What the hell is going on?

[marshallmellow]

Well, basically, I am 13 weeks pregnant and we have a very nearly 3 yr old. Everything was great up until about a year ago when my OH started getting weird. That is the only way I can describe it...emotional/physical abuse do not seem fitting. I don't think these things are normal, are they?

-For some reason he argues with absolutely everything I say.
-He does weights with his friends in our garage every single evening as soon as he gets in from work, only comes in for dinner, then goes to his mums, gets back around 10.30pm.
-He is a fussy eater so I write out meal plan, we go shopping, he stands in the aisle looking gormless and says he doesn't know what he wants but he's not eating anything off the planner. I say ok. We get home and he screams at me because he has no dinner and it's my fault.
-In the mornings he gets me up at 6am shouting at me that he can't find any fucking pants and he doesn't like these shitty socks, so I have to hunt for his favourite socks. Pants are directly in front of him.
-He tells me I am mad, he says I've said things when I haven't, he calls me a fucking cunt sometimes and then denies it, saying I just make things up...I don't.
-He drives 20 miles to and from work every day but says he can't drive us the 3 mile trip to tesco once a week as his exhaust is broken. Then when I point out that he drives 20 miles in it every day, he says that it's not the same and I can't compare the 2 and I don't know what I'm talking about and he's not discussing it with me anyway. End of.
-If we're arguing he goes "la la la I can't hear you, I'm not listening" whilst I'm sat bawling my eyes out and tearing my hair out.
-This morning he threatened to kidnap our son because I told him that it wasn't in fact my mum who said XYZ, it was me. Clearly I am making things up again After he'd done that, he kissed me on the head and said he was going to his mums.
-he's never hit me but has accidentally on purpose barged past me so hard that he knocked me over and accused me of getting in the way on purpose.

I want to make everything okay but I don't understand why he insists on acting as though he cannot stand to be near me. I wonder if I'm fighting a losing battle...maybe he just doesn't like me any more? Or am I being a twat and this is normal stuff and I'm just being too demanding. I don't know. Help me out, I have no idea what's happening any more.

is he on drugs do you think?
WHat does he do at his mum's?

Is he taking steroids? it sounds like roid rage to me.

You need to get out before it gets any worse.

I'm sorry you're having such a shit time.

He's being completely vile. I assume that, no, he doesn't like you anymore. I would not be able to live with someone who treated me even half as bad as that.

Call Women's Aid- 0808 2000 247 it wont show up on a bt landline bill.

You are being emotionally abused, very badly from the sounds of it .

Sorry I'll be on later, and I know others will be along soon, but please phone and talk to WA about this.

Bloody hell marshmallow this is either a wind up or you are in serious denial.

If you are for real I would google the womens aid site and research the wheel of abuse and then give them a ring.

This behaviour is totally out of order.

I thought steroids too.

Either way you are being treated with hatred and contempt and that's no atmosphere in which to raise cchildren. Do you want them to think dad treating mum like shit on his shoe is a normal way to live? Is that what you want them to aspire to?

Get out or get rid. Even if only temporarily until he's off whatever he's on, and had extensive counselling.

He sounds horrible and scary and it upsets me to think of any woman, let alone a child, living with someone like that.

I agree about the steroids - if he was a normal, happy guy and has changed over the last year, does this tie in with his weight training?

If it's not steroids, then I'd be thinking of getting out - he doesn't sound like the sort of man I'd want to be near or want my children to be near.

Thanks for the replies. mamas12 it's not a wind up. Actually when I read my post back, I thought "jeez, how pathetic are you woman, it's not even THAT bad" He can't be on drugs, he has no money. Well he smokes weed sometimes...when he's at his mums. But I'm pretty sure there's nothing else involved I would have noticed it, he's a shit liar. I don't want to call womens aid, I don't want to be a burden, he's never actually hurt me. I'm just stuck. I don't know what to do. I had asked him to move out on Weds but he said he'd make it better, it's lasted until this morning. So what do I do now? I feel ridiculously weak and bloody useless and I hate that, it's all quite pathetic and not like me at all.

Clearly he doesn't like youmarshmellow. That much is blindingly obvious

This is not your fault tohugh. The guy sounds horrible and obviously has issues.

You have two choices: Choose to live with an absolute arsehole who doesn't give a shit about you, or leave him and be happy.

Being weak and 'stuck' in this relationship is all in your head. You can end it. You can get him to leave, or leave yourself. But you have to want to.

What is the point of not leaving this man? I see no good reason to stay.

what you describe is absolutely emotional abuse.

If this is all very new then i would suggest it is either steroids or he has realised he doesn't want to be with you any longer but doesn't have the danglies to actually come out and say it.

either way, for the sake of your own sanity and that of your children you need to leave.

If he decides he wants to make amends then he needs to recieve help for his abusive behaviour prior to you returning to live together.

Could be the weed making him paranoid etc.
And a mate could be supplying him with steroids.

You wouldn't be a burden to Women's Aid. Would be good to talk to someone there, although you have to keep trying as the phones are pretty busy.

This is classic abuse, sorry. You can read about it here. There are patterns that it follows and you'll find all your DH's behaviours there.

There's a thread on abusive partners where there are lots of experienced MNers who can help you.

I hope you get out of this situation soon.
x

overmydeadbody, simply the fact that I have his children, I don't want a broken family. The good times are really good and I don't want to give up. I don't even want anybody else, I just want him but I don't understand why he doesn't like me. I do everything for him, I have given him an easy enough life, we were so happy and I haven't changed so why is he not happy any more? I asked him this on Weds and he said he is happy and of course he likes me and that he'd never be without me. I said that these days, I feel as though, if I were in a burning building he'd just leave me there and he said he'd always come for me and he squeezed me really tight and it was all very reassuring. Then I asked why he treats me literally like shit on the bottom of his shoe and he says he doesn't. But he does.

He's not very intelligent, maybe he actually doesn't realise he's treating me like shit? It's like he's totally blind to it all, he really thinks this stuff doesn't happen. I don't want my children growing up thinking this is okay, soon my son will understand everything his father says to me, I don't want him to hate his dad because his dad doesn't like me and clearly resents having to be with me. I just want it all to be normal but I can't work through things on my own. I honestly feel like an attention seeking pathetic child, but I just need a heads up, I'm confused about everything now and the stress is no good for the baby so I just wanted to vent somewhere.

Thanks quiddity, will take a look now.

Marshmallow I'm sorry but your family is broken already.
You are not functioning because of his abuse and the dcs are witnessing it all.

By contacting womens aid at least for a chat (you do not have to act on anything yet)you are on the path to fixing your broken home.

marshall

Do look at the other suggested thread.
You write you don't want a broken family - your family is already broken.

You are not a burden and you must not think of yourself as such; please call Womens Aid as they are very helpful in these types of emotional abuse situations. You want to fix this; he does not and he won't change. Such situations as well often escalate and quickly too.

It is only when you are fully and completely away from him that you will realise the extent of the abuse.

Women cannot fix men's pain by allowing themselves to be abused.

Your 3 year old is likely aware that something is amiss between his mum and dad; an abusive household like the one you're in is no household for him to be growing up in. The childrens' welfare as well as your own are paramount here; he does not figure because you are not responsible for him ultimately.

Why the hell did you get pregnant again to this loser?

Seriously, you cannot have been happy with this 'man' for years!

perfumedlife I don't know, things were going better, I thought we were on the road to recovery. I read the link, every single bit of it applies, he does it all. I just don't understand why he has randomly turned into a monster, it's not every day either. Some days it's normal and lovely and some days like today it's all over the place. I'm a pain to live with atm anyway as I'm very worried about the baby... Thurs we had our first scan, the baby wouldn't move and I got very upset and asked the sonographer to switch machine off, she sent me off for half an hour but the baby still wouldn't move when she re-scanned me. Today I have an awful cramp in my right side, I can't stop crying at how I've failed my son and how I'm clearly failing this baby but I didn't know it would be like this.

His sister asked me what's up with him as he's really changed recently, so it's not just me. Would it be acceptable for me to ask him to leave and just take things from there, see if he has an epiphany? Or does it HAVE to be the end forever? I just don't want to give up on the love of my life. Obviously DS comes first and this is not healthy so it has to stop now but what about our future, do I have to rule it out completely. I've never done this before. :(

I also thought steroids. You are a victim of abuse pure and simple. Things will not get better he is an arse hole, you really need to get out.

If you allow him to stay you could be inadvertently threatening your unborn child's health, think of it that way. I would bet he is on steroids as some days he is not as bad and even other people are noticing his behaviour. Why not Google steroid side affects

Abusers are not abusive 24/7, they are nice then nasty. It's called the cycle of abuse, see here.

The thing is, instead of getting better, what he is doing is now, finally, showing you who he is, who he really is. And always was, the rest, the build up, was an act. There is no way this is a decent, nice guy who has undergone a personality transplant.

If you rule out steroids, it's abuse. In fact, even if it is steroids, it's still abuse. You don't want your children to grow up in this atmosphere, with this as an example of how to live a good life.

please get help, for yourself, and the children. You need to look after yourself especially at this vulnerable time of pregnancy. The fact is, he doesn't seem to care for you, or show you any love.

You don't deserve this, no woman does.

You are under enormous pressure, and I'm afraid to say that excessive stress like the stress you experience from an abuser will negatively affect your unborn baby, see here.

The love of your life would not treat you like dirt, I'm sorry to say. Your OH is treating you terribly.

You are not failing your son or your unborn baby. Please don't think that. Your OH is failing them by treating their mother so terribly. You are not responsible for his behaviour, he is.

I would suggest that if your partner wont move out then you should move in with family or friends for a few weeks and get some perspective and rest which you clearly need. Pregnancy with a toddler in the house is hard enough without the strain your OH is putting on you through.

Poor you :-(

Your DP's behaviour is nowhere near acceptable. I am so sorry that you are having to hear that from everyone as I know that can be a complete shock. Think ahead 2 years, or 40 years - you don't want to have this guy as a parent figure for your children and you don't want to be dealing with him when you are old and infirm. It sounds as if he would never look after you if/ when you needed him.

Can you talk to him rationally or will he do his "la, la, la not listening" routine? Perhaps you can ask what he thinks his friends/ mother would think if they could see how he behaves with you.

Sigh, in the end though you have to get rid of him if he can't see the problem and address it. If I were you (and I know nothing) I would tell him that you need some space and ask him to go and stay with his mother for a few weeks (leaving you the car preferably) whilst you figure out where to go from here. Will he insist on seeing your DC at weekends, do you think? Will he be safe with the DC? If he takes the car, can you cope without? Do you have any access to money? Do you know, I expect Women's Aid help with those kind of practical points (no real idea though).

If you feel unsafe, ensure that someone else is in the house when you tell him to leave, and preferably do it when your DC is out.