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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you always blow the whistle on a man who cheated?

59 replies

Pixie83 · 04/10/2010 12:59

Just pondering this one and would be really interested to know opinions please?

Without going into too much detail (for obvious reasons..), a relative of mine (male) is engaged to a lovely girl, and they already have a child together. He has always had a rep as a bit of a tart, but somehow he seems to have managed to keep his murky past away from his F. However, we have some mutual friends and we heard through them (and he later admitted it to us) that he cheated on his F when she had just given birth to their child. At the time he said it was a drunken mistake and it would never happen again. As he was out with a large group of friends at the time, it seemed that everyone knew about it apart from his F, who never found out.

Recently we have heard rumours that it has happened again since. My DP says we should stay out of it, but as a woman I can't help feeling bad that I'm standing back and letting her marry someone who she surely wouldn't, if she knew what was going on.

However, I don't feel I have the right to steam in and tell her, especially now, as we are not close friends, but just know each other through (fairly distant) family ties. If she were my sister or personal close friend, I don't think I would have to think twice about telling her.

So - do you think, as a woman, that you should never allow men to get away with cheating on somebody and always tell, or keep out of it unless the woman is a close friend/relative of yours?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/10/2010 23:00

footlong...do you think the woman in question should be excluded then ?

if it's all just malicious gossip, then it won't matter if she knows will it ?

I would like to know if my relationship was the subject of speculation and even ridicule...would you not ?

Footlong · 04/10/2010 23:07

Of course it will matter if it is malicous gossip... hearing malicous things when not needed is a pointless painless endeavour.

Almost every relationship will be subjected to speculation by people at some point, and no I wouldnt want to hear about it. It is beneath me(beneath anyone in fact)

Of course thsi all depends on it being unsubstantiated, if the ongoing philandering is actually a fact... then thats a different debate.

AnyFucker · 04/10/2010 23:10

but I thought the philandering was a fact and admitted by the bloke in question ??

the only person who doesn't seem to know is his fiance, who is seriously considering marrying this person

SolidGoldBrass · 04/10/2010 23:16

It's possible that the woman is like Tadpoles' friend, clinging to denial and it would be damaging for some 'concerned' acquaintance to go barrelling in and force her to confront the issue.

kittya · 04/10/2010 23:32

I wouldnt say anything unless it was my sister. You dont get thanked in the long run, he will only turn it around and the OP will be the bad one.

yesyouknowme · 05/10/2010 00:21

do not tell her

mathanxiety · 05/10/2010 02:48

It is thankless, but that's not the motivation here.

frgr · 05/10/2010 09:15

if i witnessed it first hand (e.g. bumped into him holding hands or kissing another woman) i'd give a 3 day deadline, you tell the partner or i will

if i hadn't witnessed it, only rumours, i would keep out of it

if i heard bragging about it directly, see 1st paragraph

if i heard bragging about it second-hand, i'd stop the conversationa and say i don't want to be party to that information

this attitude has served me very very well over the years (served me best anyway, i'm not saying it's the best option morally, but has caused only heartbreak when really needed, and allowed me to keep out of extra hassle)

nbyet · 05/10/2010 09:33

Hold on, it's not just rumours, the guy admitted it to the OP's DP.

Not that I know what the answer is. I have been reading this thread agreeing with the people who say you should tell her, but then if I put myself in your shoes, would I do the same? I don't know, it would depend entirely on my relationship to the woman in question. Although did you say you have been out with her/on her hen do? If you know her well enough to discuss her views on infidelity....maybe it would be good to tell her. Especially as they are engaged but not yet married - if she finds out years down the line, and she then chooses to leave him, she will probably feel she has wasted some of her life on him and it will be harder to disentangle herself from the relationship.

But of course if you do this you should probably be aware of the repercussions it is likely to have on your relationship with your in-laws.

Sorry I have not been very helpful have I....

Tortington · 05/10/2010 09:37

this is how it will go

she wont believe you becuase whatever facts you present to her, he can explain.

she loves him so much that he could practically tell hr that aliens landed and thats why his dick is green and she would believe him

then it will turn bitter

it will be your fault

you will be branded as a jealous bitter bitch with fuck all better to do with your life

2 years later theywill split up becuase you did indeed open her eyes and she can now see things, however it will be at the expense of your reputation amongst shared friends/collegues and you will not be able to go to family functions together without the family being torn apart

if you married INTO said family.

your just screwed. they wont believe you over him anyway

AnyFucker · 05/10/2010 09:38

nb, yes

the "rumours" are true, as admitted by this lovely guy in question

are people forgetting that ?

MollysChambers · 05/10/2010 09:44

Agree with Custardo.

Also, I wouldn't want to be involved in the break up of a family - regardless of who was actually at fault. If they didn't have a child I may feel differently but it is a risk to get involved as it may back fire and you end up being the villain of the piece.

FWIW - My DH told his brother (with whom he had always had a close relationship) that his ex-fiancee was cheating on him (which was true). He refused to believe him and decided that I had made it up because I didn't like her! She did leave him a few months later. People believe what they want to.

dontdisstheteens · 05/10/2010 09:50

Af and WhenWill are right you need to say something to her. But, remember you do not have proof of infidelity. It is possible that the horrid man was playing 'jack the lad' in telling people the rumours were true.

So go see her, tell her about the rumours and what makes you think it might be true and, as WhenWill said, promise to not mention it again to anyone.

Good luck. It is a horrid position to be in. But her position is so much worse.

Original poster
Pixie83 · 05/10/2010 09:50

tadpoles obviously some of it is rumours, but a couple of times in the past, and one since their baby was born, was definitely true as he told DP about it.

DP and him had a huge row when DP had a go at him and said he was being a t**t. He swore it would never happen again and 'appeared' very remorseful, but since then he keeps his head down and never really talks to DP much about what he's up to - but we still hear stories from other friends.

I wouldn't even consider acting on what I'd heard if it was really all just rumours.

OP posts:
Footlong · 05/10/2010 09:52

AF - Not all the rumours have not been confirmed by him. Read the first post again. He admitted one indiscretion and swore never to do it again. The rumours are that he has done it again, and they are nothing but rumours.

Footlong · 05/10/2010 09:54

You seem to be changing your story Pixie, it is pretty clear in your first post that you only know of once... and now it is multiple CONFIRMED times?

I think you are trying to convince people to tell you to stick your beak in, because you dont like this guy.

Malificence · 05/10/2010 09:58

In this situation, I'd hate (and never forgive) the people around me who knew what was going on and didn't have the guts to tell me, not the one person with enough moral fibre to tell me the truth.

Original poster
Pixie83 · 05/10/2010 09:58

PS - jeez this is getting complicated btw - he's freely admitted to friends (including DP) that he "saw other people in the early days, before they were in a committed relationship". Without getting him to pin down dates and draw diagrams(!) I take that as him cheating on her on more than one occasion, before they got engaged & had the baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pixie83 · 05/10/2010 10:03

Footlong if you read my first post again, I have not changed the story at all. Yes I only mentioned the one occasion, but that was because that is what I am having a big problem with now, conscience-wise. To me it is much more serious to cheat on somebody once you are engaged and have a baby, although I know he's done it in the past, as I have gone on to explain. Maybe I didn't give you his life history in my first post Biscuit

And BTW no I don't like him much now - would you expect me to knowing what I know? Confused

OP posts:
Footlong · 05/10/2010 10:07

Right... so just to clarify.. the only time he has adnmitted to cheating is the once? The other times were before they were in a commited relationship... or requires speculation on your part? Dangerous ground.

If you want to dob him in for that one occasion he has admitted to.. thats your call. But dobbing in for anything is else is just acting on rumours and hunch.

Footlong · 05/10/2010 10:10

Whatever Pixie.. I am having trouble believing your version of the story... so I am heading out of this thread.

I think you want to stick your beak in and are just looking for validation.

Original poster
Pixie83 · 05/10/2010 10:14

Aaaaah! Sorry but I feel as if you're deliberately misunderstanding me! When I just said that he had cheated it before, that was to clarify whether or not it was a one off or not, because posters were speculating about that point.

I am not now, and was never, planning on 'dobbing him in' about what happened in the past. The point of this post is that I do not know whether I should stand back and let somebody blindly marry a man who has recently cheated on them, since they have had a baby.

Does that clarify it - seriously?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pixie83 · 05/10/2010 10:15

And PS I didn't post this to get a load of abuse. I have never cheated on anybody and the whole thing disgusts me, which is why I am struggling with the situation and wanted some advice Sad

OP posts:
Malificence · 05/10/2010 10:17

Ignore footlong Pixie - he just likes the sound of his own voice in his head. Wink

AnyFucker · 05/10/2010 10:24

pixie, footlong's contribution to this thread shouldn't upset you

just ignore it

his MO starts off by being fairly reasonable, and then if anyone disagrees with him (in a reasonable manner), he spits his dummy out

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