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Original poster

Alarm bells?

40 replies

poshsinglemum · 05/10/2010 20:36

I've ''met'' another man on the net.

TBH I don't look his photo and think ''wow'' but he's not a complete minger and I don't want to base my relationship on looks.

Anyways he seems like quite a nice guy BUT I am wondering if the following are red flags;

He seems a bit too keen. Weve not even met on a first date and already he texted me first thing this morning and last thing last night. When I didn't answer he said I wasn't very chatty when reality I was plain busy with getting breakfast done and dd sorted.

He has a ten month old son and reckons that his ex wasn't very nice. Is this projection?

He has mentioned marriage and babies already as he really wants a proper family etc.
He has referred to my dd as a little princess.

He wants to pick me up on a first date. I don't think taht this is safe or appropriate as I don't know him although he did understand when I voiced my concerns.

What do you rekon? Creep or genuinely nice guy? Trouble is he keeps saying I sound really sweet etc but he dosn't even know me.

OP posts:
nagoo · 05/10/2010 20:40

creepy. Run fast.

scottishmummy · 05/10/2010 20:44

listen to your instincts,if you have msisgivings now id stay clear.why dont you buy a payg phone for dating so no one gets your real number til you trust them

imtheonlyone · 05/10/2010 20:46

Hi,

I met my current partner on match, and if I'm honest, our relationship started off a bit like this. I think there's only one way to know and that's to go out with him and see what happens when you meet him face to face. I would go for something very casual though, maybe a lumch time date rather than an evening meet?

My DP and I had a lot of texting and talking on the phone that got really quite flirty (iyswim!!Wink).

I'm probably quite naive about stuff like this and lucky that it's all worked out very well for me. I would suggest in the first instance that he's mentioned the whole marriage and baby thing because he's just trying to be honest with you about what he's looking for and doesn't want you to be under any illusions as to what he wants!

I remember texting my DP before we'd even met that I felt there was something between us and he felt the same. It doesn't always mean that they're a creep, although I can understand your concerns!

I received texts first thing and last thing ... I quite liked it really, but then I had had 3 years of hell from my XH!

He does sound keen but then maybe he just really likes the sound of you ....

Good luck! x

thatsnotmyfruitshoot · 05/10/2010 20:51

Agree with imtheonlyone. Go for a casual drink or lunch (meeting him there) and if he's a creep, nothing lost. Internet dating is a total minefield.

I met lovely DP in a similar way - months on, he has texted me first thing in the morning and last thing at night every day since we met. With him it's not remotely creepy, just sweet.

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 05/10/2010 20:51

He sounds keen and he does sound sweet. I think he dosn't want a one night stand and neither do I that's why he mentioned the marriage and baby thing.. I think that i am being shallow and basing the whole thing on looks to much.

I will go on one date with him and see if it works out.

I've just been burned so many times that I don't know who to trust anymore.

OP posts:
proudnglad · 05/10/2010 20:52

Sorry I would find every single one of those things a total turn off. There again I am a harsh cynic with ice in my veins (I exaggerate but you get the picture).

I suppose give him benefit of the doubt meet him once, but really don't let him pick you up at your house.

scottishmummy · 05/10/2010 20:52

get a payg phone for dating

Pixie83 · 05/10/2010 20:58

Be careful posh - how can a rational person be 'too keen' on someone they've never met? That would be a huge red flag for me! As would be the remark about you not being chatty; talking about marriage and babies (WHAT!); already slating his ex to you; referring to your daughter as a little princess; and wanting to pick you up...... ie everything you've said about him worries me, actually.

This may sound a bit blunt but what is it about him that would make you want to go on a date with him now anyway? If you still go, just don't let him pick you up. I wouldn't want someone that needy knowing where I live, personally.

There are loads of lovely men out there (contrary to what you read on here, ha ha) - so why even try with someone like this?

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 05/10/2010 21:02

Yes- I'm so trying so hard to see the good in people. In the past I have avoided the nice guys and ended up with bastards so I don't want to turn away any more nice guys but how nice is too nice?

TBH almost everything is an alarm bell for me at the moment as I am so cynical!

OP posts:
FakePlasticTrees · 05/10/2010 21:03

I tend to be of the opinion it's best to listen to your alarm bells.

Tryingnottoswear · 05/10/2010 21:10

Be very very careful. I don't like the sound of a few things you have mentioned. Really be careful. Actually, some of the behaviours you have highlighted are typical of men that are controlling/abusive. And on top of that you have a daughter to be concerned about...
Can't advise enough caution here.

celticfairy101 · 05/10/2010 21:22

@ Pixie + 1

dignified · 06/10/2010 01:53

I think id be a bit cautious as well. I wouldnt like the early morning call unless it was arranged , nor would i like the not chatty remark. Sureley he knows youve got dcs to get ready ect .

He sounds a bit needy and keen , if your going to go on this date do NOT let him pick you up. And yes , the comments about his ex arent very nice , i bet it was all her fault ect.

colditz · 06/10/2010 01:59

Run.

I had a brief boyfriend just like this.

he was a NIGHTMARE. massive Madonna/Whore complex, put me on a total pedastal (we went to a chinese buffet for lunch and I wasn't very hungry so only had a small meal - "I'm happy to see you're not greedy, I hate to see a woman eat as much as me" - er, when I'm hungry, I do, just like every other memeber of the human race that isn't anorexic!), rang me about 20 times a day but always rang off with "Anyway, you should be giving attention to your children, not talking to me on the phone"

Nightmare.

BitOfFun · 06/10/2010 02:22

The biggest no-no signs to me would be a) slagging his ex off, and b)wanting to meet you at your home on a first meeting.

He might just be naive about online dating, but it seems that he is ignoring basic safety procedures for you, which is disrespectful, and the fact he is disrespectful about his ex, who he had a child with.

I also think that scottishmummy's tip about the separate phone is eminently sensible.

Just make sure that if you do date him, you adhere to basic dating advice about meeting in a public place and telling somebody where you are.

TechLovingDad · 06/10/2010 02:26

He sounds a bit weird, yes. Bit too in your face.

I'd be careful about giving people your mobile number too soon, too. Cos if you decide not to see him again, he still has your number. Agree with getting a pay as you go, just for "dates".

FallingWithStyle · 06/10/2010 02:35

Not sure if he would ring alarm bells - just sounds a bit of a drip, so for me he would be a no-no on that basis.

Also I wonder whether you're trying to pin him as some kind of weirdo so that you feel justified in blowing him out?

You dont sound at all keen so I dont understand why you are pursuing it. Its fine to not be attracted to him - just because he shows an interest in you does not mean you are obliged to reciprocate.

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 06/10/2010 09:14

I think the reason why I want a date is just in case he's really nice or not at all wierd etc. This is partly because I can't really tell that much from someone online (although his behaviour gives me a clue) but also because I have turned down some really nice, keen men in the past in favour of the bastards.

It sounds really shallow but I just didn't fancy him on his photos. He's not at all ugly, in fact some would say he's fit as he's tall, well built etc but something didn't do it for me. However, I was a bit intrigued as he seemed keen. I just think it's shallow to base relationships on what someone looks liek on a photo when he might be really phwoar in the flesh.

It just seem like the Mr Darcy aloof types turn out to be bastards as do the super keen, leave nothing to the imagination types.

W£hat is the happy medium? Someon eplease tell me. What are the good signs?

OP posts:
Original poster
poshsinglemum · 06/10/2010 09:17

sorry bad typos.

OP posts:
Pixie83 · 06/10/2010 09:33

Posh there is a happy medium, really there is! I would say more men fall into that category than the aloof bastards and the needy ones, definitely. And I can't help thinking that you're more likely to meet the needy ones on the net, unfortunately.

There's nothing wrong with not seeing this date through - the fact that you don't fancy him and the warning signs you are getting are more than enough to justify that. You don't owe him anything at all.

You don't need another child to look after, you need a grown up man, and he doesn't sound like one to me! And just because someone isn't mega keen from the outset and you do fancy them, they don't have to turn out to be a bastard.

IMO the good signs are - fancying someone, at least a bit. Getting the impression that he has his own life, ie his own interests, his own friends, his wider family network, which means he isn't constantly phoning you because he has a life. When you first meet someone I don't think it's normal to be phoning them all the time, a couple of times a week more like, I think, unless you're about 14! What's the big hurry? If someone I met had nothing else to do other than phone or see me constantly, I would wonder why their life had been so empty before!

This may sound nuts but when I was single I went out with some right dodgy men; I just didn't seem to be able to get it right, and, like you, it seemed like all men were either end of the scale with nothing in the middle. One night I sat down and wrote a man wish list and wrote down the ten most important things I wanted in a man - eg one of mine was that I wanted a man who would be a positive and supportive father figure for my child, as like you I had one already. I could tell you the rest of my 10 but don't want to send you to sleep! I pinned it on my wall and from that point on, even without specifically checking off points, when I met someone I pretty much knew right off if I wanted to pursue things or not, just from thinking it through in a logical way.

Sorry this was so long BTW!

scottishmummy · 06/10/2010 09:43

well you seeking advice and uncertain=bad sign

be more dating savvy
buy a payg mobile phone
dont give out home address

Justthisone · 06/10/2010 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madonnawhore · 06/10/2010 12:57

All those things you describe would put me right off I'm afraid. Nothing worse than someone who's needy.

Am especially creeped out by him calling your DD a 'little princess', it's over familiar imo.

Faaamily · 06/10/2010 12:58

Everything you have said rings alarm bells for me.

He sounds immature, needy and maybe a bit of a fantasist.

Hullygully · 06/10/2010 13:03

yep. desperate and creepy