Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Some friends do odd things when you you split...

29 replies

FrazzledDad · 09/10/2010 00:26

Some seem unsure about what to do with me now but are quite happy to go on as before with my ex.

Some seem incapable of coping with our split and are unable to commune with with either of us.

Some seem unable to acknowledge that anything out of the ordinary has happened to me and avoid any related discussion like the plague (and no I don't talk about it all the time).

Some seem like they'd rather not see me than ever make an effort to accommodate my child care timetable.

...and some... well, I do have a few left but I'm feeling a bit depleted.

OP posts:
colditz · 09/10/2010 00:32

yeah.... people are dim.

hang onto the ones that are left and get them good presents for Christmas.

TechLovingDad · 09/10/2010 00:43

When ex and I split, she called all our friends and told them I'd cheated on her and she'd chucked me out. They were friends I'd known since infant school but became both our friends when she moved to the area much later.

They chose to believe her without asking my side first. I decided they weren't as good friends as I'd thought so tried to forget about them.

booyhoo · 09/10/2010 00:46

my best friend knew i was planning to ask exp to leave on a certain day, she had been at my house teh night before and we had talked lots about it. then i asked him to leave. i didn't hear anything from her for almost 3 weeks and when she did text it was to ask how my new puppy was Hmm

i still can't get my head around it.

TechLovingDad · 09/10/2010 00:48

was she shagging him?

booyhoo · 09/10/2010 00:52
Grin

no she is very happily engrossed in her DH.

Rachyandmeg · 09/10/2010 02:45

Sometimes people do not know what to say in troubled times.

They may not want to ask you about your break up as they are worried you might think they are being nosey or prying. Its a tricky topic to bring up so thats why some people choose to avoid it until you go to them and are ready to talk.

I dont understand what you mean by accomodating your childcare timetable??

Rachx

nagoo · 09/10/2010 09:10

This is another awful part of breaking up.

I've had it as well. I found the best thing to do was to try to maintain the friendships through texting etc.

And yes, when you've just broken up people are afraid of saying the wrong thing, or that you will put them in an awkward position regarding 'taking sides'.

If you can try to be as 'normal' as possible, avioding the breakup or your ex as topic of conversation, then they will feel a bit more comfortable.

I know that it is awful in these situations when you are the one needing support (and I have been there) but people will (consciously or not) aviod you if they think that you are going to be 'hard work'.

I have written this reply with the scenario in mind that you are the 'wronged party' or that it was an amicable break up?

It could of course be the case that they think that you have behaved like an arse and don't want to be your friend any more?

Elmarjerita · 09/10/2010 09:34

I've definitely found out who my real friends are since dh left! Its only been a week so maybe some people are working up to calling me but there are loads of my friends who have seen dh so know whats happened but I haven't even had a text from Angry

My mum has decided to be "helpful" by not telling anyone dh has left but calling round the family telling everyone to call me so I'm currently having to break the news at least 5 times a day while still reeling from it myself!

PrettyFeckinVacant · 09/10/2010 10:32

I think people treat break-ups like when there has been a bereavement - they dont know what to say so they stay away. Or they may just have the wrong end of the stick and believe that you have done something awful.

I was surprised by a "friend" when I was first reeling from finding out about h's affair. I didn't volunteer the info but she knew something was wrong and asked. I told her what was happening and I could actually see her looking at the door when I was talking. She has made it clear since that she really didn't want to talk about it and so we now just say hello but I dont waste my time on her. This is the woman that goes to church every Sunday and looks down on me because I dont - there is truly nowt so queer as folk Confused

Original poster
FrazzledDad · 09/10/2010 12:01

To answer some of the questions:

Rachyandmeg - sorry my child care timetable comment was a bit cryptic. My time with the kids includes over the weekends. Some friends have a fixation on Friday and Saturday nights. There are weekday evenings would be more convenient for me (maybe it's not worth it if they can't drink too much?). They also seem reluctant to see me in the day at weekends, I presume because my kids are around. I don't have much in the way of baby sitters available.

nagoo - Our split was amicable and I was the wronged party. Most friends don't know what happened however. My ex didn't want to advertise it and I wasn't going to penalised her. I do find myself wondering if some have made assumptions not in my favor.

I think I am being normal and positive and I have carefully avoided talking about the split, my ex, my feelings and even how the kids are doing because I know it is likely to make people feel uncomfortable. Almost nobody asks. Consequently I don't really talk about it.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 09/10/2010 12:12

frazzled, while i completely understand your frustration at your friends only wanting to see you on friday and saturday nights i think you are being a bit UR in that respect. i assume these people work all week. friday and saturday nights are when most people plan to relax, yes it would be considerate of tehm to try and see you during teh week but logistically if i tried to see a friend at their house or even go out for drinks on a week night it would mean paying a fortune for a babysitter (as my parents also work during the week), a late night and also i couldn't have a drink. it wouldn't exactly be my idea of relaxing knowing i had to get up at 6.30 to get all organised for school. and wrt the weekend days, of course they don't want to spend their weekends with otehr people's children.

Original poster
FrazzledDad · 09/10/2010 12:27

booyhoo - most of those ones don't have their own kids. Also, your comment is basically validating my point. I am flexible. What I don't want is to feel that unless I am, they won't be bothered with me. It doesn't always have to be drinking and staying up late does it? I suspect this is a difference between parent and non-parents. Maybe I just being too sensitive.

Another point is that when the friends with kids become more distant my dcs don't get to see some of their friends.

OP posts:
Elmarjerita · 09/10/2010 12:30

Frazzled how old are your dcs? I'm sure there are lots of things you can do with them to meet new people. Where I live there are lots of dads groups that run on a saturday, maybe you could enquire at your local library or surestart centre.

I do sympathise but I suspect that what you are feeling atm is how a lot of new mums feel during the day when they are home alone with the dcs. I think you need to look at this differently - you don't have as much in common with your old friends anymore but I bet there are lots of other dads in the same situation as you, you just need to go and find them Wink

booyhoo · 09/10/2010 12:33

i agree, it is difference between parents and nonparents. the difference being that you chose to have children, not them. it is up to you to be flexible, they shouldn't have to change their way of relaxing and chilling because you have dcs.

if your dcs are missing tehri friends then get in touch with teh parenst and let them know that. try and arrange tiems for the dcs to all meet and play together. don't leave it up to teh other parents. put your feeling sof abandonment by the parnets aside for your dcs' sake

booyhoo · 09/10/2010 12:34

sorry, my typing is awful.

Original poster
FrazzledDad · 09/10/2010 15:21

Ok booyhoo, I understand your point now. I may like to think I'd behave differently if I was them, but the fact is I can't really imagine their situation anymore.

I have made quite and effort to talk to people and try and make arrangements for the DCs. Some have been as good as they always were but more I would say have been non-committal, not got back to me or made excuses etc in a way that they never used to. I'm not naive enough to think that everything would be the same after what's happened, but I am surprised about the situation with respect to the kids.

I wouldn't have drawn parallels with my situation and that of a SAHM. I did have to make a lot of friend adjustments when my dd was born however (I didn't have any friends with kids at that time). My life changed and I had much less spare time. I had to recalibrate relationships with old friends (some drifted) and make new friend who had more in common with my new life - to some extent I feel like I'm doing this all over again.

I think you make a good point Elmarjerita. I don't know many people in my situation; I have one single mum friend and I don't know any single dads. This has only just occurred to me. I discovered Dadtalk last night which I think I'll investigate further.

It's not all bad. Some of my friends have been very good, including two (one a non-dad) who have really surprised me. My kids have also made friends very quickly with the kids in my new road.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrazzledDad · 09/10/2010 15:24

My dcs are 6 and 3 btw.

OP posts:
ginnny · 10/10/2010 13:59

I have been in this situation, I kept my friends he kept his and all the mutual friends now avoid me like the plague as he got his side of the story in first and they believed him Sad.
I am happy that the people that matter have stuck by me and the ones that haven't weren't worth knowing anyway.

QueenofWhatever · 10/10/2010 21:25

Similar to ginny. None of our friends have talked to me, none of his friends or family have acknowledged me. I left because of his prolonged abuse, I have no idea what story he told them. My sister and Dad also sided with him and I now have no contact at all with my family. I left with four friends - my best friends, an ex-work colleague and two of my ante-natal friends. At least I know where I stand!

battyburpthebarbaric · 10/10/2010 21:35

Same story here

I have so called friends who were my friends first who don't talk to me now.

Their loss.

taokiddy · 10/10/2010 21:40

God, yes. Its soooo hard. Just when you need your friends they all seem to disappear... Don't think one friend of mine/ ours has rung or been round asking if i'm ok or need any help or anything! Think they just feel awkward because we were together so long all our friends were joint friends. But all very depressing nonetheless and makes you feel even more alone :(

Ragwort · 10/10/2010 21:43

Well, just to put another view - my friend recently split from her DH after YEARS of talking about their problems (I am not exagerating) - I felt I had been a good friend at endlessly listening to her - but she never, ever talked about anything else and yes, to be honest, I did get fed up going over and over the same ground. She never asked about anything going on in my life or about my DC (understand she might not want to talk about my DH Grin) - the 'friendship' became totally one-sided. Once she was 'single' she acquired a new set of friends into night clubbing etc where our previous social life had been totally different - made me feel that I was a real bore for not wanting to join her in something I had never done in my life before. Not saying any of you are like this but just want to put another side across; and yes, I do feel sad that what I thought was a good friendship has now ended.

battyburpthebarbaric · 10/10/2010 21:43

We were together 24 years, so all our friends were joint friends.

Apart from literally one or two that were mine. He didn't approve of most of mine.

And one of the few that I kept was the one I know he told people that I was having an affair with and had left him for (wasn't true btw)~

mildsteeljoyce · 10/10/2010 21:44

Oh Queen, it's tough isn't it? How could your own family turn against you?

At least only my ex husband's family did that. I couldn't bear it if my family did too. I'm very Angry and Sad for you.

Spero · 10/10/2010 21:52

I think it is actually a positive thing. Because they can't have been very good friends if they a) drop you like you're hot b) can't be bothered to get your side of the story or c) are too emotionally stunted to even text to say 'hope you're ok, lets meet up and have a chat'.

I had two 'friends' I lost - one I sent an emotional email saying I was going to leave exp (I was overseas at the time)- heard NOTHING until six months later when she emailed me to ask if I knew a good divorce lawyer for her friend!!!

You really don't want people like this in your life; why waste a moment regretting them. Find some better friends and be grateful you found out before you wasted any more time on them.