence bit by bit.

The more independent you get, the more your DH and DC will respect you (even if they do not like it!). This may change your view of the relationship.

Just start making some changes, I am an advocate for a slow stealthy approach. Having big bust ups do not work for everyone. But start saving a bit, start looking for a job or activity when kids are at school, do a bit less cleaning, and very importantly, stop saying "sorry it`s messy but...". Stop saying sorry.

Dont apologise, dont explain. Just slowly do things your way.