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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Received very odd email - what to do?

52 replies

AWishAway · 02/10/2010 21:44

My husband moved out, by mutual agreement, about 6 months ago, on the understanding that this may give us time/space to then get things back on track. I have since found out (from him) that before he moved out, he was in touch with another woman but nothing developed, though he thought it might do. After moving out, he did start seeing someone - he told me, and when he saw how distressed and shocked I was, stopped seeing her and told me he would use the rest of the time apart "for its intended purpose", which was in part for him to address his depression/alcohol issues. More recently he told me he was seeing yet somebody else (after I questioned his whereabouts when hoping he could help me with our children). I have now taken off my wedding ring as I feel I have to draw the line - enough is enough.

A couple of weeks ago I received an email from a stranger saying she may be able to help me. The email adressed me by name, but contained nothing specific that related to me. The sender said she knew what I had been through, thought I'd been treated unfairly, could answer any questions I may have, and was on my side. I assumed it was a hoax/spam email, as it could have related to any situation at all, and ignored it. 2 weeks later it was re-sent, but with my husband's name added to the subject line. I have Googled lines from it to see if it is some sort of hoax that is doing the rounds, but no matches came up.

It is really playing on my mind. I don't know whether to ignore it, reply asking who she is, or ask my husband who she is and see what he says. I could open a can of worms but feel I have nothing to lose now. Could things get any worse?

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 02/10/2010 21:47

so do you think it's from one of the women he has been seeing?

tbh i think i'd just ignore it. if she isn't going to come straight out and tell you who she is and why she is e-mailing then don't waste any time

do you feel like you want to know more? do you need to?

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 02/10/2010 21:49

Have no wisdom this but did not want you to go unanswered.
Someone qualifies will be along soon, just sending you hugs in the meantime.

whomovedmychocolate · 02/10/2010 21:49

Personally I'd forward it on to your DH - he will either know who it is, or it's a hoax. Either way, you don't need to be involved and dredge up what is past.

pluperfect · 02/10/2010 21:50

I'm not sure about this, as you seem not to be! There is no telling what her agenda is. Even if she is an/the OW, it's not up to you to make her feel better.

I would leave it. It's not really cowardly to do so, but on the contrary, quite brave.

DinahRod · 02/10/2010 21:54

Presumably from one of the women who he's hacked off who thinks you are in ignorance/ a hostile divorce.

Wonder how she found your email?

Gretl · 02/10/2010 21:56

I think I would have to reply to it (personally) but I can absolutely see that you don't want to open yourself up to more pain.
It's possible someone knows about the women and thinks you don't.

AWishAway · 02/10/2010 21:57

Thanks for your replies. I think I probably have nothing to gain from replying to the email. If I had suspected something dodgy had been going on and was desperate for proof than I guess I'd follow it up but that isn't the case.

Hadn't thought about forwarding it to DH. Will ponder that!

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picmaestress · 02/10/2010 21:59

It would be fine if it didn't say 'could answer any questions you have'.
Whaaaat?
Definitely one of his lady friends, and frankly, a right meddling, nosy stirrer.
My thoughts would be 'you know nothing about me, please leave me alone', and my action would be to totally ignore it.

I think some women consider there to be some sort of 'sisterhood' thing going on when they've been messed around by the same bloke. But it doesn't work like that when he's your DH.
I'm quite cross about this on your behalf. She is playing games with you, and is being a nosy, shit stirring git, hiding under the guise of being 'helpful'.

(actually, forwarding to your DH and saying 'please tell your girlfriend to leave me alone' might be pretty effective. He should understand how unpleasant what you're going through is, frankly)

Feel for you in your situation, and I hope you are ok.

Hassled · 02/10/2010 22:00

In your shoes my curiosity would get the better of me. And yes, you have nothing to lose by replying. Just tread carefully - she could actually be fishing for information from you and wanting to know what you know.

AWishAway · 02/10/2010 22:06

Yes, Hassled, I think I do mainly feel curiosity, but am worried that if I do reply that I may end up regretting it.

Picmaestress, the email is phrased in quite an odd way in several sentences, e.g."I am a normal caring human being who has knowledge of you" which is a bit weird, (but maybe she doesn't speak English very well!?) and she is giving nothing away about herself or how she has my email address which I find a bit strange, so I think she may be game-playing.

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WhenwillIfeelnormal · 02/10/2010 22:07

I'm not sure what you're saying. If you are resigned to the marriage being over and have accepted that your H has been seeing other women despite the promises to "clear his head" then fair enough, don't contact her. What worries me though is that your first thought was that this was a spam/hoax E mail, rather than from someone with information about your H's infidelity.

If there is any chance you think you might be tempted to get back with him - and don't want to put your head in the sand - then I'd contact this person with bells on.

banana87 · 02/10/2010 22:09

Forward to your DH and ignore.

toddlerama · 02/10/2010 22:12

Sounds like mad attention seeking from the email sender. Wait. I reckon there will be more. Don't respond and encourage it though.

AWishAway · 02/10/2010 22:24

The reason I didn't originally think the message was genuine was because the subject was "I may be able to help you" and the body of it as follows:

"Please don't be alarmed but I may be able to help you and know what you are going through. I think you have been treated extremely unfairly.
I am not some mad person but a normal caring human being who has knowledge of you and what you have gone through over the past year or so and I may be able to help you out with any questions you may have. I am on your side."

It just made me think of those ones that ask you to transfer money into their foreign bank account, the way it's written. It wasn't because I was think it couldn't possibly be true, I didn't really give it much thought the first time, it seemed as though it have been sent to lots of random email addresses just to see what happened as it is so non-specific in its wording.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 02/10/2010 22:28

very bizarre, def playing weird games

don't enter into it. you have nothing to gain

delete and block

whomovedmychocolate · 02/10/2010 22:28

That's a man. A woman would not write like that. Probably the jilted partner of someone your husband has been messing around with. STAY WELL AWAY.

proudnglad · 02/10/2010 22:29

It does sound quite generic

AWishAway · 02/10/2010 22:30

It wasn't because I was thinkING it couldn't possibly be true

...it COULD have been sent to lots of random email addresses

Sorry.

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Mummiehunnie · 02/10/2010 22:33

I would respond with "who are you, how do you have my contact details and what do you want to tell me" that is all that you need to know, if they won't tell you then have no more to do with them and send all their emails to the police!

I would not mention anything to ex for now and sit and see what happens!

You may just get some documents that help you in a divorce or something about an std, you just never know!

AWishAway · 02/10/2010 22:38

The email address was a woman's name but I guess that could just be a smokescreen. I hadn't even considered it could be from a man!

I am leaning towards the ignore option, though I would be interested to see what my husband made of it.

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PotPourri · 02/10/2010 22:41

Yes, delete and block.

So sorry for your situation - best of luck with that.

But opening this can of worms up will not help you at all.

AWishAway · 02/10/2010 22:46

I had thought of replying with a "who are you?" but then if the sender came back with their identity or all sorts of information I would still have to decide if it was true or not. At the moment, just knowing there have been relationships (to whatever extent) is enough for me, and I have no desire to find out more.

Hadn't thought about STDs!! Though sex has been a very infrequent occurence for us in recent years.

OP posts:
loopyloops · 02/10/2010 22:48

Do you think it could be a friend or relative of the OW?

Someone I know had the OW's mum phone her to tell her.

Or could it be someone related to his depression or alcohol? A drinking friend maybe?

Personally I wouldn't be able to just leave it, but if you can then that might be the best thing to do.

Not much help, sorry.

Mummiehunnie · 02/10/2010 22:51

You have your answer then, you are not ready to deal with anything other than knowing there were relationships, do what makes you feel safe for now until you are ready x

AWishAway · 02/10/2010 22:56

Thanks for all your input, it's helped me clarify my thoughts. At the moment I think I will just ignore the email.

OP posts: