What the hell is going on?

[marshallmellow]

Well, basically, I am 13 weeks pregnant and we have a very nearly 3 yr old. Everything was great up until about a year ago when my OH started getting weird. That is the only way I can describe it...emotional/physical abuse do not seem fitting. I don't think these things are normal, are they?

-For some reason he argues with absolutely everything I say.
-He does weights with his friends in our garage every single evening as soon as he gets in from work, only comes in for dinner, then goes to his mums, gets back around 10.30pm.
-He is a fussy eater so I write out meal plan, we go shopping, he stands in the aisle looking gormless and says he doesn't know what he wants but he's not eating anything off the planner. I say ok. We get home and he screams at me because he has no dinner and it's my fault.
-In the mornings he gets me up at 6am shouting at me that he can't find any fucking pants and he doesn't like these shitty socks, so I have to hunt for his favourite socks. Pants are directly in front of him.
-He tells me I am mad, he says I've said things when I haven't, he calls me a fucking cunt sometimes and then denies it, saying I just make things up...I don't.
-He drives 20 miles to and from work every day but says he can't drive us the 3 mile trip to tesco once a week as his exhaust is broken. Then when I point out that he drives 20 miles in it every day, he says that it's not the same and I can't compare the 2 and I don't know what I'm talking about and he's not discussing it with me anyway. End of.
-If we're arguing he goes "la la la I can't hear you, I'm not listening" whilst I'm sat bawling my eyes out and tearing my hair out.
-This morning he threatened to kidnap our son because I told him that it wasn't in fact my mum who said XYZ, it was me. Clearly I am making things up again After he'd done that, he kissed me on the head and said he was going to his mums.
-he's never hit me but has accidentally on purpose barged past me so hard that he knocked me over and accused me of getting in the way on purpose.

I want to make everything okay but I don't understand why he insists on acting as though he cannot stand to be near me. I wonder if I'm fighting a losing battle...maybe he just doesn't like me any more? Or am I being a twat and this is normal stuff and I'm just being too demanding. I don't know. Help me out, I have no idea what's happening any more.

Please get the Lundy Bancroft book, "why does he do that?" You will be amazed at how closely his behaviour is described in there.

It couldn't really be any more classic, I think that's why earlier on posters were wondering if this was real - it's utterly textbook.

You don't need to live like this, and unfortunately it's unlikely to get any better unless there is some concrete underlying medical problem which can be sorted. Unless all of this behaviour is brand new, I think you're dealing with an abusive man. I'm so sorry, please keep posting as loads of us have been in similar situations and will want to help.

Thank you for the replies. He has text me to say he has crashed his car in anger and will be coming to get his work clothes. In fact I think I can hear his car now, will be back later.

Overdosed steroids do cause rage - but not gaslighting & calculated control tactics, which you are describing. Even if drugs are making him worse over the past year, he was already an abuser - I wonder if this is what you were alluding to when you said things seemed to be getting better?

Steroids promote body bulk, thinning of the skin and temper tantrums. They can also cause increased sexual urges, coupled with erectile dysfunction.

The steroids (which I also think he's on) aren't the root of your problem, though. You say he doesn't seem to be calculating or all that bright. You don't need the brains of a military genius to be abusive - just a parent or grandparent who taught you how to behave this way. I'm sorry, but there's really very little to be done. Getting off drugs would improve his tantrums, etc, but it wouldn't turn him into a reasonable human being :(

You must be going through hell right now. Please keep up your thread; people will help you.

Actually it might not be steroids, it could be something like crystal meth. I don't want to get all pharamceutical, though, because the underlying problem is still there - and will be, until you get your head round it and call in some proper help. Hope you're okay tonight.

Steroids was my first thought, too.

A physical symptom of steroid use is a thick neck like the professional wrestlers have (I am not making a comment about pro wrestlers, ok?).

You might want to go for genetic testing for your unborn child-steroids can mess things up very badly for a fetus. Do it anyway. Seriously, at least dicuss it with your ob.

Since he spends so much time at his Mom's, I suggest moving him there full time and then he can visit you (if he can behave himself).

Please do not 'tolerate' this. It will make you numb, and then depressed, (if not worse)...you should be glowing with life and enjoying every minute of your lo and one on the way.

Take care. Folks are here to help you every step of the way.

Thanks so much guys.

Well he came here last night and played with DS for quite a while, then I put him to bed and tidied around. I told him where his work trousers were (crumpled on the floor where he left them) I said they hadn't been washed as I was too busy, he just nodded, I think he may have been crying Anyway I asked him to turn out the light when he leaves as I was knackered so went to bed. Well DS has a cold and woke in the night so I went into him, came back to my room and nearly jumped out of my skin...the bastard hadn't even left, he was just in bed next to me the whole time...must have waited till I was dead to the world. He woke me up at 5.30am with the shower, then came in the bedroom to say bye and I just pulled the covers over my head and off he went. BTW he managed to find his pants and socks okay today.

I just want him to leave me alone for a bit. I don't like saying this because I don't like the thought that he has been systematically controlling me for a yr, but last night, I thought I'd crumble as I hate being alone at night, but before he came back I felt so light. I wasn't worrying about being picked on because dinner was late or because it was just ham egg and chips (which was just what I needed) I can't explain...just felt like I didn't have something niggling the back of my mind all the time, like a mental checklist: have I washed all of his clothes? Are they ironed and put away? Have I washed up his favourite knife and fork? Is his work bag on the chair? Have I run his bath etc etc.

Anyway I liked it, so if he returns tonight I'm simply going to ask him to go back to mummy until he is able to treat me with respect. TBF, he is fab with DS but that's not the point is it. I was thinking about what reductioADabsurdum said about being like this in 40 yrs time. Yes I want to be with him, but not like this, this is utterly ridiculous isn't it. My life shouldn't revolve around him, I've lost myself a bit and I just need the time to relax, sort things out my end and he can either sort himself out or piss off. I'm going to look into the steroids. I can't accept that he was this person all along, how could he have hidden it, he's such a simple person but he was so lovely.

ItsGraceAgain, his father is an arsehole. I once caught him rifling through my handbag at the MIL's house and when I confronted him he told me he hated me and wanted me out of his house (he doesn't even live there, he just won't leave MIL alone) DP once got in a fight with him as he kept turning off the heating in Nov when DS was newborn and it was freezing, then he'd follow me into every room and light up a cigarette so I always had to leave the house. Apparently he used to get a spanner and turn the taps off so tight that the kids couldn't use them for a wash in the morning. I suppose it's no wonder DP has turned out like this is it. His father has been back on the scene for just over a year now...he was totally banned from the house but once DS was born, we visited a lot and he used to park his van around the corner and follow us to find out where we lived, he also stalks his daughter, eg when it was my nephews party he obvs wasn't invited but just stood staring through the kitchen window. He tells DP he'll kill himself if he doesn't speak to him, he is an utter shit.

Dont be sympathetic with your DP because his Dad is so horrible. Lots of people have terrible childhoods and dont treat their wives or partners like this. You say he is good with your DS but his behaviour towards you is not good for DS. And what if your new baby is a DD? Do you want her to grow up believing this is how women should be treated?

Please ring Womens Aid, you are not wasting their time. Talk through what is happening. It is THAT bad and it will get worse. Also, see if you can find some stuff online about how abuse changes and/or intensifies following the arrival of children and during pregnancy.

I have to get DC ready for school but will try to get back on in a bit. Please ring them, or read the stuff on their website.

This man needs to go back to mummy, and stay there forever

he doesn't want a wife, nor a partnership

He wants a cowed slave

You are not a slave

Favourite knife and fork ? I would think any grown man who has a "favourite knife and fork" and expects them to be clean for his use needs a fucking kick in the cock and banished back to mummy's tender loving care

Oh, good god :( You must have seen this, marshmellow: his father is an arsehole. I once caught him rifling through my handbag at the MIL's house and when I confronted him he told me he hated me ... he doesn't even live there, he just won't leave MIL alone. Now you're finding H in your bed when you thought he'd gone out! I almost hate to say send him back to Mum, when the poor woman can't even get rid of Version 1, but you can't live like this!! You'll end up with an exact replica of her life.

It's great that you enjoyed a peaceful evening last night :) What does it say when you feel BETTER after your husband's crashed his car? (In rage, I might add.) Keep going, and don't look back ...

Ah. Our old friend the cycle of violence. Well there you are then. He's abusive because he learnt at the feet of a master. By kicking him out you're protecting your DS from learning abuse from his father, you are stopping the cycle, well done!

And, yes, it's terribly sad that he was abused as a child, but lots of people are abused as kids and don't continue the cycle. Me, for example. Abusing is a choice he has made and I repeat Attilla's wise words- "Women cannot fix men's pain by allowing themselves to be abused."

I'm glad you were finally able to feel unharrassed in your own home, that's the way it is for those not in abusive relationships and it's no privilege, it's your right.

Keep posting, we're here for you if you need us

my abusive relationship was nowhere near as bad as yours, but I still remember the feeling when it ended: "I can do whatever I want! I don't have to walk on eggshells, worrying about what will make him angry, upset and sulking this time! I can talk to people and have opinions without someone rolling his eyes and dismissing everything I say as stupid!"

isn't it a relief? (and at the same time, I was heartbroken, as, like you say, the good times were really good. they are clever, those men).

And please don't treat this as a break until he gets better and can treat you with respect. He can't. He is evil - I don't really care why he is evil, bastard father or not, but you and your children should not suffer because of that. I'm sure many people will disagree and tell you about the wonders of therapy, but personally I cannot believe that such people can change 180 degrees and become loving supportive partners.

He is an abusive man, you have an abusive relationship. You need to get out.

Sorry I haven't posted, just been exhausted.

Well, he left and that's kind of it really, there's not much more to say. I'm emotionally exhausted and in pieces tbh but it'll get better I guess.

I just want to say thank you to every single person that replied, it was very very helpful and I really appreciate all of the advice. Oh I did ask outright about the steroids and he said "no, it's nothing like that" well, he is also heartbroken...think he may have realised just what he has done, whatever game he was playing didn't achieve the desired result, but the total opposite as now he doesn't have me at all.

Anyway, thanks again everyone. Will be leaving this thread alone now as I don't want to keep thinking about things, just want to relax and let it all happen around me, I'm far too stressed out atm.

Good luck - hope it all works out for you and it sounds as if you are by far better off without him

Just adding my good luck & best wishes, too. It took strength of purpose - well done :) x

Good luck and if you need some more support don't afraid to post here.

all the best, OP x

You will get stronger with time and life will be much better; all best wishes x

Sounds like Steroids. Classic symptons. A friend of mine (male) was like this, came off them and now has heart problems.

Take care. Be strong.

Good luck Marshmellow, will be keeping everything crossed for you.