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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What can I do...or be done.

31 replies

fluxy3 · 10/10/2010 15:40

I'm at my wits end.. H and I separated just before the summer holidays, he moved to his mothers and has still got lots of stuff (infact all his things at the house).
It has not been easy, I work full time and have 3 kids too, but I know that my decision to end the marriage is the right one.
The BIG problem I have is that he will not accept that the marriage is over.. he constantly text, calls and emails me, begging to give us another(again) chance.
When he comes to collect the children or drops them off, he waltzes in to the house, makes himself 'at home' and proceeds to follow me around, whispering at me, asking if we can "have a chat", blocking me in rooms and not leaving, declaring undying love, winding me up infront of the children.. it goes on and on.
I can't put on paper the feelings and utter frustration I feel, he's very passive aggressive, will NOT leave me alone and constantly says the same things to me over and over and over again. I have to ask him at least 12-13 times to leave me alone and still he won't. I have had to lock myself in the bathroom, whilst he taps on the door..."can we have a chat"..."I love you so much darling"... etc.. Completely ignoring my distresss and upset.
He constantly asks me if I have met someone else... I haven't and have told him this on many, many occassions.
He has made it quite clear that I am HIS wife and that he will not give up.
I know I cannot stop him from coming into the house..but every single weekend is ruined because he won't listen to me and when I try to talk to him it turns into an argument. I then need to get away from him and spend 10 minutes trying to persuade the kids to come with me... he usaully just smirks at me when they won't.
I just don't know what to do... I find it hard to put down how this makes me feel.. I am exhausted and drained by this.
I have told him that he can't be like this with me and that if he continues I will call the police, he just laughs at this saying "what are they going to do... arrest me for wanting to talk to you...".
I also have 2 abusive and angry teenagers who only ever see daddy being 'nice' to mum and mum getting upset because he won't leave her alone.... I'm the bad one in all of this and are aparently moving in with him when he gets his new flat in 2 weeks time. Again a conversation had with the children independant of me...He works in London, but apparently he has sorted all that out...
In tears as I type... please don't flame me... need good advice and virtual shoulders to cry on please.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 10/10/2010 15:44

Honestly I would change the locks and claim ignorance of the law.

report him for harrassment - it is harrassment.

Or walk out and go out for a drive when he walks in?

Phone womans aid and ask them for help and advice.

Bast · 10/10/2010 16:04

Speak with Women's Aid.

"I have told him that he can't be like this with me and that if he continues I will call the police, he just laughs at this saying "what are they going to do... arrest me for wanting to talk to you..."."

Yes, that is exactly what they will do, for him harassing you, which is exactly what he's doing.

Original poster
fluxy3 · 10/10/2010 16:19

Thank you for your replies.... I'm so fed up by all of this... I knew it would be hard.
I cannot talk to nim, he twists everything..ignores my responses to his questions..in short..just WILL NOT leave me alone. the sneaky texts to the children are upsetting too. I have asked him please just drop the children off.. his reply is that he wants to talk to me. I have nothing to say to him... his idea of talking is repeating the same things over and over and over again.
When I hear the words "can we have a chat" my stomach flips.
I feel like a possession, a thing and feel that he feels that if he pesters me enough, harrasses me enough, goes on at me enough I will 'back down'.
He seriously thinks I would want to be with someone who has upset me and distressed me so much that I am finding it hard to cope and it's affecting my job....

OP posts:
CarGirl · 10/10/2010 16:24

How old are your dc?

Original poster
fluxy3 · 10/10/2010 16:26

13,13 and 10.

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 10/10/2010 18:02

So sorry you're in this position.

I think a good solution would be to have a mediator. He should not be arranging for the children to live with him, he should not be harassing the life out of you and he should not be coming into the house when he no longer lives there.

He is obviously taking no notice of anything you say. How do you think he would communicate if there was a go-between?

Hassled · 10/10/2010 18:06

Would starting divorce proceedings help matters? It might make him throw in the towel, accept what's happened and start acting like a human.

But in the meantime I agree re calling the police - even if they come and do nothing more than have a bit of a word with him, at least he'll take you seriously.

creequealley · 10/10/2010 18:08

equally - could you collect the children or arrange for someone else to collect them so that he has no need to come to your house and you can make an escape more easily.

I'm guessing that what he sees as his attempts to 'mend the marriage' are too little and too late.

atswimtwolengths · 10/10/2010 18:10

If he is staying at his parents' house, couldn't you drop the kids off there and pick them up later?

Have you spoken to his mother about his behaviour?

Can I ask about your original reason for separating? Was he always like this? Have to say he would drive me crazy.

LoveBeingAMardyBum · 10/10/2010 18:11

You need to arrange for someone to be there whenever he is, do not let him in, just take the kids to the door say goodbye an close the door.

CarGirl · 10/10/2010 18:18

I should think your dc are colluding with him because he has promised the world and they've had years of him treating you not very well and think that is a "normal" way to behave to a wife/mother.

It sounds horrendous.

Will you be selling the house for financial settlement?

springlamb · 10/10/2010 18:18

I would sit the teenagers down and explain a bit to them about 'no-one knows what goes on behind closed doors' and that whilst you are not going to start badmouthing their father to them, they are old enough to appreciate that 'what you see is not always what you get'. And continue not to badmouth him. In court, when you get to that stage, their views on where they live will be taken into account, so if they wish to give these new arrangements a try you may have to bite the bullet...but keep their beds made up just in case.
I think as soon as your ex has moved into his flat you should arrange for his stuff to go and then change the locks. This seems an appropriate time.
Can't the teenagers go round to their grandmother's to visit him. If not, and he really has to collect them, could you get another lock fitted to the front door which you use when you are indoors so that he cannot get in. You could just say you are a bit worried about a couple of break-ins, will arrange a key for him 'at some point' (which of course never comes). At least that means you are in control of when he enters the house and can confine it to a quick chat in the hall while the dc get ready.

bigchris · 10/10/2010 18:23

I too think you should start divorce proceedings, change the locks and not let him in
get your solicitor to draw up rules of contact - ie come and collect the children but not come in for a cuppa
if his mum is approachable give her a ring maybe

bigchris · 10/10/2010 18:25

If you act like a strong independent woman who is making it quite clear what the situation is and where the boundaries are your children will see you as strong etc and him as the pestering irritating one
you could also have someone in the house when he comes - your dad, mum, best friend etc so you won't be alone with him

EndangeredSpecies · 10/10/2010 18:26

Turn the tables on him. Could you arrange to meet "for a chat" NOT at your house where he thinks he can do as he pleases but somewhere else you feel safe and can leave if necessary - or have someone else there with you for support. He needs to be caught off guard and have his usual routine, of turning up at your house and hassling you, broken. Then tell him what you intend to do if he continues harrassing you.

Original poster
fluxy3 · 10/10/2010 19:38

I can't beleive how many of you have taken the time to read and respond... thank you to you all...
Usually the children do go to his and are picked up by their nanna... I have tried just opening the door, but last time he just pushed it open past me and walked in..it's an old house with a large door that is difficult for me to hold shut with him pushing from the other side!
WRT selling the house he has told me that the house will go on the market on March 1st (I asked him if that date was significant..said it wasn't..)but he is saying to the children that "the house is going to have be sold you realise.."..beggars belief some of the things he says to them...
As for his mother... well, lets not go there really. Suffice to say she stood screaming at me in my home that I was bad, evil and wicked (all infront of the children) and should never have married her son ( agree with that one.. ) She has actually got what she wanted.. however I doubt she will do me any favours... although it has crossed my mind to ask...
If I try to be strong and independant infront of him, it is ridiculed and he wants to why I am being so definite..."is the reason you are so def. because you've met someone else"...oh my god.
I got yet another 'loving'text off him tonight and he wants to meet... but I really can't.. I just can't talk to him at all...not sure I could put a friend through this too.
I have no family around.. all in the North. The only family I had were his.. and they showed their true colours pretty quickly.
I really need to sort out a solicitor.

OP posts:
bigchris · 10/10/2010 19:42

Maybe you should just tell him you've met someone else if he'll shut up!

CarGirl · 10/10/2010 19:45

Actually I'd start the ball rolling by divorcing him on grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

If the house is going to be sold anyway I'd move into rented housing asap.

Definitely ring WA and get their help & advice.

teaandcakeplease · 10/10/2010 19:47

Yes start divorce proceedings. Arrange contact times elsewhere where possible or go out whilst he see's children. You need some boundaries for you. This sounds awful. Never reply to his texts at all or e-mails or whatnot. Does everyone know you are separated? Sometimes making it more widely known can help reality to set in too.

atswimtwolengths · 10/10/2010 20:14

I'd be looking to move home, nearer to where your friends and family are. I'd want to be away from his and his family as much as possible.

How dare his mother scream at you in front of the children?

If you do go, tell her she's part of the reason why you're going.

Original poster
fluxy3 · 10/10/2010 20:27

I would love to go back up North and be with my family.. but I have a great teaching job and it would really hard for the kids...although I dream about it sometimes!
When his mother was screaming at me...he never came and 'had ago at her'.. all he could say was "this isn't helping is it?" I had to go and get him from the kitchen and ask him to help me.
Oh I could write a book with some of the s**t I have had to put up with from his family and him.
I'm 44 and have been with this person since I was 26... NO MORE. I have had enough and when I think about the things that have happened and the way I have felt and the c*p I have endured because 'he loves me' and 'I'm a good man' and 'I don't beat you up or have affairs' or' I've supported you in everything you wanted to do' or any other s*t that he's twisted... I get angry, really bloody angry.

OP posts:
teaandcakeplease · 10/10/2010 21:03

Book in to see a solicitor, I certainly wouldn't agree to anything financial until you've had legal advice. I feel a bit Hmm about him wanting to sell the house on 1st March too.

I cannot blame you for having reached the point you have with him and his family. Sounds horrendous.

Jux · 10/10/2010 21:11

See a solicitor asap.

Next time he just pushes in to the house, call the cops.

You've told him you will, so do.

Don't waste time being nice to the bastard, just call the cops. Have you mobile in your hand with the number dialled so you only have to press once. When he walks in, go lock yourself in the bathroom and press that button.

Original poster
fluxy3 · 11/10/2010 21:14

Thank you for all your support and repiles... had a bad day today... very emotional and tired. Just so weary from it all really...He called at 8.30 this morning just 'wanting a chat'. I was already late for work and just getting into the car... this upset me, I was snappy with the kids... upset DS, got to work, cried for 10 mins then had to get on with the day with a 'smile' on my face.... another happy start to the week! The rest of the week will be better as long as he doesn't start calling me again...
I'm calling a solicitor tommorrow too... there's no going back and he's just not getting the message.
Thanks again for your support... x

OP posts:
CarGirl · 11/10/2010 21:39

Block his numbers from your mobile?

Actually I'd get a 2nd mobile and only have the first one on when the kids may need to get in touch with you.