Recovery after DH's emotional affair

[snugglepiggy]

Several months on from discovering DH's emotional affair - felt I was doing well but the last couple of days have had a major wobble.Felt almost as bad as when I initially found out - angry,upset and very, tearful.Think I'm hitting the menopause which doesn't help with roller coaster emotions.We had a brilliant counsellor to talk to over a few weeks in the summer - DH's idea to go and since I found out about OW (her husband saw multiple texts on her phone and spoke to my DH who then immediately told all)We've talked so much and my DH really couldn't have done more.Ceased contact immediately by re-organising work,initiated counselling,repeatedly answered my many questions,told me how stupid he was and how much he regrets hurting me and realizes just how much he loves me.And yet more than he realizes I often feel so mixed up and looking back over the months he was 'involved' with OW (about an hour a day during week but via hundreds of text messages)still pre-occupies my thoughts.I feel so frustated because some days I feel lot stronger,calmer and happier and I really want to concentate on the future ,but I feel trapped by our recent past.Just wanted to vent on here tonight as I don't want to keep flinging it all back in his face over and over again.He's a lovely guy and we've had a long and happy marriage and prior to this he's never let me down.Someone please just re-assure me you do recover eventually and help me hang on in there!

It takes about 2 years to fully recover from this type of betrayal. Eventhough your DH is doing and saying all the right things it will take a lot of time for you to feel secure again. Don't be too hard on yourself, these 'wobbles' are to be expected.
There is a very good book called 'When will I trust you again', can't remember the author, Andrew or Anthony Something, will find out and let you know. He takes you through all the stages of recovery, etc.

'How Can I ever Trust You Again' by Andrew G. Marshall. I read hundreds and this was the most helpful.

How long have you been together? Have you got children?

I have just discovered similiar,can't bear the thought of 2 years to recover

Can't stop crying and being angry. Can't hide it from the dc

You have written my post toptulip. I am really struggling.

No advice I can give op but I am really feeling for you.

oh so sorry Toptulip to her youve just found out.Feel for you because I was so trusting nd thought we were really solid- grown up kids and together almost 30yrs. Thanks for posts girls.got to work now but will be back this pm.don't like to post when he's around cos he thinks I'm ok mainly but at times when i wobble it feels like I've stepped back to the day I found out.Toptulip my DC's found out and have been really supportive and said they would have known something wrong anyway and hated being kept in dark.Been amazing with both of us-so proud of them but didn't go into major details.just to ressure not full hysical affair.Must go-speak later.

Hi snugglepiggy, sounds like you are going through a tough time, and toptulip and ohemgee - think there are a lot of us out there, sadly. My H also had an emotional affair though he added into the mix a protracted stage of denial and gaslighting.

It can be as hard to recover from as a physical affair, or harder in some cases. Certainly I found the chatty, friendly comments hurt badly, and the disclosures about our family life really really hurt, almost more so than the thought that he was lusting after her.

I have a slightly different perspective on the recovery than lolass though which I think demonstrates the uniqueness of each couples' experience.

I discovered my H's affair this year, feb/march time and I'd say we're through it now. For me, my recovery was more affected by the actions my H took after it all came out - than the actual details of the affair. Each stage of my recovery was sort of precipitated by a sign that he had actually distanced himself from her.

Did you get to the bottom of why he had the affair in the first place? I think this is crucial for your recovery. If he was able to identify what led him to allow this to happen, you might be more likely to feel you'd got to the bottom of the cause of it and were less likely to ever face this issue again. Did the counsellor help him with that?

I am still in the process of discovering the extent of it. He is abroad at the moment and not back for another week. It's all the in jokes and the effort he has put in to his messages that's destroying me. Can't stop crying. My gorgeous DDs are the only thing keeping me going. Sorry for hijacking op, its so good to find other people dealing with this. Out of interest has anyone ever confronted the ow? How easily did your husbands break contact with them? I don't want to ban him from interacting with her as surely that will be counterproductive?

Sorry ohmegee. Who is the OW? Does he work with her or see her regularly? It sounds really hard for you right now.

I didn't exactly confront the OW but I did have a 'discussion' with her about their mutual attraction. All very grownup but actually would have loved to have punched her lights out. I still would whenever I think of the way she befriended our whole family, was oh-so great friends with our kids etc.

What have you found so far?

Ohmegee - your post rings bells with me - the don't want to ban their contact bit.

I didn't want to ban contact either as I trusted my H to be above board about it all and thought he would intuitively know 'safe' and 'unsafe' behaviours. I have now learnt that putting clear boundaries in place is essential. If that means you have to ban contact with someone, or say have it as professional contact only, because that is all you are happy with, then that is reasonable.

It took me a lot of convincing that that last point was OK. Convincing on here from MNers and through a counsellor.

Yes they work together, I have only met her a handful of times. Really do feel like punching her lights out l2w but in all seriousness would love to hear her take on the situation and if she would maintain as dh has that its all banter. All I see is secrecy, flirty messages and inappropriateness. I'm so sorry for taking over this thread op.

Why don't you start your own thread ohmegee as lots of people here would offer help/opinion?

Like you, my H said it was all just banter. But the bottom line is that if that banter makes you uncomfortable, he should stop. He should not deny your feelings. If you were having this type of contact with another man, how would he feel? Ask him. And then think how you would respond if he said he was uncomfortable - I bet you'd say that you would stop.

It took me ages to get to the point of realising that if I was unhappy with contact with OW, then that was valid and it was his responsibility to act on those feelings, not dismiss them. It took me weeks and weeks of my own threads about it to have the confidence to say that to him.

Maybe describe some of the 'flirty, inappropriate' texts and see what others think? Just as a way of getting a reality check on them? People will also tell you if you're getting your knickers in a twist over nothing!

Thanks l2w, may do that. Best wishes to everyone dealing with this.

Perhaps the '2 year' recovery timescale is wrong, mine was a full blown physical affair where he was actually thinking of leaving us for the OW.(she gave him an ultimatim within 6 weeks of starting the affair, her or me ?!)It was 16 months ago and I am recovering because we are putting right what was wrong in our marriage (largely sexual problems, lack of desire on my part), spending time together, etc. And he is doing and saying all the right things. Also he has NO contact with her, they work for the same company but in different depts.,I have had the horrible experience of being at the same social event as her. I act like she is not there so does DH while lavishing attention on me.
He was an idiot but she was a predator and moved tge affair along at an alarming pace. I do not wish her the best !

Perhaps the '2 year' recovery timescale is wrong, mine was a full blown physical affair where he was actually thinking of leaving us for the OW.(she gave him an ultimatim within 6 weeks of starting the affair, her or me ?!)It was 16 months ago and I am recovering because we are putting right what was wrong in our marriage (largely sexual problems, lack of desire on my part), spending time together, etc. And he is doing and saying all the right things. Also he has NO contact with her, they work for the same company but in different depts.,I have had the horrible experience of being at the same social event as her. I act like she is not there so does DH while lavishing attention on me.
He was an idiot but she was a predator and moved tge affair along at an alarming pace. I do not wish her the best !

Sorry, new to this, didn't mean to post that twice!

Thanks LOLASS for book advice-will order.This is first time I've posted on MN but over the months kept looking in and reading some great advice and support.Had much better day today and that's happening a lot more often-was just stunned by how bad I suddenly felt again at w/end.I did ask my DH to delete her number and cease all contact with OW and he took immediate steps to reorganise work(luckily was able to avoid her straight away) I did speak to her several days later as by then I'd got more of a picture of just how persistent her texting had been-and how it had become very intimate and suggestive in the days prior to discovery.It's now clear that whilst my DH was an idiot to keep replying and allowing her to push to meet him she got far more emotionally involved and fond of him-and i think got huge shock at how he just did not want to see her again. The counsellor helped us to see what made my DH behave so out of character- how he'd gradually allowed himself to believe with each step it was just a harmless friendship-flirting within safe boundaries-but in reality had crossed those boundaries and entered into a much more potentially dangerous situation.The counsellor also said it was perfectly acceptable for me to insist on ceasing contact if this was feasible -and this helped because ridiculously in with all the other raging emotions I felt guilty about this.Felt I was being controlling and denying his freedom of choice.He repeatedly assures me that he had a massive wake up call and realizes he wouldn't be sorry if he never saw her again ,and what he stood to loose if things had gone on longer or developed further-which I now feel is what she wanted.I know we've had a lucky escape-but at times I still feel blown away by how many weeks/months he was able to seem perfectly normal-even talking to me several times a day or poppng in home for lunch whilst talking/texting to her multiple times a day.Trust will take some time to recover I can tell you!Will read that book.Strongly recommend counselling if you can find a good one.

Gosh ! I also believe, while not excusing my DH's behaviour that OW manipulated and led the affair and he ,stupidly , went along. He was flattered and in midlife crisis time, was easily taken along.
But now he hates seeing her at work(on the rare occasion), goes out of his way to avoid her. He feels he's been reminded of his mistake and can't believe what a fool he was and wishes she would go back to her country. She relocated (aged32 !) because she was so sure he'd leave me/us.Completly delusional!
We did have councilling and it did help. A lot was wrong in the marriage.
I understand your 'wobbles' and the feeling like it had just been discovered. That feeling will diminish and the 'wobbles' get further and further apart and eventually stop.
You actually spoke to her ! How did you manage that without wanting to kill her ? That's why I avoid/ignore her because I don't trust myself not to lose my temper.
Phew ! Our marriages will be stronger as a result of having been through all this .

Not sure how i stayed civil at the time -now i'd like to pull out chunks of hair!Just felt I had to make her understand how her stupid attention seeking needy behaviour had caused havoc in a long and happy marriage.Guess in a mean way wanted to let her know my DHhad told me all and didn't give a stuff about her nd her future-bitchy realy but made me feel better at the time.Thanks again- I know the gaps between wobbles are lengthening-just got scared the other day that after all the effort we've both put in for months I was regressing right back.Will defo read that book and reassure DH that I need to and not that I'm changing my mind about him and us which is wht he fears.What are we like!

My first time posting on MN but I had to respond to Lolass post. I was previously involved with a married man, I had no idea he was married initially as he was working away from home, he would take days even a week off work and without going 'home' even staying down at weekends, there were no calls to the office for him and he NEVER mentioned being married. This guy went all out to get me - eventually he let slip one day about the kids bikes or something and then said well he was married but they were just together for the kids. Well fast forward to his dw finding out she obviously didn't know they were just together for kids! - he told her I pursued him, he promised not to contact me and to tell her if I tried to contact him - while all the time telling me what was going on and begging me to 'stay' with him! Well we did finish, and not because he wanted to but because I did! But it really annoys me still that she obviously believed him at the time and I was portrayed as hunting him etc., I have kept all his pleading emails, if she had ever contacted me she would have seen proof of a very different story than she had heard. So my point really is you cannot always believe that the OW went running after your DH, or that your DH won't have/doesn't want contact with her anymore.

My husband's ex OW knew he was married from the beginning as they work for the same company and know the samepeople.. All affairs are different .I know he was a fool but, believe me, she did persue him. I saw all the emails and texts.I really don't want to supply any more details but I am fully aware of what happened. My Husband wants our relationship to work. She still tries to contact him.
Please leave it there , Anotherpointofview, You have had a very different experience to me.

I think it a really helpful post from anotherpointofview

She is demonstrating that you have to question everything you are being told in this type of situation. If someone has already been deceitful (by having an affair) you then must question their explanations etc. and not assume what they say is entirely accurate.

Obviously someone can re-build trust, but that's some way down the line.

Well I am glad Lolass that you have all the facts about it, I suppose that was the point I was trying to make in a way. I'm sure yourself and husband will get through it and be stronger for it.

Thank you, Anotherpointofview,I do get your point.There is no 'one fits all'in these situations but affairs normally happen in troubled marriages. My husband was lonley and I was selfish and we have been through hell.and back trying to put things right. We know the only way forward is to be honest and I do question everything he says.
Best of luck to you and I hope you find someone nice and deserving of you.

I did Lolass and he is wonderful :)