Recovery after DH's emotional affair

[snugglepiggy]

Several months on from discovering DH's emotional affair - felt I was doing well but the last couple of days have had a major wobble.Felt almost as bad as when I initially found out - angry,upset and very, tearful.Think I'm hitting the menopause which doesn't help with roller coaster emotions.We had a brilliant counsellor to talk to over a few weeks in the summer - DH's idea to go and since I found out about OW (her husband saw multiple texts on her phone and spoke to my DH who then immediately told all)We've talked so much and my DH really couldn't have done more.Ceased contact immediately by re-organising work,initiated counselling,repeatedly answered my many questions,told me how stupid he was and how much he regrets hurting me and realizes just how much he loves me.And yet more than he realizes I often feel so mixed up and looking back over the months he was 'involved' with OW (about an hour a day during week but via hundreds of text messages)still pre-occupies my thoughts.I feel so frustated because some days I feel lot stronger,calmer and happier and I really want to concentate on the future ,but I feel trapped by our recent past.Just wanted to vent on here tonight as I don't want to keep flinging it all back in his face over and over again.He's a lovely guy and we've had a long and happy marriage and prior to this he's never let me down.Someone please just re-assure me you do recover eventually and help me hang on in there!

I think it's helpful to get another point of view too and like Loves says, this is why it is so important to see E mails, texts, phone bills and other bits of what I call "incontrovertible evidence".

Can I however challenge you lolass on your assertion that affairs normally happen in unhappy marriages? I am worried that this statement might set back some of the other contributors to this thread, who know that their marriage was perfectly happy before the affair started and what's more, are being reassured by their husbands that the affair was absolutely not attributable to dissatisfaction levels in the marriage.

That might be true in your case and if so, it is helpful to acknowledge that, but it isn't always the case at all and I would hesitate to say any longer that it is even "normally" the case.

I do however think it is "normally" the case that this is used as a pre or post-affair justification by unfaithful parties, but thankfully not all.

Affairs happen in happy marriages too.

Perhaps I am just seeing it from my own situation. But, really, if a marriage was 'perfectly happy' why would one go outside the marriage? Have an affair just for the hell of it ?Cause all that hurt,etc., when they were already happy?
Sense of adventure? Midlife crisis? As I've said before, each situation is unique but the vast majority of affairs occur in marriages where one or both parteners are not happy.

Good. Every situation is different.

Lolass I could write a book in answer to your questions, but to you and anyone on this thread who still might be struggling with all this, can I recommend instead Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. This was the best book I ever read about infidelity and its core message is that affairs happen in good marriages.

To the other contributors on this thread and especially the OP, please don't let anyone tell you that they cannot, because if you and your partner believe that your marriage was sound, but that he wasn't for a time, all this is likely to make you feel worse, not better.

Lolass you are entitled to your opinion, but please accept that it is just that, perhaps based on your own experience. Unfortunately people who refuse to believe that affairs can happen in happy marriages and state their opinions as fact, cause others a lot of frustration, irritation and sometimes pain, especially if other posters are only at the start of their recovery.

I'm sure that wasn't your intention and your motives in posting were to help, but all I can ask is that you challenge your thinking on this. You have said yourself, all affairs are different - please accept therefore that for many people, there was nothing wrong with the marriage, but there was a lot wrong with the person who was unfaithful.

I also found texts on dh phone, confronted him, fell out and I left for a week as I was in shock, after about 4 months I was just starting to feel like getting closer to him again and moving in right direction then I bumped into them in town (DH and OW)! I was so shocked AND with my friend (humiliation or what) I couldnt even speak I just carried on walking. He, as always, insisted it was just friendship and she was his shoulder to cry on through our 'tough times' I am still not totally settled and okay with it, he promises they have not seen eachother since but what do I know???? this was in March.
Its hard hard hard..I love him as a husband and father but hate him for not being able to talk to me but being able to talk to another woman

I also see what Anotherpoint of view means by her post but Lolass my situation is more like yours -when i spoke to OW she at lest had decency to admit she intiated and provoked the contact far more.Also don't want to go into details but I completely trust now my DH told me honest version of how the relationship developed and counselling sorted ouy why.Lolass I can only begin to imagine the hell you've experienced with knowing it was also physical and it sounds like you've been incredibly brave and strong to get to this point in just 6/7 months.It gave me great encouragement the other day.We now make a 'dte' to sit nd really talk about how we feel emotionally and with each other and it's relly helping.Of course I can still blurt out at any time but we are going to carry on with this so we don't take each other's feelings or thoughts for granted.Got to run but thanks you lot ou there.

It happened 16 months ago,snuggle..., at the 6/7 month stage I was still very up and down. I am so pleased that yours did not get to the physical stage because that really hurts . I had rejected him sexually, telling him I didn't fancy him, which was not really the case. Let's just say I;ve learned to 'let myself go' in that department and it's great now ! Counselling sorted out lots of issues for us also reading lots of books on relationships including' Better Relationships(Practical ways to make your love last), by Sarah litvinoff.
You are doing really well ! I especially like 'the date to sit and really talk', we have 2 teens and one younger so we walk the dog every evening to talk and just 'be alone/together' !
Best wishes and thank you for your post. x

sorry lolaas re-read my earlirer post and re-ealized got your time scale wrong-appologies.Also just wanted to acknowledge littlemisslost and say how dreadful for you.My initial reaction was to ask DH to leave for first few days as found it hard just to be in same room so can understand that you left.Since then have you really been unable to get him to talk?How hurtful if not and can fully understand your anger if he's still talking to her.Realize now how lucky I've been to have DH who would talk,explain in full and get help fom outside.Heart goes out to you.Also to echo WhenwillIfeel normal I would say we were a happy couple ,and DH can see now that whilst there were minor bugs at the time he wasn't looking outside our marriage or disliking me or loving me less(I found that impossible to get my head round at first)It was just a perfect storm of circumstances- ultra flirty ,needy woman -not actually having to lie directly to me and the insidous way it developed slowly so although he says now he was very wrong , at the time he was able to kid himself it was still in harmless friendship boundaries-when clearly not any more!So yes not all affairs start as a result of a marriage in trouble I would say.

I too was guilty of pushing dh away, sexually in particular and now I find it REALLY hard and we still havent slept together since I bumped into them in town earlier this year. was just starting to get close before aswell
I guess time will tell, for ALL of us in this situation and I actually find the confiding/talking/emotional support thing more difficult to deal with than I would sex.
I always thought we could talk to eachother about ANYTHING and hated the fact that he had been using somebody else for that, when i confronted her she said they had bbeen 'friends' for about a year and that we (dh and myself) had been having a few problems and I had to admit that and he needed some support