Is DH an emotional abuser?

[TheRedSalamander]

I need to get some perspective here. Have been mulling things over for a while and I would really welcome MN opinion on this.

I have read some of the links that IseeGraceAhead has posted on the NPD/Abusive partner recovery thread and DH's behaviour does tick a number of the boxes. What I need to understand is how serious it is. For example if he is just a 1/10 on the scale then maybe yes he's a bit unkind but not something I should be putting in the same sentence as emotional abuse. Part of the reason I'm asking is that I really want to talk to him about how I'm feeling (although I am finding this very difficult as he doesn't want to hear what I have to say about "us") and being able to put this all into some kind of context would help my muddled brain.

He will say I'm being weird and odd for raising such an issue, and although I know that this is one of the things that should start alarm bells ringing, there is the possibility that I am just being a bit odd and am over-reacting. Having a few folks to help me get some perspective would really help. Can someone ask a few questions of me that I can answer that might help me work it all out please?

Problem being I work part time, am struggling to pay off a loan and contribute 1/2 the bills and so being able to spend cash on him is a total no-no. Can't even spend cash on myself! Hence he's the one that has to lend me money for tyres/pay for family stuff.

(BTW when I agreed with you Newname I was agreeing that it wasn't v supportive!)

Don't know if this will help Red but just wondered - did you tell him what you needed? That you needed him to put his arms around you etc etc? One thing I have learnt from my counsellor is that if something is bothering me I must state what is bothering me, but the most important bit is to then say exactly what I need.

Like, "I hate it when you speak aggressively - I need you to talk calmly and quietly."

It sounds like he is scrabbling around trying to work out what to do, what it is you want - from your gig example.

I do know where you're coming from with all this. I had a big discussion with my DH recently about his behaviour and we both concluded, through tears, that he not may be a person I can be together with. That his behaviours are so alien to me and so upsetting, that we may just be really poorly matched. Actually that was a major low for us both and things have looked up since then. Maybe your DH needs to hit that sort of rock bottom point before he really starts to listen to you??

That's the problem with an emotionally abusive relationship. No matter how carefully you word something, it will always be wrong and there will always be some reason for the EA to take umbridge (spelling?) at what was said.
I spent years trying to work out how come everything I said was wrong, the way I said it was wrong etc. eventually I realised that actually, there was nothing wrong with what I was saying, H just decided to make everything into an argument, the end result was always that I was actually to blame for all our problems. I was too demanding, too needy, expected him to do too much etc. etc.
I was the one who always ended up having to compromise.

And actually I think the cancelling of the gig tickets was to show TRS to be careful for what she wishes for. Petulance really.

How's it going, Red?