Have I done the right thing in leaving him??

[KittyCatIsGettingFat]

MNers, I'm scared and lonely and need your collective wisdom please...
Yesterday I left my Dh after a string of incidents that have left me feeling crushed... He has proven time and ag that he can't be trusted and yesterday the last of my love for him died! I have slept on it (at my dads house) and feel the same today, but want toknow if I'm not being too harsh on him - seeing as we both come from divorces, I'd want yo know I'm making the right decision... So here's the summary of what's happened.

first thing that should have triggered something was finding him on an online dating site, corresponding with a lady and arranging to meet, after we'd been married less than a week... I forgave him.

Two weeks after DDs birth, BF is Sooooo hard, we're really struggling to get the latch correct... And I find out that he's been giving her bottles at night... Poor little girl was so confused about how to suck! I was furious because he hasn't listened to what the midwives said re nipple confusion( said it was a load of rubbish)
I forgave him, because he said he was only trying to
help.

When I was diagnosed with severe PND, and was struggling to come to terms with having to take th medication, he took it upon himself to email my entire family and his telling them about it, and asking my dad for money for a cleaner as I couldn't cope! I was crushed that he'd do something so thoughtless when I'd asked him to keep it between us two until I was ready to tell everyone.

A few weeks ago I'd arrAnged to go see the Pope in Hyde Park. I was really excited and it meant a lot to take DD to meet him, because as a child I'd met John Paul II and it is one of my most special memories. Wed been in the park for an hour when DH decided, without telling me, that he wasn't enjoying himself . He picked up DD and walked out of the one-way entrance, leaving me inside with the buggy, bags, and a sense of anger for not having seen the Pope after coming all that way. I forgave him because he said he was uncomfortable with all the religion (he's a non-practising catholic) but we agreed to talk in future to avoid a repeat.

A few months ago we went on holiday and my dad lent us his credit card for emergencies. DH accidentaly used this card to make a large withdrawal of cash- and then forgot about it when we were home. Cue mydad having big arguments with his bank about a withdrawal thatnever happened, refusing to pay the charges etc because we thought it was a fraudulent transaction- until DH said 'oh yeah, it might have been me' but by that time 30 years worth of perfect credit record has been ruined, and dads credit limit has been reduced from 45k to 2k!! And DH refuses to apologise !

DH works very hard while I SAHM our 17 mo. Because of this. I do 97% of the childcAre and subsequently research and read a lot about different parenting methods, before implementing them. This weekend, however, DH Accused me of abusing DD because I disciplined Her for hitting- using the timeout method! He refused to read any of the material I have to support this; but can't give me any reasons except 'it's scarring her for life' . I get no support from him re discipline etc at all.

So we get to yesterday- I need torun to the shop because we're out of everything but it's pouring with rain so I say to him, 'you stay home and dry with DD and I'll be back quickly'. He wanted to go too, never mind that DD would have gotten soaked, but he didn't tell me how badly he wanted to go or why. So I went. And came back withthe shopping to find that he'd cut her hair. To spite me. Her first haircut. When I lost it he said he wanted to cut it because his dad always cut
his hair- fair enough but he knew I was taking her for a cut that week, and was going to make a special occasion out of it, but was so angry at me for going to the shop he took it out on DD. Her lovely rnglets have been hacked off and she looks like she's been attacked with a machete... When I tried to tell him how hed made m feel he callEd me crazy and said I should gO back on the medication... At that point I packed a bag and left with Dd.

So ami being too harsh or have I done the right thing? I know each incident is relatively minor but put together there's a pattern of insensitivity and nastiness that I can't ignore any more... I cAn take a lot of crap but when he starts to use our beautiful daughter as a weapon against me, I draw the line...
What do I do nExt?

Ps pls excuse typing- iPhone!!

Kitty

You did the right thing here; do not let him back into your lives. None of these incidents you cite are to my mind minor. BTW you were not put on this earth either to take a lot of crap from this man, infact any man actually.

Women cannot fix men's pain by allowing themselves to be abused.

Seek legal advice asap and find out where you stand financially too.

Longer term as well you may want to attend the Freedom programme run by Womens Aid; such men can really harm self worth and esteem and such a programme could help you as well.

Bit of a mixed bag.. some seem trivial others seem very mean!

Strangely enough I would find th haircut thing the most annoying as he did use your daughter in an argument... and I hate that crap.

I know you will get posts telling you he is abusive... he isnt. He is just a bit of an ass (going by your side of the story), and you shouldnt feel guilty for not wanting to be around him.

You should talk to your parents.

oh actually the online dating thing is by far the worst!

Don't go back. He is a self-centered, selfish, childish idiot. And the money he accidentally withdrew on your father's card is theft. He knew exactly what he was doing.

Kitty, I know you (I'm in disguise, but if I say fluffy bolero & stilettos, you know where I mean )?

I also know of Footlong. Take anything he says with a pinch of salt.

You are best off out of it, definitely. I've been a single mum myself for 3.5 weeks now - we're not a lucky bunch, are we? Lots of people will be here to tell you how right your decision is, & I think you know that anyway. How are you in yourself, love?

Which ones are trivial Footlong?

Much as I hate the over-used word abusive, I'm afraid he is abusive, emotionally. The haircut thing is terrible; it is as OP correctly says using the little girl as a weapon which is absolutely out of order. And he has the gall to criticise you for using the naughty step!! Words fail me. He needs help, not you.

It sounds like you and DD will be much happier without him. What ATM said.

If you feel you have done the right thing for you and your dd then you have done the right thing.

Hey Kitty.

Well done on taking a brave step.

The whole thing to me sounds like a total lack of respect for you, as a mother, as a partner and saddest of all as a person.

It's slippery slope stuff as well, once you start compromising and excusing stuff you actually find inexcusable you gradually find ways to normalise more and more and eventually get ground down to nothing.

In my opinion all of the things are as bad as each other. I wouldn't grade them in your head.

You might fid it helpful to think about what would need to change for things to work and get some kind of list in your head or on paper, because I'm guessing you'll be getting the full force of persuasion shortly.

Good luck, hope you've got sunshine today and can appreciate it.

Christ yes. Now I'd see a solicitor and sort out your options re things like where you're going to live etc. Good luck :)

Keep on walking Kitty, the man in unstable! i can't believe he just took your daughter and walked out of the park. Or that he cut her hair, or stole from your father, or was looking at meeting ow one week after marrying you.

Please get advice, but don't go back to this life, it's no life.

you've done the right thing
None of those examples are trivial, and I am guessing there are more?!
be strong and stick with it

You need to take the long term view on this. Your DH is unlikely to have a sudden change in personality. Are you happy to keep going like this for a year? Ten years?
I agree with Endangered Species, he is being emotionally abusive.

I know each incident is relatively minor
No, they're not. Each of those showed a horrifying lack of respect for both of you.

Leaving was the right thing for you and your DD and although it may be very hard at first, it'll get easier. Well done on having the courage to walk out.

I know I will get flamed but this is one of those posts where I find myself wondering what the other person's take on things would be.

Online dating - I agree, horrible
Giving a bottle - I understand why he would do this. Don't condone it, but maybe he was doing it because he panicked about whether or not your dd was getting enough to eat? And maybe he thought that, as the baby's father, he had an equal say in how she was fed.
PND - maybe he thought it was best to involve your family to make sure you got all the support you needed. Because he was worried about you?
The Pope - give me strength. If anyone tried to get me to go and see that 'person' I would never agree in the first place. Maybe your H felt the same but agreed to go to do something for you, but then after waiting for so long, his patience frayed and he just couldn't stand it any longer? Again, not condoning him walking off with your dd, but I can certainly sympathise with him not wanting to wait any longer to see the Pope (and perhaps not wanting his dd to see him either?).
Credit card - awful, but what was your dad thinking of handing his card over to anyone else?
Disciplining a 17 month old - surely this is something that, as parents, you should agree on. Not something that you should decide exclusively? Isn't he allowed to disagree with how you discipline such a young child? Personally, I find the word "discipline" when used in relation to such a young child quite alarming.

I don't disagree that there is some serious stuff in your post. But it does strike me that you clearly expect to be able to make all decisions in relation to your children and that you expect him to do exactly as you tell him. Maybe some of his behaviour is him kicking against this a bit? Childish, I know. Maybe if he'd wanted to go to the shop yesterday you could have let him instead of telling him that you would go and he should stay at home. Maybe the haircut was a way of him showing you that he's not going to be bossed around all the time and he decided to cut your dd's hair because your children are an area where he feels he is told what to do the most?

Maybe I'm way off the mark. If so, I apologise. But if you do decide to give it another go I would strongly recommend that you try and achieve a more equal relationship, particularly in relation to parenting.

Kitty

I agree that abuse is a word that is far too frequently used describing situations where both partners seems to be as bad as each other.

However, it seems clear that you have been suffering with this man for some time so that you are now questioning everything you do. To respond in a similar way to Catwalker:

Online dating - inexcusable
Giving a bottle - I understand why he would do this. What I don't understand is why he did not say he was doing this? Seeing you in such a state about feeding and then not saying that he had fed her one night as she was hungry (I actually did this myself as my milk took ages to come in)?
PND - again, if he was trying to help, why not discuss it and say that he felt it was wise to include your supportive circle?
The Pope - I am not Catholic but I dno have a very strong faith. If it was a joint decision to go (I'm assuming you didn't physically drag him there?) then it should have been a joint discussion / decicion to leave, even if you ended up leaving separately. Simply because he doesn't share your faith doesn't excuse him from respecting your faith.
Credit card - I agree that your dad was wrong to give you / him the card but that in no way excuses your H from taking the money
Discipline - I am a SAHM and my DH will say after an event 'you were a little harsh there' or 'I would've been harsher' but respects that I am the one who has to make an on the spot decision.

Overall, there seems to be too little discussion (communication is one of the issues we have as DH works away an awful lot which means he misses out on a lot of day to day life and that discussions over how we will discipline are often not had) but on top of that is his blatant disregard for you and your feelings.

In our situation, a concerted effort to communicate better worked, but my DH has never undermined me in the way yours seems to be doing.

IMHO you are better off out of it. It seems that his behaviour is degenerating over time and with such a downward spiral forming I fear that it would be a case where I would soon be agreeing with anyone's assertion it is abuse.

Make sure you are safe and stable, emotionally and financially. Give yourself time to recover and ensure that you make sure rebuilding your self-esteem is one of your priorities.

KittyKat

Eurgh what a horrible situation. Hugs buddy-of-mine xxxx

Forgetting everything that he has done. Some of it unacceptable, others not so. You said, the last of your love for him died . Whether you are being harsh or too accepting, you cannot exist in a loveless relationship.

As such, there are things to be done to ensure DD sees both her parents but you have made the right decision for yourself in walking away.

So sorry you have had such a rubbish time of things. Here if you need me xxxx

KittyKat, sorry to hear what you are going through, how long has he been like this??, if its for all of your relationship right from the outset then i think IMO that its a non win situation, some people are just assholes and that is it, my Husband is one of them always has been always will be just took me a long time to tire of it, can you see yourself with him if you have more children? if its a struggle with one it wont be any easier with two, take my word for it, the hair cut thing is just shit, he did it to piss you off pure and simple, and the credit card thing is theft, no doubt in my mind about that, and i guess theres is more but you only posted about the things that you can recall or that were particularly hurtful,

i wouldnt rush into anything but go and see a solicitor and have the free half hour session with them, i saw two b4 i choose one that i was happy to have represent me, and am just at the beginning of starting the divorce procedure,took me 6 moths to deceide, but after some more verbal abuse (long story)have deceided it needs to be done.

can you really see yourself putting up with this forever and the children being dragged into it? thinking of you you arent alone x

You're all so wonderful, I could cry!!

DH came around tonight to see DD and we hd a long talk. I showed him this thread and he was shocked at how I was feeling- apparently the 100 times I'd told him hadn't sunk in. He's gone home to have a think, after saying his opinion of me had changed because I was threatening to take DD away from him- something I'd never do and said so- so we'll see. I'm watching my beautiful angel sleeping on the baby monitor and thinking that, no matter what, I'm a lucky mummy...

Ps hi to birth buddies!! Sorry I've been so pants at posting, it's been. Hectic couple of months... (waves to nutty, BB and mystery woman!)

I'll keep you posted...

Thank God for the voices on here saying this is not abuse. There is a chance it is, but we do not know based on this post.

I also always try to think about the flip side or how the other half would see things.

It's just so irresponsible to say it is abuse without discussing it more with OP. And even then...

And what Cat says about trying to commmunicate better and strive for equality.

But the online dating...that is troubling I grant you Kitty.

Online dating?? Within a week of marriage??

If he was my H he would have been kicked out immediately. End of.

Be wary, Kitty. Perhaps it is all a big misunderstanding, perhaps it's not. You know better than everyone here (obviously), but please be careful. Make sure you communicate about things properly - & remember we're here if / when you need us x

I also know of Footlong. Take anything he says with a pinch of salt.

You dont know me. And all I know about you is that you are a feminist.

And in response to the question about which I think are trvial
And I think the baby feeding and pope thing are pretty unimportant.